topic Re: Question regarding manners with adults in Community Chat

Question regarding manners with adults

Karen2722 — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 14:59:08 GMT

I have been a long time viewer of QVC and enjoy reading the different forums - I'm always learning something new! ☺ This is my first post! ☺☺

I am interested in getting feedback on two sticky situations I have encountered with my mother in law recently (she is in her late 60s - I'm in my mid 40s). During 2 different family events she was sitting across from me at the dining room table and burps without covering her mouth or excusing herself. The smell inevitably wafts across the table toward me and I literally gag (sorry for the detail but it is digusting!!). I was raised with manners - please, thank you, excusing yourself, etc. I'm not sure how to handle this.. Do I call her out on it when it happens? Ask my husband to switch seats with me (my sister in law loves assigned seating). Say nothing? We have birthday parties and my nephew's First Communion coming in May so I would like some ideas before I see her again.

Also - during these past 2 events - my mother in law has stared at me for a few minutes at a time which makes me very uncomfortable. She hasn't done it once - she stares - looks away and a few minutes later will look back at me and start staring again.

I don't know how to explain it well but it's not the causal looking at someone when you are talking with them. She is silent and will just stare at me - starting at my head and work downwards. I've gotten a few suggestions - wink, wave, get up and move to another room, get up and ask her if she needs anything, etc. This is relatively new but has happened the past 2 times I've seen her.

Unfortunately, my mother in law has been a challenge to interact with since the day I met her and I could go on for pages about her behavior but at the end of the day she is my husband's mother!

Thank you in advance for your ideas and sorry for a long post!

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

Cakers3 — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 15:07:08 GMT

You indicated that the burping and staring is recent. This sounds as though she may beginning to experience some type of dementia perhaps. Since you are sitting directly across from her you are getting the behavior directly.

It would be interesting to see if she exhibits the same behavior if the seating arrangement chaned.

Do you speak to her at all when she stares and does she respond?

Since I am reading that this is new behavior, something is going on with her that may not have anything to do with you. And I'm sure other people are aware of the burp and its effects. The burp wouldn't just flow to you directly.

Are there other new behaviors? Late 60's isn't that old but it sounds as though something physical/mental is happening to her.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

kaydee50 — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 15:08:53 GMT

Maybe the onset of dementia?? Does she stare at only you or do others get the same treatment? When my SIL was in a nursing home and we would visit her she would stare at me. Sometimes I think she didn't know exactly who I was. Bottom line--what do others in the family say about her behavior??

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

NicksmomESQ — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 15:10:50 GMT

Speak to your husband.You’re his wife.Your feelings need to be taken seriously.Frankly,you should have addressed the matter sooner.Tell your husband that you need his help & understanding in navigating the situation.He needs to talk to his mother.Tell him you don’t want to sit next to your MIL anymore etc.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

Yardlie — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 15:13:21 GMT

@Karen2722 ... I would try to avoid embarrassing the person and steer the conversation to a new topic.

As far as your MIL staring at you goes, maybe you can sit on the same side of the table as her...with someone in between you and her. Have you discussed this situation with your husband?

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

Shop Till you Drop — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 15:13:46 GMT

Just leave it alone. Her manners are her issue. And if she stares, just smile and continue with what you are doing. Do not play into her. Just my two cents.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

qualitygal — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 15:18:39 GMT

Oh Karen, you're so lucky. Your MIL is looking at you and talking in her head. She's looking at this beautiful woman that HER SON chose. She's drinking in all she can on you. She's admiring you.

On where to set, try asking the hostess if you can set next to so and so, that you haven't visited with in a long time. Casually see who is setting where. If you go into any explanation about your MIL, it will get back to her and hurt her feelings. Or turn your head when she burps, cover your nose/mouth with your napkin.

