topic Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else? in Community Chat

Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

Moonchilde — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 00:50:49 GMT

Another thread, about grieving, started me thinking about this. It was stated several times in that thread that it's natural, usual, common, understandable, etc for the adult child of a parent who dies to objectify them, see no wrong, defend them, see them only in a kind, loving light, etc.

I have had the opposite experience, and I wonder how common or uncommon it is. During her lifetime, my mother could do no wrong AFAIC. I loved her dearly - at least, I needed her presence in my life, and went through abuse (not physical) to maintain it. I would have done almost anything for her - and did do things I shouldn't have had to do in order to "stay loved."

I have found that since she died (3-1/2 years ago), there are literally almost no "happy" loving memories. She was not a touchy-feely person. She had a cold upbringing by a mother who disregarded her feelings, and she did the same to me - except when she needed something.

I had only one "how wonderful that my mom did that for me because she loves me" moment in my entire life. No happy holiday memories in a house full of warmth. No unselfish actions. No special gifts (not necessarily monetary) with love. Just, basically, self-interest and selfishness.

Since she died, all the anger I'd felt my whole life, I guess, has come bubbling up. My memories are all things where I was ignored, devalued, hurt, dismissed - nothing actually happy, because there wasn't any happy, it was all mere toleration. All the ways she screwed me up, really.

I didn't/don't hate my mother. I didn't have a ghastly, horrible childhood. She wasn't a horrible person. I guess I have "permission" in some way to actually feel like I have always felt without being able to give voice to it - and never realized it was all in me waiting to come out.

Those tempted to tell me how loving and perfect your family was - what's the point? This thread relates to parents who might easily have, but yet didn't, support their children emotionally.

I understand the many reasons probably why she was the way she was - but understanding doesn't help. Yes, there are reasons and in one sense it wasn't her "fault", but she also could have chosen to break away from her own history - and didn't. Because she didn't care enough. I had an older sister, and this all applies to her upbringing too - it's just that it didn't bother her, just me; different personalities.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt angry at their parent (and I don't mean for dying) after their death instead of ready to excuse them for anything now that they're gone.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

Mom2Dogs — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 00:59:12 GMT

@Moonchilde, I have no advice, just want to say I am sorry your childhood years were not the carefree, loving time you should have had.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

alicedee — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:08:51 GMT

My parents made some mistakes....what parent doesn't? I haven't forgotten the things that were wrong.....but realize that they did the best they knew how with the tools they had....and I choose to "let them off the hook" for any negatives, and focus on the positives, which were many.

Obviously your hurt from past treatment runs deep. Perhaps you'd feel better if you talked to a therapist or clergy person.....it sounds like your mother inflicted a lot of pain through the years, and it might be helpful to you to work through that with a trained person.

I wish you well.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

software — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:10:14 GMT

I could write a similar story but I had my epiphany at about age 30, my parents passed when I was 54. She wasn't bad but she was a drama queen. Had to be the center of attention, resented any success I achieved and dwelled on and reminded me of any failures I experienced.

I always felt she mistreated my dad with all her crazy demands and drama. When she and I were at odds, he would always take her side, like a good husband, even if she was wrong. I am an only child and I always felt, even as a child that I was an annoyance to her. I know she "loved" me, she cared for me but she was ridiculously strict and I was over-disciplined. Even her friends and relatives tried to appeal to her but she wouldn't budge.

I grew up angry and I'm still angry but not as bad as I was. I've learned to understand and control all my emotions.

As a child I thought my parents were flawless, wonderful people. By the time I was an adult, I learned otherwise.

Don't feel guilty about accepting the truth. No one's parent is perfect. My mother was raised in a big family by alcoholics. While I wish I had a different experience growing up, I've forgiven her. It wasn't easy but staying angry wasn't doing me any good.

@Moonchilde

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

hopi — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:19:57 GMT

You summed up a lifetime in a short post and if reading correctly your sister perceives her experiences differently. This post seems so unlike your nature to share your inner thoughts. It seems as we age we review our lives constantly and add judgement.

When our parents die our mortality becomes extremely apparent, Reviewing life brings negative/positive aspects or both all the time. At best just stay with positive thoughts about everything or anything and let the past go.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

Lapdog — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:16:23 GMT

I keep returning to your letter @Moonchilde. I also have no insight other than to offer you my hand and my shoulder.

I believe talking about this to anyone that you care to, will help you. My best friend had to deal with childhod trauma later in life and talking to someone helps. She had flashbacks from it.

I go to therapy myself to deal with anxiety from trauma.

Please hold your head high and just know that you did nothing wrong and you absolutely did not deserve any of it.

You were an innocent precious child and inside you still are.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

Noel7 — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:20:56 GMT

"Let the past go"... easier said than done. Suppression doesn't do anyone any good.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

SunValley — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:22:23 GMT

@Moonchilde I understand completely; in my case it was my father. Sadly, I imagine there a number of posters who can relate.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

hopi — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:26:56 GMT

@Noel7 wrote:
"Let the past go"... easier said than done. Suppression doesn't do anyone any good.

