topic Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid? in Community Chat

Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

Lipstickdiva — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 16:26:21 GMT

I have a very good friend whose daughter went off to college this year. She isn't that far away, a little over an hour. While she has her own vehicle, as a freshman she isn't allowed to have it on campus.

I guess during orientation the parents were told that it's a common problem for incoming freshman to get homesick and they recommended that parents not be accomodating in coming to get them. They told the parents they need to leave the kids at school which forces them to get involved and find things to do.

This young lady started school prior to Labor Day so she was only in school a week before the long weekend and she came home. She was taken back Labor Day night. That week she called her parents and her mom agreed to go up there on the weekend and spend Saturday with her. While her mom was there the daughter was crying and wanted to come home for the rest of the weekend so the mom brought her home and took her back again Sunday night.

The daughter calls her parents every single day, several times a day. Outside of going to her classes (they hope), she stays in her room. They know this weekend is going to come and the same thing is going to happen with her calling to come home. Although prior to her leaving they sounded like they might stick to their guns and leave her there if this situation happened but when the time came, they just can't do it.

I don't have kids but I can only imagine how hard it is to get a call from your child crying to come home. I'm not sure I would have the guts to tell them sorry, I'm not coming to get you. But I know that's what needs to be done in a lot of cases.

Anyone have experience with their child being homesick? What did you do?

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

Silver Lining — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 16:33:09 GMT

No, my eighteen-year-old wasn't homesick. I was the one who cried all weekend.

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

JobGirl — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 16:33:19 GMT

sounds like more than "homesickness"

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

Jordan2 — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 16:37:35 GMT

Maybe she lacks the maturity to have gone away to college. Maybe a gap year would have been good for her.

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

fthunt — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 16:37:59 GMT

Agree with prior posting - something else is going on. Perhaps she doesn't make friends easily or just doesn't try at all - or has an 'attitude' that turns people off - or she just wasn't ready for college. Did she get pushed into it?

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

Lipstickdiva — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 16:43:10 GMT

She is on the more quiet/shy side but she isn't a brat or snotty and her attitude isn't off-putting at all. She is a doll and a very nice kid but again, quiet and shy. She was never one in high school to have plans with friends every weekend or go to parties. She was involved in some sports. She also held a job and absolutely loved it and the people she worked with.

She wanted to go away to college and was very excited and up for it until the time actually came.

My sister was the same way when she went away and she was super outgoing. But she was horribly homesick. She called all the time begging my parents to come get her and they had to tell her no, they had other plans. My mom would hang up crying but she knew it was for the best. This went on for her first quarter and then my sister was fine. She got to the point where she never wanted to come home. LOL

I wonder if it's possible this girl doesn't like her roommate?

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

Skididdy — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 16:43:54 GMT

Oh my....VERY FAMILIAR.

Same scenerio for us. Our daughter is about 1 1/2 hrs from home. She had to go very early, AUG 11th, as she plays orchestra and band.

She is very homesick. She has good days and bad days.

At orientation they told us the same things. Actually it made much sense. It takes time, months and months, as everything these kids have ever known is different. They are young and learning life on their own for the first time in their lives.

We are taking the advice of the university. We are letting her figure things out on her own. We talk a few times a wk, she does text each day, but they say not to bumbard the kids with calls and texts, leave the ball in her court. My goodness, I miss her so so so very much, but with us our daughter is brilliant book smart, she needs to learn street and life smarts.... so for us, we need her to come into her own without making her feel deserted, and it seems to be working.

This is a learning process for parents and child for sure. My emotions are all over the place but I cannot let her feel my angst and worry. I take a deep breath and realize that we gave our girl wings to fly....we have to trust that we built those wings strong enough with all we have taught her. So we are letting our little bird fly...loving her from afar, and simply believing in her.

HARDEST THING I, AS A MOMMY , HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE.

I hope I helped a little. There is no easy answer when it comes to loving your babies all your life and you have to slowly let go.

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

Skididdy — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 16:48:58 GMT

Maybe suggest for her to join some clubs at school. This really worked for our daughter. She was able to meet more people and she seems more settled. Let her try a club that co insides with her likes and try a club totally different for her.

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

Beachgirl42 — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 16:54:59 GMT

It really is best if they can back off a bit, not be so available and willing to come up, so she learns how to get comfortable living on campus ... making new friends, joining clubs, etc. She doesn't have to party or go out, but just find like-minded students who maybe want to play games or watch a movie together.

