topic Re: What would you do? in Community Chat

What would you do?

LilacTree — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 14:56:06 GMT

I talk to an old friend every single day on the phone. She uses a cell phone and always puts it on speaker. Then she walks around the room and does odds and ends while she’s talking to me. Add to that I have some hearing loss which she knows about.

I have to keep saying “what?, what?” constantly. I have asked her dozens of times to please speak into the phone and she does it for one minute and she’s off again. She says she can’t help it, she just has to move around and do things, whether she’s on the phone or not. We are on the phone a long time each time we talk.

I am on the verge of telling her I just can’t handle it anymore, but don’t want to offend her. I have suggested we text, but she’s poor at that as well and doesn’t like to do it.

I know this is not a big thing, but I’m beginning to dread her calls. What to do?

Re: What would you do?

Desertdi — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:02:26 GMT

@LilacTree I am having the EXACT same challenge with someone. It's frustrating for me........and I hate to admit this, but sometimes I don't answer when I see the caller ID number............di

Re: What would you do?

sidsmom — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:03:37 GMT

Can we suggest meeting over coffee or dinner instead of calls?

Re: What would you do?

software — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:07:28 GMT

@LilacTree wrote:
I talk to an old friend every single day on the phone. She uses a cell phone and always puts it on speaker. Then she walks around the room and does odds and ends while she’s talking to me. Add to that I have some hearing loss which she knows about.

I have to keep saying “what?, what?” constantly. I have asked her dozens of times to please speak into the phone and she does it for one minute and she’s off again. She says she can’t help it, she just has to move around and do things, whether she’s on the phone or not. We are on the phone a long time each time we talk.

I am on the verge of telling her I just can’t handle it anymore, but don’t want to offend her. I have suggested we text, but she’s poor at that as well and doesn’t like to do it.

I know this is not a big thing, but I’m beginning to dread her calls. What to do?

I understand your frustration

Politely end the call when you've had enough, "I hear you are busy, bye"

You could try to gently ask her to sit & chat, see how that goes over.

It's kinda rude, IMO, but is it worth losing the friend?

Re: What would you do?

ahoymate — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:07:58 GMT

People who don't give you their full attention by multi-tasking on the phone, to me, aren't worth spending hours on the phone with. Make it short & do as sidsmom suggests, meet face to face and have a conversation.

Re: What would you do?

LilacTree — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:08:08 GMT

@sidsmom wrote:
Can we suggest meeting over coffee or dinner instead of calls?

@sidsmom

She lives in NC and I live in NJ.

Re: What would you do?

qbetzforreal — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:10:09 GMT

Keep the calls short.

Re: What would you do?

esmerelda — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:11:17 GMT

Tell her she has to get a Bluetooth earpiece or a headset or she’ll have to sit while she talks to you.

Re: What would you do?

RetRN — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:14:00 GMT

I wish I had an easy solution, but I don't. You have to decide if the friendship is worth it or not. As we get older I believe the friendships we have are more valuable than ever, so would propably try to continue.

Re: What would you do?

Desertdi — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:15:41 GMT

@LilacTree I guess I should add.........when this person calls me on the speaker phone, the TV is on in the background, the dog is barking......and the significant other is also talking at the same time. I HAVE mentioned this to my caller........and the reply has been, "There must be something wrong with YOUR phone".......or "We must have a bad connection." NO, it's not MY phone............... Lunch or coffee is out of the question......we live several thousand miles away.

I simply can't hear with all the noise, water running, pots clanging, etc.

Re: What would you do?

Sadiesadie — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:15:44 GMT

@LilacTree : I am so sorry about this. What if instead of saying “what” all the time you stay silent? If she asks why you haven’t said anything or commented just tell her you couldn’t hear her.

Possibly if she is sensitive and caring at all she may realize when she hears silence.

Other than not answering I can’t imagine how you could change it. You’ve told her many times you can’t hear her but she seems oblivious.

My husband is very hard of hearing even with a cochlear and hearing aid in other ear. I tend to forget and even tho my voice is loud I’ll forget and not be close to him when I say something. If I happen to be looking at him he’ll point to his ear so I get closer and repeat. If he doesn’t respond I know he didn’t hear me.

He hates saying what all the time so will stay quiet. That’s my clue

Re: What would you do?

CelticCrafter — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:16:21 GMT

Is it a cordless? If it is, why can't she multi-task without putting it on speaker.

Re: What would you do?

jeanlake — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:17:36 GMT

It sounds like you want to keep that personal connection. As we've heard a lot recently, we train others how to treat us and we manage every person who flows in and out of our lives. I like the answers you've been given -- Get blue tooth or sit while she chats with you and keep calls brief.

Re: What would you do?

cherry — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:18:06 GMT

I'd keep it short and sweet. I would just keep saying sorry, I can't hear you, like a broken record..then say ,I guess I'm just not that interesting ,anymore ,goodbye

Re: What would you do?

Cakers3 — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:18:28 GMT

@LilacTree Kindly suggest she get a device to hold her phone hands free with a bluetooth device for her ear.

Actually I find it rude to do other things while talking but I understand some folks need to multi-task. I wouldn't take it too personally but I understand your frustration.

Only you can decide how much you want to continue daily calls; if you have expressed your concerns and she cannot adapt, maybe less calls and shorter times.

Re: What would you do?

MarieIG — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:23:54 GMT

@qbetzforreal wrote:
Keep the calls short.

You don't have to terminate the relationship.

I've had the same problem; and when it gets bad, politely end the call.

Sorry (her name), I can't hear you now, I'll give you a (or) give me a call tomorrow when you have time to talk.

Re: What would you do?

sidsmom — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:20:47 GMT

@LilacTree wrote:
@sidsmom wrote:
Can we suggest meeting over coffee or dinner instead of calls?
@sidsmom
She lives in NC and I live in NJ.

Shoot.

Sounds like you have done full due diligence by

- presented the issue (reminding of hearing loss)

- offered to not use speaker (not being done) and

- offered to text (not being done)

...all met with resistance.

We all have known someone who is a exactly like this or

a variation of it...where they call & talk AT you...maybe a

one-sided conversation?

Re: What would you do?

Sadiesadie — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:20:52 GMT

@Desertdi : I volunteer for a non profit that deals with the elderly (I’m 74🤔 if it matters). Oh boy trying to communicate on the phone with that tv blaring and all that background noice is sure frustrating especially if they don’t hear well

Re: What would you do?

LilacTree — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:22:31 GMT

@software

No, it’s not worth losing a friend, especially since we were estranged for a couple of years and several months ago she sent me a friend request on FB and we have both been so glad to be reunited. She is the lifelong friend (70+ years) I have mentioned before. She had an almost lethal stroke in August 2017, but seems to have fully recuperated since then. So it’s complicated, as they say. This constantly having to move around could be related to that.

Re: What would you do?

Stevie Nix — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 15:27:03 GMT

Are you calling her or is she calling you? If you're calling her just say "I can hear your busy, call me back when you have free time." In fact, say the same thing if she's calling you.