topic Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore? in Community Chat

Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

Janet89 — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:06:14 GMT

I am a parent of a late-teen boy. He is taking college courses, but lives at home. He still has a curfew. Many of his friends have either never had a curfew or, now that they're out of HS, don't have one. He is very good about keeping curfew, and, actually now that he's out of HS, doesn't complain about it much. If there is something special going on, we make arrangements ahead of time that he will be later than usual or he stays with friends.

He started seeing a HS girl last fall. I felt she was a little young, and, was somewhat concerned that he had met her at a college party. The (not serious) relationship ended after he had an accident that resulted in a broken leg. She was present when the accident happened. She pretty much dumped him a week after he got out of the hospital.

She was at another college party about a month ago that he attended. He basically said he was thankful she had moved on and showed me her "outfit" of a bra with see-through fishnet top that had been on Snapchat. She had tried to talk to him, but, he said she was so drunk she wasn't making sense. Btw, this girl just turned 17.

Is this the new normal? Am I really lame thinking that teens should not stay out all night? Of course, with the virus stiuation, these rules or lack of *should be changing for a while. However, I really have not seen much change in the behavior of the teens or early 20s group in our community . . . .

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

kitcat51 — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:09:19 GMT

HS, yes...College, no.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

Preds — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:15:03 GMT

There have always been teens without structure. She appears to one of them. Social media hasn't helped with certain shows or facebook influiencers telling them to be there own person and no one can dictate what they should or could do.

What may have been a few years ago seems to have grown. Hopefully, they will outgrow it, live thru it, and make a great life...based on their current actions.

Rebels will always show themselve, just as the "grounded" kids. Have faith.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

ECBG — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:16:40 GMT

WOW! There are still "all kinds" aren't there? After having taught so many teenagers, sometimes it's hard to remember that there are dysfunctional families, and unfortunately, there will always be. The stories can have a wide variety of reasons why the home isn't functional, and it's such a shame.

If that young lady is out there like that, it doen't speak well of her, sadly.

Our boys certainly had a curfew. When parents make a curfew, they need to share the responsibility of enforcing it-together.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

CelticCrafter — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:20:46 GMT

I'd be thankful she's no longer in his life.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

software — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:23:00 GMT

What is a college party?

Is it at a frat house, or a private home?

Having a drunk 17 year old around will get you put in jail.

Your son is finding out he probably needs a new set of friends.

The girl needs more than a curfew.

@Janet89

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

Janet89 — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:39:52 GMT

The parties were at a college guy's house near a campus over an hour drive from here. He has been known to have them about every weekend for years. I *think he is now a Senior.

The girl seemed to be from a good family. Due to their short relationship, I only met her Mother, who is an elementary teacher. Definitely did not seem to be the type for "no rules", but, her daughter may have her completely fooled!

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

Snowpuppy — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:41:56 GMT

HS? YES

COLLEGE BREAKS? YES

MOVED BACK HOME AS A BOOMERANG KID? YES

LAID OFF DUE TO COVID 19 AND TEMP COUCH SURFING? NO

only because he's in bed before I am ! 😉

I do run my house like Marine Corps boot camp.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

mom2four0418 — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:45:33 GMT

@Janet89 wrote:
The parties were at a college guy's house near a campus over an hour drive from here. He has been known to have them about every weekend for years. I *think he is now a Senior.
The girl seemed to be from a good family. Due to their short relationship, I only met her Mother, who is an elementary teacher. Definitely did not seem to be the type for "no rules", but, her daughter may have her completely fooled!

Is your son of drinking age? I would be more concerned if my own child was attending college drinking parties.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

Anonymous032819 — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:48:53 GMT

If your child is in high school, yes, they should have a curfew.

Once they are over the age of 18, and are a legal adult, no, they don't need a curfew.

They should let you know where they're going, and when they'll be back, but that's just a courtesy.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

stevieb — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:50:39 GMT

There have always been and will always be teens whose parents are more lax than others in the curfew and 'experimental behaviors' departments and there have always been and will always been teens who find ways to get around the rules, even when they have them. This is not the 'new' normal, this has always been a factor.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

Annabellethecat66 — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:49:49 GMT

One of the most difficult things a parent can teach their child is that it's a matter of courtesy to let the parent know (when living in their house) if they're going to be late or spending the night somewhere else.

