topic Re: Do You get along with in Community Chat

Do You get along with

halfpint1 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 16:21:03 GMT

a older child

an adult child? Last night over the phone we had an awful argument.. I have only one-a son-61. I wanted to help me with putting flea stuff on my cat and then it went into other things. He lives about 4 blocks away and not married. He resents doing things for me. Don't know how to talk to him anymore.

Re: Do You get along with

goldensrbest — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 16:23:19 GMT

It just breaks your heart,doesn't it?

Re: Do You get along with

mimomof4 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 16:30:08 GMT

I can speak from the child's side.

I'll admit that I know have a more difficult time communicating with my parents as an older child. I'm not a really social person and am very shy and quiet. Now that my parents have moved to another state - I just don't talk to them as much. Especially since I'm busy with my own children. Since travel is not easy I haven't even seen them in over a year and a half.

My MIL lives approximately 5 miles away from us. My husband often get frustrated when talking to her. I tell him repeatedly that he needs to be more patient with her. She is 79 and a widow as well for the past 10 years. I tend to be more patient when talking to her, maybe its because I'm a woman.

Re: Do You get along with

Still Raining — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 16:30:46 GMT

Sorry to hear this. Family can be hard to deal with at times. Hope you two can see your way through this spat.

Re: Do You get along with

Group 5 minus 1 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 16:32:29 GMT

Hope you can get help w/your cat.

Re: Do You get along with

chrystaltree — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 16:35:46 GMT

I can't comment since I don't anything about your relationship with him or what you argued about. It's possible that he feels that you are asking him to do too much for you just because he lives close by isn't married. Which doesn't mean he is free to come whenever you need him. Familes argue, he'll get over it. Perhaps it would help if you asked him to give you a regularly scheduled time to come and do things for you. My sister is disable and she would call my brother to do this or that or take her shopping or to the doctor. He was angry and frustrated because she seemed to think that he was free during the days just becaused he worked nights. She didn't realize he things of his own to do. Things calmed down when he told her he would come to house on Wednesday afternoons to do whatever small chores she needed and he agreed to take her grocery shopping, every other Saturday at 10am. No more anger and hurt feelings, no more arguments.

Re: Do You get along with

alicedee — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 16:46:23 GMT

What @chrystaltree said is very sensible. Just because your son lives nearby and is single, doesn’t mean he should be expected to be there whenever you have. something for him to do.

I think It’s a great idea to ask him if he can choose one time during the week to help you with things..,,then make a list throughout the week so you don’t forget something. My future son-in-law does that with his mother.

You have to remember...he’s not a young man anymore, either. He is over 60....he has his own work, home to care for, health issues, friends he wants to see, appointments. And when he gets home from work (I am guessing he still works?)....believe me, at his age I am sure he is exhausted.

Re: Do You get along with

traveler — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:57:51 GMT

My son’s are in their 30s. I find that space and not going over old complaints help a lot. I find I have some resentment when my 86yo mother has expectations of what I should do and how and old, old stories to induce guilt.

Re: Do You get along with

Travone — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 16:59:19 GMT

This is a difficult situation. I will respond from the viewpoint of an adult child, as my brother and I have this conversation often.

1) Do you call him at other times (not when he is as work), and not just when you need him to do something for you? My brother especially has this issue with our mother. She will never pick up the phone to see how he is, she will only initiate the communiction when she wants him to do something.

2) Do you ever just spend time together? If you still cook, do you invite him over for dinner? This may be a good beginning. Call him up and ask if he is free for dinner one day next week. Just spend the time catching up and chatting.

3) Does he do other things for you, like grass cutting etc. If so, perhaps you can look into a grass cutting service if you can afford it.

He is 61. He may be worried about his own health, finances and future. Talk about these things when you visit over dinner. Don't preach or give advice unless he asks for it. Just listen to him.

Good Luck to you. I hope both of you figure it out before it is too late

Re: Do You get along with

SilleeMee — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:12:24 GMT

I was married to a man who had a young daughter from a previous marriage. At the time, his daughter and I became very close...more like friends rather than steps. I was married to him for many years but then divorced. She took it hard and has never spoken to me since. I was heartbroken and it still hurts when I think about her.

