topic Re: Sibling Squabble in Community Chat

Sibling Squabble

jellyBEAN — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 02:49:43 GMT

I had a terrible spat w/my brother (or at least he did with me) this morning and I'm upset and would like to hear any opinions as I feel very sad.

I have lived in a resort community near the coast for the past 2 years. My older brother has come to visit about a dozen times in these 2 years and stays in my guest bedroom. A few times I have invited him down, other times he invites himself and because he is the only family I have left (no children, parents or other siblings) I feel put on the spot.

We were never close growing up so I don't really get the frequent visits. It is a nice cheap vacation for him though. And that's what we had our tiff about. I didn't get to say my peace, but I feel he doesn't reciprocate while he's here. If he stays for free for 5-6 days I may get one lunch out of him - I only drink water and have a salad - I'm a cheap date - and I go out of my way to plan activities, stock up on beer, snacks and foods for him, have a nice clean, bright sunny room, etc...We went for a long drive yesterday (I drove my vehicle) 3-3.5 hrs. each way = 7 hrs. of me driving and he didn't want any lunch and he didn't even contribute any $ toward gas (cost me about $50). And by the time we arrived back at my home I certainly wasn't up for cooking dinner. So I was EXTREMELY irritated and he knew it.

I told him this morning I wanted to have a talk with him, but he just lit into me telling me how miserable I was and how he couldn't take it anymore and he stormed out of my house and left. I'm upset about it as the weather isn't great out and he won't respond to a text to see if he made it to his destination OK. What do y'all think about that?

Re: Sibling Squabble

jannabelle1 — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 03:13:29 GMT

I think you're a very kind and generous person, but it seems your brother is taking advantage of your hospitality. You've done your best to make him welcome - buying food, booze, snacks, etc. If he "can't take it anymore" , then it's time for him to find another vacation refuge. I'd tell him enough is enough. You don't run a B&B, nor are you a tour guide. Don't let him saddle you with guilt. Next time he wants to "visit", I'd tell him you won't be home, and I'd continue to tell him that until he stops taking advantage of you. Take care of yourself and don't worry about him - he knows what he's doing.

Re: Sibling Squabble

nikkisaunt1 — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 03:10:36 GMT

It sounds like this squabble was building up for some time. Trying to see both sides of it, it appears that you have been resentful of your brother’s seeming lack of appreciation for your hospitality for the past two years. This is certainly understandable, as you have felt he was using you for a free vacation spot.

You dont say though if you if you a much better financial position than your brother. He could have been thinking that you did not need the dinner on him, (and I am not saying he shouldn’t have perhaps treated you - only maybe what he may have been thinking.)

it it is very possible too that because you have not openly discussed this in over two years he thought things were fine and then today, when you finally had enough, you may have been in a bad mood, and he really had no clue why.

In in any event, the only way to solve this is by communicating with him.. However, try to just make it about ground rules for a next visit rather than accusations that may make him defensive, in the hope that both of you can perhaps be happier.

I wishyou luck with this and hope he will listen and meet you at least half way on everything.

Re: Sibling Squabble

Carol Diane — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 03:16:49 GMT

Two words....spoiled brat

Re: Sibling Squabble

Its Me LuLuBelle2 — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 03:29:57 GMT

@jellyBEAN, I think you and I have the same brother by a different mother. My younger brother sounds exactly like yours. I'm done, peace out. My brother has stayed with us several times in the past and has totally taken advantage of my and my husband's generosity and good will. He's a slob, a taker and contributes zero, zip and zilch when he visits. He argues over our differing political views and insults us in our own home.

Our dad died young and our mom died 6 years ago. Her substantial will was left to him and my daughter (3 sibs cut out). I didn't hear from my brother for several years after our mom's death - not until he blew through his inheritance. Now he wants to know me again. DH and I own 2 homes - free and clear, due to hard work, good investments and living within our means. My brother now wants to live in our NY home when we're in Florida, and our Florida home when we're in NY. Nope, not happening.

Family either respects one another, doesn't take advantage or behaves as if we "owe" them something. I owe none of my sibs a thing, as they don't owe me. But my younger brother doesn't see it that way. He thinks we all owe him something. Nope.

Don't feel bad, stand firm, stay strong. It's not all about him. Peace, LuLu

Re: Sibling Squabble

stevieb — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 03:30:59 GMT

@jellyBEAN I'm sorry for your upset and it does all seem a bit one sided, but unlike others, I'm not going to be judge and jury... I know only what you've told us and I'm afraid I don't know enough about you, your brother or your relationship to make any kind of assessment of him, of you or of what you might do to address your concerns. It is unfortunate that he didn't show you the courtesy of letting you know he arrived safely at wherever he was going. I hope things even out and that the two of you might talk calmly about your differences.