My 39 year old daughter lives alone in the city in Denver. It's a little rough neighborhood.

She often will send (text) me a smile face with the kiss when she gets home. Just so I know she's safe.

We taught our girls when they were very young that by being home on time (we don't use the word curfew) well, at the agreed upon time, they are being courteous to us so we don't worry about them.

It isn't easy teaching them that. It's the nature of a teenager to want to push buttons and stretch their wings.

But if a parent keeps up and shows the child respect, the child will do the same.

I remember when my oldest daughter was probably a junior in high school. None of my girls dated much but she really liked this boy. He'd been at our house many times and we knew (one of us had met his parents).

So she goes out on the date and it's 12:00 and she's not home. My late husband got in his car and rode around looking for them.

She came home while he was still out. She wasn't punished. We just sat down and talked to her like an adult and got her to see how worried and stressed we were. We live in an area of two lane roads everywhere. It can be very dangerous.

We told her she has a right to expect certain things from us and vice versa. We said, "When we go out together, we tell you where we're going (she might be watching her sisters) and how to get in touch with us. We don't make you sit and worry about us. That's the way it should be both ways".

If you make sense and talk like a human to them with respect most teenagers want respect and be treated like an adult.

If you can show them something to relate to, they'll like that. We never talked 'down' to our girls. Never from the beginning 'baby talk', etc.

There were little blips along the way and some with her sisters, but for the most part it wasn't difficult.

I do remember the first time each of them came home from college and started out the door to date, party, etc at 10-11 PM. We said, "Well, you aren't in college where it's safer". We hope you'll use common sense when away.

But when you are where we are and we know and can worry, please respect us and don't be pulling that stuff.

So, the bottom line is start early, keep it up, don't vary and in the long run it will pay off.

Funny because my daughter is now raising 3 teenagers and we just talked about this.

Her oldest soon turns 18. She'll be off at college this year. But while she's here she'll be courteous because it's the right thing to do. Period.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

stevieb — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:56:00 GMT

OP, as for the girl, she sounds like she's developing into quite a piece of work and that there'll be more trouble ahead for both her and her parents. She either has her parents snowed or they're only seeing what they want to see. I'd be well beyond glad that realtionship didn't last.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

Porcelain — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:54:17 GMT

@mom2four0418 wrote:
@Janet89 wrote:
The parties were at a college guy's house near a campus over an hour drive from here. He has been known to have them about every weekend for years. I *think he is now a Senior.
The girl seemed to be from a good family. Due to their short relationship, I only met her Mother, who is an elementary teacher. Definitely did not seem to be the type for "no rules", but, her daughter may have her completely fooled!
Is your son of drinking age? I would be more concerned if my own child was attending college drinking parties.

Good catch. A late teen boy should not be at drinking parties.

Also, IMO it's tacky to teach your son to show you pictures of girls in order for you to pick apart what they are wearing. You both should have instead been concerned about her safety since she was drunk and in the company of (technically) adults. And he shouldn't have been there in the first place.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

Anonymous032819 — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 21:08:29 GMT

@Annabellethecat66 wrote:
One of the most difficult things a parent can teach their child is that it's a matter of courtesy to let the parent know (when living in their house) if they're going to be late or spending the night somewhere else.

My 39 year old daughter lives alone in the city in Denver. It's a little rough neighborhood.

She often will send (text) me a smile face with the kiss when she gets home. Just so I know she's safe.

We taught our girls when they were very young that by being home on time (we don't use the word curfew) well, at the agreed upon time, they are being courteous to us so we don't worry about them.

It isn't easy teaching them that. It's the nature of a teenager to want to push buttons and stretch their wings.

But if a parent keeps up and shows the child respect, the child will do the same.

I remember when my oldest daughter was probably a junior in high school. None of my girls dated much but she really liked this boy. He'd been at our house many times and we knew (one of us had met his parents).

