topic Re: Handling a neighbor issue in Community Chat

Handling a neighbor issue

NYC Susan — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 04:37:39 GMT

A group of friends and I were discussing a situation one of them is having with new neighbors. She lives in a garden apartment, and has lived there for years with no issues. She is planning to complain to management because these neighbors are problematic in several ways. She did discuss one of the issues with them directly a couple of months ago. It was a nice, friendly conversation, but it made no difference. And there are more issues now.

We all agreed that she should contact management. Here’s the question: If the neighbor asks her if she’s the one who complained, what should she say? Should she tell the truth? Deflect? Deny? It’s a nice, quiet apartment complex, and most neighbors are considerate and respectful. This particular family is not. It’s entirely possible that other people have complained, but my friend doesn’t know for sure. She would like to keep things from becoming uncomfortable, especially because the two apartments are close to each other.

(Please no comments such as, “That’s why I don’t live in an apartment”. Apartment living can be just fine, and personally I’ve had more neighbor problems living in a house than in an apartment. So please no apartment bashing. I’ve seen that here many times before. And comments like that are not helpful in addressing the question. Thanks so much to all who reply! ) 😊

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

Warrior2022 — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 18:03:32 GMT

I would not admit it. I watch too much Nightmare Nextdoor.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

Sooner — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 18:04:01 GMT

It's none of their business WHO complained. If they are that rude, she might say "I know that (whatever) has been an issue for a number of residents, so I can't give you a list although I know it is an issue."

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

bathina — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 18:07:13 GMT

She could just say "I don't know who complained. You should take that up with management". And leave it at that. The truth is your friend really doesn't know who it was that complained enough for management to take action.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

ILTH — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 18:19:41 GMT

@NYC Susan wrote:
A group of friends and I were discussing a situation one of them is having with new neighbors. She lives in a garden apartment, and has lived there for years with no issues. She is considering complaining to management because these neighbors are problematic in several ways. She did discuss one of the issues with them directly a couple of months ago. It was a nice, friendly conversation, but it made no difference. And there are more issues now.

We all agreed that she should contact management. Here’s the question: If the neighbor asks her if she’s the one who complained, what should she say? Should she tell the truth? Deflect? Deny? It’s a nice, quiet apartment complex, and most neighbors are considerate and respectful. This particular family is not. It’s entirely possible that other people have complained, but my friend doesn’t know for sure. She would like to keep things from becoming uncomfortable, especially because the two apartments are close to each other.

(Please no comments such as, “That’s why I don’t live in an apartment”. Apartment living can be just fine, and personally I’ve had more neighbor problems living in a house than in an apartment. So please no apartment bashing. I’ve seen that here many times before. And comments like that are not helpful in addressing the question. Thanks so much to all who reply! ) 😊

A simple No. No elaboration. Nothing further.

Management should not (will not) say who made the complaint.

ETA

@NYC Susan

You live in NYC? You know the drill. It shouldn't be different anywhere else.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

sunshine45 — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 18:12:27 GMT

management needs to say "we have had complaints" or "we have noticed this problem....." or "you are in violation of your lease because....."

if she is asked by her neighbors she should just do what she wants to do.

does she want to be honest? then tell them the truth.

does she fear recrimination in some way? then she can say she didnt or tell them to ask management.

she can also try to avoid them if she chooses.

since you all dont know the neighbors she is having the issues with then it really is just up to her.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

happycat — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 18:17:06 GMT

This day in age, I'm not sure I would admit it.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

sunshine45 — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 18:20:58 GMT

@happycat wrote:
This day in age, I'm not sure I would admit it.

then perhaps it is even not worth mentioning to the management?

she has already complained directly to the residents......they will pretty much know once management says something to them.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

JesssMe — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 18:54:15 GMT

What is the issue (s) with the neighbor? Is it criminal?

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

NYC Susan — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 19:18:18 GMT

@Sooner wrote:
It's none of their business WHO complained. If they are that rude, she might say "I know that (whatever) has been an issue for a number of residents, so I can't give you a list although I know it is an issue."

@Sooner, that's very similar to what I told her. Don't say yes or no. Just say something like, " I know other residents have been bothered". And no further discussion. I'm pretty sure that's what I would do.

And yes, the woman in that family IS that rude. It's completely possible that she will confront whoever she thinks complained.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

Free2be — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 19:20:37 GMT

Since the offending neighbors are a "family", it is more difficult to keep everyone in line all of the time, depending on how many are in this family. Your friend complained once directly, she cannot do more than that without creating hostilities only management can create. How much hostility she is willing to endure and at what cost. She could try being friendlier with them, working the sugar angle to get her needs met. Or wait it out awhile, hope they calm down?

