topic Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift in Community Chat

Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

beach-mom — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 03:09:59 GMT

I need help tonight if possible. DD and I disagree on this!

She has been in a lot of weddings and has two more coming up in late fall. This weekend she is invited to the wedding of a co-worker at her part time job (two Saturdays a month, she's been working there since high school). The bride is the owner's granddaughter.

DD did go to the co-ed shower, but did not attend the bachelorette party. This girl is younger, and they don't socialize outside of the work group. The couple has been living together four years.

DD wants to give them $100 in cash. She got them a gift for their shower from their registry, but there wasn't much left to choose from after that. I think that's too much. I told her I would give $50-75. I think $100 is OK when the bride or groom is a close friend. She tells me I don't get it. She says you have to "pay for your plate." I think that's ridiculous. You should give what you want.

This will be a fancy affair as her parents and grandparents are pretty well off and spared no expense. She is actually worried that $100 is not enough!

I could be out of the loop when it comes to things like this. For the weddings she's been in, and DH and I have attended, I have given either a nice gift from their registry or $100 from the two of us. But these are her close friends.

She has a bachelorette party coming up next month in Las Vegas that is going to cost $1000, without air fare. I don't know where these kids think they can get the money.

Am I really behind the times in my thinking about this? Maybe I am. I'm sorry to be so detailed, but I appreciate your help!

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

Anonymous032819 — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 03:23:19 GMT

Is it her money?

Is she buying the gift card?

If she is buying the gift card with her own money, then sorry Mom, you have no say.

She can choose to spend HER money however she see fits.

Now, if the money is coming from you, then you can set the limit.

Otherwise, no.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

alicedee — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 03:23:25 GMT

I tend to agree with you, @beach-mom . If I attend the wedding and reception, I give $50. If I don’t attend, I give $25 to a casual friend, $50 to a close friend or relative. I’m on a fixed income....that’s what I can afford.

But...if your daughter can afford $100 and wants to gift that amount...it’s her choice.

Gifting should always be within your means.

edited to say....I make an exception with my children and grandchildren. H.S. and college graduations and weddings I give $100.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

sunshine45 — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 03:23:51 GMT

i dont believe in the "pay your plate" cash gift. i do believe in paying what you can afford to give, but SHE has to decide what that affordable amount is.

i generally give $100 as a wedding gift for those i am friendly with. family and very close friends get more than that usually. it is pretty rare that i give less than that.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

september — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 03:26:17 GMT

I think your daughter is right. $100.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

Nuttmeg — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 03:31:33 GMT

I.would give what I could afford. I hope the bride will send out a thank you note or text, something.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

Goldengate8361 — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 03:35:12 GMT

How about no cash! Weddings are such a racket. There is NO way she should give $100 or even $50.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

GCR18 — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 03:44:52 GMT

$100 is too much IMO.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

kitcat51 — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 03:49:21 GMT

Your daughter is spot on...$100.00 is the perfect amount.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

shoekitty — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 03:55:51 GMT

I think 100 is generous and a nice gift. My daughters who are 52 think 50-75 is good depending. My granddaughters give 40-50 for a giftfor weddings the attend. My one grandaughter tends to be the bridesmaid at all weddings and they have mostly been out of state. In that case she thinks 40 is a lot. So it depends on your economics and relationship.

i have been at a lot of weddings, even those the bride mever wrote thank you notes. I have been there when they opened gifts and I think thy are genuinely thankful and appreciative of all gifts. Of course to those elaborate gifts there is a gasp of surprise, but thy are glad fori the gifts. Whether they like them or not. The return what they dont need and get something they need. Thats a good thing. I hae waste

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

esmerelda — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 04:10:47 GMT

I think if it’s her money she should give what she wants to give. But I would ask her...if this is what she thinks is appropriate for a part-time coworker, what would she consider appropriate for a lifelong friend?