So she goes out on the date and it's 12:00 and she's not home. My late husband got in his car and rode around looking for them.

She came home while he was still out. She wasn't punished. We just sat down and talked to her like an adult and got her to see how worried and stressed we were. We live in an area of two lane roads everywhere. It can be very dangerous.

We told her she has a right to expect certain things from us and vice versa. We said, "When we go out together, we tell you where we're going (she might be watching her sisters) and how to get in touch with us. We don't make you sit and worry about us. That's the way it should be both ways".

If you make sense and talk like a human to them with respect most teenagers want respect and be treated like an adult.

If you can show them something to relate to, they'll like that. We never talked 'down' to our girls. Never from the beginning 'baby talk', etc.

There were little blips along the way and some with her sisters, but for the most part it wasn't difficult.

I do remember the first time each of them came home from college and started out the door to date, party, etc at 10-11 PM. We said, "Well, you aren't in college where it's safer". We hope you'll use common sense when away.

But when you are where we are and we know and can worry, please respect us and don't be pulling that stuff.

So, the bottom line is start early, keep it up, don't vary and in the long run it will pay off.

Funny because my daughter is now raising 3 teenagers and we just talked about this.

Her oldest soon turns 18. She'll be off at college this year. But while she's here she'll be courteous because it's the right thing to do. Period.

@Annabellethecat66

My parents raised me the same way that you raised your kids, with respect.

it was a two-way street.

I respected them, and they respected me.

I only broke curfew once, and it wasn't intentional on my part.

I was in high school back in the mid 1980's, so before cell phones, and I was out with a group of friends.

it was getting close to my curfew, so I asked them to take me home, b because I didn't want to disappoint my parents.

I got home, about 20 minutes past curfew, and I apologized for being late, and explained what happened.

They told me that I could've found a pay phone to let them know that I was going to be coming home late.

And that was it.

no punishment, because they knew that I didn't miss curfew on purpose.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

qbetzforreal — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 21:07:36 GMT

The son is a late teen, so he's 18 or 19. He's not of drinking age so neither he or the 17 yr old former girlfriend should be at party where alcohol is being served. It happens all the time usually with not so good results.

Even though the son and girl are only a year or two part in age, that too can become a slippery slope because she is a minor.

When I was a teen, I had a curfew. I had several friends who did not- this included boys and girls. Once I turned 18, the curfew went away. My parents trusted my judgement.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

Wsmom — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 21:09:37 GMT

More importantly, at least in CA, your son needs to stay away from underage girls. I worked in court for years and saw many young men go to jail for "being" with underage girls. I mean 19 y/o boy and 17 y/o girl. Parents found out and went after him.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

Janet89 — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 21:17:36 GMT

@Annabellethecat66, yes, it is courtesy. I have been very honest with him that I am a worrier. Also, I go by my late Mom's comment that "nothing good happens after midnight!" LOL

@mom2four0418 and @Porcelain, Yes, you are correct. He has attended two of these parties with his friends who are the same age. He stayed at the apartment of some of his older friends who are also attending that school. No, he not legal drinking age yet. If he had chosen that campus instead of community college, I'm sure he would be experimenting much more than he has. Everything was discussed prior to his attending and they had a designated driver. He said he doubts he'll go back because it wasn't that fun.

As far as the girls outfit and being concerned, she is dating the guy that was throwing the party, so, he was in charge of her. I think he showed me the picture because she had ended up being someone very different than who he thought she was. It's on her social media, so anyone can see it if they look.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

haddon9 — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 21:19:20 GMT

I'm 65 and way back in the 70s I never really had a curfew. In hs my mother asked that I be home at a reasonable time and I would let her know approximately when I would come home. If there was a problem then I found a phone to give her a call.

Once in college I it was more or less the same thing but I did stay out later than when I was in high school.

Back then the drinking age was 18 in NJ.

Re: Do parents of teens not require curfews and/or rules anymore?

Janet89 — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 21:23:51 GMT

@qbetzforreal, I think when he met her, he thought she was also in college. . . . He says he's sworn off girls in HS now!