My child just went off to college about the third week of August and I'm doing my best not to text or call too much. I try to let him dictate how much we communicate.

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

smb3 — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 16:55:22 GMT

When I was in college, I was homesick but I knew nobody was going to come get me and that I had no choice but to suck it up. On the other hand, I don't think going away to college is for everyone and if she really continues to have a problem then they can look into community college and perhaps transferring in the future if she is ready to go away. None of my kids went away for college, but my son went to visit a friend at college this past weekend for four days and I really missed him. I would have to get used to it, but he seemed to enjoy it and gives him a little touch of experience of being away on his own.

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

game-on — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 16:58:52 GMT

I would encourage the parents to make plans for a weekend. They need a break. They can take time off to not answer any calls or texts from their daughter. She surely can call or text other people.

It is time to wean this child from the tight relationship.... she needs to find some friends and activities on her own.

I would suggest that an aunt or someone else be available in case of an emergency ....

I also wonder if there is someone for the daughter to talk to on campus? a counselor?

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

JaneMarple — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 17:04:24 GMT

Yes I went through it with my oldest daughter, her campus was exactly 90 miles or an hour and a half away. she was always a tough cookie but was miserable and wanted to come home after her first semester, I was really shocked because she was head strong, independent and book smart. It took a great deal of coaxing to get her to stay. When (/11 happened she called me hysterical and I went to pick her up (they closed the University). She went to Penn state and the plane that crashed wasn't too far away.

Her twin brother on the other hand was an hour away at a different campus and was a natural. I thought that he would have been the homesick child but they proved me wrong.Their birthday wasn't until mid September so they started college at 17.

Your friend's daughter is not unusual, lots of kids get homesick, good luck to her.

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

IlliniGirl88 — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 17:06:16 GMT

@Lipstickdiva - I don't have college aged children, but when I went away to college, I didn't experience being homesick, but knew a girl who was and she went home almost every weekend. I missed my family and would have loved to have gone home more, but I went into college with the attitude that I wasn't going to immediately run home, was going to stay on campus and start finding interests and new friends, which I did. I think it's how you approach it, also school work picks up and it becomes hard to leave. After all, college was my "work" and it was my job to get good grades. (Also, my parents wouldn't have been running up and down the road 2 hrs. one way every weekend to pick me up).

Her parents are enabling her by bringing her back home, which isn't helping her or them. I know they don't want her to be sad, but they should pick a date (maybe three weeks away or so) and establish that's when she can come home. The parents could also maybe drive up to have lunch with her and spend a few hours and then leave. If she keeps leaving campus, she'll have a difficult time meeting people and making campus feel like home. College is fun and hard and it's the beginning of your adult life, she's going to miss out if she keeps running home. As hard as it may be, the parents need to introduce some tough love. I hope she can get over this and have a successful college year!

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

CelticCrafter — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 17:08:20 GMT

@Skididdy wrote:
Oh my....VERY FAMILIAR.

Same scenerio for us. Our daughter is about 1 1/2 hrs from home. She had to go very early, AUG 11th, as she plays orchestra and band.

She is very homesick. She has good days and bad days.
At orientation they told us the same things. Actually it made much sense. It takes time, months and months, as everything these kids have ever known is different. They are young and learning life on their own for the first time in their lives.

We are taking the advice of the university. We are letting her figure things out on her own. We talk a few times a wk, she does text each day, but they say not to bumbard the kids with calls and texts, leave the ball in her court. My goodness, I miss her so so so very much, but with us our daughter is brilliant book smart, she needs to learn street and life smarts.... so for us, we need her to come into her own without making her feel deserted, and it seems to be working.

This is a learning process for parents and child for sure. My emotions are all over the place but I cannot let her feel my angst and worry. I take a deep breath and realize that we gave our girl wings to fly....we have to trust that we built those wings strong enough with all we have taught her. So we are letting our little bird fly...loving her from afar, and simply believing in her.

HARDEST THING I, AS A MOMMY , HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE.

I hope I helped a little. There is no easy answer when it comes to loving your babies all your life and you have to slowly let go.

@Skididdy it sounds as if you are handling it the same way I did. Early in the school year, I would wait for her to call or text. She had never been away from home, not even sleep over summer camp, so it was hard for both of us. The empty nest wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

When she chose the school she did, I never wanted her to feel that I was holding her back and have her resent me for the rest of my life because I guilted her into staying within commuting distance of home.

