topic Re: Therapy for grief in Community Chat

Therapy for grief

Beautiful life — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 23:29:17 GMT

I had my second therapy session. Mom died almost two months ago. I was wondering

what your therapy was like. The visit is like a repeat of the first visit. I like the lady but was wondering if you had therapy for loss what yours was like? I still cry everyday, feel empty. Still have the what ifs.

Maybe group therapy would help, not finding any at the time I can attend. I was trying to find online support groups they all seem old or not really active.

Re: Therapy for grief

violann — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 23:37:16 GMT

I found a pamphlet at Church that you might find helpful, Firestripes.

I'll post the name and source tomorrow.

Do you have a church affiliation? They are sometimes said to be helpful.

I think every human who has lost a treasured loved one has "what iifs". I sure do. Keep looking.You may be surprised to find comfort in unusual and unexpected places.

If you come upon something that helps, please post it here?

Re: Therapy for grief

catwhisperer — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 23:37:25 GMT

I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves differently. There are different stages of grief. Personally, I have tried individual therapy as well as group therapy. The group therapy only made me feel worse. It was very depressing. I bought several books on grief. The one that helped me the most is "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye". (((Hugs)))

Re: Therapy for grief

kivah — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 23:58:27 GMT

When my mother died 35 yrs ago, I went to a group therapy session. The leader of the group went around the room and told us to describe who we lost and something about that person. Around 4 people spoke before it was my turn, and I couldn't handle it. Soooo depressing. I didn't go back.

Thru the years, I went to at least 6 therapists because I was having major financial problems - and couldn't cope. They were all BAD!!!!!!!!!! Clueless. I realized that they have more problems than I do.

Basically, I made myself healthier on my own.

I also owe it to my little dog -- I call her my saviour.

Re: Therapy for grief

catwhisperer — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 00:08:38 GMT

@kivah...I TOTALLY agree with you. Sometimes we have to be our own advocates. JMO, but I am not a big fan of therapists and think some just say what they think you want to hear just to pacify you.

Re: Therapy for grief

brockner — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 00:12:16 GMT

The first three months are the worse. Let yourself grieve. It seems to slowly get better and time does help alot. I was 34 when my Mom died and It was very sad and painful. But time does help.

Re: Therapy for grief

Plaid Pants2 — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 00:18:41 GMT

Therapy isn't supposed to fix and solve all of your problems in only one or two visits.

It can take months of hard work to resolve issues.

You only get out of therapy what you put in to it.

Meaning, the harder that you work at therapy, the more you will get out of it.

Don't just sit there like a bump on a log, and expect the therapist to spoon feed you the answers, and to solve and fix all of your problems for you.

She/he is there to guide you on your journey of self awareness, and to help you to see things in a new/different way.

Be 100% honest with your therapist.

You are only cheating yourself out of healing if you aren't.

Don't expect your therapist to coddle you, or to hold your hand and to tell you only what you want to hear.

They may tell you things that you don't want to hear, but that you need to hear.

They aren't there to be your best friend.

They are there to help you, but only if you are willing to help yourself.

Therapy isn't supposed to be all warm and fuzzy, comfy-cozy.

It's supposed to make you uncomfortable.

Everybody's journey is different and unique.

What someone else experienced is different from your journey, and it really isn't good to compare.

Re: Therapy for grief

Laura14 — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 00:23:42 GMT

@Beautiful life I'll share with you what I did when I lost someone.

I bought a journal and just wrote to my loved one. I wrote every day to talk sometimes several times a day and it was just a short I love you and I miss you most of the time. Sometimes I shared bits of my day but normally it was just about my love and grief over them not being there anymore and missing that.

I did that for years and I still do from time to time. I am about 5-6 years down the road. The writing eventually tapers off and the pages get less tearstained. And it's not all bad. Some of those entries are actually memories of the good times because I didn't want to forget.

I have never re-read it. I just add to it when I feel the need to talk. If you are not a writer, you may want to just record on your phone or pray. Whatever works for you.

And this may be completely counter intuitive, but I just had to put everything away. Pictures, stuff, everything because every time I saw it, it just ripped my heart out. Especially when my grief was so fresh.

I placed it all away and then, as I felt I could handle it, I went and visited it from time to time when I just needed a good cry and eventually a few of the items have found their way back out as a celebration of their life rather than a reminder of their death.

I don't want to dissuade you from therapy but make sure you are engaged in other things instead of just this as your main focus in trying to heal. Constantly going over what you don't have anymore does no one any good and you don't want to spend years mourning the moment of her death instead of celebrating the decades of her life.

She wouldn't want that for you and you don't want her watching over you only to see you suffering. No loved one wants to leave that behind for their children.

It's okay to move on and steal a moment or a smile here and there. And eventually you'll string more smiles together. How long or deep you mourn isn't an expression of your love for her. It's what you do for yourself. Do it, as often as you need to, but break it up with some good moments so when she checks in on you she can smile too.

I wish you peace and I know that it will come. You just really do have to give it time. I promise you that you will eventually catch your breath. We've all been there.

Re: Therapy for grief

IMW — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 00:25:19 GMT

I am so sorry for your loss. The best thing I got from grief counseling was the idea to think of grief as an ocean, let the waves go over me, meaning don't try to stop it, go with the wave. Cry, scream it's ok.

It takes a year to start to feel normal after a major loss,

the hole that the loved one leaves always remains, but it scabs over, and eventually new experiences come into our life and we go on.

