topic Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This.......... in Community Chat

Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

YorkieonmyPillow — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 22:49:04 GMT

I have a situation.

My daughter (23) is in love with, and planning to marry a "man" that is trash, IMO. They are not officially engaged but they have discussed marriage and agree on most things and plan to get engaged when they are more financially stable.

He lives at home with his parents and my daughter lives with me.

I'm not going to go into the specifics of why he is trash because that would get picked apart and I don't want that to be the focus of the thread.

For the purpose of discussion, please just take my word for it. He has irreperably harmed my daughter - he is trash and his mother is a BLEEP.

I liked him when I met him, but he has since done something to my daughter that shows he has very poor character - TO PUT IT MILDLY.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how to handle this. If indeed they do actually get married, which I doubt, I don't know how I would deal with seeing him and his mother at the wedding. (His mother was involved, in an indirect way).

I usually feel like "it's their life" and so on; but this thing has stepped over the line. I could never have any sort of cordial relationship with him after what he has done. It is on the level of physical abuse although it's not that exactly. But it is that serious, at least, to me. I just don't know how I can EVER be in the same room with him, much less have a relationship, even "hello, goodbye," because of what he has done. My daughter is lovestruck and thinks what he did is okay, but she has no idea.

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

Big Joanie — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 22:52:37 GMT

I just wanted to say quickly that I am so sorry for you for this ....

I may have more thoughts on this later ....

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

threecees — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 22:56:03 GMT

Unfortunately your daughter is going to have to see for herself that he is no good for her.

You can only say and do so much. She will not listen until she is hurt more.

I hope that they do not get engaged.

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

Katcat1 — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 22:56:35 GMT

@YorkieonmyPillow Your daughter is very young and could this possibly be he first love? All you can do is give your opinion and tell her that if a man loves you he won't ________________. If a man respects you he won't __________________. THis way you said how you feel and the way things are in love and life. That's all you can do. If they did get married it is up to you whether you want to be involved.

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

YorkieonmyPillow — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:02:52 GMT

If they do actually get married - which I doubt - IDK if I should attend the wedding, feeling the way I do. On the other hand, how could I miss my daughter's wedding?

I guess what I'm asking is: am I obligated to have a relationship with, and/or tolerate him because he is married to my daughter?

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

Q4u — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:03:13 GMT

I am so sorry this is happening to your family... all I can offer is probably what you already know, that the more you oppose him and his mother (in any way, even by not acknowledging them) the more your daughter will dig in regarding him. I'd say to be civil, as socially that's all that's required....

Good luck .....

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

Jordan2 — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:25:15 GMT

I know as a mother you must be heartbroken over this, and I'm sorry. Your daughter is an adult, so there isn't really much you can do. Unfortunately she will have to find out for herself how wrong he is for her. You need her to know whatever happens, you love her and will be there for her no matter what, without being judgmental, with no "I told you so". Good luck to you and your daughter.

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

YorkieonmyPillow — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:07:00 GMT

@Q4u wrote:
I am so sorry this is happening to your family... all I can offer is probably what you already know, that the more you oppose him and his mother (in any way, even by not acknowledging them) the more your daughter will dig in regarding him. I'd say to be civil, as socially that's all that's required....

Good luck .....

@Q4u That is true, but I know they are serious about each other....there's nothing I can do to change that and I have accepted that....what I am confused about, is my "role," if any....I don't want to have anything to do with him.

Of course my daughter is the priority but she really made her bed with this situation.

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

GCR18 — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:10:33 GMT

My sister dated a guy that nobody liked when she was about 25. He did something that the family thought was unforgivable. She actually broke up with him over it, then a week later she forgave him. Eventually, they eloped. The marriage lasted 20 years and produced two children. It basically ruined her life. There was no talking to my sister. Our parents were so disappointed and worried about her. Holiday gatherings were usually unpleasant.

You need to be careful not to force your daughter into his arms. It may make her takes sides. Is there someone not so close to the situation that can talk with her? An aunt/uncle or godparent.

