topic Re: Family, are you kept in the loop in Community Chat

Family, are you kept in the loop

CrazyKittyLvr2 — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 14:52:09 GMT

I don't mean every little thing but major life events. It's just my sister and I in our immediate family so yes we do keep each other informed.

On DH's side, his sister's family, we usually don't know squat. Last year we got a call out of the blue from one of his brothers asking if we heard his sister's son-in-law died. we had no idea. Seems he had been sick for awhile and no one knew. Now, I understand they deserve their privacy but it's a heck of a shock out of nowhere. We weren't the only ones uninformed. He was 51. We never knew another her other daughter got divorced two years after the wedding we attended. Now when it comes to showers, weddings and graduations amazingly everyone is included in the news.

In full disclosure, before Mom died I had a couple of uterine biopsies. Didn't tell Mom because she worried about everything. No point in upsetting her unless there was a problem.Sister and I agreed on this. I was fine so I'm glad I never told her.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

deepwaterdotter — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:01:54 GMT

My family members inform me of events that they want me to know. This works for our family.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

NicksmomESQ — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:06:23 GMT

@CrazyKittyLvr2 DH & I gave up on family a long time ago. It seems like we are always the last to know everything.Except of course when they want to invite us to an occasion that requires a gift.

A while ago we got an invitation to a wedding.We were confused as the groom was already married.We attended his wedding 10 years ago!! It turns out he got divorced years before & nobody told us!! We didn’t go!!

We now focus on dear friends who treat us like family.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

pommom — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:03:17 GMT

@CrazyKittyLvr2

If it's any consolation, you are not alone. I've had similar experiences with family. Even though I've been left out of the loop so many times, one would think I'd have tougher skin. That is not the case and it still hurts. Don't know why I've been excluded from major family milestones. My DS tells me after-the-fact of these celebrations.

I decided I was going to focus on my wonderful circle of friends who embrace me like family. It's been a wonderful experience to be at baby/wedding showers, weddings, anniversary celebrations and blessings of children. They feel more like family than my own biological family members. It has made all the difference. I no longer wait for an invitation. And, quite frankly, don't give it a second thought.

If I stop and ponder on this, it does still bother me. I have chosen to focus on my friends.

Family dynamics are difficult to understand.

Know that you are loved and are a valued member of your extended family - they must not show it.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

ALRATIBA — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:17:00 GMT

Yes .... but we all have rather quiet lives ... not much is going on.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

Cakers3 — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:17:26 GMT

All it takes is a phone call once in a while to say "Hello-how are things going for you?".

Staying in touch is a good way to keep communication open. I suspect when people are the "last to know" they are also lax in their own reaching out and letting others know what is going on with them.

When a death has not been shared, there are underlying reasons why. It goes both ways. Either the parties involved are not on the best of terms or the ones who had information are not viewing others as really caring about them.

Send a card/flowers/whatever with SINCERE condolences and leave out the "we weren't told" speech. The sorrow of those who lost the loved one is all that matters, not any sniff about not being told in a timely matter.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

Mom2Dogs — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:23:10 GMT

@pommom .....your situation sounds like mine. Not much family to speak of, we are not close. I have a close friend since childhood - they have embraced me as well as DH into their family celebrations....I don't know what I would do with out them.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

CrazyKittyLvr2 — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:26:00 GMT

I don't mind so much the divorce not being told it's sad but not vital info. Don't spring the death of a 51 yr. old man we liked on us. Again, I know medical conditions are touchy, but we would have done anything we could to help. The last time we saw him he looked great so it was pretty shocking.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

CrazyKittyLvr2 — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:30:07 GMT

@Cakers3 When my husband had cancer I made sure his siblings were told what was going on with him.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

Boehm Collector — Tue, 19 Feb 2019 13:21:10 GMT

@CrazyKittyLvr2 My sister in law doesn't tell our side of the family anything,,,,, only her side counts. My brother tells me things that he things are really important. I often find things out when my brother's mother-in-law tells me.

EDITED: I see my brother once a week and we text each other often. When I ask what's new the usual response is "nothing".... unless it is something major.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

Sweetbay magnolia — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:34:24 GMT

Honestly, my small family could be in the newspaper business with the amount of "editing" that goes on.

It only insults me when I see that they thought they were somehow "protecting" me. From what? The damage inflicted already over a childhood?

Go on with your bad self. I go on with mine just fine, thank you.

It's the whole "glass house" syndrome. I don't throw stones until I have to, and by then, I generally have enough intel to see what's really happening.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

Laura14 — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:41:58 GMT

I just lived this two weeks ago. The entire sordid tale was on the Among Friends forum where some very nice posters gave me some really great advice. Strangers can sometimes act more like family then the supposed real thing.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

SahmIam — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:42:41 GMT

If interested, I'll call/ask.

If they want me to know, they'll tell me.

That about sums it up.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

panda1234 — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:47:52 GMT

Found out brother in law had cancer on Facebook.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

Cakers3 — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:47:57 GMT

@CrazyKittyLvr2 wrote:
@Cakers3 When my husband had cancer I made sure his siblings were told what was going on with him.

@CrazyKittyLvr2 And that is fine. I would have done the same thing.

Family dynamics can be convoluted and trying to figure out some people is like trying to smell the number 7.

Your frustration is yours and that is ok; all I'm saying is that all situations have two sides, whether right or wrong.

Just send your condolences and attend the services if you are nearby and let it be.

This too shall pass and in the end the death of this person is the focus, not who did or didn't call.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

NYCLatinaMe — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:51:56 GMT

If you want to keep up with what is going on in their lives, you should call them. if you don't have time, don't be surprised they don't have time to keep you informed,

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

GCR18 — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:54:55 GMT

Big things yes. It was the little things that were omitted. My niece and nephew were young when I moved away, they are now teens. I wanted to hear about first tooth lost or first day of school. It was the little things I wasn't kept up on. My sister and I spoke often too.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

Lilysmom — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 15:58:48 GMT

@NYCLatinaMe , I agree with your comments.

If OP & family are out of the loop, you are probably not in their inner circle so don’t be surprised if you aren’t kept up to date. Also, when people are very ill or have a death of a loved one, they are not worrying about who knows what. It is a two way street. Do you reach out regularly? If not, that may be why. LM

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

CrazyDaisy — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 16:04:46 GMT

The "no one told me" statements get old in all aspects of life. Communication is always 2 way.

Re: Family, are you kept in the loop

sann — Mon, 18 Feb 2019 16:05:17 GMT

@Laura14 wrote:
I just lived this two weeks ago. The entire sordid tale was on the Among Friends forum where some very nice posters gave me some really great advice. Strangers can sometimes act more like family then the supposed real thing.

Amen to that.