Go easy, you may have a few more years to go through this.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

VanSleepy — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 15:20:24 GMT

I can't believe your husband or her daughter don't say anything to her when she burps at the table. Is it one that slips out or multiple burping throughout the meal? Maybe she has a digestion problem that causes it. (Still should say excuse me!) I'd ask my husband what's up with his mother's burping.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

chrystaltree — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 15:20:56 GMT

The woman obviously is rude and needs some etiquette lessons but honestly, there's nothing you can or SHOULD say about the belching or the staring. You said you don't get along and everyone in the family knows that so if bring up these things it will only come across as something trivial and you are picking on the woman. She could have medical reasons for the belching and that's her business. I would think her failure to cover her mouth and then excuse herself to those around her is just who she is. She's irritating you so perhaps she really isn't staring at you but perhaps she is. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it except keep away from her as much as possible. Don't say anything to your husband. He can't do anything about these things, complaining to him will only irritate him.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

Regal Bee — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 15:24:30 GMT

@Karen2722 Welcome to the boards.

I have found that people either have manners or they don't....and none of us will change them in the long run.

I would speak to my husband about this....if he chooses to do nothing, and he probably will, I would just ignore her to the best of my ability.

My husband's family has little to no manners and I fully understand how you feel. I have just learned to live with it.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

Carmie — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 15:32:25 GMT

I hate burping at the table and find myself saying “excuse you”when someone doesn’t excuse themselves.

People stare at me a lot, even perfect strangers, so I am used to it ( I have an unusual eye color) but, if it was someone that knows me....I would either ignore it or say “ a penny for your thoughts” or something like that. Maybe your MIL is deep in her thoughts and not really staring at you.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

2blonde — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 15:40:31 GMT

@Karen2722 Welcome to the boards! I'm in the same age group as your MIL, but I would never behave in such a manner. I can say that many new and curious health issues begin to arise at this age, so that may be playing a role. Having said that, I'm also wondering about your MIL's mental state. She may not really be looking at you when she's staring......her mind may be off somewhere if she's experiencing early signs of dementia. It is possible, since you say her behavior has recently changed. Yes, I would discuss this with your husband, but not with any other family members.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

occasionalrain — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 15:49:13 GMT

Do not go whining to your husband and put him in the awkward position of divided loyality. He will feel obligated to defend his mother while wanting to please you. It's just unfair to him.

Speak with the person who assigns seating and request to be seated by a specific person as a fellow poster suggested, excellent advice. It will solve your problem, avoid bringing your MIL into it, and please the person you choose.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

Alison Wonderland — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 16:01:22 GMT

@Regal Bee wrote:
@Karen2722 Welcome to the boards.

I have found that people either have manners or they don't....and none of us will change them in the long run.

I would speak to my husband about this....if he chooses to do nothing, and he probably will, I would just ignore her to the best of my ability.

My husband's family has little to no manners and I fully understand how you feel. I have just learned to live with it.

This.

You may be able to change some of her behavior, though. Every time she stares at you, ask her a question about herself. How's her day? How is her cat, bird, garden, whatever she's interested in. Ask her to tell a story about your husband. Ash her what her plans for the week are Ask her about her taste in music or movies. Just engage her every time she stares.

Either you will get to know her better and maybe relieve some of the tensions OR she will stop staring at you because you ask her questions every time she does.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

Karen2722 — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 16:05:16 GMT

Thank you for all of your replies!

To be honest - I never thought about the dementia angle - something to consider.

No - I haven't said anything to my husband (he is a tax accountant) about the burping / staring because the last incident happened right before tax season began and he has been so busy I didn't think it was good timing. Now that tax season will be over (yay! today is filing day) I've been debating whether or not to say something.

When I have mentioned concerns in the past to my husband about his Mom he tells me he is "just use to it" - that is how he grew up and how his family is. I think there is a part of him that may be embarrassed but what can he do about it? Believe me - I get it - you can't change another person and his Mom won't suddenly grow manners if she never had them! All of your responses have given me things to think about...

