topic Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTSogni in Community Chat

CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

Shanus — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 00:47:31 GMT

Depressing, but true. Time marches on...no stopping it. Arrived at Mom's yesterday. At 88, she started using a walker fearing she'd fall. So many women have fallen in her bldg. & broken hips, ribs, etc., she got scared.

She refuses to wear her glasses ("my blue eyes are my best feature"), so she borrows mine if we're in the food store or has to see sizes in the dept. store.

Tonite I went in the little kitchen to make myself a snack...I found 7 things in the frig. that were way past the "eat by" date...important to throw out ones like eggs, milk and mayo that said, wait for it... 2013!!!! I spoke to another daughter who's visiting & she said although her Dad is financially OK, he won't waste food by tossing it even if out of date. We decided it must be a" living through the depression" thing.

So. Next trip besides shlepping my usual coffee pot, filters, Starbucks (w/ caffeine...is there any other kind?) & fat free 1/2 & 1/2, protein drinks & bars, non-fat mozz.cheese sticks for snacks, sugar free jello and so much more...now I also have to bring my own eggs, milk, margarine, etc. I trust nothing here is edible. That's a giant cooler to pack up for a 4 day visit, right?

Her aide comes for an hour each morning to help w/ bathing, dressing & breakfast. I'll ask her to check the frig. & list whatever she throws out. Wow! I was so close to having poached eggs this morning....from November?

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

garl — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 00:59:43 GMT

How utterly sad that you would post such a personal, invasive note about your own Mother, and on Valentine's Day...

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTSound y

Wayne-QVC — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:03:35 GMT

This post has been removed by QVC because it's argumentative.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

Noel7 — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:06:30 GMT

@garl wrote:
How utterly sad that you would post such a personal, invasive note about your own Mother, and on Valentine's Day...

*******************

@garl

Oh, come on. None of us know her mother. I think it's a sweet concern.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

Shanus — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:17:36 GMT

OK people. Calm down and rethink the situation. I'm here w/ her at least 4 days every month. She's in assisted living gated community w/ a wonderful staff and dining room providing 3 great meals a day. Personal kitchens are just that...so they can keep food in case they don't feel well or hungry between meals. I don't use mayo ever. Only checked it when other items seemed out of date, too. She's 100% "with it", just on the stubborn side. My bringing my own foods is after talking to her about going food shopping tomorrow to replace the old items & she said there's nothing wrong w/ the food she has now. No arguements necessary. Just bring what I need each visit. How is that selfish & all about me? Would you not prepare to have edible food for yourself knowing where you're going would be these circumstances? We did go out for Valentine's lunch & I took her to see "La La Land" afterwards. She enjoyed her wonderful afternoon and was quite grateful. How did I become the bad guy here?

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

Sooner — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:20:54 GMT

@Shanus wrote:
Depressing, but true. Time marches on...no stopping it. Arrived at Mom's yesterday. At 88, she started using a walker fearing she'd fall. So many women have fallen in her bldg. & broken hips, ribs, etc., she got scared.

She refuses to wear her glasses ("my blue eyes are my best feature"), so she borrows mine if we're in the food store or has to see sizes in the dept. store.

Tonite I went in the little kitchen to make myself a snack...I found 7 things in the frig. that were way past the "eat by" date...important to throw out ones like eggs, milk and mayo that said, wait for it... 2013!!!! I spoke to another daughter who's visiting & she said although her Dad is financially OK, he won't waste food by tossing it even if out of date. We decided it must be a" living through the depression" thing.

So. Next trip besides shlepping my usual coffee pot, filters, Starbucks (w/ caffeine...is there any other kind?) & fat free 1/2 & 1/2, protein drinks & bars, non-fat mozz.cheese sticks for snacks, sugar free jello and so much more...now I also have to bring my own eggs, milk, margarine, etc. I trust nothing here is edible. That's a giant cooler to pack up for a 4 day visit, right?

Her aide comes for an hour each morning to help w/ bathing, dressing & breakfast. I'll ask her to check the frig. & list whatever she throws out. Wow! I was so close to having poached eggs this morning....from November?

It is very very hard to deal with the things you mention above. My mom and my best friend's moms did exactly what you describe. We were terrified to eat anything there. I always took food and then cleaned out her fridge. For many years I took whole Christmas and Thanksgiving meals four hours there to cook there--she didn't want to eat out. My mom lived on lean cuisine for years--and yes, both my husband and I and our friend's family had to take snacks and food because we didn't want to eat lean cuisine and since that is all she would eat, we couldnt go and eat up her food. . . It was just bizarre. We would go to the grocery store and she would have a fit if we paid for it, OR if she sent us and we upgraded the cookies from store brand. Even if we paid for them.

My mom wouldn't spend money on anything although she was financially ok. So she also wouldn't let us buy anything for her. She refused to do anything anyone suggested because it wasn't her idea. We were terrified for her safety, but you can't make a parent do anything and if they seem able to make their decisions, there's simply nothing you can do but agonize about it. The more I would talk to her, the more she refused to do something.