There was a news article today about a tenant who shot his apartment neighbors because they had been complaining about his behaviors. We really need to be careful who we are creating enemies with these days.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

AuntG — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 19:26:19 GMT

If it is something many people have observed, I don't think they would ask just your friend. If it is a problem that would only generate your friend's attention, they'll figure it out on their own. If it lies somewhere in between, I'd answer "could be anyone".

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

NYC Susan — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 19:26:34 GMT

@sunshine45 wrote:
management needs to say "we have had complaints" or "we have noticed this problem....." or "you are in violation of your lease because....."

if she is asked by her neighbors she should just do what she wants to do.
does she want to be honest? then tell them the truth.
does she fear recrimination in some way? then she can say she didnt or tell them to ask management.
she can also try to avoid them if she chooses.

since you all dont know the neighbors she is having the issues with then it really is just up to her.

Yes, I'm sure management won't say who complained. (And I would definitely not suggest that the neighbors ask them.)

We actually do know the neighbors. But either way, clearly it's up to our friend to do what she thinks best. She was just asking our opinions, and now I'm asking for opinions of the posters here. She will decide for herself what makes her most comfortable.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

Love my grandkids — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 19:27:21 GMT

@NYC Susan Just say "No" and leave it at that. Don't elaborate, don't speculate, nothing. The least said, the better.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

cherry — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 19:31:45 GMT

In circumstances like this, I would answer with a mental reservation. They are not entitled to private information, and she is not obliged to tell them...so if she is someone who is scrupulously honest, tell her that

Also tell her to formulate an answer and have it ready, if confronted

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

Nbo — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 19:40:27 GMT

I myself live in an apartment so if your friend has already spoken to this neighbor then I am sure her neighbor will have a good idea who made the complain. I know that when I have made a complaint against a neighbor I have been prepared for that person to ask me. I don't have a problem with that but I guess thats the NYC girl in me.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

NYC Susan — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 19:52:10 GMT

@sunshine45 wrote:
@happycat wrote:
This day in age, I'm not sure I would admit it.

then perhaps it is even not worth mentioning to the management?
she has already complained directly to the residents......they will pretty much know once management says something to them.

I don't want to provide specific details, but these issues are definitely worth mentioning. There's no question about that.

My friend and the neighbors only discussed one issue, and that was months ago. And she didn't confront them and complain - It came up in a conversation and they talked about a possible resolution. Nothing was said about the other issues because they weren't issues at the time. Everything has been friendly when they see each other. The neighbors may or may not have my friend pegged as a complainer, but others also might have complained directly to them - or to management about them. They can speculate all they want, but they won't actually know.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

Porcelain — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 19:58:03 GMT

@AuntG wrote:
If it is something many people have observed, I don't think they would ask just your friend. If it is a problem that would only generate your friend's attention, they'll figure it out on their own. If it lies somewhere in between, I'd answer "could be anyone".

I like this, @AuntG . "It could be several people. I don't know what to do about it. We should all just cooperate with management and their rules and let them sort it out it for us, right?"

That makes the offending neighbor part of the solution, and the management is the heavy.

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

NYC Susan — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 19:59:30 GMT

@JesssMe wrote:
What is the issue (s) with the neighbor? Is it criminal?

I'd rather not get into specific details. I don't think it matters for the purpose of my question, and it would take much too long to explain. Noise & habits that are disruptive to other residents is part of it, but there are also sanitation, safety, and other issues.

But no - not criminal. At least not that we know of! (It's actually doubtful - They just seem to be very entitled people who think they can do whatever they want.)

Re: Handling a neighbor issue

jellyBEAN — Sun, 13 Oct 2019 20:06:12 GMT

Yes, she should speak to management. If she chooses to remain silent and be upset about the behavior of the neighbors nothing will change. If the neighbors do confront her at some point she should have no comment, play dumb and turn the tables on them by asking them the questions!! The best defense is a great offense. Let management handle the situation(s). After all, all she is doing is speaking to management about the behavior of a neighbor. She doesn't have to think of it as complaining.

Interesting how it always turns out that the people who are courteous and thoughtful and try to live in peace are always having to deal with idiots for neighbors. It's a terrible trick the Universe plays on people.

I've had to say things to neighbors - usually noise related issues - and people take offense. Doesn't matter where you live either - apartment, single family house, condo - whatever - does it change their behavior? Sometimes - and sometimes not. Crummy situation to be in.