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Raising a fair and open-minded kid

feline groovy — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 00:29:00 GMT

How to raise a 'feminist' in 6 not-so-easy steps

USA TODAYPublished 8:12 a.m. ET March 5, 2018 | Updated 8:16 a.m. ET March 5, 2018

In almost every society, from Baltimore to Beijing, boys are told from a young age to go outside and have adventures, while young girls are encouraged to stay home and do chores.

Many parents tell their children that when they grow up, they can be anything they want. For that to be true, experts say, we must raise them as feminists. Teaching kids feminism means emphasizing that everyone deserves equal respect and equal opportunities.

USA TODAY spoke with Kimberly Churches, the CEO of the American Association of University Women, a non-profit organization that advances equality for women and girls, and Ted Bunch, chief development officer of A Call to Men, a violence prevention organization that focuses on reframing the definition of manhood, to get their tips on how to raise the next generation of feminists in a post-#MeToo era.

1: Fight stereotypes — including your own

We all have unconscious gender biases. These are the things we've internalized — like seeing a woman in scrubs and thinking she's a nurse rather than a surgeon, or assuming that girls cry more easily and boys are more aggressive.

"We can’t allow our boys or our girls to grow and change if we don’t first examine our own stereotypical thinking," Churches said.

Such biases were given to us by parents, teachers and mentors, and were reinforced by media and society at large. Bunch says dads who tell their boys not to cry, for example, likely had fathers who didn't openly display emotion.

"It's passed down from generation to generation," he said.

Gender stereotypes become entrenched in adolescence and are proven to have negative impacts that carry into adulthood. Because they take hold early in life, it's important to be mindful of them.

"It's kind of like the hum of the refrigerator — you never notice it until you think about it," Bunch said.

2: Show kids how it's done

If you want to raise feminist children, be a feminist parent. If you have a partner, make sure your relationship shows equity and mutual respect.

We must show kids what "healthy relationships look like," Churches said.

At home, avoid adhering to traditional gender roles. If mom never changes a lightbulb and dad never helps clean, that sends message to kids about roles for men and women. Try to divide chores and activities in your family in an unbiased way. Of course, if dad hates cooking and mom loves it, there's nothing wrong with her taking on meals. Just like there's nothing wrong with your daughter saying she'd rather mow the lawn than wash the dishes.

3: Encourage friendships between boys and girls

Opposite-sex friendships are normal and healthy. When girls only play with other girls and boys only play with other boys, it reinforces gender stereotypes.

"I remember when my daughter started kindergarten in a new school, the moms came to me and said 'Lets get all the girls together.' And I resisted that, and I then hosted my own playdates with boys and girls, so I could let my child figure out who she wanted to play with," Churches said.

If your daughter is having a birthday party, make sure the boys in her class get invites, too, experts advise. Explore co-ed activities. And if a girl and a boy do develop a friendship, definitely don't call them "boyfriend and girlfriend." Boys and girls need to understand they can interact in friendly ways that are strictly platonic.

4: Talk about consent

If your child says he or she doesn't want to give a family member a hug, respect that. Talk openly about boundaries, and how words are used to enforce them.

"[It's] important for us to be teaching our boys and our girls the power of words ... to ensure safety," Churches said.

As children grow into adolescents, it's important to emphasize to young men especially that sex is not about "the conquest," Bunch said.

In a Harvard survey, 76% of young people said they'd never had a conversation with their parents about how to avoid sexually harassing others, and a majority had never talked with their parents about misogyny. More than 60% said they had never spoken with their parents about "being sure your partner wants to have sex and is comfortable doing so before having sex," while 57% said they'd never talked about the "importance of not having sex with someone who is too intoxicated or impaired to make a decision about sex."

5: Pay attention to what happens outside your home

Look closely at the messages your child is getting when he or she isn't at home, especially at school, Churches said.

"Very frequently when our P-12 schools are teaching American history it becomes all about the founding fathers, and you don’t see replicated photos of the women who helped to pave the way," she said.

Make sure schools are teaching holistically about men and women leaders, Churches said, and about "who can be our heroes and heroines today."

6: Follow your child's lead

Don't make assumptions about what your child likes based on gender. Let them show you. Your daughter may prefer her blocks over her Barbies, and your son may gravitate toward more nurturing toys. Just last month, popular doll line American Girl introduced its first boy.

"What if, in raising children we focus on ability instead of gender? What if we focus on interest instead of gender? . . . . The problem with gender is that it prescribes how we should be rather than recognize how we are"

"It’s not just about those differences between the sexes, there are differences among human beings," Churches said. "I think one of the biggest things here when we’re thinking about raising feminist boys and girls is not to overgeneralize or make assumptions ... and to really celebrate those differences and follow our children’s leads."

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

QVCkitty1 — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 00:33:36 GMT

Good article, thanks.

