topic Re: What should she do? in Community Chat

What should she do?

Goodie2shoes — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 04:17:05 GMT

A friend of mine is having a hard time this holiday season and I am lost for words to tell her. She was in a relationship for 4 years up until the first week of November when her guy just ended the relationship simply because she mentioned they think. about getting a place together or considering marriage in the fall of next year. They were such a cute couple and always seemed very happy. I feel so bad for her, she was blindsided, had no clue this was coming. I know time will heal her broken heart. Another sad 2020 story. I do hope 2021 is a better year

Re: What should she do?

KBEANS — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 04:23:48 GMT

I don't think she should do anything. She found out that they both had very different ideas of where the relationship was going. She obviously needed more, he was content as it was. Too bad it took 4 years for her to realize this wasn't what she wanted. I am curious of the ages of this particular couple.

Re: What should she do?

Love my grandkids — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 04:28:14 GMT

@Goodie2shoes There is nothing you can say that will comfort her, except that you are sorry she is so sad. She needs time to mourn the end of a long relationship.

I'm surprised it took 4 years for her to realize he didn't want to cohabit or marry. There are usually telling signals along the way.

I'm also curious about the age of the couple.

Re: What should she do?

Snowpuppy — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 04:29:09 GMT

Never one to clutch my pearls, my advice?

Fastest way to get over one man is to, uh, er....get with another 😁

My Gram used to say, "oh honey, men are like streetcars. You miss one, the next one be along in about 20 minutes".

Dry the tears and tell him thanks for being up front. While I have no problems with FWB, if your friend wants a future and he's not up for it, don't waste your time.

Re: What should she do?

embgm — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 04:29:55 GMT

A few years ago ,my girlfriend was involved in a relationship and a similar incident occurred. They had been dating for three years, he was considered a member of their family. Her grown children liked him. She decided to ask where he thought their relationship was headed. He immediately broke up with her. She was devastated, as that's not what she expected him to say. How do you stay in someone's life , knowing they care more than you do and it won't be forever?

Re: What should she do?

NicksmomESQ — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 04:33:16 GMT

Your friend needs time to heal.That being said, they were only together 4 years. It's good that she learned that they didn't have common values now rather than later. Although, I wonder why it took 4 years.

Eventually, she will be ready to dip her toe back in the water. Meanwhile, don't push her. She needs time & space & a friend who understands.

Re: What should she do?

GenXmuse — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 04:37:40 GMT

How awful. The silver lining is she isn't wasting more of her life with a guy who isn't interested in progressing the relationship to permanency if that's what she wants. It much harder with the virus going on because people aren't out and about as much and being at home where it would be easier to dwell on. She can do better and she's worth it and deserves love.

Re: What should she do?

sunshine45 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 04:39:08 GMT

what should she do?

she should move on and hopefully realize that no woman HAS to have a man, especially a man who is not on the same path as she is. she should learn to be happy and single for a while.....then take it from there.

Re: What should she do?

Goodie2shoes — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 04:41:53 GMT

@Love my grandkidswrote:

I'm surprised it took 4 years for her to realize he didn't want to cohabit or marry. There are usually telling signals along the way.

I'm also curious about the age of the couple.

They are in their mid sixties

Re: What should she do?

Goodie2shoes — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 04:50:43 GMT

I think she thought at their age of 65 he would be ready to settle down and not play games. They traveled, her family loved him and they seemed meant for each other.

Re: What should she do?

NYC Susan — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 04:51:43 GMT

@Goodie2shoes wrote:
A friend of mine is having a hard time this holiday season and I am lost for words to tell her. She was in a relationship for 4 years up until the first week of November when her guy just ended the relationship simply because she mentioned they think. about getting a place together or considering marriage in the fall of next year. They were such a cute couple and always seemed very happy. I feel so bad for her, she was blindsided, had no clue this was coming. I know time will heal her broken heart. Another sad 2020 story. I do hope 2021 is a better year

I don't think "simply" applies here. It's a big deal that she wanted to live together or get married, and he didn't That's not a trivial reason for a relationship to end. If they want different things, they're not well-suited.

