topic Re: Attending a funeral in Community Chat

Attending a funeral

lovesrecess — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 03:33:19 GMT

My sister just found out her ex has passed away. The funeral is in three days and it is in the same town where she lives. She wants to attend the funeral....but his family has been hostile towards her since the divorce 14 yrs ago. It was not an amicable divorce. He was cheating on her and was still living with the woman when he died. No children that she knows of but not sure. My sister had no children with her ex. I cannot attend the funeral with her due to some adjunct work I am doing, so she would have to go alone. Do you think she should go? She has asked a couple of friends and so far, no takers. I can't figure out why she would even want to go, knowing how his family has treated her over the years.

Re: Attending a funeral

Sooner — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 03:39:42 GMT

@lovesrecess wrote:
My sister just found out her ex has passed away. The funeral is in three days and it is in the same town where she lives. She wants to attend the funeral....but his family has been hostile towards her since the divorce 14 yrs ago. It was not an amicable divorce. He was cheating on her and was still living with the woman when he died. No children that she knows of but not sure. My sister had no children with her ex. I cannot attend the funeral with her due to some adjunct work I am doing, so she would have to go alone. Do you think she should go? She has asked a couple of friends and so far, no takers. I can't figure out why she would even want to go, knowing how his family has treated her over the years.

@lovesrecess In my mind she has absolutely no business there. It would be uncomfortable for the family and the other woman, and do her absolutely no good except make her look bad. I don't see any up side to it.

Re: Attending a funeral

Love my grandkids — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 03:41:15 GMT

@lovesrecess You couldn't PAY me to go to any event, much less a funeral, for an ex spouse who cheated on me and shacked up with the other woman.

No how, no way, nof even if I *did* have kids with the a hole which your friend did not.

Why in the world would she want to go? His family obviously can't stand her as she said. What's the point?

Re: Attending a funeral

Carmie — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 03:49:18 GMT

I would go to the funeral home earlier in the day before the family and friends arrive. The funeral directors usually have no problems with this. She can call ahead and check.

Your sister can pay her last respects and high tail out of there to avoid confrontation.

I have a family member who is a funeral director. Many people do this, especially if they want to take children or a handicapped person for a last visit. I often do this myself.

Re: Attending a funeral

Nightowlz — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 03:51:28 GMT

If the family has been hostile towards her it's best she does not go.

They have been divorced for 14 years plus he was still married to the women he cheated on her with.

Re: Attending a funeral

SurferWife — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 03:56:03 GMT

I actually attended my ex-husband's funeral 12 years ago. We divorced because he had a girlfriend & he was living with her when he died. He died one month after I remarried & my new husband actually went with me. My ex's family did want me there. They called me when he died, although I already knew he was on his deathbed because we had mutual friends who kept me apprised of his health. I'm glad I went. I got to see my ex in-laws one more time. I loved them; they loved me. I was able to say my good-byes & my new husband supported me.

Re: Attending a funeral

Nancy Drew — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 03:56:45 GMT

Why does she want to go? What is the upside for her? Does she want some kind of closer? Or hey buddy I outlived you? Or is she curious?

Re: Attending a funeral

stevieb — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 03:59:44 GMT

@lovesrecess I sort of get it. At one time, there was a relationship between them and she probably wants closure. My only thought is to go a bit late, sit in the back and head out when the service is winding down. She shouldn't have to sneak around, but if there's concern about a possible scene, best to avoid it if possible. Otherwise, if she's determined to be there for the entirety of the service, she goes and lets the chips fall where they may.

Re: Attending a funeral

Goldengate8361 — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 04:11:39 GMT

it should certainly be ok for her to attend. Her ex was a chapter in her life and she in his....attending may help give her closure. it sounds like her desire to attend is out of kindness and such actions are usually a good thing for everybody.

Re: Attending a funeral

Love my grandkids — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 04:12:10 GMT

@SurferWife Your case is different n that your ex's familly still welcomed you. The friend's family is hostile and doesn't like her.

But it's great that you had the support of your DH. Very classy!

Re: Attending a funeral

VegasBusinessWoman — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 04:14:57 GMT

Why not just go put flowers on the grave and spend a little time with him at the cemetery?

Re: Attending a funeral

likeitis — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 04:17:18 GMT

In my opinion, no she shouldn't go.

Maybe if they had had chicken together it would be a different story.

Clearly his family doesn't want to see her. To me it would seem like in intrusion on their privacy.

Maybe she could just stop by a church and maybe light a candle and say a prayer for him? ( if she feels she has to do something)

Re: Attending a funeral

Goldengate8361 — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 04:21:49 GMT

@likeitis i am guessing that you meant children, not chicken, right? i literally laughed out loud as i was trying to figure out how chicken would impact relations! haha! you just made my evening.

Re: Attending a funeral

gramgrandkids1 — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 04:24:54 GMT

@lovesrecess Why on Earth would she want to go? Parted on bad terms, his family did not care for her, she has no children to take to funeral, he cheated on her. It's not like he just died and she wanted to say a final good bye. Sounds like she wants to show his family and woman he cheated with that she had final laugh by out living him. After the way he and his family treated her, I would not want to be within a 100 miles of any of them.

Re: Attending a funeral

likeitis — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 04:28:00 GMT

oh my goodness 😞

I can't believe that it posted "chicken "....well, I do apologize. Obviously a mistake.

Have to admit that I got a few giggles from that one...I'm still laughing.

Ty for bringing that to my attention...glad I could make you laugh 😂 too.

Goodnight to all.

Re: Attending a funeral

sunshine45 — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 04:28:14 GMT

out of respect for HIS family and since they do not have children and since she has no relationship with the partner he was with, she should absolutely skip the funeral.

Re: Attending a funeral

Cakers3 — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 04:30:41 GMT

@lovesrecess wrote:
My sister just found out her ex has passed away. The funeral is in three days and it is in the same town where she lives. She wants to attend the funeral....but his family has been hostile towards her since the divorce 14 yrs ago. It was not an amicable divorce. He was cheating on her and was still living with the woman when he died. No children that she knows of but not sure. My sister had no children with her ex. I cannot attend the funeral with her due to some adjunct work I am doing, so she would have to go alone. Do you think she should go? She has asked a couple of friends and so far, no takers. I can't figure out why she would even want to go, knowing how his family has treated her over the years.

@lovesrecess There's her answer.

If she cannot attend alone, then she knows the situation does not require her attendance.

Her presence would be disturbing at the very least; regardless of his treatment of your sister this person still has family and another woman who apparently cared for him.

With no children with this man, the connection to him ended 14 years ago; even longer since he was unfaithful.

She will have to make her own decision and accept whatever consequences happen if she does attend.

Re: Attending a funeral

SurferWife — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 04:36:41 GMT

@Love my grandkids wrote:
@SurferWife Your case is different n that your ex's familly still welcomed you. The friend's family is hostile and doesn't like her.

But it's great that you had the support of your DH. Very classy!

@Love my grandkids

Yes, I realize that my case was different. I should have stated that before I told my story. Reading her story just brought back memories...😪

Re: Attending a funeral

rms1954 — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 04:41:08 GMT

Don't think it matters what "we" think. Seems like she has her mind set on going for whatever her reason she has.

Re: Attending a funeral

GCR18 — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 05:04:40 GMT

Doesn't seem like it's a good idea. I don't think she has any business going. It could cause a scene with the family and the girl friend or make them feel uncomfortable. If she divorced last year, that would be different. He's from the past, leave him there.