topic Re: How to step baI ck from a controlling sister in Community Chat

How to step back from a controlling sister

petepetey — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 10:50:11 GMT

Holidays bring out the best and worst of people.

My older sister has been a controlling person her whole life. It came to a head for me on Thanksgiving when she got mad at my 85 year old mother because she picked out the items for a bathroom remodel on her own, didn't let my sister help her decide.

What? My mother can choose her own floor/vanity etc. for her own bathroom.

She was chilly towards my recently widowed mother that day. NOT OK.

Also she gave us the orders for Christmas, limiting our time with her family. We've had Christmas with them our whole lives. Now this year she pushed back the time to a late start. It's her house, she can do what she wants but why the change after decades of doing it the same?

My mother is very sad and upset by her behavior and so am I.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

Imaoldhippie — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 10:58:20 GMT

She sounds more than controlling, she sounds like an angry, hateful person.

Have a talk with your mom and see if you and her can "skip" going to grumpy's house.

Simply tell her that none of you are going to comply with her mean and nasty demands and here is what ya'll are going to do. example, everyone comes to your or your moms house. If this makes grumpy mad so what? She is already a mad, sad and mean person what more could she do?

Good luck to you and your mom.

Re: How to step baI ck from a controlling sister

chiclet — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 11:00:43 GMT

I have long given up on figuring out why people do what they do and say. Be glad she scaled back the time and give her space after Christmas. I feel sorry for your mom but nothing you can do about it. You could try talking to your sister and asking what is wrong. Maybe she is going through something you don't know about and taking it out on your mother.

Re: How to step baI ck from a controlling sister

CrazyDaisy — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 11:07:21 GMT

Why not have a conversation with her. Perhaps there is something going on that you are not aware. Seems silly to post on a message board and let people take pot shots at her.

Re: How to step baI ck from a controlling sister

petepetey — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 11:13:22 GMT

Why does anyone post any topic about anything here? To discuss, learn, share

and perhaps grow from a new way of thinking. There is comfort in sharing a story with

someone else going thru the same thing.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

jackthebear — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 11:39:14 GMT

my guess she has done this her whole life, no one pushed back

as for her hosting dinner, if you have the b--s do what you want and show up for dinner when u r ready.

will take courage to stand up to her , good luck

Re: How to step baI ck from a controlling sister

ID2 — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 11:41:36 GMT

I'd like to actually hear both sides to this story. We only hear one side, obviously. The family dynamic has always been very complicated. Instead of brooding, have a sit down heart-to-heart talk with your sister. Problem solved.

Re: How to step baI ck from a controlling sister

jackthebear — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 11:44:36 GMT

@ID2 wrote:
I'd like to actually hear both sides to this story. We only hear one side, obviously. The family dynamic has always been very complicated. Instead of brooding, have a sit down heart-to-heart talk with your sister. Problem solved.

agree

but I'd bet that controlling sister CS thinks she's anything but and that her family needs her wisdom etc, as evidenced by the picking out of new bathroom stuff.

Re: How to step baI ck from a controlling sister

KingstonsMom — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 12:07:20 GMT

@CrazyDaisy wrote:
Why not have a conversation with her. Perhaps there is something going on that you are not aware. Seems silly to post on a message board and let people take pot shots at her.

What seems "silly" to me, is when one poster decides what other posters should or should not post here, as well as how others respond to that poster's topic/question.

It's not your circus, not your monkeys.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

dex — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 12:11:41 GMT

@petepetey@Why don’t you tell her that you will host Christmas this year and then you can choose the time....you can take charge.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

petepetey — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 12:32:43 GMT

I offered to host and she said no.

It was through that discussion that I learned she lied/

fibbed about her timeline. She was saying so many things were difficult this year because her husband has to work that day. I do bring 2 major parts of the meal to her house each year.

It truthfully is no different than any other year.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

dex — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 12:44:40 GMT

@petepetey@You say step back but you really need to step up to her.If your sister is having difficulties with time for the dinner then inform her that you will do it so that she can arrive when she has time.That way you have control over when the festivities begin.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

K9buddy — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 12:53:40 GMT

Seems like the reason she doesn’t want you to host dinner is because she wants to punish you and your mom.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

wildcat fan — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 12:54:18 GMT

My older sister has always dictated the times for holiday dinners, the menus, etc. Then when the big day arrives she's always late and critical of me. Problem solved: I don't spend every holiday with them and wish them well from afar. Started new traditions with my own family. Love them all, but I'm not going to spend my few days off being miserable. Some years I go and endure it; others I don't. No regrets.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

FrostyBabe1 — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 12:55:54 GMT

Your sister is controlling because you LET her. Tell her you've had enough, will not allow it to continue and stick to your guns.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

Chicagosuburbangirl — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 12:56:52 GMT

I feel bad for you and sad for those in the same situation.

For some reason, if you are nice and have manners, some see this as a weakness.

This perception leads the bossy type to push and push.

Of course, if this is new behavior, you can try to ask your sister why.

If this behavior is becoming the norm, stand firm and steady that you will not be treated poorly.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

Laura14 — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 13:07:13 GMT

@petepetey I agree with the others that you and Mom do Christmas how you want to do it. Include her by stopping by or having dinner but it's your holiday too.

I've been run over by most of my family my whole life. Still am. But I have learned that if I don't want to, I don't even if it means entertaining myself. Christmas is a rough time to throw the gauntlet down but it can be done.

Just do what feels right for you and enjoy your holidays! You might be surprised how quickly your sister backs down when you and your mom take back your power and your day and turn the tables a bit in a polite but firm manner.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

Peaches McPhee — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 13:16:09 GMT

Interesting. I see another side to the Christmas dinner situation. She is the host, she can do what she wants. It seems like you are trying to control her choices from afar, just like she tried to control your mom's. You don't get to decide what she does, but you get to choose to participate or not.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

CelticCrafter — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 13:21:39 GMT

Do they have to work or don't they have to work, did she push the time back an hour or 3 or 4 hours?

Make your dinner and time with your Mom and tell your sister you can visit at another time.

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

Mom2Dogs — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 13:36:23 GMT

@petepetey...I know pretty much what you are going thru...I have a sister like that...she caused many problems over the years while I would say nothing...just to keep peace. She even got mad and made a scene at my house during an event after my mother had had a very serious surgery....she did not have the decency to just keep her mouth shut...

Long story short, I am no longer in contact with her. one of her kids does not speak to her either....other child is just like her, ugh.....the other one lives far enough away to just stay out of the mix.

If she does something that is not right, and you disagree with her, she cuts you off at the knees, my brother WHO NEVER TAKES SIDES had this happen to him....she did something.....I will not go into it here but she was very wrong and deceitful. He let her know how he felt, but had no intentions of cutting times...but she refuses to speak to him.

There is not a lot you can do when dealing with people like that...take care, I know it is tough.