topic Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.” in Community Chat

“I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

Kalli — Fri, 17 May 2019 22:51:03 GMT

My 91 yr old dad said this to me the other day. I really didn’t know quite how to reply. He’s lonely, misses Mom, but he’s still active, we pick him up at the NH and take him places like the park, restaurants, the old farmhouse. I understand after 68 yrs of marriage his life is different now. They did everything together.

I told him God must still have stuff for him to do here. I remember having to answer difficult questions from my children but never thought I’d have to do it for one of my parents.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

froggy — Fri, 17 May 2019 22:57:17 GMT

This is a very difficult issue. My Mom is 92 and in a nursing home. She is completely physically disabled, yet mentally still all there. I don't live near but have two sisters near her who visit frequently and take her to their homes for special occasions. She can do nothing for herself but does have TV, books and iPad. It seems she is just waiting to die. I don't want to end up like that.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

Nonametoday — Fri, 17 May 2019 22:58:20 GMT

Please ensure him that you are happy he is here, that God wants him here to make others happy and that you enjoy every minute with him and you would like him to tell you more about his family, his siblings, his mother. Make him feel important.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

chrystaltree — Fri, 17 May 2019 23:00:56 GMT

I suppose I would tell him the truth. You are still here because you are loved and we need you.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

homedecor1 — Fri, 17 May 2019 23:07:15 GMT

@Kalli

Sad isn't it. I have a very dear older friend and she says the same (she's 87).

Not only is she widowed for 21 years most of her friends are gone or dying. She is the only one left in her family (SIL, BIL, cousins, etc)

Her children have their lives in other states. They come home to visit a few days once a year☹️ & never during holidays. She is able to live alone, she only drives short distances (which she shouldn't 🙄) but she says if she didn't drive her life would be lonelier. In fact, I go home a lot and make sure I spend a few days with her. We both enjoy the company.

I guess when one gets older it's harder. You are a good daughter to be there for him🙂.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

blackhole99 — Fri, 17 May 2019 23:08:30 GMT

My parents died young, but I have an elderly aunt who will be 85 in a few weeks and an uncle who is 90. They are with it and in fairly good health and active, but certainly not like they were even 5 years ago. I don't live close to them, but I do keep in touch. They both are quite religious so they would never ask why are they still living, but they do say they are ready to go any time.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

x Hedge — Fri, 17 May 2019 23:22:43 GMT

You gave him the right answer, @Kalli .

Because he's not done yet.

Sometimes people who seem to have no contribution are in fact some of our best teachers and inspirations.

Perhaps he is unaware people we don't even know can be strongly influenced by how and who we are.

Who knows?

Maybe two years from now you may repeat some bit of wisdom or insight you picked up from him, and it may have a profound effect on the life of the person you're speaking to.

I worked for many years with patients. Institutionalized.

Some were in a persistent vegetative state with little cognitive development. You might also ask why are they here? It was clear to me they were the teachers, and if we're wise and humble we could learn much from them.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

Annabellethecat66 — Fri, 17 May 2019 23:25:52 GMT

@Kalli I think what you said to your Dad is exactly what I would have said.

It's what I felt when my husband died. We were married 38 years when he died suddenly.

You sound like a wonderful daughter. We are lucky to have someone like yourself here with us. Fondly, Annabelle/Linda

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

Maestra1 — Fri, 17 May 2019 23:26:48 GMT

@Kalli wrote:
My 91 yr old dad said this to me the other day. I really didn’t know quite how to reply. He’s lonely, misses Mom, but he’s still active, we pick him up at the NH and take him places like the park, restaurants, the old farmhouse. I understand after 68 yrs of marriage his life is different now. They did everything together.

I told him God must still have stuff for him to do here. I remember having to answer difficult questions from my children but never thought I’d have to do it for one of my parents.

My DM who is 97 and cognisant said this as well; all her friends have passed away and we are moving her to be closer to me.

I told her God has something very important for her to still complete and to stay open to all possibities.

You never know when you might entertain angels unaware.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

CJC — Fri, 17 May 2019 23:26:40 GMT

@Nonametoday wrote:
Please ensure him that you are happy he is here, that God wants him here to make others happy and that you enjoy every minute with him and you would like him to tell you more about his family, his siblings, his mother. Make him feel important.

What excellent advice! Do you work with the elderly?

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

CrazyKittyLvr2 — Fri, 17 May 2019 23:31:58 GMT

DH had an uncle that lived to 101 and his wife lived to just shy of 105. His aunt told his brother, "sometimes you can live too long."

They lived in an assisted living complex. His uncle was active, his mind was sharp and he didn't look 101. He missed a step walking outside and hit his head when he fell and died as a result. He was mowing lawns in his 90s prior to the assisted living place.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

Sadiesadie — Fri, 17 May 2019 23:38:35 GMT

My former MIL passed about 2 years ago at 94. Her mind was sharp and she had lots of friends in her independent living facility.

I'd call her a social butterfly.

I was married to her son, an only child, for only 2 1/2 yrs when he died. Our baby died shortly after bitrth 4 months befor him.

