topic Re: Don't blame the kids in Community Chat

Don't blame the kids

feline groovy — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 23:18:33 GMT

it's too much "hovering"

How 'Helicopter' Parenting Impedes a Child's Development

By Alan Mozes

HealthDay Reporter

MONDAY, June 18, 2018 (HealthDay News) --

Overcontrolling moms and dads -- so-called "helicopter" parents -- can stunt their children's emotional development, new research warns.

Directing every move a toddler makes may undermine a child's ability to manage their emotions and behavior on their own, explained Nicole Perry, lead author of a new study.

"We found that overcontrolling parenting at age 2 was associated with poorer emotional and behavioral regulation at age 5," said Perry, a postdoctoral fellow with the University of Minnesota Institute of Child Development.

At age 10, this parenting approach also was tied to more child-reported emotional and school problems, fewer teacher-reported social skills, and less teacher-reported academic productivity, she added.

Parents play a critical role in helping their children learn to manage their emotions and behavior independently, Perry said. Children need a sensitive parent to help guide them through "emotionally taxing situations." At other times, the parent may need to hold back.

Perry explained the balancing act of toddlerhood this way: "A greater desire for independence often puts toddlers in situations of increasing emotional challenge and complexity."

If parents exert too much control over these situations and step in before children try to handle the challenge on their own, or physically keep children from challenging contexts altogether, they may hinder the development of self-regulatory abilities, Perry said.

The study followed 422 U.S. children for eight years, assessing them at ages 2, 5 and 10. Researchers looked at their interactions with their mothers. They also reviewed teacher reports and self-reports from the children at age 10.

Most were enrolled between 1994 and 1996 and all were from varying socio-economic backgrounds. Two-thirds were white.

Mothers and their 2-year-old children were asked to play as they would at home.

Helicopter parenting was characterized as constant parental guidance -- telling the child what toy to play with or how to use it, or how to clean up afterward, Perry said. They were excessively strict or demanding parents.

While the researchers only found an association, rather than a cause-and-effect link, they determined that 2-year-olds exposed to this kind of parenting ended up less able to regulate their own emotions and behavior by age 5. That upped the risk for emotional problems at age 10.

On the other hand, better emotional regulation at age 5 led to fewer emotional problems by age 10. It also led to better impulse control, better social skills and better academic performance.

Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, said helicopter parenting seems to be increasingly prevalent.

Twenge, who wasn't involved with the study, suggested it may explain why today's teens often seem unprepared for the challenges of approaching adulthood.

"Parents should think about letting go a little and helping kids have more independent experiences," she advised. "If you're close enough, let your 10-year-old walk to school. Send them to overnight camp. Give them chores to be responsible for. Let them make mistakes without stepping in."

Perry stressed that "in no way is our work suggesting that parents should not play an important role."

Still, it's critical that parents appreciate the need to support children's autonomy and ability to handle emotional challenges, she said.

"The extent to which children can regulate their emotions and inhibit their behavior by the end of early childhood may be particularly important because it is during this time that children transition to the school setting," Perry added.

The study findings were published June 18 in the journal Developmental Psychology.

WebMD News from HealthDay

Re: Don't blame the kids

Goldengate8361 — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 23:50:49 GMT

There’s way too much hovering of kids when they’re in college and ALSO when they’re starting their careers in their 20s! Really. Some of these hovered milleneals work for me. I know.

Re: Don't blame the kids

RoughDraft — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 00:04:32 GMT

First there's a thread that's been going on for days about an under-supervised/ignored 5 year old being destructive and how parents should never let their chldren out of their sight. Now we have the other side of the coin about helicopter parents hovering and smothering their children's creativeness and ability to make decisions as they grow into adulthood.

Parents and children can't seem to catch a break. Where's a happy medium?

Re: Don't blame the kids

QVCkitty1 — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 00:11:36 GMT

@RoughDraft wrote:
First there's a thread that's been going on for days about an under-supervised/ignored 5 year old being destructive and how parents should never let their chldren out of their sight. Now we have the other side of the coin about helicopter parents hovering and smothering their children's creativeness and ability to make decisions as they grow into adulthood.

Parents and children can't seem to catch a break. Where's a happy medium?

Common sense ???

Re: Don't blame the kids

RoughDraft — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 00:21:28 GMT

Re: Don't blame the kids

QVCkitty1 — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 00:27:08 GMT

@RoughDraft wrote:

Very clever and snarky, but you know there is a difference between keeping a child safe in a situation like with the art piece and constantly hovering. At least I hope you do.

Re: Don't blame the kids

this is my nic — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 00:37:20 GMT

I realize we are living in a different world than what I and my children grew up in. We could walk to and from school, play outdoors all day in the summer going home only to have lunch. It was great!

Since this is a more dangerous world, perhaps kids can't have the freedom many of us had, but there has to be a compromise between what was once safe and being a helicopter parent.

We live in a very nice, safe neighborhood and I frequently see children playing on their own. However, the "helicoptering" school system buses pick up and drop off kids at their doorsteps. smh

Re: Don't blame the kids

RoughDraft — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 00:39:50 GMT

@QVCkitty1 Whether I know the difference is not important , as long as you feel assured that what you believe is correct. No snark intended.

I've known families that had extremely varying ways of raising their children...anywhere from bordering on neglect to extreme hovering. The majority of children from both spectrums managed to make a successful transition into adulthood. And no, this is not a scientific-backed study, just an observation of families I have known.

