topic Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice.... in Community Chat

My mother died. Looking for some advice....

FiddleDeeDee — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 20:45:41 GMT

My mother died this past week unexpectedly. Following her wishes, I had her cremated and chose the urn and vault. She will stay at the funeral home until the funeral.

Here is where I need advice:

She wants a mass and reception. She already chose and paid for her plot. The cemetery is NOT doing full service burials at the moment. Now, I can have her buried but only 1 person can be there; no graveside service....you meet the hearse at the curb, say good bye and off you go.

Do I do this and have the mass and reception some time this year or next year (depending on the virus)?

Do I hold her at the funeral home until her specific wishes can be carried out no matter how long that may be?

I've spoken with the funeral director, the priests and the burial site; ALL have told me that waitlist is going to be almost a year (or longer, again, based on the virus) if I want the latter. If I just have her buried, I'm looking at 2-3 months, on average if I put her name on the list now.

What would you do?

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

Chicagosuburbangirl — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 20:49:17 GMT

Have a mass said in her name at a later date and a memorial gathering when things go back to normal.

Your mom will understand.

My heartfelt sympathies.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

chprsp — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 20:54:15 GMT

My sister took mother's urn and kept it until the service. So sorry for your loss.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

FiddleDeeDee — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 20:54:27 GMT

@Chicagosuburbangirl Thank you

Should I bury her now or wait till later? Honestly, this is what is weighing heavily on me.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

Marp — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 20:54:33 GMT

@FiddleDeeDee, have you considered doing both? You could have the mass (just attended by you and your mother's cremains if you wish) now with internment in the 2-3 months currently available followed by a full memorial mass and reception when allowed. Perhaps even a graveside gathering and services at that time.

The thought of not being graveside at or prior to burial may be difficult but for me having the cremains in the hands of an overwhelmed funeral home for a year or more would have a greater negative impact on my emotional well being.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

FiddleDeeDee — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 20:58:07 GMT

@Marp The Church isn't doing any type of services as of now. So, it would be me, the urn and the person who will place the vault in the grave meeting up at the curb. It sounds so...cold and empty to me to do that. I agree about having her stay at the funeral home until whenever.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

Chicagosuburbangirl — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 20:58:26 GMT

@FiddleDeeDee Later would be fine.

There is no hurry for this.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

1Snickers — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:00:54 GMT

@FiddleDeeDee My sympathy for your loss. It's a hard time for you.
Is there a way you could arrange a mass by video? I'm unsure how it could be done but it's a possibility. You could have a memorial service also by video. Due to the virus people are changing things now.
I read that a patient was given last rites by video, so maybe the mass could be also.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

SharkE — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:01:20 GMT

@FiddleDeeDee wrote:
@Chicagosuburbangirl Thank you

Should I bury her now or wait till later? Honestly, this is what is weighing heavily on me.

If they hold her will be costly. I'd do it now. Nobody could have seen these circumstances.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

grandma r — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:04:40 GMT

@FiddleDeeDee I am so sorry for your loss.

This is a very difficult time to start and not fulfilling her wishes must be hard to cope with.

If you are able to have her ashes buried now, that may help. A Mass of Christian Burial can be held when this lockdown us over. Photo boards or a portrait of her can be in the church.

I hope you are able to find some solace at this time.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

Chicagosuburbangirl — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:09:14 GMT

@SharkE Hold her urn?

I doubt there is a charge for this, but if so, just take mom home until burial.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

Dinaki — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:09:51 GMT

It is indeed very sad for the passing of your dearest mama Fiddledeedee.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

gidgetgh — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:12:08 GMT

I'm so sorry for your loss.

If you are local and going to delay the burial for now, I personally would bring the urn home and keep the ashes with me. That's what we did with my mom. I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving her out there in the universe. I'd be afraid she would have been misplaced.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

Marp — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:12:56 GMT

@FiddleDeeDee, I am confident, well at least hopeful, that if you asked your priest to hold mass just for you and your mom he would agree. Maintaining social distancing would not be a problem with just you and the priest in attendance or the mass can be done online. This could be done before you hand the urn over to the person that will be doing the internment.

If your priest needs a little prompting ask him if the church is refusing last rites. When he says no return to a solitary mass. If he claims he cannot say mass with just one remind him of

Mathew 18:20--For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them--the priest is the second person. If an additional prompt is needed remind him that the Holy Father has been saying mass to an empty St. Peter's Square this Holy week.

I am so sorry you are having to make such difficult decisions during this time of loss and grief.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

kjae — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:20:24 GMT

I am so sorry for your loss. If I were faced with this decision, I would bring her home until such time as this can be thought out. It seems that this is something that you should not have to burden yourself with right now. Later on you might have regrets that you felt pushed to make choices that you will be unhappy with as time goes on. There is nothing wrong with bringing the urn home.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

nana59 — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:22:08 GMT

hoping you have family members to help you through this....had you seen her lately...i have several friends who have parents....and spouses...in a nursing home and are unable to visit them.....such a sad time....i wish you well....you can only do the best you can during this stressful time....please take care....

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

ahoymate — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:25:24 GMT

Sorry for your loss. It's very difficult to make decisions on your own when you are grieving. The only thing I would suggest, listen to your intuition, your heart It will guide you to the right decision.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

godi — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:25:56 GMT

I agree with other posters, I would have her buried now and get on the waiting list for a mass in her honor and then have the reception after. I am very sorry for your loss, it's hard anytime to lose a loved one but at this time it must be unbelievable. God bless you and your family. 🙏

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

september — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:26:40 GMT

@FiddleDeeDee I'm so sorry for your loss. I would do as others have said...bring her ashes home with you, for now.

this is a tough time to be dealing with the death of a loved one. When things settle down, you can then make the other decisions.

Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

Mom2Dogs — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 21:33:07 GMT

I have a friend whose DH died early winter 2019 and was waiting until May 2020 to bring his ashes back to their northern home for the service. The childen all had plans to fly into the area for the funeral and then a large gathering that evening. She cancelled everything yesterday, since everything is shut down right now.

Her wishes now are to just do something with his ashes and forgo any service later this year or next year, the children want her to wait....she is not sure she wants to wait another 6-12 months for the burial....I am sure it is a dificult choice.

I am the type that like to get things over with in a swift manner, but that's me.

I am sorry for your loss.