Re: Therapy for grief

esmerelda — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 00:30:37 GMT

Wow @Laura14! What wisdom!

The writing...I did and still do that. And like you I don't re-read it.

Wonderful words. I hope @Beautiful life sees them.

Re: Therapy for grief

Laura14 — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 00:34:29 GMT

@esmerelda wrote:
Wow @Laura14! What wisdom!

The writing...I did and still do that. And like you I don't re-read it.

Wonderful words. I hope @Beautiful life sees them.

@esmerelda I think it's the best kept secret in the world. I don't do a regular journal even though I write short stories like mad but it was perfect for this. I'm glad it helped you too.

Re: Therapy for grief

panda1234 — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 00:47:32 GMT

@Laura14

Beautifuly said, brought tears to my eyes. It was also good advice, I am going to start writing.

Re: Therapy for grief

kivah — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 00:51:09 GMT

I once went to this male therapist and told him of my financial problems. All he kept talking about was "how I could find a job". I know how to find a job --- I didn't need his input!!!!!

Another time, I went to a female therapist. Her waiting room was around 10'x10' (tiny) - and the "therapy room" wasn't much larger. While I was speaking to her, hercleaning lady came in and started vacuuming the waiting area. HUH!!!!!

Another time I went to another female therapist and she was LATE!!!! I waited for her to arrive. Then she told me she had to pick up her cat. OK - I give up!!!!

My best friend Brenda, who passed away last year,was married to a man who was a marriage/family therapist. Brenda dated him for at least 5 years - and then Brenda got pregnant (all planned) --- and Ben was afraid to get married or even live with her. Finally, they got married when their daughter was 2 years old - and she was the flower girl.

Most therapists NEED A THERAPIST!!!!! That's why they go into this profession.

Time does heal..

Re: Therapy for grief

adelle38 — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 01:03:43 GMT

You have to give therapy time and find the right therapist. There are very good therapists out there but you have to find the right match.

I wouldn't expect much progress after 2 sessions but if you think your wasting your time, tell the therapist. Even if you like your therapist, it doesn't mean she's the right match for you at this time. Have you asked the therapist about how to find a group. As someone mentioned, churches often have grief groups.

Healing is a journey and I wish you well on yours.

Re: Therapy for grief

texasmari — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 01:12:52 GMT

I am so glad that I stopped to read the replys. I lost my beloved husband of 25 years on May 20, 2017. I feel like I am in a fog, just going through to motions. I considered going to group therapy, but could not make myself go. I feel like I gained so many good suggestions, and am going to start a journal now. I want to thank you for your ideas. OP my deepest sympathy for your loss.

Re: Therapy for grief

catwhisperer — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 01:15:50 GMT

@texasmari...I am so sorry. (((Hugs)))

Re: Therapy for grief

Drythe — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 01:18:39 GMT

@Beautiful life

In therapy YOU do the work. Thr therapist won't tell you the answers for how YOU cope because we're all different.

The therapist will lead you through a series of questions & comments about which you should think seriously. Try to think and say WHY you feel the way you do with regards to the questions. That's how you learn what is contributing to your grief.

Expecting improvements in two sessions is really too soon.

Best wishes.

Re: Therapy for grief

dooBdoo — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 01:59:35 GMT

@kivah wrote:
I once went to this male therapist and told him of my financial problems. All he kept talking about was "how I could find a job". I know how to find a job --- I didn't need his input!!!!!
Another time, I went to a female therapist. Her waiting room was around 10'x10' (tiny) - and the "therapy room" wasn't much larger. While I was speaking to her, hercleaning lady came in and started vacuuming the waiting area. HUH!!!!!
Another time I went to another female therapist and she was LATE!!!! I waited for her to arrive. Then she told me she had to pick up her cat. OK - I give up!!!!

My best friend Brenda, who passed away last year,was married to a man who was a marriage/family therapist. Brenda dated him for at least 5 years - and then Brenda got pregnant (all planned) --- and Ben was afraid to get married or even live with her. Finally, they got married when their daughter was 2 years old - and she was the flower girl.

Most therapists NEED A THERAPIST!!!!! That's why they go into this profession.
Time does heal..

Most therapists need a therapist and do see a counselor now and then, and they don't feel shame admitting it... because there is no shame in needing a therapist. It's not an easy profession, especially for those who care deeply. And many of them do. I'm very sorry for your loss, @kivah.❤️ It's painful to lose a friend... someone close to me passed away not long ago under tragic circumstances, and I'm still broken inside and trying to sort out what happened.

There are good therapists, bad ones, and those who are average. It is not unlike any other profession in that respect.

Unfortunately, there's still a stigma regarding anything associated with mental health issues... and the tendency to negatively stereotype therapists perpetuates that stigma.

I am alive today because of caring, compassionate, gifted, dedicated therapists. May God bless each and every one of them. I add them to my list of gratitudes daily.

❤️

Re: Therapy for grief

Nightowlz — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 01:23:29 GMT

So sorry for your loss. I have never had therapy.

I cried every day for a long time. I hated it when people asked how was I or they knew how I felt. I can say the pain gets better with time but it's always remains in your heart with all the memories. My mom died 37 yrs ago today. She was only 47. I was only 22.

Re: Therapy for grief

catwhisperer — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 01:26:57 GMT

@Nightowlz...(((Hugs)))