topic Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET in Community Chat

MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

Shanus — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:09:11 GMT

Mom will be 90 in July, so some forgetfulness is expected. She’s living on her own with an aid 3 hrs. each morning to help w/ showers, dressing, light housekeeping. There is assisted living available on the property of the gated community.

She is mentally sharp & still pays her own bills, checkbook, banking, etc. She’s forgetting which way to turn when in the car, forgets to take cell phone (so driving w/o it in case of emergency), having difficulty remembering what she wanted to say mid-conversation, etc.

My Dad passed away before he got to this point, so no experience with this.

Opinions?

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

qualitygal — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:11:32 GMT

Can someone drive her? That sounds very dangerous. Forgetfulness scares them too, and she may be relieved to turn that over. She can always "assist the driver".

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

Lucky Charm — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:17:17 GMT

The driving is worrisome.

If she needs assistance everyday for showering/dressing and housekeeping, maybe she shouldn't be driving.

Could the aide help with that--get your mom's errands done in the 3 hr. timeframe.

Mom could go along, too. I see plenty of older/elderly women out with their aides/caretakers at the grocery store, salons, etc.

It's great that she likes to drive, so do I! But forgetting which way to turn, could turn into forgetting what a red stop sign is for. Very dangerous for everyone at that point. And you don't want it to get to that point.

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

seaBreeze — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:29:35 GMT

My MIL is 90 ... sadly, she recently stopped driving for the reason you mentioned. For your mother's safety and others, perhaps it is time she has another source of transportation.

This is something most of us baby-boomers have to face if we are fortunate to still have our parent(s) ... our choices to protect are never easy when it comes from love.

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

Shanus — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:30:17 GMT

@Lucky Charmwrote:
The driving is worrisome.

If she needs assistance everyday for showering/dressing and housekeeping, maybe she shouldn't be driving.

Could the aide help with that--get your mom's errands done in the 3 hr. timeframe.

Mom could go along, too. I see plenty of older/elderly women out with their aides/caretakers at the grocery store, salons, etc.

It's great that she likes to drive, so do I! But forgetting which way to turn, could turn into forgetting what a red stop sign is for. Very dangerous for everyone at that point. And you don't want it to get to that point.

@Lucky Charm Lucky for us, she started using a walker which was difficult for her to fold, lift & put in trunk. We thought, “Yay, answer to our prayers”. She was able to purchase one that’s lightweight and easier to manage. I was with her Sat. & although she can fold/put in trunk, still has to get from trunk to driver’s door w/o it. That’s what I’m using as a reason to not drive.

On Monday, she said the aid went with her to the doc. I gave her props for not driving, but she told me that aid rode along to handle walker, but Mom drove. Oh, no!

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

haddon9 — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:33:31 GMT

My mom is 91 and still lives in the 55 & over community that she and my dad moved into 25 years ago. My dad passed away in 1998 and mom is still very sharp so I don't have any experience with forgetfulness.

However my mom was in an accident two years ago. She was in a casino with a friend and a man came up from behind her, tripped while running and he fell on top of her bringing her down and breaking her neck. She's recovered somewhat but now has an aide with her 7 days a week (different one on the weekend) from 8 am to 6pm. She stopped driving and the aides now take her to where she wants & needs to go.

My brother and I have suggested assisted or independent living with some assistance but she's stubborn and doesn't want to move. As long as she has help and is still mentally sharp she will remain where she wishes.

She really only needs an aide for a few hours each day for the same reasons that your mom does ....showers, dressing, some light housekeeping and meal prep...but the aides are also companions for her. Over the years her friends have either passed or moved to assisted living. She has one close friend left.

I'm interested seeing other comments and suggestions.

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

Shanus — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:33:54 GMT

@seaBreezewrote:
My MIL is 90 ... sadly, she recently stopped driving for the reason you mentioned. For your mother's safety and others, perhaps it is time she has another source of transportation.

This is something most of us baby-boomers have to face if we are fortunate to still have our parent(s) ... our choices to protect are never easy when it comes from love.

