topic Re: dealing with in-laws in Community Chat

dealing with in-laws

madie — Tue, 08 May 2018 18:44:37 GMT

Would you continue to invest time to planning activities with your in-laws if they consistently complain you are not doing enough? we average seeing them about 8 -10 times a year and most get-togethers ( mothers day for example) are coordinated by me. If I stop my child will not get to see cousins, if I continue I just get taken for granted and walked on. I have already tried taking to them and it ALWAYS ends with them telling me how i am letting the family fall apart because we don't see each other enough! They bring this up EVERY visit! It is never enough, I have my own extended family, my own friends, my daughter has friends, my husband has friends, also my husband works weekends and we both work holidays. I feel we are doing the best we can to see them. I am done with being criticized, but I want my child to see her cousins. What would you do?

Re: dealing with in-laws

AuntG — Tue, 08 May 2018 18:50:33 GMT

I'd continue doing what you have been. When the negative comments start, ask your husband to explain the busy schedules and to tell them you are doing a great job in his eyes. I wouldn't totally give up but I wouldn't do more than is reasonable for a busy wife and mother.

Re: dealing with in-laws

Tyak — Tue, 08 May 2018 18:50:42 GMT

How far do you live from the in-laws?

Re: dealing with in-laws

JeanLouiseFinch — Tue, 08 May 2018 18:54:28 GMT

@madie I'm sorry you're not appreciated. I think that's probably one of our greatest needs as humans. That said, it boils down to the fact that we teach people how to treat us. They walk all over you because you don't do anything to stop it. You s-uck it up and keep planning, knowing exactly what's coming. So why should they change anything about their behavior? Stop being the planner and let someone else pick up the ball. If it doesn't happen, then accept the fact that your daughter may see less of her cousins unless you plan separate gatherings with individual families when possible.

Re: dealing with in-laws

queendiva — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:00:07 GMT

Your husband's parents. It's on him. Do not allow yourself to listen to their criticisms and complaints any longer. He needs to put on his big boy pants and deal with them and defend you and your efforts. ITA that the cousin relationship is worth your efforts.

What about the parents of the cousins? Husbands siblings?

Hubby needs to man up and your in-laws sound very whiney and self-centered. Talk to him about this issue NOW and ask him exactly how he plans to deal with it on Mothers Day. Specific action.

I am a new MIL (2017). Believe me, I try to ask nothing of DDIL and as little as possible of DS, especially because they are loving and respectful of me and I would like to keep things that way.

Re: dealing with in-laws

scatcat — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:01:32 GMT

Why is your husband allowing his parents to rag on you?

Re: dealing with in-laws

CelticCrafter — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:02:34 GMT

I'd let it go in one ear and out the other, not making any stops in between.

Re: dealing with in-laws

QVCFanfromLongIsland — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:04:35 GMT

Boy i could write a book for you. My advise is to do what you want . I have been dealing with similar issues and after almost 40 years of making an effort of trying to be a good in law to all of them nothing that you do or have done for them makes a difference. I too wanted my children to be close to their cousins but now they are all adults now and they hardly see each other. We went through a situation where one cousin didn't talk to one of my children for six years because the person whom they were dating didn't like them. It was deeply hurtful. Now it is happening again for other reasons. I am deeply hurt and so disappointed. I am thankful my husband is 100% on my side and agrees with me. So my advise is to do what ever makes you feel happy doing because no matter what you do it sounds like there is no pleasing them.

Re: dealing with in-laws

JJsMom — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:11:11 GMT

If you are doing all the planning and coordinating, why are they criticizing and blaming you? Is there more to the story that I'm not getting?

Re: dealing with in-laws

nana59 — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:12:00 GMT

when i stopped being the family co-ordinator, they asked my husband if there was something wrong with me.....ummmm...no....there was finally something right with me!

Re: dealing with in-laws

Financialgrl — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:13:40 GMT

@scatcat wrote:
Why is your husband allowing his parents to rag on you?

The other day an old old Dr. Phil was on - I don't watch him but was busy and didn't change channel. It was on your topic - and he said exactly what @scatcat wrote above. His words - "in any marriage it is the responsility of each person in a marriage to handle their parent(s) on any situation that parent is causing. Yep - agree - time to put his big boy panties on!