Thank you again for your thoughts! ☺

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

Imaoldhippie — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 16:11:02 GMT

I would speak to who ever assigns seats and tell them you refuse to set across from your mother-in-law anymore. You dont need to give them a reason. If they ask just tell them you would like to visit with different family members for a change. I would also talk to your hubby about whats going on with his mom.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

jubilant — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 16:41:07 GMT

Since your mother-in-law has been a challenge since day 1, I am going to assume she may be a challenge for others, too. Is she? That would be good to know. I do know that staring at people can be a form of abuse. I, however, hesitate to say that about your MIL without knowing more. An example would be a mental disorder or illness. If that's not the case, I would say you have problems and I would definitely discuss it with your husband. He would surely know. The staring would bother me more than the burping. If you think she is doing it to annoy you, ignore her and make and excuse to set somewhere else next time. Meanwhile you and your husband need to have a heart to heart talk about this. The blank stare of a narcissist can be quite intimidating...if that is the case here?

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

NycVixen — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 16:48:58 GMT

My MIL stares at me very uncomfortably since I met her 10 years ago. I understand completely. I last saw her in January for a family affair and it was a better trip. The difference is I don't care if she ever accepts me or not anymore. I sit strategically so I'm not right next or in front of her. I do my best not to be left alone with her because she often says insensitive things.

Don't say anything; it will be held against you regardless of the context. I don't know how long you've been dealing with this but enough is enough. I gather that they sit your MIL in front of you on purpose at this point. Her son can sit in front of her. I wouldn't oblige anymore and wouldn't care less what his family thinks. I told my DH that I will do what is best for me. He has a large family and they control everything. I wouldn't care about the assigned seating and just switch with your DH. There was a recent event and we didn't attend; it was too soon for me to deal with his family and he understood. Put your foot down.

From my experience your DH either doesn't completely understand, accept or care what his mother puts you through since he's not dealing with it. I've had numerous arguments due to his reluctance to even acknowledge the problem. Therefore, put yourself, your comfort and needs first because no one else will. You're his wife and your happiness is important. You don't have to sacrifice yourself for them simply because his mother cannot give you the respect you deserve.

Stop caring and you'll be happier. Do what is best for you.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

SahmIam — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 16:43:21 GMT

@Karen2722 Hi and welcome to the forum!

My response is coming from a place of personal experience. It isn't burping but stay with me and perhaps you might find a common issue/some ideas for dealing with your MIL.

1) Dementia could be a part of it but your post stating your husband grew up with it and is used to it tells me it isn't. She's simply rude or gross OR (and I'd go with this) get's a kick out of it because it's a form of CONTROL.

2) I grew up (and I think most of us did) with a family member that no one liked due to their behavior but was told to tolerate it because the person is "family". I watched my dad, the drunk, ruin every situation I can remember be it holidays, weddings, reunions, birthdays, weekends, etc. No one ever said a thing. EVER. Maybe because another uncle was doing the same thing! However, this uncle was also a "Toucher". Found out later how every female cousin had dealt with his hands, his kisses, etc. I was a teen when he tried it out on me and he found out instantly I don't tolerate that sh*t. When I told my mom, I was told to say nothing because...."we don't want to make things difficult and he's family". He's dead now and that's when we found out so much more about my Auntie's husband and what people "tolerated" because he was family.

You see my point? They tolerate her behavior because no one wants to deal with her. The outcome. I'm willing to bet she's not the easiest person to deal with on a daily basis. I'm willing to bet her kids (and others) have said something to her and she's told them to F-off. They tolerate it because...she's family.

I refuse to do that as an adult. So, you have choices. You don't sit across from her. Sitting arrangements are probably in place because NO ONE ELSE wants to be across from her and you're nice and well...you get walked over. Your husband isn't going to do anything; you already spoke to him and you have his response. So it's up to you to accept or change YOUR situation because I guarantee you NO ONE ELSE is going to change theirs. Btw, her staring is also a rude behavior and is considered a form of intimidation. She knows exactly what she's doing. If she does this to you only, well....you can figure it out.

Think about it. I wish you all the best with this. Just remember: people can only walk over you when you allow it.

Re: Question regarding manners with adults

151949 — Tue, 17 Apr 2018 16:59:05 GMT

I'd say Why are you staring at me - do you need something?