topic Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving. in Community Chat

My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Beautiful life — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 20:47:32 GMT

My first appointment went well. I go back in a couple of weeks. Each appointment is for 45 minutes, went by fast. She's going to see how I do with therapy before referring me to a physiatrist for medication.

She gave me some suggestions like group therapy, meet ups's and to write my feelings down. I was told that my mom had unrealistic expectations for me.

That I am feel hurt and unnecessary guilt from my past. She said maybe my mom had a little bit of narcissism. My mom is not to blame I'm sure it came from her insecurities.

She he said my feelings were normal, I became a orphan and now I'm lost and going to need a different route in life.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

jaxs mom — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 20:50:20 GMT

Good for you taking this step to help yourself. It takes courage.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Cakers3 — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 20:53:53 GMT

@Beautiful life I am glad to see you have taken a very important first step to your recovery. Little baby steps.

As you said, this is a whole different path for you and without any experience you can feel torn in all directions.

I do hope you will seek out a support group, too. You do not have to say anything if you are uncomfortable at first but give it time-you will hear "your story" from others who have been there, done, that, and how they handle everything.

If you are comfortable with this therapist, let her guide you. Keep the focus on you and remember-you are worth happiness.

I wish you all the best.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

MickD — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 21:02:39 GMT

@Beautiful life oh good for you! Continue with the grief work and therapy. You'll feel better, and learn so much about yourself and your relationships.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Witchy Woman — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 21:08:18 GMT

It's great that you took a step to find some comfort and relief.

I have gone to therapy off and on for many years, including a psychiastrist, hypnotherapy and EMDR therapy.

Even though it was often difficult and sometimes painful, I am thankful I did it. Looking back, I can say it was a wonderful journey.

Keep at it and don't lose faith in the process.

Even just learning to accept how you feel is a big step!

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

LUV 2 SHOP — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 21:08:43 GMT

The first step is the hardest. You have passed an important benchmark. I observed that you didn't mention family members. If you are seeking therapy perhaps there are others who would benefit from therapy too. You sound very young. You have a whole life to find happiness, just one day at a time.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Tinkrbl44 — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 21:33:07 GMT

@Beautiful life wrote:

My first appointment went well. I go back in a couple of weeks. Each appointment is for 45 minutes, went by fast. She's going to see how I do with therapy before referring me to a physiatrist for medication.

She gave me some suggestions like group therapy, meet ups's and to write my feelings down. I was told that my mom had unrealistic expectations for me.
That I am feel hurt and unnecessary guilt from my past. She said maybe my mom had a little bit of narcissism. My mom is not to blame I'm sure it came from her insecurities.

She he said my feelings were normal, I became a orphan and now I'm lost and going to need a different route in life.

@Beautiful life

SO glad you took the first step to heal and move forward!

It can be very hard to allow a therapist to be totally objective .... or even critical of anyone who comes up in discussion. Sounds a little like she "criticized" your mother's actions and you defended her. Please try to resist doing that. Your mother wasn't perfect, so she obviously made mistakes. All mothers make mistakes. Be open to the therapist's observations.

Your being open minded about the dynamics will allow you to see other points of view, which can accelerate your healing process. Don't be afraid or defensive when it comes to considering many other points of view.

I'm not sure if you think you are an orphan now, or she adopted you at a young age when you were an orphan. If I recall correctly, you have a husband a kids, so you certainly can't say you have no family.

In between appointments, things will "come up" ... be sure to document them for discussion at a later time. Oftentimes, it's a process that feels like putting a large jigsaw puzzle together .... it takes time and patience, and every piece counts.

Take good care of yourself.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Drythe — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 21:34:56 GMT

@Beautiful life

You took a huge step to help yourself!

I am glad for you.

There is no right or wrong way to experience grief, but sometimes it does trigger us to learn some things we didn't know about ourselves, or other people in our lives.

Best wishes on your journey.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Cakers3 — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 21:53:16 GMT

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
@Beautiful life wrote:

My first appointment went well. I go back in a couple of weeks. Each appointment is for 45 minutes, went by fast. She's going to see how I do with therapy before referring me to a physiatrist for medication.

She gave me some suggestions like group therapy, meet ups's and to write my feelings down. I was told that my mom had unrealistic expectations for me.
That I am feel hurt and unnecessary guilt from my past. She said maybe my mom had a little bit of narcissism. My mom is not to blame I'm sure it came from her insecurities.

She he said my feelings were normal, I became a orphan and now I'm lost and going to need a different route in life.

@Beautiful life

SO glad you took the first step to heal and move forward!

It can be very hard to allow a therapist to be totally objective .... or even critical of anyone who comes up in discussion. Sounds a little like she "criticized" your mother's actions and you defended her. Please try to resist doing that. Your mother wasn't perfect, so she obviously made mistakes. All mothers make mistakes. Be open to the therapist's observations.

Your being open minded about the dynamics will allow you to see other points of view, which can accelerate your healing process. Don't be afraid or defensive when it comes to considering many other points of view.

I'm not sure if you think you are an orphan now, or she adopted you at a young age when you were an orphan. If I recall correctly, you have a husband a kids, so you certainly can't say you have no family.

In between appointments, things will "come up" ... be sure to document them for discussion at a later time. Oftentimes, it's a process that feels like putting a large jigsaw puzzle together .... it takes time and patience, and every piece counts.

Take good care of yourself.

@Tinkrbl44 Her defense of her mother is a natural reaction more than people realize. Even the most severely abused child will often defend the parent, especially in the early stages of therapy.