Her husband had Alzheimer’s and had passed 12 years before.

They had grown up together and rarely far apart from each other.

She would tell me she didn’t know why she was still here and was ready to go.

Her nephew and his wife who lived close by and did so much for her would try to talk her out of talking that way.

When she and I would talk and she’d say those things to me I would just say I understood and she seemed to appreciate that.

She got pancreatic cancer and went pretty quickly and didn’t appear to suffer too much.

At the end we would talk about her son a lot and I told her I was happy that she would finally see and be with them all again. That’s all she wanted for so long.

Sometimes I think trying to reason them out of feeling that way is a bit disrespectful. I think she just wanted her feelings validated.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

alicedee — Fri, 17 May 2019 23:45:41 GMT

@x Hedge I just wanted to say that your post touched me very much. ❤️

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

september — Sat, 18 May 2019 00:23:04 GMT

If we are lucky enough to still have our parents with us when they’re in their 80’s/90’s, it seems we do become the parents and they need us more and more.

@Kalli I’m in the same situation as you, but it’s my mom who is the survivor. My dad passed away in February, and she’s quite lost without him.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

panda1234 — Sat, 18 May 2019 01:37:23 GMT

@homedecor1 wrote:

@Kalli

Sad isn't it. I have a very dear older friend and she says the same (she's 87).

Not only is she widowed for 21 years most of her friends are gone or dying. She is the only one left in her family (SIL, BIL, cousins, etc)

Her children have their lives in other states. They come home to visit a few days once a year☹️ & never during holidays. She is able to live alone, she only drives short distances (which she shouldn't 🙄) but she says if she didn't drive her life would be lonelier. In fact, I go home a lot and make sure I spend a few days with her. We both enjoy the company.

I guess when one gets older it's harder. You are a good daughter to be there for him🙂.

@homedecor1 I do not want to be the last one left. So sad when your peer group is gone.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

roeroe1005 — Sat, 18 May 2019 01:54:37 GMT

kalli,

I hope you don't mind my commenting on this subject.

I've often made "jokes" about my 97 year old dad who felt he could still drive and would not give up his car keys.

At 8p on May 4, dad died. He had fallen at home that Tuesday - I had left him in his chair with his drinks while I ran to do some food shopping. My sister stopped by after work and dad was on the floor. We learned he had pneumonia. 10 days prior, his doctor told him he could live to be 100. My younger nephew lived with him and I lived upstairs in one of our 2 family homes. Dad used to say he wanted to live "forever". Yes, that's nice when you are 40, at 97 with health issues - not really.

Dad was tired too. Mom died 10 years earlier. Only 2 of our aunts survive, both on mom's side. One is 94 w/dementia. Aunt M is 92 and fairly good. Everyone else gone.

In the time between April 13 and May 4, 3 members of our family died. Our cousin, 76, in his sleep. I almost didn't want to tell dad, I knew how much it would hurt him. Two days later, his last surviving sibling, Dad's sister, died in Italy. And then dad.

In the past few months, dad would say he was ready to go, he was tired. About 2 weeks before he died, Dad told me he was afraid to die. I said "what are you afraid of? You will be healthy again and with everyone sitting around the table playing poker and drinking expresso."

The night before we brought dad to the ER, mom came to his room to say "good bye". I slept with a baby monitor hooked up to his room and he asked if I heard her. I said uh, no ... She also had been ringing the doorbell alot lately and he wouldn't open the door. (A whole other subject.)

When dad was in the hospital, before hospice came in, he asked me several times who was "the little Italian boy". He would point to where this boy was standing. I think it was his little brother who died quite young. I knew dad wouldn't be here much longer.

I really understand what your dad is dealing with. And I know just what you are going thru as his caregiver.

Your dad and you are in my prayers.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

september — Sat, 18 May 2019 02:22:14 GMT

@roeroe1005 I don’t mind you commenting. My dad also talked about being tired. He had worked so hard, all through his life. I think his mind wanted to go on...for my mom and his children, but he had no physical energy left.

It’s still a bit raw for me now...just want to be there for my mom. She needs all the support we can give her.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

lovesrecess — Sat, 18 May 2019 02:31:15 GMT

What a blessing to have both of your parents still with you! They are both here because God is not finished with them yet; am sure their eyes light up when they see each other....such a sweet scenario. I experienced something similar a few years ago when my DM was in a nursing home.....I was the only one to care for her...I will pray for you and your dear parents.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

sandy53 — Sat, 18 May 2019 02:38:44 GMT

I remember my mother saying, "I wish I could just slip away." It was heartbreaking at the time. She just didn't feel "right" and died a few days later of an aneurysm. My suggestion is to just be a good listener, don't dismiss it, but just let him know he is loved. There really don't need to be answers to those kinds of questions.

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

PamfromCT — Sat, 18 May 2019 02:50:18 GMT

@roeroe1005, My sincere sympathy for the loss of your father. No matter how old he was, he was your Dad, and you will miss him.

My best wishes to you,

Pam