We would have to sneak old food home with us. I am glad your mom is using a walker. That must make you feel better.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

halfpint1 — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:21:43 GMT

No-did you break them vov ember of 16 isn't bad B iut if they look terrible throw themsh food and take the others out. If you can. bring fresh ones and switch them out. How is her eyes. I am waiting for cataract surgery-79 here.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

fleur-de-lis — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:22:15 GMT

One day you will no longer have your parents and you won't have to be bothered by these inconveniences. What I would give to still have my parents and to be able to spend time with them.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

Wayne-QVC — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:22:58 GMT

This post has been removed by QVC because it's unkind.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

happycat — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:25:19 GMT

@Shanus,

We probably better watch out. We could get hit by someone falling off of a high horse.

You arne't the bad guy. You do what you can, and it sounds like you are involved in your parents lives.

As far as the food goes, I don't know. It seems like the older some people get, the less they seem to care about expiration dates. It sounds to me like your mom is well taken care of and has a nice life.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

Noel7 — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:27:36 GMT

@Shanus wrote:
OK people. Calm down and rethink the situation. I'm here w/ her at least 4 days every month. She's in assisted living gated community w/ a wonderful staff and dining room providing 3 great meals a day. Personal kitchens are just that...so they can keep food in case they don't feel well or hungry between meals. I don't use mayo ever. Only checked it when other items seemed out of date, too. She's 100% "with it", just on the stubborn side. My bringing my own foods is after talking to her about going food shopping tomorrow to replace the old items & she said there's nothing wrong w/ the food she has now. No arguements necessary. Just bring what I need each visit. How is that selfish & all about me? Would you not prepare to have edible food for yourself knowing where you're going would be these circumstances? We did go out for Valentine's lunch & I took her to see "La La Land" afterwards. She enjoyed her wonderful afternoon and was quite grateful. How did I become the bad guy here?

*********************************

@Shanus

You're not the bad guy. Don't worry about it, seriously.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

Noel7 — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:29:17 GMT

Gee, it's not even Friday night yet 🤔

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

Shanus — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:33:30 GMT

@happycat. Thanks for understanding. I'm an only child living an hour and 1/2 away. My younger brother passed away many years ago when he was quite young and I helped my Mom care for Dad who died of lung cancer almost 4 yrs. ago.

Caring for an older parent is a huge job. My OP was not meant to be negative...informative. My hubby helps when he can but my kids are in their mid-40s & live too far away to be "hands on". I do not...repeat do not...resent taking care of Mom at all. She took care of me for many years and deserves the same. Hoping for an understanding, supportive ear from my "friends" here. At least a few, like you, get it.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

happycat — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:34:47 GMT

@Shanus, I bet if we had a magical looking glass, and saw how some holier than thou co posters treated their parents, the picture we would see wouldn't be the rose colored glasses pic they seem to be conjuring up for themselves.

Its real easy to sit behind a computer screen and throw darts at people.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

Shanus — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:38:24 GMT

@halfpint1. She had that surgery 10 yrs. ago, but just doesn't want to cover her baby blues w/ readers. Oh yes. Everything I found out of date is down the hall in the dumpster & will be replaced tomorrow. But w/ about a month between visits, milk goes bad again. The Girl Scout in me says be prepared and bring my own things.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

sidsmom — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:39:27 GMT

When phrases like,

"I trust nothing here is edible" &

"...keep food in case they don't feel well or hungry between meals"

are used to describe the same situation, it's...concerning, to say the least.

I guess food poisoning to an elderly parent isn't a priority.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

happycat — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:40:20 GMT

Aww hon I know you don't resent taking care of your mom. Your mom knows it too, and that is who really matters.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

Moonchilde — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:42:51 GMT

@Shanus, you are the Bad Guy because:

A) At a given moment, someone has nothing else to do.

B) There are posters who consistently search for someone to be a Bad Guy, doesn't matter who.

C) There are posters who won't like you (or me or Poster X) because of your cumulative posts or because they usually disagree with you, so whenever you start a thread will be the perfect opportunity to hit you with both barrels just because they can. Open season.

D) This forum is full of people who wouldn't recognize humor in any form, ever.

Just consider the source(s) and don't worry about it.

My mother would have thrown away outdated food, but she would never use a walker; she fell many times.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

september — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:41:16 GMT

@Shanus I understand where you're coming from. Yes, you have concerns and they are valid. My own parents are new to assisted living and my siblings and I are noticing a lot of changes that are worrisome.

I'm also the conservator of my husband who lives in a memory care facility, after I spent many years caring for him at home.

I've been in a caregiver support group for almost three years, where the members understand how tough this is on all of us. No one judges, like they will on this site. Please find out if you have such a group in your community.

Re: CHANGES IN OLDER PARENTS

happycat — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 01:44:42 GMT

@Shanus

ignore the haters. Take the best, forget the rest.