topic Re: Giving “advice” in Community Chat

Giving “advice”

LilacTree — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:14:58 GMT

I have a lifelong friend, we’ve been “best friends” since we were eight years old. We are now both eighty, soon to turn eighty-one. She had a very serious stroke last fall from which she has recuperated very well, with just some weakness on her right side. She is able to drive and do most of the things she used to do physically.

However, she has been fighting with practically every member of her family for the past few months and is always sending their texts to me and her responses for my advice on how she is handling these issues. I know what she really wants is for me to agree with her. Sometimes I can readily see that she herself is causing most of the problems, but so far I have managed to avoid saying anything that would upset her.

Today I called her and very carefully said she should consider dropping a particular issue she’s been having with a relative because I’m worried it is harming her health to get so upset. She did not have a good reaction to that.

Some of you may tell me I should just stay out of it altogether, but if I did that, I know I would lose her friendship. Other than these issues we have a good relationship, laugh a lot about old times and for those reasons I want to keep our relationship . . . We have known each other all of our lives and that’s a hard thing to throw away.

what do you think?

Re: Giving “advice”

Laura14 — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:18:34 GMT

I know you have been through it yourself these past few months so be mindful that her stress doesn't become yours.

If it makes her happy, after 70 plus years of friendship, saying "Yes, Dear" to please her and make her feel better even if it's not what you personally think may just be the saving grace for both of you. Then quickly change the subject to something else and enjoy her.

Glad to see you back!

Re: Giving “advice”

SahmIam — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:20:15 GMT

@LilacTree Sounds like you're her venting board. So, let her vent and then send her a smiley face with the words "I understand". She doesn't want advice, she wants solidarity in her drama. Give her that and be done with the text of the moment.

Re: Giving “advice”

goldensrbest — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:20:16 GMT

Glad to see you here, sorry about the problem, maybe she is having some mental issues, maybe feeling left out from her family?

Re: Giving “advice”

blackhole99 — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:21:05 GMT

You have already answered your own question, keep your mouth shut and you will keep her as your friend. It sounds like you are disposable to her though.

Re: Giving “advice”

JeanLouiseFinch — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:23:51 GMT

What any of us thinks doesn’t really matter. You made your choice on what to do and justified it accordingly but to me it sounds like you can’t win either way. Either you don’t get involved and she’s mad or you offer a suggestion and she’s mad. Who wants to live like that? Examine the relationship and determine if it’s always been like that. Then you need to ask yourself is if your relationship is as good as you’ve convinced yourself it is or is it only that good when you keep your opinions to yourself and agree with her.

Re: Giving “advice”

ShowMe — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:27:18 GMT

@LilacTree.....Please don't throw that friendship away. You are important to her, as she is important to you. That's a long time friendship.....many folks don't have that honor.

My very dear friend and I have been friends 60 years this year. And, we are going to go out and celebrate.

Maybe you could go out for lunch one day soon, and that would be a good time to talk some of this out. Much better to do in person than by texting.

These are only suggestions.....

Re: Giving “advice”

drizzellla — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:33:31 GMT

I think you made a good decision. You tactfully tried to express your opinion. And she did not take it too well. So try and keep out of her family disputes. She did not see your point about letting an issue pass.

When my Mom got older, she was one tough cookie. She had her opinion and no one else's opinion was right. EXCEPT for my one brother. Whatever he said was right.

So I literally tried and tried to explain things to my Mom but I was always wrong. Sadly she got to be quite well known to the Social Worker at the nursing home.

So continue to be her good friend and enjoy each other's company.

Re: Giving “advice”

Imaoldhippie — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:45:53 GMT

Hi, its good to see you back. I hope you are doing great!

After anyone has a stroke there is brain damage, be it a small amount to larger amount. Your friend is showing signs of some type of damage to her brain and it cant be helped.

Its a hard thing but try being as neutral as possible. Also, dont be blindsided if she turns on you at some point.

Re: Giving “advice”

LilacTree — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:45:48 GMT

@Laura14 wrote:
I know you have been through it yourself these past few months so be mindful that her stress doesn't become yours.

If it makes her happy, after 70 plus years of friendship, saying "Yes, Dear" to please her and make her feel better even if it's not what you personally think may just be the saving grace for both of you. Then quickly change the subject to something else and enjoy her.

Glad to see you back!

@Laura14

That is pretty much what I have been doing. However this last one has been dragging out back and forth far too long, so I thought maybe I could talk her down from it. I’ll see now what happens. She usually calls every day, sometimes twice. Good advice, Laura, thank you.

