topic Re: Thanksgiving Question in Community Chat

Thanksgiving Question

JenJenMO1971 — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 19:51:10 GMT

I am single and both of my parents have now passed away so I am now alone for the holidays.

One of my friends invited me for Thanksgiving this year, which is super nice and I am grateful for her offer but she thinks I owe it to her to go to her house for every holiday now that my family is gone. I, however, think it's important for me to start my own holiday traditions that I can build memories on.

Last year, she gracciously invited me for Christmas, which I accepted. The whole time I was there, even though her family was lovely to me, being around someone else's family just made me miss my famiy so much. I realized then and there that starting this year, I needed to start my own holiday traditions.

I am blessed to have many friends reach out and offer me to spend the holidays with them and I've been trying to think of a way to see all of them, in the middle of Covid of course.

I am considering dropping by each of their houses for an hour or so on Thanksgiving, including my friend, so I can see everybody and then going home to enjoy my own home-cooked dinner for Thanksgiving night.

Am I selfish for starting my own traditions and doing things this way? My friend gets her feelings hurt if things aren't done her way. She's sees it as me rejecting her, which is not the case at all.

Is it selfish to start your own traditions when it comes to the holidays?

I would love feedback. Thanks!

Re: Thanksgiving Question

RedTop — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 19:54:14 GMT

Definitely start your own traditions.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

rockygems123 — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 19:54:56 GMT

@JenJenMO1971 wrote:
I am single and both of my parents have now passed away so I am now alone for the holidays.

One of my friends invited me for Thanksgiving this year, which is super nice and I am grateful for her offer but she thinks I owe it to her to go to her house for every holiday now that my family is gone. I, however, think it's important for me to start my own holiday traditions that I can build memories on.

Last year, she gracciously invited me for Christmas, which I accepted. The whole time I was there, even though her family was lovely to me, being around someone else's family just made me miss my famiy so much. I realized then and there that starting this year, I needed to start my own holiday traditions.

I am blessed to have many friends reach out and offer me to spend the holidays with them and I've been trying to think of a way to see all of them, in the middle of Covid of course.

I am considering dropping by each of their houses for an hour or so on Thanksgiving, including my friend, so I can see everybody and then going home to enjoy my own home-cooked dinner for Thanksgiving night.

Am I selfish for starting my own traditions and doing things this way? My friend gets her feelings hurt if things aren't done her way. She's sees it as me rejecting her, which is not the case at all.

Is it selfish to start your own traditions when it comes to the holidays?

I would love feedback. Thanks!

@JenJenMO1971 I don't think you're selfish at all to want to start your own holiday traditions, I think it's really healthy! And this may be the year to try out some variations of how you view your own traditions especially with covid. May be wise to limit your drop ins with your various friends and keep your visits to a minimum. This out of any years I think your friends will understand.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

Leggett28 — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 19:55:36 GMT

@JenJenMO1971 Welcome. I think you should do whatever makes you happy 😊

Re: Thanksgiving Question

GenXmuse — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 19:56:02 GMT

Nope, not at all. You call the shots in your life now.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

PreKteacher — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 19:59:27 GMT

Of course it's not selfish to want to start your own traditions! This might not be the best year to go visit a lot of friends in their homes, though.

If being around other families just makes you miss your own more, why not be honest and tell your friend? You could just say, "I really appreciate the lovely offer to spend the holiday with you, but it's emotionally difficult for me, and I would prefer to spend time with you when it's not a holiday."

I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving, no matter what you decide to do!

Re: Thanksgiving Question

geezerette — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 20:09:03 GMT

I feel the same way. And if this year had been like any other, I would have done like you were planning and just stopped in for a quick visit with my friends and their families.

But this year I'll be staying home, for obvious reasons. This is the perfect time if you feel you need to have "an excuse" to not be with your friends during the holidays.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

Flyer98 — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 20:10:00 GMT

I hope you realize how lucky you are to have so many friends that want to share the holiday with you. Of course, the fact that you are concerned for others' feelings is probably why you have so many friends that want you around.

You certainly do have the right to make your own traditions and I think it would be sufficient to tell people that you are deciding on your new normal. After years of working and help raise granchildren, I found myself lonely and restless. I have a spouse, family, friends but I needed something else. I started taking a class and went back to work part-time. People who look for a new normal and are adaptible are IMO the happiest people.

With COVID, I don't think it would be a good idea to dinner hop. That could be dangerous for you and all the people you are visiting. Maybe you could find a small gathering that you feel would be safe. This is my opinion. Good luck and I hope the holiday season is lovely for you.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

happycat — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 20:13:29 GMT

Boundaries. Your friend should not get to decide how YOU spend the holidays. Or any other days.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

Mellyg — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 20:13:29 GMT

I'm an only child and have 1 living parent. I have a dear friend (also an only child) who has lost both parents. I have her over for all holidays (we've been friends since kids, so she is part of my chaotic extended family). I tend to assume she will come every year, but that's because I have an "open door" policy for people to feel comfortable to come and go on the holidays (to eliminate the "pressure" of having to make the rounds). If she didn't come, I would completely understand.