Re: Sibling Squabble

Kachina624 — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 03:38:20 GMT

He doesn't like that you've called him out on his miserly ways. You've attempted to communicate with him so the ball is now in his court. I'd let him stew until he decides to communicate with you. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. If you relent, he will go back to mooching off if you. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life that way, be a little hard to get. He owes you an apology so there's no reason for you to be upset.

Re: Sibling Squabble

NYC Susan — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 03:46:52 GMT

@nikkisaunt1 wrote:
It sounds like this squabble was building up for some time. Trying to see both sides of it, it appears that you have been resentful of your brother’s seeming lack of appreciation for your hospitality for the past two years. This is certainly understandable, as you have felt he was using you for a free vacation spot.

You dont say though if you if you a much better financial position than your brother. He could have been thinking that you did not need the dinner on him, (and I am not saying he shouldn’t have perhaps treated you - only maybe what he may have been thinking.)

it it is very possible too that because you have not openly discussed this in over two years he thought things were fine and then today, when you finally had enough, you may have been in a bad mood, and he really had no clue why.

In in any event, the only way to solve this is by communicating with him.. However, try to just make it about ground rules for a next visit rather than accusations that may make him defensive, in the hope that both of you can perhaps be happier.

I wishyou luck with this and hope he will listen and meet you at least half way on everything.

I agree with all of this.

I would definitely start with a conversation - but at a time when neither of you are feeling angry. If you haven't shared your feelings before, then he's not totally at fault for taking advantage. (Yes, he may be somewhat tone-deaf and yes, he certainly should have been offering all along to take you to lunch and to share expenses. Some people need nudging.) Perhaps he's going thru some personal issues and he'll share those with you. But in any case, having an open and honest discussion should be the first step.

Maybe it's as simple as clearing the air re expectations. I wouldn't assume he's an ungrateful user unless you share your feelings in a calm, non-confrontational conversation and nothing changes.

It sounds as though you've been a very good host, going above and beyond. Maybe you shouldn't make things so comfortable for him. Give him a place to stay, but don't stock up on beer, snacks, and food specifically for him, and don't go out of your way to plan activities. This is your home, this is where you live your life, and if he wants to visit so often, then he has to fit into that. He can get his own beer and snacks, and he can plan his own activities. Your life shouldn't come to a complete halt just because he's visiting.

Hopefully you'll be able to come to some kind of understanding with him. I know you said you weren't close growing up, but maybe you can become close now.

Re: Sibling Squabble

Drythe — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 23:18:33 GMT

Some people have super radar about when they have over played their act. They turn quickly, create a distraction and run.

That way they get what they want, don’t have to hear anything they don’t like, and get to toss around some shade too.

They wait a while, then guilt you into asking them back ~ then, guess what? They do it all over again. Brother or not, that IS who they are, and what they do.

Sorry to say, I know a few & keep them far, far away.

On the other hand, I’m not related to them.

Re: Sibling Squabble

NicksmomESQ — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 03:50:04 GMT

You don’t owe your brother anything.Your home your rules!! He shouldn’t be allowed to just invite himself over. He should wait for an invitation or politely ask.You have every right to say no.

When he does come he needs to be a grateful guest. Taking you out to a nice dinner once a week, buying groceries, cleaning up after himself etc. You are not his mother or his maid, period.You shouldn’t cater to him.

I’m a firm believer in that you need to teach people how to treat you.If you let your brother push you around he will. He owes you an apology.

When you hear from him you have to explain to him how you feel.Do not let him steam roll over you.Stick to your guns.If he’s worth anything he’ll respect you for speaking up. If he doesn’t then he’s not worth anymore of your time.

Re: Sibling Squabble

Brisky — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 03:53:35 GMT

I would let him cool off and let him make the first move. He was at your home and stormed out. What?
Brother grow up.

Re: Sibling Squabble

jellyBEAN — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 03:57:44 GMT

Thank you for your responses. Yes, my feelings of resentment have been brewing for a year or more, and I know what I wrote just gives my side of the pancake so to speak, but I wasn't able to talk to him to let him know I felt hurt by his actions, or lack thereof, before he stormed out.

No, I'm not better off financially, but I never married or divorced or had children so my $ was my own to save or spend, I never had to support anyone else. He did finally send me a text telling me he arrived at his destination. I was worried cause there was so much bad weather reported with tornadoes and wind n rain in the South.

I'd had another brother but he was killed at the age of 21, around the New Year in 1978, in a car crash, and he and I were much closer in age and knew each other better than my older brother who is the one I wrote about. I guess after all these years I still worry (like my Mom and Dad did) about stuff like that.