Re: Giving “advice”

cherry — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:47:31 GMT

Be Swiss. At this point in your lives ,your friendship is what matters. You are a diplomat, and I think you know how to couch your phrases, in a way ,that will let you remain neutral

Right now ,you need your friendship, more than you need agro ,or trying to fix someone else. At her age, you won't change her , and with her stroke ,it might have made her a bit different, than she used to be. You can always say you are tired, and not able to help right at this moment , which is probably more true, than false

Re: Giving “advice”

SunValley — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:51:29 GMT

Could her stroke have affected her personality? I ask this as her argumentative behavior may be something new and not her normal state. I agree that she wants someone to back up her position. This is not easy when you don’t fully agree with her. I would tell your friend that you respect and value your long friendship, and your friendship boundary means staying out of her family business.

Re: Giving “advice”

LilacTree — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:51:53 GMT

@SahmIam wrote:
@LilacTree Sounds like you're her venting board. So, let her vent and then send her a smiley face with the words "I understand". She doesn't want advice, she wants solidarity in her drama. Give her that and be done with the text of the moment.

@SahmIam

I do that a lot of the time. I will keep doing it. Thank you!

Re: Giving “advice”

LilacTree — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 19:58:29 GMT

@goldensrbest wrote:
Glad to see you here, sorry about the problem, maybe she is having some mental issues, maybe feeling left out from her family?

@goldensrbest

That’s what I’m thinking too. We are old, and I’ve noticed some changes in my own family about my place in various ways. Once one turns 80 and has health issues as well, there is a change in the dynamic. I happen to accept it, and perhaps she doesn’t. Thank you Golden’s!

Re: Giving “advice”

dex — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 20:01:21 GMT

@LilacTree@I am glad to see you!I hope this is the sign that you are recovering nicely and will be back to regular posting.I think your friend is just a little cranky because of health problems.I agree with others who said that you should just listen but not advise.You don’t need to be a middleman...you are having your own struggles and need some cheerful conversation to bolster your own spirits.I would tell her that I only wanted to talk about fun stuff since you have both been sick for awhile.

Re: Giving “advice”

Drythe — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 20:01:59 GMT

@LilacTree

It is so very good to see you back!

I would say that if you value the friendship, and it seems as if you do, I would refrain from making any direct comments.

After 25 years a very dear friend drug me kicking and screaming into a disagreement I had managed to avoid for years. Under her manipulation, I was unknowingly put into a situation where I had to give an opinion. It went very badly, just picture the worst.

All those years I listened, nodded, said ‘uh uh’, ‘oh, I see’, ‘well’, ‘humm’ until she was willing to move along, and then I changed the subject, sometimes it took two or three tries.

That’s what I would do in your situation. She may feel that she is loosing control of parts of her life and need some affirmation from you.

Back to you! Try to eat, so you can grow stronger, I know you said it was difficult. Sending Very Best wishes to you!

Re: Giving “advice”

Teddie — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 20:17:08 GMT

Getting to know you as I have on these boards, dear @LilacTree, I know you are a caring, tender hearted person. Anyone to have you in their life is blessed. I have NO doubt at all you are handling this situation just right. It’s not fair to you to not be able to ever give your opinion without fear of the repercussions. I know how that feels. If you’ve been friends this long she should be able to hear your gentle suggestion.

It’s so wonderful that you are coming along in your healing process!

Re: Giving “advice”

CelticCrafter — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 20:23:37 GMT

I wouldn't offer any advice or comment on any of the issues she is trying to drag you into nor would I agree or disagree with her. Change the subject if she brings it up.

Re: Giving “advice”

KaySD — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 20:35:05 GMT

That's's a tough one! Having longer life experience doesn't always make relationships easier. Coincidentally, if there are coincidences, I read this in a newsletter article just today. I've paraphrased it but captured the central idea. Maybe it applies for you.

------------

A few years ago, I got really uncomfortable when I felt pressure to turn my imperfect experience into advice for someone. And as it turned out, we drifted apart. Advice doesn't connect us. Advice doesn't help us to listen. I felt trapped by wanting to help but knowing I didn't have the right answer, knowing "it depends" is usually the only way to answer. Then I discovered that the way forward is simply to be up front about what I was sharing and why. Instead of offering advice, I could simply say, “This is what’s worked for me.” Or, “Here’s what I’ve seen work for someone in a similar situation.”

Re: Giving “advice”

sidsmom — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 20:43:46 GMT

Next time the subject comes up I would tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable & would rather not discuss. My gut says her

commitment to this long-term relationship probably is not

on the same level as you place it...and she’ll act accordingly.

# of years does not equate quality of relationship.

There are times when we have to realize our friendship

with someone is not serving us well.