I don't want anyone to be alone on a holiday; unless they want to be alone (and that's perfectly fine if you want to start a tradition that suits you). The holidays are about wanting happiness for your loved ones, so as long as you are happy, I'm sure your friend will understand.

It sounds as though you have a thoughtful friend. I'm sure she will understand and appreciate your honesty.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

SharkE — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 20:16:41 GMT

use Covid as an excuse to not go over there. Nobody is gonna argue with that. Lets U off the hook. I wouldn't want to be around people that has young adults or teenagers anyway.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

chickenbutt — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 20:25:22 GMT

@happycat wrote:
Boundaries. Your friend should not get to decide how YOU spend the holidays. Or any other days.

ITA with everybody here and especially this.

You do what YOU want to do. I would just politely decline, if I didn't want to go. You don't even owe an explanation but that's up to you.

I don't really have any family, either, and I'm pretty sure the last thing I would want to do would be hang with other peoples' families for holidays.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

Porcelain — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 20:25:24 GMT

With your friends, why not just do drive bys and see each other from a distance, and safely swap dishes with each other? It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You don't have to go inside and be up close with a bunch of maskless people for hours at a time.

If it's worth it for them to go out of their way to host you, surely it would also be worth it to see you and give you their love and support in a safer way.

Creativity is the best way to deal with adversity.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

SouthernBee — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 20:26:36 GMT

@JenJenMO1971 : Start your own tradition. This year you have a good excuse for this year. Then compose a thoughtful and thank you letter to everyone explaining effective January 2021 you will be celebrating each monthly holiday to start new and looking forward to having precious memories.🙏🤗❤️

Re: Thanksgiving Question

Mom2Dogs — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 20:39:01 GMT

@JenJenMO1971 I invite a single friend to our home for the two major holidays, except Thanksgiving...generally we take a short vacation during that time. We are close friend of 50+ years (school age friends)

I always invite by saying you are welcome to spend the day here if you want to...no pressure at all. It's usually my friend, dh and me and occasionally my step daughter shows up.

Personally I'd like to quit hosting...I have never enjoyed cooking for others and when it's the holiday, well it's a bigger meal and pressure.

Just not a lot of fun for me...I've been doing it for years.

Just be honest with your friend...I would not feel bad if my friend declined.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

Still Raining — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 21:55:00 GMT

Doing what you think best for you is always a good option.

This is a good year to decline invitations anyway. Certainly not prudent to mingle.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

catter70 — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 21:59:37 GMT

I think if that's what you want, then that's what you should do.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

hckynut — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 22:09:58 GMT

@JenJenMO1971

Your question at the very end. NO!

hckynut(john)

Re: Thanksgiving Question

willdob3 — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 22:13:40 GMT

@SharkE wrote:
use Covid as an excuse to not go over there. Nobody is gonna argue with that. Lets U off the hook. I wouldn't want to be around people that has young adults or teenagers anyway.

If necessary, this can be a good option. They can’t win this argument.

Then, when they invite you next year, you can honestly let them know that you enjoyed this year on your own for the holiday(s) that you decided to make it a tradition.

Re: Thanksgiving Question

noodleann — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 22:23:21 GMT

@JenJenMO1971 wrote:
I am single and both of my parents have now passed away so I am now alone for the holidays.

One of my friends invited me for Thanksgiving this year, which is super nice and I am grateful for her offer but she thinks I owe it to her to go to her house for every holiday now that my family is gone. I, however, think it's important for me to start my own holiday traditions that I can build memories on.

Last year, she gracciously invited me for Christmas, which I accepted. The whole time I was there, even though her family was lovely to me, being around someone else's family just made me miss my famiy so much. I realized then and there that starting this year, I needed to start my own holiday traditions.

I am blessed to have many friends reach out and offer me to spend the holidays with them and I've been trying to think of a way to see all of them, in the middle of Covid of course.

I am considering dropping by each of their houses for an hour or so on Thanksgiving, including my friend, so I can see everybody and then going home to enjoy my own home-cooked dinner for Thanksgiving night.

Am I selfish for starting my own traditions and doing things this way? My friend gets her feelings hurt if things aren't done her way. She's sees it as me rejecting her, which is not the case at all.

Is it selfish to start your own traditions when it comes to the holidays?

I would love feedback. Thanks!

How nice to work out how you want to start celebrating the holidays in your new status!

Not nice that anyone is putting pressure on you to conform to their idea of what your holiday should be.

Since we're in the midst of a terrible pandemic, it is not appropriate to go from house to house. Besides, those visits could be draining in actuality, and your dinner at home a sad afterthought.

I'd make the dinner the central piece of the day. Place brief calls to the friends, if you feel like it, to wish them a happy Thanksgiving--or get a card in the mail to each of them this week. But I would not say anything about making other traditions, because that could be an opening that enables them to say, "Why wouldn't you make us part of your new tradition?" And then it gets awkward.

"Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I have other plans. Have a wonderful day!" is truthful and perfectly adequate.

I'm a singleton and I put the kaibosh on pity invitations a long time ago. The friends thought they were doing me a favor; I wanted only to be home, watching an old movie, doling out bits of my Marie Callender's dinner to the cat.