Re: Sibling Squabble

kitcat51 — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 04:11:29 GMT

Oh my, you didn't treat him in the style he's come to expect...who's responsible for that? You should've spoken up long ago because some people are so dense they don't think or simply don't care what their "fun" visits cost their host... house me, feed me, entertain me & thank me for coming. I hope you work it out if you want to & I also hope you make it clear the free ride is over because you deserve better. Take care @jellyBEAN

Re: Sibling Squabble

Katcat1 — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 04:03:14 GMT

@jellyBEAN I think he is a free loader. You are buying food, beer and he is not paying rent nor taking you out to dinner. One thing I have learned in life. You can pick your friends but you are stuck with family until you make a change. He did not want any confrontation with you because he does not want to hear the truth and the next time he thinks he can free load tell him to get a motel. You don't need family like that. I finally had to let go of some of my siblings and good riddens. I am much happier. I should have done it much sooner but now I have peace of mind. I have friends that treat me much better than some family members did. I can't believe he never offered to drive the car nor take you to lunch.

Re: Sibling Squabble

Brisky — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 04:07:25 GMT

Brother and sisters do fight. But we grow up and go separate ways.If he is staying with you, he has to respect you. Family can drive you crazy sometimes!

Re: Sibling Squabble

Catty2 — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 04:21:25 GMT

You are in the right to feel the way you do. I can't imagine he never thought to treat you to a few meals or give you money for gas. Give it a little time but I hope he will make the first move. Hoping that things will work out for you.

Re: Sibling Squabble

Lindsays Grandma — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 04:36:12 GMT

@Drythe

@Brisky

jellyBEAN...I read the comments of the poster's mentioned above and agree with them 100%. Your brother needs to show respect, whether it is your home or someone else's, you don't arrive empty handed and you clean up after yourself, pay for some of the food and drinks, take your host or hostess out for lunch and dinner, chip in for gas when taken for a long ride and share in the driving. Please do not allow your brother to disrespect you again, you deserve better. He owes you an apology for his past and present behavior and until you set him straight he will take advantage of you whenever he can. Good luck.

Re: Sibling Squabble

homedecor1 — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 15:10:28 GMT

I forgot to add to my post: These things I expect are for both family and friends ... but, in "jest" I always tell them when they arrive:

Once 1 roll of toilet paper is DONE ...so is the visit!!! I allow 2 if 2 guests!!!

Amazing how quickly a roll of toilet paper is done! hahaha

(not really some of my family/friends stay weeks BUT I hardly see them!)

Sorry @jellyBEAN I have no advice except perhaps he's just used to being welcomed & treated great at your B&B!

It certainly sounds like you welcomed him and seems he's been enjoying it. You have not asked him (or did I miss this) to provide anything (food, gas, etc) except for him to enjoy the amenities & his vacation!

When I moved here someone always wanted to come visit here for their vacation. I love company and want them to realize I live at this B&B🙂 I learned along the way what worked best for no problems. I have lots of friends & family come to stay. Just had company for 7 weeks. I enjoy having them and these are a few guidelines so there are no problems:

I don't buy food for them as they know what they like and if they like certain things I prefer they buy it. I started having the fridge full prior to their arrival and started noticing some things were never eaten & waste of $$. Of course, I have the necessities eggs, milk, coffee
If I make dinner I let them know the time we will eat. If they won't be here just let me know & I won't include them.
Liquor, beer, certain soda/drinks -- buy your own. I never have these items we drink water, mostly.
Feel free to use my car but make sure gas in it
If they invite us to dinner we decide beforehand whose paying or separate checks.
and most important -- I live here and don't want to go to "disney, universal, sea world, etc" been there, done that and not a expense I want. They can go and have great time!
House Rules: you cook it you clean up, you wear it you wash it, bathroom towels to be hung up to dry --not bathroom floor, etc. Please treat my home with the respect you would treat your house.

I never feel it's rude to let them know the above because this is my home & I expect them to be respectful just like I would be at theirs. I've never had anyone get mad because I let them know what I expect.

I hope you can resolve this issue but it seems it's been "bothering" you more than him☹️ he's fine he's on vacation😉

Re: Sibling Squabble

Silver Lining — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 05:23:59 GMT

@jellyBEAN, he told you off and stormed out of your house before you could respond. You texted him to see if he got home okay in the bad weather. He should at least send you an answer. I wouldn't text again. The last laugh will be on him if he doesn't apologize since his behavior might have closed the door to future free vacations at your house. He apparently takes you for granted and pitched a fit when you said you wanted to talk. It's up to him to contact you. If and when he does I would take the opportunity to clear the air.

Re: Sibling Squabble

pugvette74 — Mon, 04 Mar 2019 05:46:43 GMT

@jellyBEAN It's sad that your brother left your home upset... and now you are upset and worried if he got home safely.Sometimes it's not what we say, but the energy we put out there. He felt your energy that you were upset with him.

When we are holding in resentment, it is best to wait and speak from your heart.

I pray you and your brother will be able to talk soon, without anger or anything negative and from the heart.