Dwelling on the past or negative thoughts can destroy health and overwhelm life. No one said to suppress.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

september — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:24:41 GMT

@Moonchilde I appreciate your honesty, and I do get where you're coming from. Sometimes, we see things in hindsight, that weren't apparent to us in the moment.

That said...I come from a large family, and my siblings and I all have different impressions of our childhoods. It seems like some of us "clicked" with our parents, while others didn't.

Having been a parent myself (as well as a stepparent), the same thing happened with the next generation. One out of six children, chose to have no relationship with his dad....while the others were quite close.

I feel like most parents do the best they can.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

september — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:31:08 GMT

@hopi wrote:
@Noel7 wrote:
"Let the past go"... easier said than done. Suppression doesn't do anyone any good.
Dwelling on the past or negative thoughts can destroy health and overwhelm life. No one said to suppress.

Absolutely. Holding onto grudges isn't good for anyone. Talk it out with a therapist or support group...then make the decision to move on.

I've attended some sessions on mindfulness, and focusing on what we have to be grateful for each day. I doubt anyone has had a perfect past. We don't have to live in the past.....

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

ANewHue — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:34:26 GMT

@Moonchilde I could have written your post. My mother is still alive but she is severely ill. We were there for all our parents when they were dying but I predicted many decades ago what we are living through now. On top of everything I just learned she made a mess of her estate and will be leaving me years of grief. She wasn't a terrible person but no happy memories here for sure. Although she has grandchildren and great grandchildren (not mine) no one cares about her. Boy, what a legacy she is leaving. We have been running ourselves ragged for months and for one day she was herself. I believe everything happens for a reason and I took the opportunity to blast her. It makes me sad that she took me to that point. With all you do and did for her it was never enough. She is just a very ungrateful person. She was always nicer to complete strangers. I just want to begin the healing process and live a life free of all this once and for all.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

Pandalady — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:38:08 GMT

@Moonchilde My grandmother passed away 10 years ago. She had cancer and went downhill very quickly. My dad, her only child, was there alone with her in the hospital the day before she stopped speaking and went into hospice care. My mom told me that night, my dad cried more than she had seen him in a long time. He said that the last words she ever spoke were "I love you." He hadn't heard those words from his mother in 40 years.

He's never shared much about his life growing up and I haven't pressed the issue. I just know he must vowed to do things differently as a parent.

Thank you for your courage to share your story. I'm here offering anohter supportive "ear" for you.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

q-girl — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:41:10 GMT

@Moonchilde wrote:
Another thread, about grieving, started me thinking about this. It was stated several times in that thread that it's natural, usual, common, understandable, etc for the adult child of a parent who dies to objectify them, see no wrong, defend them, see them only in a kind, loving light, etc.

I have had the opposite experience, and I wonder how common or uncommon it is. During her lifetime, my mother could do no wrong AFAIC. I loved her dearly - at least, I needed her presence in my life, and went through abuse (not physical) to maintain it. I would have done almost anything for her - and did do things I shouldn't have had to do in order to "stay loved."

I have found that since she died (3-1/2 years ago), there are literally almost no "happy" loving memories. She was not a touchy-feely person. She had a cold upbringing by a mother who disregarded her feelings, and she did the same to me - except when she needed something.

I had only one "how wonderful that my mom did that for me because she loves me" moment in my entire life. No happy holiday memories in a house full of warmth. No unselfish actions. No special gifts (not necessarily monetary) with love. Just, basically, self-interest and selfishness.

Since she died, all the anger I'd felt my whole life, I guess, has come bubbling up. My memories are all things where I was ignored, devalued, hurt, dismissed - nothing actually happy, because there wasn't any happy, it was all mere toleration. All the ways she screwed me up, really.

I didn't/don't hate my mother. I didn't have a ghastly, horrible childhood. She wasn't a horrible person. I guess I have "permission" in some way to actually feel like I have always felt without being able to give voice to it - and never realized it was all in me waiting to come out.

Those tempted to tell me how loving and perfect your family was - what's the point? This thread relates to parents who might easily have, but yet didn't, support their children emotionally.

I understand the many reasons probably why she was the way she was - but understanding doesn't help. Yes, there are reasons and in one sense it wasn't her "fault", but she also could have chosen to break away from her own history - and didn't. Because she didn't care enough. I had an older sister, and this all applies to her upbringing too - it's just that it didn't bother her, just me; different personalities.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt angry at their parent (and I don't mean for dying) after their death instead of ready to excuse them for anything now that they're gone.