It was a good month before she admitted to being homesick and wanting to come home for the weekend.

She was 4 1/2 hours away but Amtrak was within walking distance of the school and my husband would pick her up at the destination station on his way home from work.

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

Bri36 — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 17:19:01 GMT

My kids are both away this year. I just stopped crying myself. 😬

My daughter's friend is having a hard time being away. She doesn't get involved and has come home every weekend. It takes times to feel comfortable with making new friends

Is there away for her parents to let the RA know she's homesick? She might need someone to hang out with and get her out of her room?

It's tough to see them miserable...

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

JobGirl — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 17:21:14 GMT

@Jordan2 wrote:
Maybe she lacks the maturity to have gone away to college. Maybe a gap year would have been good for her.

unless she moved out on her own during that "gap" year I don't know what good another year at home would do

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

weneedtheson — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 17:21:22 GMT

Living in the dorms is really hard for some students. My daughter did everything she could to get involved. It didn't matter. She wasn't a partier and the schools really don't offer much on the weekends. No matter what the schools say to the freshman parents, they know most are going home or working on the weekends. Food services are cut down, buildings are empty and it's a very lonely place to be. Yes, they can choose to study, but let's get real. Who wants to do that for 48 hours straight, let alone find enough studying to do during the first few weeks after school starts??

We never told my daughter that she couldn't come home. The first month we did pick her up on weekends. There was NOTHING happening on campus for her to want to stay. After the school year found a little swing and she did find weekend activities with her friends sports and performances, we set up schedules of leaving and staying. She got through freshman year and tolerated the revolving door of stinky roommates. During the summer going into sophmore year, she cancelled the dorm and used her college money to buy a good commuter vehicle for the 65 mile hike.

She's in her third year now, was on the deans list all last year, volunteers as an ambassador for her department while staying involved in several clubs and is also working on campus as a tutor.

Tell your friends to just go with their gut. They are the ones who raised her and know their daughter better than the institution does.

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

SydneyH — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 17:33:00 GMT

@Lipstickdiva wrote:
I have a very good friend whose daughter went off to college this year. She isn't that far away, a little over an hour. While she has her own vehicle, as a freshman she isn't allowed to have it on campus.

I guess during orientation the parents were told that it's a common problem for incoming freshman to get homesick and they recommended that parents not be accomodating in coming to get them. They told the parents they need to leave the kids at school which forces them to get involved and find things to do.

This young lady started school prior to Labor Day so she was only in school a week before the long weekend and she came home. She was taken back Labor Day night. That week she called her parents and her mom agreed to go up there on the weekend and spend Saturday with her. While her mom was there the daughter was crying and wanted to come home for the rest of the weekend so the mom brought her home and took her back again Sunday night.

The daughter calls her parents every single day, several times a day. Outside of going to her classes (they hope), she stays in her room. They know this weekend is going to come and the same thing is going to happen with her calling to come home. Although prior to her leaving they sounded like they might stick to their guns and leave her there if this situation happened but when the time came, they just can't do it.

I don't have kids but I can only imagine how hard it is to get a call from your child crying to come home. I'm not sure I would have the guts to tell them sorry, I'm not coming to get you. But I know that's what needs to be done in a lot of cases.

Anyone have experience with their child being homesick? What did you do?

Maybe the first week he was blowing up my phone more than usual, I told him to keep busy, go to the gym, hit the library or visit a museum. He got a part time job so now of course, I haven't heard from him in close to two weeks. His father pops by once and awhile and he's a short commuter ride away from home. The period of anxiety has passed, but I don't think parents should encourage it imo.

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

Ibby114 — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 18:32:45 GMT

@Skididdy wrote:
Maybe suggest for her to join some clubs at school. This really worked for our daughter. She was able to meet more people and she seems more settled. Let her try a club that co insides with her likes and try a club totally different for her.

This was the best thing for both my kids- in HS and away at college. My daughter always made friends easily, this was just an additional outlet. My son is quiet and it can be misinterpreted- he's got friends for life now. It helped carve his career path too. School organizations are the best for bringing out the best in students, they had so few when I went to college.

Re: Anyone have experience with homesick college kid?

Montana — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 18:53:27 GMT

@Silver Lining wrote:
No, my eighteen-year-old wasn't homesick. I was the one who cried all weekend.

@Silver Lining, thanks for this LOL moment. Funny.