topic Re: Assisted Living in Community Chat

Assisted Living

chiclet — Mon, 28 May 2018 10:31:52 GMT

My sister went in to assisted living about a month ago and she hates it. She is in early 60s and has MS and had a stroke but it did not leave any bad effects. Her mind is good and she is very mobile. Her children put her in Assisted living. According to her there is not really any assistance. She can go to dining room to eat but she says the smell of the older people in diapers and the food smell makes her sick. It is a new nice place and the cost is unbelievable. She is afraid to do anything because they will charge extra. I think maybe she is just to young and not disabled enough to be there but it is not my call. My heart just breaks because she feels like a trapped animal. She says for what they charge there is really not much quality of care. I know this is just one place but I did have a neighbor tell me the same thing about her mothers AC facility and she was moving her.

Re: Assisted Living

meallen616 — Mon, 28 May 2018 10:37:24 GMT

@chiclet,

I am sad to read your post. I hope conditions improve for your sister. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.

Re: Assisted Living

KingstonsMom — Mon, 28 May 2018 10:51:41 GMT

I guess it all depends on the facility.

Our GM (mid 90's) was in an assisted living facility and she had a small 2 room apt. with small kitchen.

They would even bring her meals to her apt. if she chose, for an extra cost I'm sure.

She didn't have to eat in the dining room or socialize with the other residents unless she wanted to.

Maybe your sister's kids could check around for a facility with a setup like that, where she'd be happier.

It's sad that she has to be so miserable at this stage of her life.

Re: Assisted Living

CalminHeart — Mon, 28 May 2018 10:58:31 GMT

I took care of my uncle for many years. He went downhill so much that we put him in assisted living too. Over those first few months, her got a little better but he was bored to tears there. No one wanted to have conversations or talk about anything other than their pain and illnesses. We moved him to independent living and he blossomed. He still had some support and meals but was around people who wanted to talk and have fun. He thrived there and stayed until he passed.

Do you think your sister needs independent living instead of assisted living? Does the place where she is offer different levels that she could move to independent? It might be worth checking.

Re: Assisted Living

haddon9 — Mon, 28 May 2018 10:59:18 GMT

I'm also sad o read your post. I just turned 64 and couldn't begin to imagine living in one. I went looking at assisted living places for my 91 year old mother a few years ago.

They can be depressing. When we looked (mom came with me) we found a lot of residents just sitting in wheelchairs in the lobby or social room not doing much. My mother felt they were a bunch of old people and she didn't want t live with that environment. Yet she was probably older than many of them.

Your sister is very young to be living in one but maybe her children feel that because of her MS they could help her there. Of course it depends on how severe her MS is and what she can do for herself. Perhaps independent living with some assistance instead would be a better fit? Usually the apartments or rooms are more spacious and there are more activities going on than at assisted living. Independent living is less expensive too.

I wish her the best! Hopefully her children haven't just parked her there thinking this is the best for mom when it's really the best for them!

Re: Assisted Living

hopi — Mon, 28 May 2018 11:31:02 GMT

Sometimes the best intentions of children work out poorly.

The post make me very sad also.

Hopefully she can break out of there and find a different solution.

Re: Assisted Living

qualitygal — Mon, 28 May 2018 11:48:33 GMT

Talk to the kids of hers who put her there. You can always move her. Maybe this one is not a fit. At her age, I'd sure check further. Who has her power of atty.? There are places that send out helpers to keep family members in their own homes. I'd check on that too.

Re: Assisted Living

violann — Mon, 28 May 2018 12:00:27 GMT

@chiclet- did your sister’s children have legal authority to place her?

I am presently one of two adults who are mutually responsible for a 90 year old who was living in a dangerous situation.

Our relative was relatively clear mentally before an incident regarding a misprescibed medication, and is now extremely anxious and certainly less able to handle personal affairs.

After a month in the best assisted living we have found, we are all still unsure that this is best, but for various reasons, our relative cannot be made safe in the family home.

The question of “legal authority” would seem to be a concern with your sister’s care. Is that so?

@haddon9-that is EXACTLY my concern.

Re: Assisted Living

phoenixbrd — Mon, 28 May 2018 12:09:58 GMT

"Her mind is good and she is mobile"....why is she in assisted living? She is young and apparently capable of taking care of herself. Who decided that she should be in assisted living? Where was she living before? Why doesn't she leave? Too many unanswered questions to have an opinion.

Re: Assisted Living

cherry — Mon, 28 May 2018 12:27:09 GMT

Perhaps all she needs is ,someone to come in and give her a hand, with things she can't manage by herself

i think most people prefer their own space, and people to help, as long as they can manage

Food can be ordered , or meal delivery arranged. Maybe someone to vacuum ,and change the beds, and help with heavy duty things is all she needs.

Re: Assisted Living

sidsmom — Mon, 28 May 2018 12:38:40 GMT

Assisted Living is basically like an apartment within a complex

where there’s a group area in the middle for dining, activities, etc.

My Mom was in Assisted Living. There was a kitchen,

if she chose to have meals alone, a patio,

bedroom/bathroom/living room, washer/dryer, garage for her car.

For those w/out a car (like your sister) they had a van which went

to Walmart for groceries once a week, if Mom chose to go.

Lots of actitives like cards, book clubs, etc.

The complex would come in to change linens & general cleaning.

