topic Re: am i overracting to this situation? in Community Chat

am i overracting to this situation?

kittyloo — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:11:22 GMT

last night i was in a tizzy, but kept my mouth shut for the most part. i knew i needed to take a breath and step back.

we got a new neighbor across the street. single woman appears to be late 30's to early 40's.

our street the immediate houses are pretty friendley in general. we just moved here a few months ago, and at least 3 neighbors came by to introduce themselves and say hi. wow. that's never happened before.

anyway, we just roll into the driveway, (myself, dh, and dd) and the new neighbor is blowing leaves into her driveway to clean up the yard. she said she just got the blower, and it was supposed to also have a bagging feature but she didn't know how to use it.

dh jumps/leaps from the car to tell her he has a "leaf vaccum" that would do a much better job for her, and proceeds to haul it out.

i tried to tell dh that perhaps it would be better for him to show her how to use her new blower attachment rather than doing it for her with his equipment.

well that fell on deaf ears. oh well. 20 minutes later, he and dd come in, all happy about what he did, and he mentions that she gave him money.

WHAT? i'm thinking ok, she offered him money for his help. then he tells me he accepted the money!!! $30...they were over there for maybe 20 minutes.

I am mortified!!!! she is going to be afraid to pull out that leaf blower, for fear dh is going to insist on "assisting" her again. Jeeps! i'm all for helping out the neighbor, (which btw she didn't ask for) but to accept money......!!!! i was beside myself last night. but tried to not get too wound up, I didn't think i was over reacting at all, but ... maybe i was.

last night i wanted to go over and give that money back. you don't take money for doing a good deed. sigh.

please don't be bashing on my dh for this. he did it with a right heart. i just think that the good deed went a little south at the end.

thanks for letting me vent.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

esmerelda — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:17:54 GMT

@kittyloo yes, overreacting. We have to let people thank us when they want to. Sometimes their way of saying thanks is giving money. Would you have viewed a gift card to a local restaurant differently? Refusing it or attempting to refuse it… It’s useless. If you think you can help her figure out her attachment, do that and you won’t have to worry about this again.

If I was concerned about anything, it would be the speed with which DH went to her aid. Your post sounded like he didn’t even go into the house first. Is that correct?

Once again, I’m glad I do not live in a neighborhood.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

bonnielu — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:18:27 GMT

How does he feel about it. Would he return the money? Perhaps she was the one who just insisted and insisted and he had to accept it. I have been in that situation.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

eddyandme — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:20:09 GMT

You are correct - never take money for doing a good deed - kinda ruins the whole thing.

I think you could right this wrong by giving a donation to an animal shelter in her name: everybody likes helping animals! At least after you explain why you made the donation she'll realize your DH was embarassed for his faux pas and in the future she'll know no payment required when help is given.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

sidsmom — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:20:14 GMT

Your husband was in 20 minutes of Garden Cleaning Nirvana....

AND he got paid for it? Win-Win.

Boys love their Toys...and a leaf blower is close to Home Depot Heaven.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

Annabellethecat66 — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:22:46 GMT

I understand the situation. I'd probably feel similar (to you).

My advice is to just move on and don't think about it anymore.

Maybe sometime you could go over with some cookies or a treat. When you get to know them a little better the two of you will probably be laughing over this.

My next door neighbor (young boy) has done heavy lifting for me since he was in middle school. He now has a full time job and goes to college at night.

But he still comes over and brings up my boxes and heavy groceries.

I always pay him. He used to say, "That's OK". But as he's gotten older he understands the $25 or so I give him helps with his food.

I've finally gotten through to him the same thing I tell everyone who helps me..."Is your time valuable?"

Your situation is different and I understand. But don't worry about it. Just do what I suggested...if you do I think you'll feel better.

ps You sound like such a lovely person. If he's married to you he must be special too!

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

dex — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:25:06 GMT

I would give her back the money and let her know that your DH felt awkward in the situation as that was totally unexpected.i would introduce myself first though and maybe bring some cookies or flowers to welcome a new neighbor.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

Jazzygurl — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:26:42 GMT

Could it be that you may be a little wary of the young new female neighbor. My husband does things like this all of the time with our neighbors. Quite a few of them are single women. It does not bother me unless I get bad vibes from the person. Some of them have given him gift cards or something. It is just in his nature to help people and I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone like him in my life.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

Zhills — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:27:17 GMT

When you are offered money, just smile and say, "Thank you!" Being single does not equate to being needy. Paying your own way is important.