Re: Don't blame the kids

lovesrecess — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 01:00:57 GMT

"Free-range parenting" seems to be the knee-jerk reaction to helicopter parenting....lazy-way-out parents, aka free-range parents, allow their young kids to wander freely...to the park, the playground, along busy streets, etc. by themselves...now their are even some towns that have passed laws condoning this.....hope they know where their registered sex offenders are.....

Re: Don't blame the kids

Trinity11 — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 01:05:42 GMT

Kids know when they are loved so even when parents hover a little, I really think good intentions often are understood by our children.

I think young people who are courageous enough and selfless enough to have children in this world we live should be given all the support we can muster.

I see a trend on this board of a lot of criticism for the parents of today. Looking at the previous generation with rose colored glasses is just an illusion.

Re: Don't blame the kids

151949 — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 02:33:28 GMT

@RoughDraft wrote:
First there's a thread that's been going on for days about an under-supervised/ignored 5 year old being destructive and how parents should never let their chldren out of their sight. Now we have the other side of the coin about helicopter parents hovering and smothering their children's creativeness and ability to make decisions as they grow into adulthood.

Parents and children can't seem to catch a break. Where's a happy medium?

Which just goes to show you that extremes of anything are usually bad.

Re: Don't blame the kids

RoughDraft — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 03:16:58 GMT

@151949 wrote:
@RoughDraft wrote:
First there's a thread that's been going on for days about an under-supervised/ignored 5 year old being destructive and how parents should never let their chldren out of their sight. Now we have the other side of the coin about helicopter parents hovering and smothering their children's creativeness and ability to make decisions as they grow into adulthood.

Parents and children can't seem to catch a break. Where's a happy medium?
Which just goes to show you that extremes of anything are usually bad.

@151949 When I spoke of a happy medium, I wasn't addressing child-rearing. I was addressing the judgemental extremes some people make about people they know nothing about on a shopping forum. So, in truth, the adage about extremes doesn't always hold water. Sorry about any misunderstanding.

Re: Don't blame the kids

butterfly123 — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 03:17:48 GMT

@feline groovy

Thank you posting this informative article. 😊

Re: Don't blame the kids

sissel — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 04:52:06 GMT

If you solve all their problems then when they become in their 20's they quit jobs, quit college and have low self esteem. I know this because my friend was the hellicoper Mom and now dealing with it. Here are some words you haven't heard in awhile Time Out, Grounded, You failed cuz you didn't study not my fault. I used those words all the time. I was the meanest Mom ever and now my 29yr daughter thanks me. It's summer and fast food/mall have help wanted signs in windows Oh yeah these teens get up & get your min wage job so what, better than sitting playing video games all summer. You want to buy things work for it. Let them fall before they can walk. Don't get involved when they argue with their friends, let them figure it out on their own. It's life. I'm still learning. My husband read this new generation is called the "snowflakes" they are fragile and can melt anytime. LOL

Re: Don't blame the kids

RoughDraft — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 05:44:58 GMT

I don't know many "snowflakes." I have several relatives who might be considered helicoptor parents and often wondered if they were doing the right thing by hovering over their children.

Short synopsis: Two own their own businesses. Two are in graduate school, one working on a business law degree (who worked at the Q as a summer intern), one a nurse practitioner who is probably headed to medical school. One has a full college scholarship.

Guess I shouldn't have been concerned.

Re: Don't blame the kids

sissel — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 06:40:21 GMT

yes maybe some make it, but a parent that hovers over every part of their child's life and never let's them fail to understand rejection is a part of life also. Learn to solve your problems and your parents can't be there at times to do it for you. When kids (not kids) in their late 20's living at home & no job or no desire to even look for a job makes me mad.I blame parents. Parents doing their homework and now at this age wonder why.That's what happened to my girlfriend. Maybe I don't understand. I do know as I get older my daughter is self efficent and is on her own, understands money, job & life at times hard & times fun. I feel so sad for my girlfriend that complains she wants her kids to move on & they won't. Also they have no friends, she hovered too much. She has even driven them to job interviews but quit the job after 3 weeks. She calls me & says what's wrong I have given them everything, I bite my tongue knowing there is your answer.

Re: Don't blame the kids

CalminHeart — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 10:36:19 GMT

There is a balance. Too much control or not enough control will result in problems.

There are also places that require more control and some places that require less. Look at the kid who crawled up on a sculpture, broke it, and now the parents are on the hook for $130,000. That kid's parents weren't even in the same room. In a place like that, the parents needed to have more control.

Parents aren't perfect but they have to let their kids have space and make some of their own decisions and deal with their emotions....but at each kid's age and development level.

Re: Don't blame the kids

esmeraldagooch — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 13:25:40 GMT

@lovesrecess wrote:
"Free-range parenting" seems to be the knee-jerk reaction to helicopter parenting....lazy-way-out parents, aka free-range parents, allow their young kids to wander freely...to the park, the playground, along busy streets, etc. by themselves...now their are even some towns that have passed laws condoning this.....hope they know where their registered sex offenders are.....

Right there talking to kids in the safety of their homes on their computers prertending to be friends.

Re: Don't blame the kids

Hayfield — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 13:28:08 GMT

Raising children is hard, it's part how we raise them and part luck. I never hovered over my children, never did anything for them I felt they could do for themselves, like their homework! Unfortunately, I think some parents self worth comes from how well their children did in school, finding a mate, a job, etc. I personally got tired of hearing all the bragging and in the end their children didn't do any better or worse than mine.

Re: Don't blame the kids

Spurt — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 17:41:06 GMT

I don't think the problem today is "hovering" at all....I think its more of a "pass the buck" and leaving the parenting to the schools, youth organizations, and the general public.....To me many of these kids seem more like an "inconvenince" to the parents and their parent's fun.....