topic Re: Guests who invite themselves?! in Community Chat

Guests who invite themselves?!

NJgirl 1205 — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 13:37:23 GMT

I went to an event the other day where a distant relative (husband’s cousin’s husband’s sister - real distant) asked me why we don’t invite her over to our house as we were saying goodbye. I was mortified! While we know her well and see her at this cousin’s events once in a while, we are not close or particularly friendly.

I was definitely taken off guard and said something like you are always welcome. She pushed and replied that she wants to coordinate a date. I told her soon but really have no desire nor will we follow through.

Have you ever had a similar situation? What would you have said/done?

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

Chicagosuburbangirl — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 13:41:07 GMT

Sounds like she wants to be friends with you.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

Group 5 minus 1 — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 13:48:05 GMT

You are being too hard on her.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

reiki604 — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 13:52:08 GMT

And then we have those people who complain of not having anyone who cares about them and wonder how to make frioends. This is how it starts, by closing oneself off to new experiences and people.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

chrystaltree — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 13:52:48 GMT

I don't recall ever having that happen to me but I can certainly see it from that women's standpoint. She thinks of you as family or as friends. You said you know her well. You said you see her at the mutual cousins's events. My guess is that when you are in her company, you social and are friendly with her and that's probably been going on for years even if you don't see her often. I don't what you were "mortified" about, perhaps you chose the wrong word. You didn't do or say anything that you should fee embarrassed about. I think in situation like that where I do know the woman and we are in the same sort of extended family; I would set something up and invite her for lunch or dinner. I'd probably invite the "cousins" too. That is, of course, if I did not dislike the woman. I would not have been embarrassed by any of this. I'd have told the truth "You're so right Mary, all this time and I haven't had you over. Give me your phone number and we can talk next week and set something up". Which I would do but in your case, I suppose you would just not take her calls and just hope the thing dies before you see the next time. Since you said "soon" if she can pick up on vibes , she probably knows that you are not interested in socializing with her.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

PinkyPetunia — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 13:55:53 GMT

Invite her over for what? Socializing, a meal or to stay as a houseguest?

Why doesn't she invite you to her place? Whenever I get an awkward request I try to give a vague response like my memory is bad, must check my calendar or that we are busy busy so we'll see, too much going on right now.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

scatcat — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 13:57:00 GMT

If she wants to hang out with you, why doesn’t she invite you to her house

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

LindaSal — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 14:02:37 GMT

I have had this happen to me, mostly with relatives and friends that are more aquaintances than actual friends. I don't appreciate being put on the spot either so I totally get what the OP is saying. However I always try to be kind and if pushed I would suggest meeting for lunch, not having the person over. I can give some of my time but I wouldn't open my home and prepare the meal to encourage this situation.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

chrystaltree — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 14:06:22 GMT

@reiki604

I was thinking along those lines too. I was thinking the poor woman was probably reaching out, trying to make a friend or expand her social circle. Which is what they tell lonely people to do. She thought since this was someone she knows, it would be "safe" and easy for her. And she got rebuffed. I felt bad for her.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

YorkieonmyPillow — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 14:08:02 GMT

It would depend on how she acted, and whether I wanted to see her or not.

Apparently you don't want to, so I wouldn't follow up.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

withaK — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 14:10:12 GMT

That is distant !! When was the last time you saw her ? DH and I have a rule that I handle my family and he handles his. We were left out of alot of parties with his family until the death of his mother brought us in contact with some people. We were invited to a couple of "gift-giving" events and then nothing....I digress tho...lol.......see what your husband wants to do with the relationship and proceed from there. It may have been one of those "Oh we need to get together more often !!" type of goodbyes

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

Financialgrl — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 14:16:32 GMT

@LindaSal wrote:
I have had this happen to me, mostly with relatives and friends that are more aquaintances than actual friends. I don't appreciate being put on the spot either so I totally get what the OP is saying. However I always try to be kind and if pushed I would suggest meeting for lunch, not having the person over. I can give some of my time but I wouldn't open my home and prepare the meal to encourage this situation.

Exactly - I had 2 very good friends and we would get together often - however, that meant meeting at the movies, meeting at a restaurant for lunch or dinner, etc. Rarely did we meet in someone's house unless one of them was running late and asked us to stop by. In addition, we each always paid for our own meals/movies, etc when we were out. We never wanted to create situations where someone did something and the other 2 of us felt that now we had to reciprocate.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

NJgirl 1205 — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 14:22:51 GMT

My husband was right beside me and heard the whole thing. I too let him handle his family. He never even liked this woman and no, we have no intention of following through. I guess I was just caught off guard. Typically if I like someone or want to start a new relationship, I am the one to invite the person and would NEVER say why don’t you invite me over. I find that rude, pushy and off putting.

We are both 50, still working and active with many friends and acquaintances. She still has kids at home and is quite busy. I don’t think she did this because she is lonely and looking for friends.

I find the replies interesting and appreciate the time you all chose to post.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

SXMGirl — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 14:29:26 GMT

@NJgirl 1205 Much depends on the relationship which you have now. Do you like her company? If so, schedule a lunch date. If all goes well at lunch, then it would be her turn to reciprocate. If you do not like her or lunch does not go well, then don't plan another date.

What I will say is that as we get older, we need more people in our lives. We have no idea what the future will bring, but she may bring good things to your life. If you enjoy her company only at family gatherings, you may miss out on many good things. Of course, if you have lots of friends, maybe you don't need anyone else to add to your life. If so, you are very lucky.

I am a person who thinks that some day people regret excluding people from their lives unless there is a compelling reason. No matter, you do what you think is best for you--just try to think into the future and what you might be missing.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

Jtdmum — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 14:29:29 GMT

I have a neighbor who I am not close with who out of the blue started to ask to come over to sit and have a glass of wine. I never drink during the week and rarely on weekends. Why would somebody invite themselves to my house? I would think the opposite, you invite me to your house for a glass of wine.

Then started with the kids wanting to swim in my pool...and it starts...Put a quick end to that.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

NicksmomESQ — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 14:38:02 GMT

You have the right to decide what you want to do with your time & who you want to invite to your home.If she wants to be friends she should invite you to her home.Not invite herself to yours,period. Then you decide wether or not you want to accept.

I think she was being rude.If you don’t want her over your house,that’s your choice.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

NJgirl 1205 — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 14:43:11 GMT

I should add that we have not seen this woman in about 2 years. She also knows we recently moved into a new home so maybe she is just curious to see it. Our culture is such that when we invite people it is always around large meals. There is no such thing as just drinks only or coffee.

Yes, we are very lucky with many friends, acquaintances and family with whom we are close. I am not in the market for new friends but IF I was, I would be the one to take initiative to invite them rather than the other way around...

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

happycat — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 14:44:40 GMT

Well, she may just be socially awkward, honestly. I don't know why she didn't invite you to her house, but if you feel like it at all, you could just ask her if she'd like to meet for lunch or dinner at a restaurant. We all have to eat, she may be lonely, and you could end up having a lot in common with her.

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

homedecor1 — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 14:47:48 GMT

lots of people say this ... but, does it really have to happen (esp. with distant family members!). I have a family member who thinks she should be "invited" to every event, etc. -- we haven't seen her in years BUT our one relative invites them -- good for her....I don't want to start a friendship with them...

perhaps she is interested in seeing your new home ...I'd let my spouse handle that one!

Re: Guests who invite themselves?!

patbz — Sun, 27 Jan 2019 15:14:32 GMT

@NJgirl 1205: Where do you live (desirable from a destination prospective?) do you have a pool? What I'm saying, is maybe your "would be friend" has an ulterior motive (it happens).