We are brought up not to question our parents or disclose "dirty laundry" about our families, especially those of us brought up in past decades.

I think it would have been better for the therapist not to assess the mother right off the bat since not all the "facts" are available especially in the first session. However, I am not the therapist nor did I sit in the session, so context is important.

jmoymmv.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

goldensrbest — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 22:05:50 GMT

I am very glad you went, it will be good for you to be able to talk your feelings out.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Tinkrbl44 — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 22:15:17 GMT

"We are brought up not to question our parents or disclose "dirty laundry" about our families, especially those of us brought up in past decades."

@Cakers3

I really do understand your point, but what is the purpose of going to therapy if you are reluctant or unwilling to tell the honest truth?

Not everyone was raised to lie or not divulge the truth. That, in itself, is a huge, dysfunctional, red flag.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Beautiful life — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 22:39:47 GMT

The therapist asked me alot of questions. I told her I was feeling depressed, sad and guilty. She said the guilt is a normal part of grieving. I told her I had guilt from years ago not just when she died. Then she asked about my mom.

I think group counseling would be good. Talking my feelings out help me.

I sat down with my family last night and read them my feelings.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Preds — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 22:45:30 GMT

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

"We are brought up not to question our parents or disclose "dirty laundry" about our families, especially those of us brought up in past decades."

@Cakers3

I really do understand your point, but what is the purpose of going to therapy if you are reluctant or unwilling to tell the honest truth?

Not everyone was raised to lie or not divulge the truth. That, in itself, is a huge, dysfunctional, red flag.

Red Flag, yes! It takes time to get past that point. Time allows and talking "around" it gives people time to get to the truth of matter. Everyone has problems and everyone needs their own way to get to the root.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Shanus — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 00:06:04 GMT

This is not a subject relating to Beauty or Fashion. Please let's be careful and tread lightly with advice and assumptions.

Unless someone is a therapist or has other credentials in this field of grieving, the wrong information can be given or taken the opposite way it was meant.

Even though we all want the best for her, few of us are trained to do more than support her in her quest for getting on with her life as it is now.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

KathyPet — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 00:28:47 GMT

very happy to hear that you have taken this important first step. Hopefully it will result in you healing the relationship,with your own daughter. After reading your prior posts about the demands your mother made on your time, attention and energy I would definitely agree with the therapist that her demands on you were certainly unreasonable and your feelings of guilt are not warranted.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Cakers3 — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 01:02:06 GMT

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

"We are brought up not to question our parents or disclose "dirty laundry" about our families, especially those of us brought up in past decades."

@Cakers3

I really do understand your point, but what is the purpose of going to therapy if you are reluctant or unwilling to tell the honest truth?

Not everyone was raised to lie or not divulge the truth. That, in itself, is a huge, dysfunctional, red flag.

@Tinkrbl44 The point is she is there and this was only her first appt. We don't know her truth; right now her truth most likely is skewered by her own perceptions/reality, which is not about being honest but about the process of therapy.

She will, in time, learn to rearrange her perceptions with therapy and come to other conclusions. This is the point of therapy-to peel away those layers that people wrap themselves in avoidance.

Children from abusive homes put the blame on themselves very often, just as rape victims often blame themselves. It isn't about being brought up to lie; it's about how one deals with traumatic events. And airing dirty laundry would include those actions.

There are some families that tell their children not to talk "out of school"; it doesn't make the person in therapy a liar nor does it necessarily mean that the parents were incompetent in parenting.

Therapy is a process; it takes time to unravel the past in order to conclude and move into the present.

We don't know her full story; not would I go so far as to say she was brought up to lie and deceive. Her therapist, if she is worth her salt, will assess where she is coming from and where it would be better for her to be in the here and now.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Pqfan — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 01:07:10 GMT

@Beautiful lifeI am so proud of you!

I need to do this as well but I haven't been able to do it.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

magicmoodz — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 01:33:04 GMT

@Beautiful life

How brave of you to seek help so early on in your grief journey. I highly recommend and am glad you are willing to explore joining a grief group. It helped me immensely when I needed it.

I learned that telling our story to others is crucial to our healing. A group is such a safe place where people with the commonality of loss provide care and support for one another.

My group sessions were conducted weekly in four-month increments, but I was not a one and done participant. I ended up attending three different cycles. I found it so beneficial I decided to give back. I trained with a therapist and went on to become a group facilitator.

Side note: I don't mean to be insensitive, but it is very common after a loss to see only the good in our dearly departed. As my counselor explained to me, we see that person as a saint with no faults. I know I did as I was grieving. At some point in our healing, we begin to see things with more clarity and as they really were.

I wish you nothing but the best as you embark on the difficult but rewarding journey through grief.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Beautiful life — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 03:53:55 GMT

I grew up in a dysfunctional family including my father. It will take many counceling sessions to talk about my life. It is true when someone you love dies you only see the good at first. That's how I felt when my dad passed along time ago but my memories come back with a father that was depressed, abusive and abused prescription pills.

I know my mom was not a saint. I still have scars on my legs from a metal hanger she hit me with. She pulled my hair, called me names. Like I said before I forgave them both. I don't know why they were the way they were but have a feeling they needed help mentally and never got treatment for it.

Im looking forward to group counseling. I'm trying to locate one close to me.

thanks everyone for your loving support.

Re: My first therapy appointment for grieving.

Marienkaefer2 — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 05:12:56 GMT

It takes a lot of courage to seek out help.

You are a brave person and have done the first most important step!

You will find out many things through this process. What we should want to accomplish is to put the past in perspective and learn and how to take what has happened and do better in the future for ourselves.