Also - No one other than the two of them knows the details of their relationship, what was said or not said along the way, etc. Maybe he had made himself clear before, and she pushed for it. Or maybe they hadn't ever discussed it, and he just wasn't interested in moving forward in that way.

Yes, time will heal her broken heart. It's certainly understandable that this is hard for her. But she shouldn't want to be with someone who no longer wants to be with her. There's really not much you can say or do other than be a supportive friend. Listen to her when she wants to talk, distract her when that's what she needs, and help her move forward when she's ready. It's kind of you to care so much. She's lucky to have you.

Re: What should she do?

Drythe — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 05:11:47 GMT

It’s easy to say / think walk away, and don’t waste another moment on the creep.

Hard to do when your heart is involved.

Sending your friend healing thoughts, and courage to do what’s

best for her wellbeing.

Re: What should she do?

rms1954 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 05:13:10 GMT

@Goodie2shoes wrote:
A friend of mine is having a hard time this holiday season and I am lost for words to tell her. She was in a relationship for 4 years up until the first week of November when her guy just ended the relationship simply because she mentioned they think. about getting a place together or considering marriage in the fall of next year. They were such a cute couple and always seemed very happy. I feel so bad for her, she was blindsided, had no clue this was coming. I know time will heal her broken heart. Another sad 2020 story. I do hope 2021 is a better year

She should have figured out at some point during those four years the topic was not spoken of or mentioned (esp by him) that it would go no further. Don't see how it was such a surprise to her. As to what she SHOULD do, it's over and done. Deal with it and move on. She made it too comfortable for him.

Re: What should she do?

occasionalrain — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 05:17:08 GMT

She seems to have had the best of both worlds, as did he. By their age they each have established personal habits and preferences. Combining two homes, what to keep,what to discard becomes an issue. Even paint colors and closet space can create disharmony.

If in four years he hadn't alluded to living together, much less marriage, she shouldn't have been blindsided, she should have known.

I suppose you could tell her she's now free to find someone who will want the same lifestyle she wants rather than wasting her time on a relationship that's going nowhere.

Re: What should she do?

Lindsays Grandma — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 05:33:41 GMT

@Goodie2shoes ...There isn't much you can say or do that will heal her broken heart. You are a good friend and that is what you need to continue to be for her. Comfort her but don't give her the typical words most people do..."You'll meet someone else, etc." He wasn't very nice to end it so abruptly which makes me believe he isan't the nice guy you all thought he was. There is one problem and that is the age. It isn't easy finding someone in your sixties, but hey, one never knows what is around the corner, I'm just sorry she wasted four years on this one.

Believe me I know how she feels, I lost the love of my life and it took me two years to get over him, but I survived and moved on and so will she.

Re: What should she do?

2Kittys — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 07:58:04 GMT

Is it possible that he met someone new, and wanted out of the 4 years?He jumped pretty fast as soon as she said something. That's too bad.

Re: What should she do?

Pook — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 08:56:41 GMT

Women, for the most part want that exclusive relationship but what is the big deal about having to live with or marry when things are going fine? Some women need that "ownership". Nothing wrong with leaving things the way they were. All the negatives from marrying and moving in together will surface and problems start because both are used to living alone and often want to change the other's life habits. I wouldn't put it all on him for the breakup! I have seen many great relationships ruined by marriage and living together.

Re: What should she do?

ValuSkr — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 10:40:02 GMT

It's too bad she lost so much time with this fellow, though I'm sure she has happy memories. You've advised her to move on, so what else can you do? Find her a new beau?

Re: What should she do?

Cats3000 — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 11:04:31 GMT

She should have voted with her feet 2 years ago. She wasted 4 years of her life on a one-way relationship. Bad choice. Time to move on. Take many deep breaths. Learn from this and try not to make the same mistake again. That's what I would tell her. She needs a little tough love and getting straightened out.

Re: What should she do?

Nataliesgramma — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 11:48:36 GMT

Well...around here there are more single women than single men in this age group...

I think the men realize they don't need to commit. The women are happy to come over, clean his house and cook for him.....the men eat it up...

I don't know if it is for a need of male companionship or to supplement their income......it is both sad and funny.....