topic Re: Relationship Question in Community Chat

Relationship Question

beach-mom — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:03:21 GMT

A couple gets divorced. They have three children; the oldest is 10. She gets primary custody; he has visitation. His job requires a lot of travel. Sadly three years later she is killed in an accident. The children go to live with their maternal grandparents for a while. Grandparents decide it's too much for them and want one of the children to live with their other married daughter (no children of her own). Dad comes back into the picture, changes his position that requires very little travel and gets full custody. Everyone is happy.

When the oldest is a teenager he refers to his dad as a "widower." Of course no one corrects him, but I think because they were divorced he is not a "widower." A friend disagrees. Just wondering what you all think. TIA!

Re: Relationship Question

roster — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:10:51 GMT

Since he was divorced first, then his wife died afterwards, I'd say divorced.

Re: Relationship Question

MamaWick — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:08:27 GMT

His marital status is divorced.

Re: Relationship Question

Leggett28 — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:06:50 GMT

@beach-mom I agree with you. They were divorced.

Re: Relationship Question

Sooner — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:07:24 GMT

@beach-mom wrote:
A couple gets divorced. They have three children; the oldest is 10. She gets primary custody; he has visitation. His job requires a lot of travel. Sadly three years later she is killed in an accident. The children go to live with their maternal grandparents for a while. Grandparents decide it's too much for them and want one of the children to live with their other married daughter (no children of her own). Dad comes back into the picture, changes his position that requires very little travel and gets full custody. Everyone is happy.

When the oldest is a teenager he refers to his dad as a "widower." Of course no one corrects him, but I think because they were divorced he is not a "widower." A friend disagrees. Just wondering what you all think. TIA!

@beach-mom "Everyone is happy." That's the only thing that matters and stuff like whether he is a "widower" or not should not matter to anyone and be dropped immediately as a topic of discussion.

Re: Relationship Question

deepwaterdotter — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:07:47 GMT

Perhaps the child is just more comfortable with the term "widower" when referring to his father's marital status. These children have had quite a bit to deal with in their lives.

Re: Relationship Question

Zhills — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:15:18 GMT

"Widower" would help the children avoid the "Where's your Mother?" question. Would make life a bit easier for them. They need that!

Re: Relationship Question

Wsmom — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:21:23 GMT

IMO a label doesn't matter. Whatever term makes the kids comfortable would be my thought.

But technically, without anyone correcting the kids, I agree that he is divorced. If that make sense.

Re: Relationship Question

millieshops — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:30:23 GMT

I'd say he's the boy's father and stay out of the fray. Legally he is divorced, I believe, but why the boy chooses to say widowed instead may have nothing to do at all with legalities.

I didn't see any comment about what the father calls himself, but I do see a whole lot going on in that family which could make the young man's life hard to explain to himself let alone to his friends.

Re: Relationship Question

GenXmuse — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:33:16 GMT

I wouldn't concern myself whatever she prefers to refer to him as. Do the technicalities really matter?

Re: Relationship Question

Cakers3 — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:37:29 GMT

@beach-mom wrote:
A couple gets divorced. They have three children; the oldest is 10. She gets primary custody; he has visitation. His job requires a lot of travel. Sadly three years later she is killed in an accident. The children go to live with their maternal grandparents for a while. Grandparents decide it's too much for them and want one of the children to live with their other married daughter (no children of her own). Dad comes back into the picture, changes his position that requires very little travel and gets full custody. Everyone is happy.

When the oldest is a teenager he refers to his dad as a "widower." Of course no one corrects him, but I think because they were divorced he is not a "widower." A friend disagrees. Just wondering what you all think. TIA!

@beach-mom All that matters is what I highlighted.

While yes, Dad is divorced, this young teen has dealt with the divorce; indicating Dad is a widower shuts out any question as to where mom is today.

I think it is fine and I hope nobody corrects him (not meaning you).

Re: Relationship Question

violann — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:40:30 GMT

In my book, a child who can reconcile himself to the turmoil all 3 of these children have endured, can call his father by any polite title he wants.

Dad is a smart cookie to let the situation go for now. At some point in the future if he or his son feel it needs a rethink, he and his son will have more investment in their relationship and may choose, or not choose, to change something (or not).

Re: Relationship Question

Love my grandkids — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:42:31 GMT

@beach-mom Technically the dad is divorced but for pete's sake, if it makes the kid feel better to say "widower" WHO CARES?????

Re: Relationship Question

SXMGirl — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 22:19:22 GMT

Technically, it is a divorce. The children can call it whatever they want and it really is no one's business. In fact, unless you live with the family, no one know the dynamics and maybe the parents were in the process of getting back together, or maybe they, to some extent, still considered themselves married. It happens. The most important thing is that the kids are happy.

Re: Relationship Question

Peaches McPhee — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 20:49:14 GMT

Three quarters of that "story" has nothing to do with the final question.

He was divorced before wife died, so he is not a widower. But like others have said, does it really matter what he calls himself, or what his son call him? This one of those times, when being "technically right" is not so important.

Re: Relationship Question

ROMARY — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 21:01:32 GMT

Imo, it's absolutely fine for the son to call his dad a widower.

It's his way of coping. Probably especially around his new friends, etc.

This should not bother anyone.

I wouldn't mention anything about it to him.

Just 'carry on'.

Re: Relationship Question

Marp — Sun, 19 Jul 2020 21:30:12 GMT

@beach-mom wrote:
A couple gets divorced. They have three children; the oldest is 10. She gets primary custody; he has visitation. His job requires a lot of travel. Sadly three years later she is killed in an accident. The children go to live with their maternal grandparents for a while. Grandparents decide it's too much for them and want one of the children to live with their other married daughter (no children of her own). Dad comes back into the picture, changes his position that requires very little travel and gets full custody. Everyone is happy.

When the oldest is a teenager he refers to his dad as a "widower." Of course no one corrects him, but I think because they were divorced he is not a "widower." A friend disagrees. Just wondering what you all think. TIA!

I think referring to his father as a widower is a comfort to the teen and indicates to me he had/has a problem with the divorce. Perhaps it is his way of figuratively keeping the family unit intact.

I'm not sure that anyone should "correct" the teen but a conversation about why is definitely in order.

Re: Relationship Question

MyShadowLove — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 00:46:43 GMT

@Marp wrote:

I think referring to his father as a widower is a comfort to the teen and indicates to me he had/has a problem with the divorce. Perhaps it is his way of figuratively keeping the family unit intact.

I'm not sure that anyone should "correct" the teen but a conversation about why is definitely in order.

@Marp ...What a thoughtful, insightful and compassionate observation...It could very well be related to how he emotionally processed and copes with his parents' divorce and, subsequently, his mother's death...both such traumatic experiences...at such a young age just within three years of each other.

I do agree that, in time, a sensitive and understanding talk with his son would be very therapeautic for both of them.

Re: Relationship Question

Sooner — Mon, 20 Jul 2020 00:34:42 GMT

I think to mention it to anyone is cruel at this point.