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

Noel7 — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 00:53:35 GMT

It’s not hard to do, be a role model. Girls will follow your lead and assume that’s the way it’s supposed to be, and it is

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

PA Mom-mom — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 02:23:14 GMT

My brothers and I were raised to be servants to our fellow human beings, as required by our faith. Naturally, it never occurred to us that we were to act or be treated differently because we were different genders. We were asked by our parents to do our best to give of ourselves every day. It didn't occur to me about biases. Until I had children. It wasn't about gender differences. It was about music and art. Do you say, "turn off that lousy music!" or "I think that looks ugly!" I remember the time my daughter was taking her young toddler past a few neighborhood houses, and she stopped in front of a house and said, "look at that pretty house!" I said to her, "So only the expensive houses are pretty?"

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

Noel7 — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 02:46:37 GMT

@PA Mom-momwrote:
My brothers and I were raised to be servants to our fellow human beings, as required by our faith. Naturally, it never occurred to us that we were to act or be treated differently because we were different genders. We were asked by our parents to do our best to give of ourselves every day. It didn't occur to me about biases. Until I had children. It wasn't about gender differences. It was about music and art. Do you say, "turn off that lousy music!" or "I think that looks ugly!" I remember the time my daughter was taking her young toddler past a few neighborhood houses, and she stopped in front of a house and said, "look at that pretty house!" I said to her, "So only the expensive houses are pretty?"

@PA Mom-mom

I doubt a toddler would have any concept of the economics involved in housing. She just saw something she thought was pretty.

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

Sooner — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 02:50:22 GMT

@Noel7wrote:
@PA Mom-momwrote:
My brothers and I were raised to be servants to our fellow human beings, as required by our faith. Naturally, it never occurred to us that we were to act or be treated differently because we were different genders. We were asked by our parents to do our best to give of ourselves every day. It didn't occur to me about biases. Until I had children. It wasn't about gender differences. It was about music and art. Do you say, "turn off that lousy music!" or "I think that looks ugly!" I remember the time my daughter was taking her young toddler past a few neighborhood houses, and she stopped in front of a house and said, "look at that pretty house!" I said to her, "So only the expensive houses are pretty?"

@PA Mom-mom

I doubt a toddler would have any concept of the economics involved in housing. She just saw something she thought was pretty.

So we have something against expensive????? Does that make it bad? The people in it bad? Are poor people bad?

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

PA Mom-mom — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 02:58:23 GMT

Sorry, I forgot to mention that she picked out the only expensive house in the neighborhood and forgot to allow my grandson to think there might be beauty in the other houses. Why just that one? A predjudicial statement to decide that one was the only one with beauty.

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

Noel7 — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 03:09:21 GMT

@PA Mom-momwrote:
Sorry, I forgot to mention that she picked out the only expensive house in the neighborhood and forgot to allow my grandson to think there might be beauty in the other houses. Why just that one? A predjudicial statement to decide that one was the only one with beauty.

You must be kidding. A toddler would have no concept of housing cost. Nor would her innocent comment cut off her brother’s ability to think for himself.

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

puttypiesmom — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 05:19:17 GMT

When I was a toddler I knew that a shiny new car was special. It was not a stretch at all for me to also notice that they were parked on the driveways of the pretty homes. No education in economics was needed. I also looked at the shapes of the cars and knew instinctively that a vw bug was cheaper than a cadillac. Still, no training in economics was needed; more still I knew what was parked on our own driveway reflected a lower socio-economic rung. Sometimes kids are smart.

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

Noel7 — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 06:25:31 GMT

@puttypiesmomwrote:
When I was a toddler I knew that a shiny new car was special. It was not a stretch at all for me to also notice that they were parked on the driveways of the pretty homes. No education in economics was needed. I also looked at the shapes of the cars and knew instinctively that a vw bug was cheaper than a cadillac. Still, no training in economics was needed; more still I knew what was parked on our own driveway reflected a lower socio-economic rung. Sometimes kids are smart.

A toddler is a child 12 to 36 months old, @puttypiesmom

You’re telling us you were gifted with that kind of knowledge and cognitive powers at that time of your life? You knew a VW from a Cadillac and that there was even a difference in price?

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

Laura14 — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 13:59:40 GMT

This whole article is about controlling your kid's environment including a parent determining curriculum? Not their job. Supplement the academics if you feel it's insufficient. But getting in other's people's lanes is what causes most of the strife these days. And don't even get me started on "feminist" and "redefining manhood." Manhood doesn't need to be redefined especiallly by a feminist. Can we imagine the uproar if a male sexist wanted to redefine womanhood?

Parents need to teach their kids appropriate behavior and manners. The rest should really be left to the child with some necessary guidance here and there.