Re: dealing with in-laws

Annabellethecat66 — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:13:28 GMT

@AuntG I thought that was a wonderful response! I totally agree with you!

Re: dealing with in-laws

Marp — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:21:37 GMT

@madie wrote:
Would you continue to invest time to planning activities with your in-laws if they consistently complain you are not doing enough? we average seeing them about 8 -10 times a year and most get-togethers ( mothers day for example) are coordinated by me. If I stop my child will not get to see cousins, if I continue I just get taken for granted and walked on. I have already tried taking to them and it ALWAYS ends with them telling me how i am letting the family fall apart because we don't see each other enough! They bring this up EVERY visit! It is never enough, I have my own extended family, my own friends, my daughter has friends, my husband has friends, also my husband works weekends and we both work holidays. I feel we are doing the best we can to see them. I am done with being criticized, but I want my child to see her cousins. What would you do?

This needs more information added. What are you doing, what are their complaints, what is the context of the planning, what are your in-laws expectations, what do they want you to do?

If all else fails simply say I'm sorry I'm not doing enough would YOU like to take over the planning and coordinating?

ETA: In regard to your child and the cousins if a workable solution cannot be found suggest your child spend weekends/holidays with the cousins. That gives your child and cousins time together with the added bonus of extra time for you and your spouse.

Re: dealing with in-laws

Preds — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:19:56 GMT

Since you aren't meeting their expectations, hand it all back to them to plan. If they want to "hold everyone together", it should be their job and not yours. You've done your best and it will never be "their" best.

Plan for you and your husbands family and friends. Enjoy the people in your life that appreciate all you do. Family (cousins) can keep up with each if they choose to.

Life is short ... enjoy it with people that respect you and yours. To hades with the others.

Re: dealing with in-laws

Trinity11 — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:27:59 GMT

@Preds wrote:
Since you aren't meeting their expectations, hand it all back to them to plan. If they want to "hold everyone together", it should be their job and not yours. You've done your best and it will never be "their" best.

Plan for you and your husbands family and friends. Enjoy the people in your life that appreciate all you do. Family (cousins) can keep up with each if they choose to.

Life is short ... enjoy it with people that respect you and yours. To hades with the others.

Wonderful advice @Preds. I only wish message boards like this one were around 40 some years ago.

Hope you are doing well.

Re: dealing with in-laws

Trinity11 — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:46:40 GMT

@madie wrote:
Would you continue to invest time to planning activities with your in-laws if they consistently complain you are not doing enough? we average seeing them about 8 -10 times a year and most get-togethers ( mothers day for example) are coordinated by me. If I stop my child will not get to see cousins, if I continue I just get taken for granted and walked on. I have already tried taking to them and it ALWAYS ends with them telling me how i am letting the family fall apart because we don't see each other enough! They bring this up EVERY visit! It is never enough, I have my own extended family, my own friends, my daughter has friends, my husband has friends, also my husband works weekends and we both work holidays. I feel we are doing the best we can to see them. I am done with being criticized, but I want my child to see her cousins. What would you do?

@madiePeople who really love you don't twist you into a pretzel trying to please them. Been there done that and only wish I could take back the time I lost being a "pleaser."

I have two children that I dearly love but only see them a few times a year. They are busy living their lives and the last type of mom I would want to be is a parent who smothered them with demands. I know all too well what that felt like.

Take back your life and learn to say no. I only wish I could have had someone tell me that more than forty years ago.

Re: dealing with in-laws

ROMARY — Tue, 08 May 2018 19:59:44 GMT

Sometimes all we can do is to do what my dad used to suggest: 'Don't pay attention'.

Easier said than done, though.

Re: dealing with in-laws

Chicagosuburbangirl — Tue, 08 May 2018 20:04:23 GMT

To keep the peace in this situation comes at a cost.

I get it.

the only advice I can give is to tell you what we do: play nice for the sake of the kids and laugh or ignore rude behavior.

The life you have outside of this mess is what really matters.

Re: dealing with in-laws

RedTop — Tue, 08 May 2018 20:04:48 GMT

This is called manipulation; continue doing what you’ve been doing, tell them you’re doing the very best you can, and they’ll live with it just fine.

Re: dealing with in-laws

Catiele — Tue, 08 May 2018 20:13:04 GMT

This is as good as it gets dear in laws. Oh and please have a talk with your son. He then should say I think my wife does her very best.