My son and I are trying to take charge of this, but she claims she’ll be a prisoner w/o her car & going where she wants. Of course, the facility offers free van service, but she refuses to wait while each person shops at their grocery store. She’d miss Bold & Beautiful. Lol

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

Lucky Charm — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:35:36 GMT

@haddon9wrote:
My mom is 91 and still lives in the 55 & over community that she and my dad moved into 25 years ago. My dad passed away in 1998 and mom is still very sharp so I don't have any experience with forgetfulness.

However my mom was in an accident two years ago. She was in a casino with a friend and a man came up from behind her, tripped while running and he fell on top of her bringing her down and breaking her neck. She's recovered somewhat but now has an aide with her 7 days a week (different one on the weekend) from 8 am to 6pm. She stopped driving and the aides now take her to where she wants & needs to go.

My brother and I have suggested assisted or independent living with some assistance but she's stubborn and doesn't want to move. As long as she has help and is still mentally sharp she will remain where she wishes.

She really only needs an aide for a few hours each day for the same reasons that your mom does ....showers, dressing, some light housekeeping and meal prep...but the aides are also companions for her. Over the years her friends have either passed or moved to assisted living. She has one close friend left.

I'm interested seeing other comments and suggestions.

OMGosh, Haddon! A broken neck. That's horrible. I can't even imagine.

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

Lucky Charm — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:39:24 GMT

Would she consider Uber or Lyft?

I've never used either before, but know people who do. Doesn't seem like a taxi, which I've done that before and you feel like your in a taxi. lol

Maybe one time you're up there, call Uber and take her to lunch using that. She may like the idea of a 'personal driver'. No waiting for other shoppers and she can scurry back to see B&B.

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

haddon9 — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:40:40 GMT

Yes she spent 2 weeks in rehab then an aide (a different one than who she has now) came to live with her for 9 months. I went down to Fl for a month to help her. It was awful and I felt so bad for her...what crappy luck!

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

NickNack — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:43:14 GMT

I think the driving is a very serious situation. I would at least tell the aide not to ride in the car with her. I'm very surprised she rode with her. What if your mother had a wreck and killed or seriously injured the passenger? I feel it's imperative that you get her to stop driving. Maybe her doctor could tell her she shouldn't be driving. Anyone in the beginning stages of dementia, which is what forgetfulness is, should not be driving.

We went through something with my father a couple of years ago. He lived in a house with steps and couldn't face the fact that he shouldn't be going up and down the steps all the time. He fell and ended up in Rehab and from Rehab we moved him to the town where my sister and I live. He's now in an Independent Living facility where he has a small aprtment and three meals a day provided for him in their dining room. It's a nice place with other activities of course. He had to give up driving when he moved here.

He shouldn't have been driving when he was in his home, but with my sister and I not living in that town we didn't really realize how bad it was. He has memory problems and is on two different drugs for it. I now pay all his bills and keep up with his checking account. He still handles his investments, but I have the authority to do so if necessary.

He didn't want to leave his home, but his doctor told him he should and he very much respected his doctor. He still argued with us about it but in the end agreed to move.

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

cherry — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:45:49 GMT

@Shanus I would contact her Dr. and the Dept of Motor vehicles, they might not call it that anymore, but you .know the place that issues her driving license

This might crop up with them ,more than you know. They could demand she be tested..Her Dr might say no more driving. It wouldn't put all of this on you, and make her mad at you. She might not pass the test

It sounds like she should give up drving

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

chrystaltree — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:54:17 GMT

She shouldn't be driving! So, shame on you or not dealing with that.

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

blackhole99 — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 15:54:46 GMT

My MIL at 89 prided herself on being mentally sharp or sharp as a tack as she used to say. MIL never let anyone check on what she was doing with her finances or bills until she was hospitalized and couldn't do it anymore. We found out pretty quickly that she was not sharp as a tack and owed money all over the place even to the IRS. MIL had not been driving since she broke her hip, but was counting the days until she would be driving again. She died a year later so we never had to deal with that issue. I think when the elderly live alone it's dangerous all the way around, they can not or will not accept the fact that they are indeed limited mentally and physically. We wonder how many times my MIL fell at home and never let us know or didn't remember until she fell and broke her hip. My MIL died at home, she should have been in a nursing home, but she would not consent to that. Thank goodness for her grandson who was with her until the end. Good luck with your Mom.