She could come & go, as she wished. The only ‘care’ was cleaning

and meals.

There were no ‘smell’ of older people in diapers because

everyone was still very capable of taking care of themselves.

The ‘smell’, ‘sick’, ‘trapped animal’ might be reactions for

not wanting to be there. Maybe a little homesick. Sounds like

she just hasn’t allowed the full experience to meeting new people.

Her family wants the best for her, so meeting them 1/2 way by

excepting the fact residing in Assisted Living is the new normal

if it’s a permanent solution. You might have a tough-love talk

with her about this...and how you react will only hurt/help.

Re: Assisted Living

Shanus — Mon, 28 May 2018 12:56:12 GMT

My mom at 90 lives in a gated community that offers independent living apartments, assisted living and then a total health care facility.

At this point, she can remain in independent living because she has long term care insurance and has aides that come in the morning to help her dress, do minor housekeeping (the community provides weekly maid service) & another aide comes at 5-9 to help her shower and get ready for bed. The morning aide stays long enough to take her to appts. & any do any food shopping with her or while she’s home. She had a few falls during the times the aides were not there (nothing broken), so these hours may be increased.

Having private help is expensive. Without her insurance, we’d have to go to a plan B.

Re: Assisted Living

Financialgrl — Mon, 28 May 2018 13:01:50 GMT

@CalminHeart wrote:
I took care of my uncle for many years. He went downhill so much that we put him in assisted living too. Over those first few months, her got a little better but he was bored to tears there. No one wanted to have conversations or talk about anything other than their pain and illnesses. We moved him to independent living and he blossomed. He still had some support and meals but was around people who wanted to talk and have fun. He thrived there and stayed until he passed.

Do you think your sister needs independent living instead of assisted living? Does the place where she is offer different levels that she could move to independent? It might be worth checking.

Exactly what I was wondering - independent care vs assisted living. My BF was dx with Alzheimers about 5 years ago. He lived with his daughter for 2 years once diagnosed until he became too hard to handle. Too hard to handle meant that he'd fly into rages and want to fight everyone.

He didn't do that and thrived at independent living for about a year - he had good days and bad but not bad enough to transition to assisted living/memory care. He still had the ability to meet friends at both independent and later assisted living. It was not until he had to transition to memory care when his quality of life considerably changed. They have activities and things to occupy them but it's lost on BF and many others there.

Re: Assisted Living

NicksmomESQ — Mon, 28 May 2018 13:03:26 GMT

My 75 year old neighbor is in the middle of an argument with her children over this issue.They are trying to force her into assisted living & she doesn’t want to go.She walks with a walker & they don’t want her living alone anymore.

My neighbor is very upset.She loves her life just the way it is.She just gave up her car to please her kids.She doesn’t want to go to assisted living.

Her groceries are delivered.Her friends take her to movies, lunch etc.I visit with her constantly.I check her mail, fix her computer issues,run errands etc.She also has a cleaning lady,an aide several hours a day & she has a life alert.

Yet her kids want her in assisted living.I don’t think it’s fair for them to pressure her.She asked me what to do. I told her that she has to do what makes her happy, period.Her kids are good people.But they shouldn’t be forcing her to go.

If your sister hates it she should leave.I know people who have left.It’s not for everybody.If you force someone to stay they can lose their will to live.My neighbor has been crying herself to sleep begging her deceased husband to take her to heaven before she’s put in assisted living.

Good luck to you & your sister!!

Re: Assisted Living

cherry — Mon, 28 May 2018 13:08:30 GMT

If people are soiled ,and not changed promptly, I would question the level of care they are given

My mother lived independently ,until her Alzheimer's advanced to the point she needed care

I never smelled bad smells in her facility..granted I wasn't there all the time, but when I was, it didn't smell any different to me, than any other establishment, and I am sensitive to orders

Re: Assisted Living

151949 — Mon, 28 May 2018 13:11:50 GMT

Since her mind is good and she is mobile she should be able to take care of getting herself outta there. She should start looking around for a more suitable place that would make her happier.

Re: Assisted Living

tansy — Mon, 28 May 2018 13:35:50 GMT

Your kids may browbeat or nag at you but cannot forcibly move you under the circumstances described. It sounds like she would be better suited to an independent living complex instead.

Re: Assisted Living

Abrowneyegirl — Mon, 28 May 2018 13:39:07 GMT

So sorry to read this, it is very sad.

It sounds like she may be in the wrong level of care as many have noted in PP.

A HUGE question that has not be asked is, if she is in an assisted living now and may not need that level of care what is the plan for when her disease progresses and she DOES need more care and her money has run out??

Re: Assisted Living

violann — Mon, 28 May 2018 13:52:44 GMT

@Abrowneyegirl- At the facility with which I am familiar, a client who has exhausted personal funds becomes Medicaid eligible and care continues as initially paid for.

I have no experience with any other care facilities, so I don’t know where this philosophy comes fro, or if it is a universal practice.

The facility in question is a “private for profit” facility.

Re: Assisted Living

Peaches McPhee — Mon, 28 May 2018 13:57:30 GMT

I am always intrigued by the phrase "her children put in in there". Why didn't your sister have a say, or make her feelings known? She had to sign the papers, not her children. Not trying to be mean about it, but this family dynamic puzzles me.

She can move at any time.