@Moonchilde. . . . Hello, my friend. You have every right to your feelings of anger and disappointment at your mother, and, IMO, those feelings should cause you no guilt. I feel the same toward my own mother, who I lost about 15 yrs. ago. My situation? In a nutshell, my mother was to busy criticizing me, screaming at me and slapping me around for not living up to her fantasy of what her "perfect daughter" should be to ever really know who I was. Lucky for me, at age 15 I realized I would never be good enough for her, would never make her happy just by being myself, so I stopped needing/ looking for approval and acceptance from her for everything in my life. Enough about me, I wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings.

Hugs. . .

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

Noel7 — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:44:39 GMT

@september wrote:
@hopi wrote:
@Noel7 wrote:
"Let the past go"... easier said than done. Suppression doesn't do anyone any good.
Dwelling on the past or negative thoughts can destroy health and overwhelm life. No one said to suppress.

Absolutely. Holding onto grudges isn't good for anyone. Talk it out with a therapist or support group...then make the decision to move on.

I've attended some sessions on mindfulness, and focusing on what we have to be grateful for each day. I doubt anyone has had a perfect past. We don't have to live in the past.....

@hopi

I never said anything about "dwelling on the past," please don't put words in my mouth. "Letting it go" IS about suppression. That's exactly what it is, attempting not to think about it.

As for living in the past, abused kids don't get over it. They may find ways of dealing with it if they get help but they don't forget.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

Noel7 — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:42:49 GMT

@ANewHue wrote:
@Moonchilde I could have written your post. My mother is still alive but she is severely ill. We were there for all our parents when they were dying but I predicted many decades ago what we are living through now. On top of everything I just learned she made a mess of her estate and will be leaving me years of grief. She wasn't a terrible person but no happy memories here for sure. Although she has grandchildren and great grandchildren (not mine) no one cares about her. Boy, what a legacy she is leaving. We have been running ourselves ragged for months and for one day she was herself. I believe everything happens for a reason and I took the opportunity to blast her. It makes me sad that she took me to that point. With all you do and did for her it was never enough. She is just a very ungrateful person. She was always nicer to complete strangers. I just want to begin the healing process and live a life free of all this once and for all.

I wish you all the best @ANewHue

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

stuyvesant — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:43:49 GMT

Here's a famous story I'm sure I'll mangle, but here's the gist:

Two monks in ancient Japan are traveling back to their monastery. The roads were bad in ancient Japan, and covered in mud.

They came across a lady who wanted to cross the road, and one of the monks carried her across so she wouldn't get muddy. The lady said nothing and went on her way.

The monks continued slogging their way home, and when in sight of their monastery stopped and took a break.

"I can't believe that woman didn't even say thank you!" the monk burst out. "I carried her across that muddy road!"

"You've been carrying her ever since" the other monk replied. "Isn't it time you put her down?"

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

ROMARY — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 02:17:53 GMT

I don't mean to minimize anything at all. I've found that some people (including some parents, etc.) have a 'one track mind', and nothing will ever change them, no matter what. Sometimes, we just have to try to understand that it's just 'the way they are'. I'm sure many of us have run across that type of personality. Rigid, and their way is the only way, etc., etc. If O/P can try to think of her mom as that type of person: Nothing could have changed her. Sometimes some people operate in a 'daze' wearing side-blinders, similar to race horses. They have 'blocked out' their surroundings, their emotions, their horse mates, the thousands of crowds in the audience, etc. Wishing O/P well and hoping that you realize that there are many people out here who understand you. Hugs to you.

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

jeanlake — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 01:52:44 GMT

Those struggling with releasing hurtful people are not alone. I'm trying to overcome this myself. Read this quote recently --

Whatever comes, let it come, what stays let stay, what goes let go.” ― Papaji

Re: Less fond after they're gone. Anyone else?

jubilant — Sun, 27 Aug 2017 02:06:56 GMT

I think there are different levels of dysfunction in all families simply because people are not perfect. One doesn't have to be beaten to be abused.

Emotional abuse or just lack of emotion shown to a child can be just as bad or worse. Remembering and not wanting to repeat it with your own children is how we improve on generational "flaws" (for lack of a better word). Some families are very dysfunctional, some are in the middle somewhere, and some have very few dysfunctions.

Whatever they were it is up to us to not repeat it and try to do better than the last generation. From what you have said here, I can see a lot of reasons why you would have anger surfacing after your mother's death. If it continues, I think I would talk to a counselor.

Unresolved anger can do much damage to the body, heart, and soul. I am a firm believer in counseling. Maybe I shouldn't say anything because, I haven't been where you are.... but I know people who have. It sounds like there was a lot of "unresolved" problems.

A little insight from an outside source might help you finally resolve some of these issues with your mother. It won't change the way it was, but it could help you to understand what was going on with her, how and why it affects you, and how you can begin to resolve the anger. Forgiveness is an ongoing thing. It's not just a one time deal.

I have gone for counseling myself for other reasons than this and like I said on another thread....It is nothing to be ashamed of. If, my friend, it can speed up the process....why not? It may take time....but it's a start. I hope you will give it some thought....because...... ....I like you and you're worth it!!!