I first heard of the “pay for the plate” idea here a few years ago and I’ve never heard of it elsewhere. I think that idea is a bunch of cr*p. Why do people think they have to buy into it?

eta..If she thinks she needs to give $100 for her plate, I wonder if she would give $200 if she was going with a plus one.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

SahmIam — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 04:15:49 GMT

@beach-mom I now have a child that is attending the weddings (and parties) of friends who are getting married. DH and I have this rule:

"If you are spending YOUR money, it's YOUR call. If you are spending OUR money, it's OUR call. Just remember, choosing to spend YOUR money does NOT mean you can then come to US to help YOU out financially."

That last sentence has caused him to take pause many a time when a wedding involved traveling, expensive parties and/or a lavish gift registry.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

Sooner — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 04:45:06 GMT

I think people ought to just stop going. I mean really, if you are expected to foot the bill for your night out, go somewhere you want to go.

Yes it is absurd now days and a racket! Especially the ones where working people are expected to forfeit their time and money for a vacation.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

speedy girl — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 04:56:15 GMT

I think 100 is to much for someone who is just a co worker and not a friend outside of work. Plus if your daughter only works part time, then I think 50 is fine. I agree with you.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

NYC Susan — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 05:01:39 GMT

The amount of money that people give can vary greatly depending on where they live. There are vast regional differences. $100 might sound like a lot in some areas, and pretty typical or not very much at all in others.

I have hosted several weddings and I have attended many (all over the country and all over the world), and the idea that guests have to "pay for their plate" is not anything I've ever heard of anyone expecting. There was a thread about this here a few years ago, and several posters insisted it was a NY-area thing. I can assure you it is not!

Bottom line for me is that people should give what they want to give, taking "usual amounts" into account or not. And of course no one should give more than they can comfortably afford. It's a personal decision, and I wouldn't tell my adult children how much to give unless they specifically asked for my input. Even then, the decision is theirs.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

stellabystarlight — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 05:18:35 GMT

My sister and her husband attended the wedding of my sister's best friend's son at a New York City venue. They gave the bride and groom $500 because they love the son and also to cover the cost of the meal. It is pretty much standard in New York and the metropolitan area of Connecticut and New Jersey. She also was invited to the bride's shower and gave her a lovely gift. Bottom line is: Give what you can afford. No one will turn you away and will appreciate your gift.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

NYC Susan — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 05:29:35 GMT

@stellabystarlight wrote:
My sister and her husband attended the wedding of my sister's best friend's son at a New York City venue. They gave the bride and groom $500 because they love the son and also to cover the cost of the meal. It is pretty much standard in New York and the metropolitan area of Connecticut and New Jersey. She also was invited to the bride's shower and gave her a lovely gift. Bottom line is: Give what you can afford. No one will turn you away and will appreciate your gift.

No it is not!

If a particular bride and groom had that expectation, that's one thing. But it absolutely is not prevalent or "standard" in the tri-state area.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

jackthebear — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 09:56:59 GMT

pay for your plate an old fashioned idea

should give what you can afford

I wouldn't expect a kid working a part-time job to giving that much of a gift to anyone,

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

panda1234 — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 10:18:12 GMT

@kitcat51 wrote:
Your daughter is spot on...$100.00 is the perfect amount.

@kitcat51 I agree. She has a history with this family going back to high school, $50 looks cheap. I understand what is being said about the bride and their relationship but this goes back to the grandparents. I have been to many weddings where I don't even know the couple but know the parents. I go against what I want to give and give what I should give.

Re: Another Question about How Much Cash for Wedding Gift

jerseygirl1948 — Sat, 14 Sep 2019 10:52:22 GMT

I think you will get different replies here. The people that are working and the people that are on fixed incomes will give different amounts.

First, I feel that you give what you can afford. As far as paying for the plate I also feel that guests should not have to pay for their dinners if the couple decide to go for a pricey dinner and the couple should not expect them to.

My grandniece is getting married next year and they decided to just go with an extended cocktail hour which I feel is smart since they are like dinners anyway.

I am single now and on a fixed incomne. So, I feel $50 for her is what I am going to give. I don't think people should feel like they have to give a higher amount than what they can afford. And if you decide not to go well then I would give less.