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

GCR18 — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:14:21 GMT

@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:
@Q4u wrote:
I am so sorry this is happening to your family... all I can offer is probably what you already know, that the more you oppose him and his mother (in any way, even by not acknowledging them) the more your daughter will dig in regarding him. I'd say to be civil, as socially that's all that's required....

Good luck .....
@Q4u That is true, but I know they are serious about each other....there's nothing I can do to change that and I have accepted that....what I am confused about, is my "role," if any....I don't want to have anything to do with him.

Of course my daughter is the priority but she really made her bed with this situation.

I don't think you have a role if you won't talk to him. I'm guessing your daughter will take his side and you will have limited or no involvement. Hopefully I am wrong.

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

LTT1 — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:14:56 GMT

@YorkieonmyPillow

If you push, you may lose your daughter.

I guess I mean, if you make her choose between the two of you.

And it remains to be seen how much you will have to tolerate of him.

I'm so sorry this is happening. 💙🙏🏻

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

Carmie — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:18:21 GMT

Your roll is you are the mother of the bride, should they happen to get married. The best thing to do is go with the flow. Don’t be rude or overly friendly. Just be polite and use your manners. Treat her “ man” and his mother the same way you would anyone else that you just met.

if you go out of your way to be standoffish or rude, you daughter will try to protect them. She will move further from you and closer to them. Try to stay neutral.

i have been there and done that a few times. My daughter almost married two jerks and she dated them back to back.

finally, she came to her senses and decided to break everything off both times.. The first guy stalked her afterward and the second one just moved on...to marry one of her friends. Their marriage lasted about six months. He is now on wife number three.

The first one who stalked her is in prison on unrelated charges.

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

blackhole99 — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:21:58 GMT

I was devastated when my son broke up with his doctor girlfriend after Xmas last year. I knew he was never going to do any better than this woman, she was caring and lovely.IMO When I asked him if I raised a crazy person, he said "Mom this woman and I do not have enough in common to get married". She evidently thought she was getting an engagement ring for Xmas and when she unwrapped a case of wine and a funny Xmas sweater, I guess she knew that was it. I guess my point is, you can't live their lives for them. They know what they want and what they are willing to put up with, it's on them. If you can't go along with the program and be happy for her, just be honest and don't go to the wedding.

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

YorkieonmyPillow — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:22:44 GMT

I wouldn't attempt to talk her out of the relationship and/or marriage - it's too late. She is absolutely in love with him, period; there's nothing to talk about. I've accepted that.

I just don't want to have anything to do with him. My daughter and I are fine; we just don't talk about him. Perhaps that is the way it will be handled although I will still have to decide if I will attend their wedding, if it occurs.....

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

itsmetoo — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:57:20 GMT

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it's easier said than done but maybe try not to worry about it so much at this point since you said a few times that you doubt they will even get married. I agree with the others who said you have to tread lightly here or you will just push her further into his arms. And if you make her choose, most likely she will choose him over you. Good luck with this sad situation.

@YorkieonmyPillow

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

Mz iMac — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:25:38 GMT

@YorkieonmyPillow

"It is on the level of physical abuse although it's not that exactly. But it is that serious"

Then report it to the police! You can do so anonymously if you wish. Let them decide if the matter should be criminally investigated.

Abuse & abusers should not be taken lightly. period!

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

YorkieonmyPillow — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:29:45 GMT

@Mz iMac Thanks but there's nothing to report to the police. It wasn't physical abuse.

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

Mz iMac — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:33:24 GMT

@YorkieonmyPillow

Abuse is abuse! Does not have to be physical.

Mental

Emotional

etc., etc., etc.

All abuses is a CRIME in this country.

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

YorkieonmyPillow — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:37:17 GMT

I asked my DH (her step-dad) what he thought, and he said he wouldn't worry about it right now because they probably won't even get married.

I guess it is a bit soon to worry about. I was hoping that whomever she married would be someone nice that would add to our lives, and someone I could love. I guess I'm disappointed.

Re: Trying to Figure Out How to Ask This..........

Love my grandkids — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 23:40:57 GMT

I feel for you. Just think on this: If you skip the wedding, it will cause a big breach between the two of you and push her closer to him and his mother.

I pray for her sake it doesn't happen.