Re: Do You get along with

Jasmine19 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:13:06 GMT

I think you have to ask yourself if you are abusing the relationship? I have an unmarried adult son who works full time. I am very careful about asking him to help me. I would rather call AAA than expect him to come over to jump start my car. I call a handyman to do things I can’t do myself. My ex husband on the other hand, calls our son constantly and demands he stop everything to help him with his computer, shovel the sidewalks, and fix little things that are not emergencies.

Our son is a terrific, loving guy but he wasn’t put on this earth to be at his parents beck and call. When he visits he always ask me if I need help with anything. Unfortunately he has started to dread calls from his father and that relationship has suffered.

Re: Do You get along with

mom2four0418 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:15:49 GMT

@halfpint1

I think that you get along most of the time, but have hit a small bump in the road. Maybe you can get together and be calm and honest with each other. Remember how much you love him-and always will.

Re: Do You get along with

Trinity11 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:25:13 GMT

I really believe that the best way to destroy a child/parent relationship is to become "needy." Our children aren't there for us to lean on. They have lives of their own. I was my mom's caretaker for most of her life because she was mentally ill. When my dad became ill, I was the one who moved to my childhood home to care for him until his death. I swore to myself that I would never put that kind of burden on either of my children...and after many health issues of my own I haven't. If it ever got to a point where I was "needy" I would check myself into an assisted living situation or some place where I didn't need to rely on my kids for rides, helping with my pets etc. I feel that strongly about it.

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ALRATIBA — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:36:02 GMT

I didn't have any kids, but we (four of us) all got along great with out parents as they (and we) got older. When they lived in NY ... they were just five minutes from my sister. She stopped by all the time. I'd go out and spend weekends with them.

When they got older, they moved to WV and lived a short distance from my brother. When he was out of town, I'd go down and stay with them.

We talked on the phone almost every day ... emailed all the time.

We always had lots of stuff to talk about ... shared the same interests and hobbies.

Re: Do You get along with

queendiva — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:42:55 GMT

@halfpint1 : I am truly sorry about this.

I am about the same age as your son. I moved close to my son and his wife last year.

I invite them over for dinner on a weekend night and ask them to come over maybe an hour earlier than we will be eating. I ask him along with the dinner invitation to please help me with X. Y and Z. I reciprocate by dog-sitting for them often and doing other helpful things they need done during the day while they are at work. I tell and try to show them both that they are appreciated and loved. I'm the mom; that's part of my job.

Do you only call your DS when you want/ need him to do something? Do you complain about things? Do you want him to stop what he is doing and attend to you or your cat now? Those would all create problems in your relationship. Also, we always show respect for each other. Yelling and or arguing over the phone or in person is off the table. Not an option in our relationship.

I have two sons. My children are blessings i my life, as i am sure your DS is to you.

Call tonight to apologize- whether you think you were wrong or not- and tell him that you love him. Bake him some cookies or cook a favorite of his.

Always better to be happy than right, but you already knew that. Wishing you all the best, and no more arguments! Life is too short.

Re: Do You get along with

halfpint1 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:48:09 GMT

He or I call everyday. I go for walks and usually tell him everyday when I go or come back.

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on the bay — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:50:13 GMT

I feel really strongly about not relying on my kids either but you sure do need a ton of money to get into an assisted living facility.

Re: Do You get along with

halfpint1 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:53:41 GMT

He is retired--3years. He takes my recycling once a month with me and loads and unload. I am close to stores and can still walk except there. There was a place by the mall but the store moved out and I asked him to take me.

Re: Do You get along with

mimomof4 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:56:43 GMT

@halfpint1 wrote:
He or I call everyday. I go for walks and usually tell him everyday when I go or come back.

Sounds like you two have a great relationship. Yes I imagine kids can be frustrating no matter what the age.

Re: Do You get along with

halfpint1 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 17:56:48 GMT

He brought up last week that it would be a good day and got mad when I asked if it was still on. He doesn't like to make definite days.