The only one you control or redefine is yourself, period. Even your kid has a mind of his/her own which needs to be respected. Live your own life. Don't expect a do over through your child. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Everything else will fall into place.

And if you really want openmindedness, expose your kid to everything. Ignorance is what breeds fear and judgement.

Most people who don't like something have never tried it, seen it, met it, experienced it, etc. Give your child good AND bad experiences and they'll figure most of the rest out on their own. Be available for their questions and let them develop the #1 skills I think we all need to have to really be successful in this world: empathy and respect

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

151949 — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 12:53:45 GMT

In order for children to be fair and open minded they need to have fair and open minded parents. Sadly, truely open minded parents are in short supply in this country.

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

Oznell — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 13:32:51 GMT

Wow, @Laura14, well said. I also balked at the very idea of feminists urging a 'redefinition' of manhood. If we concentrate on instilling-- and modeling-- good ol' integrity, honor, respect, and good manners, no "redefining" is needed.

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

jaxs mom — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 13:39:33 GMT

Yes, very good article.

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

RetRN — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 13:39:41 GMT

@Noel7wrote:
It’s not hard to do, be a role model. Girls will follow your lead and assume that’s the way it’s supposed to be, and it is

Depends on what you consider a good role model, your connotation is different from others. Your statement is pointless.

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

SahmIam — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 13:45:47 GMT

#4 and #5 stand out to me for two reasons:

1) Referring to #4: I hate the idea that if someone says "they're sorry" that it makes everything better. TRUST me, it doesn't. A child does NOT have to hug someone and does NOT have to accept an apology when he/she and you KNOW it's not sincere. It's also how kids learn to be victims when they're taught to accept the bullying when they hear their parent say "oh, it's okay" to another parent and/or child when something negative happens.

2) Referring to #5: You have to make sure that you supplement what is being taught in school regarding history because SO MUCH is being left out and often what is taught is...altered to make it PC. Yep, it is. This applies to public, private and religious schools. Again, first hand experience here.

In the end, we are products of those who raise us. Once adults, we have the ability to NOT repeat what we were taught when it's ugly and take the steps to heal/change ourselves so we can ensure that the cycle stops with us. Getting adults to actually DO that, however..... a whole different story.

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

NicksmomESQ — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 14:00:24 GMT

There is nothing complicated about raising an open minded child.It’s not rocket science. DH & I did it.

My son doesn’t have a prejudiced bone in his body because we don’t.He also has the utmost respect for women. If a child doesn’t hear racist or prejudicial comments at home he won’t learn them. If a child comes home from school repeating garbage it’s up to the parents to set him/ her straight.

When my son was in preschool he told me about a boy who wanted to be his friend.The child had “dark skin” & approached him & another boy.The other boy pulled my son away & said “no go away”.

I sat my son down & had a long talk with him.The next day he approached the boy & gave him a lollipop.They’ve been friends for 20 years!!

“Love can build a bridge”. That’s all it takes!!

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

151949 — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 14:11:16 GMT

My father was taken out of school in 3rd grade & put to work in a candy factory by his stepfather. As were all his older brothers & sisters. As a result my Mom was the real bread winner in our family. She had a much better job than my Dad's and really supported our family. However, NEVER , EVER, did she ever do or say anything that would demean my father or make him feel he was less of a man or less important because of his lack of education. THAT IS A ROLE MODEL. It doesn't have to be done on a large scale - simply every day life and your child seeing you being the person Jesus taught us to be is sufficient.

When I was leaving home to go to nursing school my Mom's only piece of advice was to remember to be the person you were taught to be in Sunday school.

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

Mominohio — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 14:26:13 GMT

@Noel7wrote:
@PA Mom-momwrote:
Sorry, I forgot to mention that she picked out the only expensive house in the neighborhood and forgot to allow my grandson to think there might be beauty in the other houses. Why just that one? A predjudicial statement to decide that one was the only one with beauty.

You must be kidding. A toddler would have no concept of housing cost. Nor would her innocent comment cut off her brother’s ability to think for himself.

Sorry, but this does happen. I have a nephew that when young did the same thing when taken back to the neighborhood my brother and I grew up in. The homes are stunningly old beautiful homes, but smaller, closer together, and with tiny yards, unlike where they were being raised in high dollar suburbia.

And they know it because of what they hear. Parents making comments about housing as they drive through different areas, what is on the TV all day, what playmates bring to the table, as well as kids at their day cares or pre schools, and what they see in picture books even.

They may not understand housing cost, but they differentiate the levels of the socio economic spectrum very early.

Re: Raising a fair and open-minded kid

dex — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 14:33:43 GMT

@Laura14 I love what you wrote.I would also add that we need to give confidence to our children.The strong belief in yourself to do what you think is right or best no matter what others think or say.My son has this and I think that is what makes him such a caring and thoughtful man.He can lift others up without feeling a loss to himself.