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

Imaoldhippie — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 16:03:10 GMT

Im sure your local police dept would be the "bad" guy here and come to the house, chat with her and take her license. If they cant do that for legal reasons, then ask her doctor to write a note to them saying she should not be driving. There are many ways for a person to get around these days, taxi, bus, county transit, etc.

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

OKPrincess — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 16:05:31 GMT

You are so blessed to still have your parents. However it’s time for her to stop driving. Of course easier said than done. I’m sure you’ll do what’s right.

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

Carmie — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 16:14:09 GMT

@Shanus You already know what you have to do. At this point in your mother's life, a car is a weapon.

It Is just a matter of time before she is in an accident. If she is having problems with remembering, plus has physical difficulties that make it hard for her to react in a situaltion to avoid an accident, she should not be driving.

Recently, a family member that I take care of and my older sister were both “taken off the road”. Neither was happy about it. Both are in their late 70’s. When I took my family member to the doctor, I asked him if she should be driving..he said ”NO”. Her reaction time was not fast enough to be driving. He sent paperwork to the state to revoke her license.

For my sister, we spoke to her about it, more than once, and she finally agreed. We sold the car for her ASAP because we knew she would change her mind.

i drive both of these women to appointments, shopping and anywhere else they want to go.

We went though this with my MIL too. She would drive to the mall and forget where she parked. Then she would ask some “nice people” if they would drive her home. My DH would have to go to the mall after closing hours to look for her car. She would also drive to church and forget how to get home, so she would show up at my BIL house and ask him.

When she spent a couple of days in the hospital, her children took her car away. She threw a fit, but she got over it.

My friend’s FIL did not make out so good. He accidently made a wrong turn and traveled down an off ramp to a major highway and hit someone who was exiting. He was killed and seriously injured the other driver.

You know there is a problem or you wouldn’t have posted about it. It’s not gonna be easy, but you need to get your mother off of the road before she hurts or kill someone. I am surprised her aid gets into the car with her. What is she thinking? I know I wouldn’t do it.

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

Shanus — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 16:20:48 GMT

@cherrywrote:
@Shanus I would contact her Dr. and the Dept of Motor vehicles, they might not call it that anymore, but you .know the place that issues her driving license

This might crop up with them ,more than you know. They could demand she be tested..Her Dr might say no more driving. It wouldn't put all of this on you, and make her mad at you. She might not pass the test

It sounds like she should give up drving

@cherry Covered the driving issue here last year and may have been you w/ this great advice. The doc would take no responsibility & left it to DMV. As luck would have it, her license needed to be renewed last July. We all thought. Yes, problem solved, but she passed the test at 89!!!!

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

Shanus — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 16:24:45 GMT

@blackhole99wrote:
My MIL at 89 prided herself on being mentally sharp or sharp as a tack as she used to say. MIL never let anyone check on what she was doing with her finances or bills until she was hospitalized and couldn't do it anymore. We found out pretty quickly that she was not sharp as a tack and owed money all over the place even to the IRS. MIL had not been driving since she broke her hip, but was counting the days until she would be driving again. She died a year later so we never had to deal with that issue. I think when the elderly live alone it's dangerous all the way around, they can not or will not accept the fact that they are indeed limited mentally and physically. We wonder how many times my MIL fell at home and never let us know or didn't remember until she fell and broke her hip. My MIL died at home, she should have been in a nursing home, but she would not consent to that. Thank goodness for her grandson who was with her until the end. Good luck with your Mom.

@blackhole99 Appreciate your input. Dh is tax acct. & does her tax returns, has copies of her bank statements and access to bank acct. online so we can check if there’s slip ups.

She has refused to move closer to me, so the aides for 3 hrs. are our only choice.

Re: MOM IS BEGINNING TO FORGET

cherry — Thu, 22 Feb 2018 16:28:09 GMT

@Shanus You could still contact them ,and mention you have observed changes in her driving abilities, at her age they might be interested in this