topic Re: How do you feel about this? in Community Chat

How do you feel about this?

goldensrbest — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 22:58:58 GMT

If a family member is living their last days, and will die, should you go see them before they pass? Even though it means a plane ticket, i feel it is more important ,than going after they pass.

Re: How do you feel about this?

Goldengate8361 — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:01:51 GMT

Yes, of course you should travel to see them if you love them. It strikes me as a little odd that this is even a question.

Re: How do you feel about this?

goldensrbest — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:05:11 GMT

@Goldengate8361 wrote:
Yes, of course you should travel to see them if you love them. It strikes me as a little odd that this is even a question.

I do agree, i think it is more important ,than after they die.

Re: How do you feel about this?

PA Mom-mom — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:06:27 GMT

@goldensrbest If it's important to you, you will go. It not, you won't.

Re: How do you feel about this?

goldensrbest — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:07:07 GMT

It is not me.

Re: How do you feel about this?

blackhole99 — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:12:23 GMT

If you are asking, you no doubt are not close to the relative. My feeling is, if I wasn't close to this relative I would feel no obligation to go see them or go to the funeral. My mothers brother is in his 90's and in poor health and has dementia, I have not seen him in years and we have not been close since I was a kid. I won't visit him and I won't be going to the funeral when the time comes.

Re: How do you feel about this?

SandySparkles — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:17:35 GMT

It depends on your relationship with that relative. If you have been estranged for years and do not care for them, then I say do not go. It is distasteful if you do. If you loved them, go and pay your respects if you can afford to.

~~~All we need is LOVE💖

Re: How do you feel about this?

Shanus — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:19:19 GMT

Certainly you don't think your relative will know you're at the funeral, so show your love while it counts.

Re: How do you feel about this?

geezerette — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:21:07 GMT

If I didn't care enough about someone to visit them while they were living, I sure wouldn't go to see them after they had died.

Re: How do you feel about this?

Nbo — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:21:58 GMT

Better to see them while their alive. Once dead they don't care.

Re: How do you feel about this?

SandySparkles — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:26:12 GMT

@blackhole99 b

My apologies. It took me so long to write my previous post, that by the time I did, you had already posted yours but I had not seen it. We are definitely thinking the same thing😉👍

~~~All we need is LOVE💖write

Re: How do you feel about this?

alicedee — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:30:37 GMT

If this is a person you love, I would spend the money to go now, and skip the funeral.

If you weren't that close to the person, but want to gather with extended family for the funeral, then that might be your best choice.

And there is no obligation to go to either. It all depends on what YOU want, and think is best.

Re: How do you feel about this?

chiclets — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:30:38 GMT

My response is that you acknowledge the living. After someone is dead why then go to "see" them.

Distance does present a factor when seeing people, and if there is a distance between them and you then an individual can not always acknowledge that person when they are alive with the exception of phone calls et cetera by a means of having kept in touch, and going to the funeral would be accepted, not expected, for that reason.

If people are not in your life while they are alive then why does it matter. People should be thought of when are living, not after death. It is hypocritical to do so afterwards.

Maybe one should consider how the dying person would feel if all of a sudden people show up to say hello. They are dying, and know it, would it be thought of as a kindness for someone to take the time to see them, and would it mean as much to them as it would the person who came to say hello.

You have to decide your own situation. The relationship you feel with the person, the distance, and how you feel with the circumstance. It is difficult.

Communication is important in life, it does not happen after death.

Re: How do you feel about this?

HiLo — Sat, 16 Nov 2019 23:44:43 GMT

When I asked my Dad about why he didn't visit the cemetary more often, he replied "I gave my Mother her flowers while she was still alive". Much more than flowers in this case, he began supporting her and the 3 younger siblings when he was only 16.

Re: How do you feel about this?

SahmIam — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 02:05:52 GMT

@goldensrbest My grandmother died knowing that only 3 people in the family gave a ****** about her. Why is that? Because she suffered for 7 months (Hospice involved) with cancer and NOT ONE of her 12 children, 50 plus grandchildren, 15 plus great grandchildren or great-great grandchildren came to see her before she died. In fact, most of them hadn't seen her for years prior to being sick.

But you better believe they had their hands out for their share of the pie after the funeral. Disgusting.

So, to answer your question: Yes, they should BEFORE the person dies.

Re: How do you feel about this?

grandma r — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 00:26:03 GMT

If this person is important to you and you have been in each other's lives, yes, go.

Re: How do you feel about this?

RedTop — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 00:41:00 GMT

Based on my own circumstances, it just really depends on who it is.

Thankfully I have no relatives far enough away that a plane ticket is needed, as that would be an automatic no.

I hadn't spoken to a cousin for 12 years, even tho he lived in sight of my house, prior to his sickness and death. I despised him for the hurtful things he did to different family members, and felt no obligation to see him, or attend his funeral.

I also did not attend my uncles funeral, which was local. He started the drama that split my family after grandpa died, and loudly vowed to everyone that he would never set foot on the property again. This meant he never visited my dad after his cancer surgery, or any of the times he was sick. However, he was indeed the grieving brother when my dad passed, which was too little too late, and very hypocritical in my opinion. I refused to do the same.

Re: How do you feel about this?

BirkiLady — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 00:50:41 GMT

This is a difficult question. There are reasons for not going at the last minute IMO. My mom was ill for 14 years and, fortunately, those that mattered visited on a regular basis.

However, for selfish reasons there were people who felt they had to visit when they found out she was dying. Not family or close family friends. Mom was too ill for visitors and had dementia. She didn't want visitors!She would not have been able to recall who those people were since they had not see her in many years. The hospital requested 10 minute visits per person.

At the time, we felt those precious 10 minutes should be alloted to family and close friends (those people she still remembered and whom had visited her over the years). Thankfully, her physican had the hospital put a sign on her door which read "One Relative; 10 Minute Limit - Do Not Wake Patient".

When former employees, friends, neighbors, etc. asked if they could make arrangements to visit, we and the hospital had an easy answer for their questions and simply asked them to send a "Thinking of you" card. The card would be read to mom and explained who the person had been in her life. Sometimes she'd remember them; other times she could not, but would enjoy the card anyway and apologize for her memory loss. (That always broke our hearts; her mannors were intact to the end.)

Mom would never have wanted others to remember her as an ill, very thin and forgetful woman. She had always been perfectly dressed and vivacious. It was best those who hadn't visited her in recent years remember the strong, intelligent, successful woman she had been.

At that point, she was ready to go and wasn't able to visit with others well. Dementia is a horrible disease. She deserved to leave this world with her pride, privacy and grace intact.

The memorial service was larger than we anticipated. It was a celebration of her accomplishments and amazing life. That was closure for family, friends, former neighbors, long-lost friends and employees, etc. We loved seeing each one of them and we delighted they came from so many different states to pay their respects. It meant so much to us, her family, who knew and remembered them in her life for decades. It was a joyful reunion of people in her life, celebrating her life . . . exactly what she would have loved!

Re: How do you feel about this?

GenXmuse — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 01:02:24 GMT

I agree. Go when they are living. Please.

Re: How do you feel about this?

GCR18 — Sun, 17 Nov 2019 01:04:37 GMT

I think it would depend on the relationship. If it was a loving one, I'd go now if I could afford to. I wouldn't go out of family obligation.