topic Re: Laugh Yourself Silly in Community Chat

Laugh Yourself Silly

pattypeep — Tue, 23 Jul 2019 20:27:44 GMT

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

Res A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said.. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying

that my head is not up there?'

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

Vivian — Tue, 23 Jul 2019 20:56:43 GMT

My husband is having a colonoscopy next week. We laughed so hard we were in tears.

Convulsively funny. I’ve read many Dave Barry pieces but...

gizmogal — Tue, 23 Jul 2019 20:58:16 GMT

Convulsively funny. I’ve read many Dave Barry pieces but this tops them all. I’m still laughing. Thanks for posting.

Fortunately, my doctor has let me use the Cologuard method for screening because I have no family history that would suggest a need for a colonoscopy. I’ll keep this laugh in mind if I have to face the prospect of anything “hands on” some day.

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

lovesallanimals — Tue, 23 Jul 2019 21:05:20 GMT

OMG - I love Dave Barry! I am in hysterics right now laughing so hard I am crying. This is priceless, thank you!

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

Miami Spices — Tue, 23 Jul 2019 21:15:52 GMT

Dave Barry is the reason I own a Kitchen Aid. Forty years ago, at the age of 22, I was making $7,000 a year as a first year teacher. I really, really wanted a Kitchen Aid. Dave Barry was an auctioneer for a charity in Miami. We were sitting near the front. The bidding got up to $100. I turned to my friends and told them that I could not bid any higher. Dave Barry heard me. He leaned over from the stage, and whispered, “Bid $10 more.” I did. He said, “Sold.” He did not give anyone else a chance. No one complained. When I went to thank him at the end of the evening, he told me he heard we were all teachers at my table. We were. That Kitchen Aid is still working. Thanks, Dave!

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

itsmagic — Tue, 23 Jul 2019 22:33:46 GMT

Several years ago I came across this and printed it out to share with friends. We all thought it was so funny! I put it away and forgot about it until a couple weeks ago I was cleaning out my desk and found my printed copy. It is just too good to throw away. 😁

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

Love my grandkids — Tue, 23 Jul 2019 22:47:45 GMT

Love Dave Barry. I spent my first 60 years in Torrance in So. Calif. For quite awhile our local paper, The Daily Breeze, carried his column. I always got a kick out of his humor.

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

lrmuffin — Tue, 23 Jul 2019 23:16:28 GMT

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. I’m actually scheduled for one next month, close to my twentieth, but I still get nervous.

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

San Antonio Gal — Tue, 23 Jul 2019 23:47:18 GMT

Enjoyed the post - very funny. I know I need to get one done. I've never had one before, but I'm past due.

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

on the bay — Wed, 24 Jul 2019 00:21:13 GMT

I love Dave Barry!

I have his "Dave Barry Turns 40"

(I think the colonoscopy one might be in there) and also "Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes".

This last one if you are moving, a must have! You will laugh til you cry

I used to bring his article on doing taxes with me to the tax person.

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

docsgirl — Wed, 24 Jul 2019 00:41:26 GMT

@San Antonio Gal wrote:
Enjoyed the post - very funny. I know I need to get one done. I've never had one before, but I'm past due.

@San Antonio Gal You can tell me it's none of my business but I will say it anyway because I care. First of all, I've had several colonoscopies and all have been fine. It's not that bad. Most importantly, when my son turned 50 two years ago, I begged him to get one. He finally did and they found 2 pre-cancerous polyps which they removed. He will go back in another year or so. Had he not gone, God only knows what could have happened. Please, please, please have yours done. You will, most likely, get a good report but even if there is something, they are catching it in the early stage. Please do not take offense. I'm saying this because I care. docsgirl

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

GenXmuse — Wed, 24 Jul 2019 04:17:29 GMT

Haha, that is pretty funny and accurate! Dave Barry is a hoot! Thanks for sharing.

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

Lindsays Grandma — Wed, 24 Jul 2019 04:50:44 GMT

Thank you so much for giving me my only laugh out loud for the day. I promised myself after my one and only colonoscopy that I would never have it done again until they come up with a better prep, I'm still waiting.

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

WildFlowerUnicorn — Wed, 24 Jul 2019 15:03:19 GMT

That is so funny! Had one of these a few years ago!

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

shoptilyadropagain — Wed, 24 Jul 2019 15:16:27 GMT

Hilarious!!! I had one done a few years ago and he's pretty much on the money about the whole experience.

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

LilacTree — Wed, 24 Jul 2019 15:16:36 GMT

I am in a bad mood this morning because I have a doctor appointment and other errands which my daughter will have to push me around in a wheelchair which we both hate.

However, I have had several colonoscopies, and this piece was hysterical! I laughed out loud several times which helped my mood. Thank you for posting!

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

Snoofy — Sun, 28 Jul 2019 09:28:45 GMT

HYSTERICAL! Thanks for posting @pattypeep !

Re: Laugh Yourself Silly

AuntG — Wed, 31 Jul 2019 01:05:00 GMT

Now I know how a Muppet feels!!!! Blasphemy.