Kudos to you for not getting upset with your husband for helping her. Most wives would be upset. Been there, been through that!

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

CAcableGirl2 — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:34:00 GMT

@kittyloo For fear of insulting this new neighbor, I would keep the money or donate to an local food bank or animal shelter. Because she gave it to your husband, I think she would be taken aback if his wife just walks over to her and takes it back. For me, it's like insulting her and your husband - like being your husband's mommy who says he can't keep the gift.

I would donate it and once she's moved in, take some cookies or pie over, welcome her to the neighborhood and start off on the right foot.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

ID2 — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:42:31 GMT

Um YES you are way overreacting!! You want to give her back her $30?? Why? I just don't understand why the OP is so bent out of shape about this! There is a lot more in life to worry about. Your neighbor was very generous and just be happy about that. I'm hoping there isn't more to this story about maybe the OP is a bit intimidated by a young single woman living next door needing help? I hope that's not the case. Move on. You could have one heck of a horrible neighbor! Sounds like you got a gem.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

GCR18 — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:47:28 GMT

I don't see the issue. DH did some work and took money, situation is over. I think it could potentially turn into an issue if the neighbor wants him to help all the time. If it happens again, he can show her how to use her attachment.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

fthunt — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 15:47:54 GMT

Your feelings are 'spot on'.

(shame on hubby)

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

sunshine45 — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 16:03:32 GMT

i think you are overreacting.....or possibly a little jealous?

he did a very nice thing for your new neighbor. she did a very nice thing for your husband. it all events itself out. maybe he can go over and show her how to use her own equipment and tell her if she needs any other help with it to just ask. a nice way to welcome someone into the neighborhood.

at this point neither you nor him should give the money back. it would not be nice.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

Allegheny — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 16:04:43 GMT

@kittyloo While I may be in the minority here, I do not think you are overreacting. What your husband was a nice deed towards the new neighbor, and while he saved her lot of time by using his leaf vacuum, it would have been nice if he also would have also showed her how to operate her blower.

He is the one who offered assistance, she didn't ask, but I sense she may have felt obligation to compensate him and it nice that she did so. But he should have been just as adamant about not accepting the money.

I think I would go over and welcome her to the neighborhood, may-be bring her a potted mum and then return the money telling her it made you feel uncomfortable.

Now on the other hand, when a neighbor constantly helps out and there is no way you can reciprocate, perhaps due to age or physical limitation, then I would make sure to find a way to compensate them.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

bootsanne — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 16:05:54 GMT

Wish my husband would leave me alone for 20 minutes and to get paid on top of it. lol

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

chrystaltree — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 16:17:54 GMT

You are overeacting because what is done....is done. He took money for it so that pretty much takes away the "good deed" aspect and $30 for 20 minutes of leaf blowing was excessive. Neighbors do things for each other all the time and even when offered, people don't take money. At some people we all help each other out in some way or another. This didn't involve you in anyway so it wouldn't be right for your to give the money back. I think the only concern I would have is that the money might have given the woman the impression that she can count on your husband to take on some handyman actitvities for her. Time will tell. But if that does happen, you can't be angry with her because that is the impression that your husband unwittingly gave her. But that's huge if. It's over, let it go.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

peace6576 — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 16:21:44 GMT

Not overreacting. I would be absolutely mortified if my husband accepted money from a neighbor. How tacky.

That being said I don't think you can give back the money without making your husband look foolish. Buy a gift card for $30 to a fun local restaurant and put it in nice welcome to the neighborhood card.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

bluehost — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 16:32:34 GMT

IMHO: Everyone has a tip jar out today, thus many, your neighbor, feels obligated to give $. Your husband, obviously, doesn't realize, good deeds go without payment. The feeling of doing good for good's sake is lost in our interactions.

Let it go.

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

LizzieInSRQ — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 16:44:22 GMT

If the money goes back...He should give it back, not you. You are his wife, not his mother.

With that said, I would not give it back. I'm a single female and I gift people when they do things like for me especially when I don't ask them to. What you can do, instead, is be warm and friendly to this new neighbor, invite for coffee/tea/cocktail and get to know her. If she is receptive great but also don't be offended if she doesn't end up doing much of that as it may not be her style. You may end up with a great friend that may end up being there for you when you need help or fun.