topic Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations in Community Chat

Shower/Wedding Invitations

bootsanne — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 16:50:28 GMT

I know this issue has been addressed before, but I just need some extra input. My niece, who is basically a lovely girl, has never missed a chance for a party for her 3 children. I mean EVERY chance, for every event imaginable. We are not or ever been close. She's lived several hours away for the past 35 years. She is much closer with her dad's side of the family than my deceased sister's side. I have not seen her in 2 years although she has been as close as a couple miles from my home several times in the past few months. Not even a text. Well her youngest is getting married--I've seen him maybe 3 times in my life. Naturally I got invited to the shower- 3 hours away- and the wedding--6 hours away. My husband has had numerous health issues for a year now which she knows about because I am close with her sisters. There has never been any inquiries about him. I sent my regrets and a gift for the shower and got a very cool response from my niece. I RSVP'd that we wont be at the wedding. Feeling as I do, how horrible a person will I be if I send no gift for the wedding?. Money is not an issue, I'm just tired of handing out gifts to people who wouldn't know me if they were standing next to me.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

seaBreeze — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 16:57:13 GMT

Boots ... your story seems to be the norm with families spread for hundreds and even thousands of miles away. In my day, you married the boy in your hometown, now it's the one you met in college, and then settling where the most money can be made.

I receive invitations from those three hours away, I send a gift, with my regrets and life goes on. Perhaps the invitations are sent so no feelings are hurt knowing the 'invitee' probably will not attend. I am no longer a people-pleaser, I think of my well-being first. You are doing the right thing especially for your husband's sake.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

Glitter51 — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 16:58:07 GMT

If you don’t want to send a gift then don’t . It’s really that simple and you have no need to feel guilty about your choice. You said that she never really put forth any effort to make time for you. So let it go. Personally, I’ve never let stuff like that bother me, regardless if they are family or not.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

Daisy Sunflower — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 17:07:32 GMT

I wouldn't send her a gift. I wouldn't have given her a shower gift either.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

proudlyfromNJ — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 17:10:23 GMT

@Daisy Sunflower wrote:

I wouldn't send her a gift. I wouldn't have given her a shower gift either.

@Daisy Sunflower. I was just going to post the same thing. I would have RSVP'd both invites NO and thrown them in the trash

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

Ladylaughsalot — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 17:10:26 GMT

Since she has not stayed in close contact, over the years, you should just consider the invitation as her way of letting you know that her child is getting married. I wouldn’t bother to send a gift or attend.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

Peaches McPhee — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 17:11:02 GMT

Feel confident in your decision, @bootsanne!

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

riley1 — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 17:15:27 GMT

Personally, I would not send a gift. You really don't know this person, haven't been close through many years, etc. I certainly wouldn't feel guilty about anything - I'm over trying to please others.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

bootsanne — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 17:25:24 GMT

@Peaches McPhee I failed to mention her second child-a doctor- will be getting married next year. And this girl is an absolute snot. Well, I'll deal with that if I'm still alive.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

RespectLife — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 17:34:44 GMT

@bootsanne

You DID already send one gift....I think that is lovely of you considering the circumstances and quite enough.

You were kind beyond what they seem to deserve already.

If it were me, I would not send a second gift for the wedding.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

faeriemoon — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 18:49:28 GMT

What did the "cool response" say?

Sometimes when we feel bad/guilty we read more into things than what was intended.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

151949 — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 18:54:44 GMT

If I feel something is a gift grab I do not send a gift but if I feel the invitation was sincere I do. Only you can decide.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

Love my grandkids — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 18:59:07 GMT

@bootsanne The invites, both of them, are nothing more than GIFT GRABS!!!

Don't send a gift!! Don't offer any excuse or reason.

Her behavior speaks for itself.

And DON'T APOLOGIZE for not attending. Send a nice card and nothing more.

I can't stand people like this. I have a cousin like this and we ignore her the same way she chose to ignore us for the last 40 years!!

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

ShowMe — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 19:09:11 GMT

I re-read the OP's post.....it is the groom that is a relative.....not the bride. Apparently the groom's family gave the bride's family a list of those they wanted to invite.

Don't think I would even respond to either the shower or the wedding....they are what I consider DISTANT RELATIVES.....

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

Ruby Laine — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 19:20:00 GMT

@bootsanne, I agree with the majority, and you should have no guilty feelings. Did you get a thank-you note from your nephew or his fiancé for the shower gift?

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

Imaoldhippie — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 19:20:35 GMT

You wont be a horrible person for not sending a gift. What, like its going to make them contact you less?

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

mimomof4 — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 19:24:22 GMT

You are a family member not matter how distant so that is why you were invited. For many that is considered proper etiquette. As you said your niece throws parties for everything so she is just continuing the tradition.

When invitations are sent out it is not expected that everyone will accept. Don't feel guilty if you don't attend the wedding and don't send a gift. The couple does not know you and actually will not notice. If your niece thinks poorly of you too bad for her. She hasn't taken the time to get together or speak with her.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

ROMARY — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 19:25:20 GMT

'To begin with', I wouldn't have sent her a shower gift. A nice congratulations-wedding card, yes.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

chrystaltree — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 19:27:27 GMT

This is easy. You have no relationship at all with kid who is getting married. You could pass him on the street and neither of you would recognize each other. You have only the faint remnants of a relationship with the mother. In our family, we call them "wedding and funeral" relatives. That's what you are to each other. Let the shower pass, no gift is required since you aren't going to the shower. Honestly, they don't expect you to go to the shower anyway. Send your regrets to the wedding but you can send a gift or gift card, depending on your circumstances and how much you want to pay. In a situation like this, I would send a $50 American Express gift card and gorgeous card. You could buy one of those big vases or punch bowls at Marshall's or TJ Maxx. Some that costs $25 or $30 dollars but looks expensive. That would make a lovely gift. We are invited the wedding of a good friend's daughter, her 3rd wedding. The last one was 4 years ago. I love the girl, she's my older daughter's bff but we gave her wedding presents, $$ ones twice already. i found a crystal platter that is actually quite lovely. It will coordinate with any decor and it costs me $30. I gave up playing the gift game with "wedding and funeral" relatives quite some time ago. I think as civilized people we have acknowledge family even distant family but we don't have go their gift giving events or spend a lot of money on them.

Re: Shower/Wedding Invitations

libbyannE — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 19:31:57 GMT

It sounds as if the niece will offend you either way: if she invites you, you are offended. If she did NOT invite you, you probably would feel slighted, too. She gave you the courtesy of an invitation, so all you have to do is say yea or nay. Send a card, yes, but the gift is your choice. I have a distant niece, too, but it isn’t her fault or mine that she has never lived within 1500 to 2000 miles of us. Don’t take things so personally.