topic Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT in Community Chat

TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

Shanus — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 01:58:18 GMT

I'm visiting my 88 yr. old mother in her retirement community. She has her own apartment, not assisted living. She just started using a walker a few months ago & takes a cane (only) when driving because can't fold & lift walker.

Her driving has gotten very bad...difficulty staying in her lane, notice she doesn't come to complete stop, no signal when turning or changing lanes and worst of all, she doesn't use her mirrors to back up or see when changing lanes.

We obviously need to take her license away before she hurts herself or someone else. How do you approach this subject? She'll be losing her ability to go food shopping herself, have nails done, etc. Yes, there is van service provided here, but she likes her freedom & doesn't want to be on their schedule. Help!

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

SydneyH — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:03:49 GMT

Either you will have to have the conversation and take it away or have her doctor do it. It's a safety issue for everyone involved.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

Nuttmeg — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:04:26 GMT

Have you talked to her PC doctor?

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

Snowpuppy — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:10:31 GMT

Most states have a process to retest drivers when requested.

Contact your Motor Vehicles Division in her state. She wll have to retest.

They will take her license and never tell her who asked to be retested.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

occasionalrain — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:12:57 GMT

Have you talked with her about her driving misdeeds and your concern? Perhaps she will correct them if she knows that if she doesn't, sooner than later either the police will detain her or she will have an accident. In either event she will lose her license to drive.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

Lila Belle — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:13:07 GMT

Tough! My grands are all in their 90's (93-96) and all gave up their keys a few years ago. It took friends who had accidents and one where my nan was a passenger in a car with an 86 y/o driver and suffered a broken hand and several ribs for them all to stop driving. The driver sustained a fractured femur and died 6 months later.

My parents had tried for a few years to persuade them to use their communities vans and drivers. My nan's accident was a wake up call for them all.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

VenturaHighway — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:14:43 GMT

@ShanusThe hardest thing I ever had to do was take my Sweet Mother's car away from her. She had run into a car at the grocery store.

I sat her down and said that it was time for her to quit driving. I told her that I didn't want her to get hurt or someone else getting hurt. No matter what she said, I knew that day, I would take her car away. There just comes a time when we have to be the parent.

She took it rather well, though she was sad. I lived close so I was able to take her most every place.

My next step was having to sell her home because she would leave pans on the stove. A home that my Dear Father built and they had lived there for almost 40 years.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

Shanus — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:17:12 GMT

@occasionalrain We've been pointing this bad driving and ultimately selling the car for 2 yrs. Not getting anywhere. Hoping it doesn't take an accident to get message across.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

Shanus — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:20:34 GMT

@VenturaHighway It is sad and difficult to have to make these decisions. It's hard enough watching them get older, isn't it?

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

shoesnbags — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:22:03 GMT

My dad was a very hard headed person who would never have listened to us. Mom was battling cancer. So we turned to Dad's heart doctor to do the deed. We confided our problem before a regularly scheduled visit. The dr. told dad that his combination of meds were not compatible with safe driving. Dad asked what would happen if he just stopped taking the meds. Dr. looked him straight in the eye and answered, "You would die." And that was that. We were very fortunate that the wonderful doctor was willing to bend the truth for the greater good. And it was a little easier for Dad's ego to believe that it was the meds rather than his own decreasing abilities.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

Shanus — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:22:33 GMT

@Snowpuppy Oooh, really? That takes me completely out of the picture and Incan remain the good daughter. Thanks.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

occasionalrain — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:26:27 GMT

@Shanus wrote:
@occasionalrain We've been pointing +out this bad driving and ultimately selling the car for 2 yrs. Not getting anywhere. Hoping it doesn't take an accident to get message across.

Then she needs a fair warning, if her driving doesn't improve she will lose the privilege. Is there someone you could hire to drive her where she wants to go? I can't blame her for not wanting to depend on the van.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

Shanus — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:26:47 GMT

@Nuttmeg Unfortunately, he's not a # 1 Ace type doc. I tried to talk to him about her continuing to eat desserts, etc. while taking meds for type 2 diabetes & he gave me some stupid response. He also hands antibiotics like candy. I disapprove of that...especially over the phone refilling rxs.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

cherry — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:27:51 GMT

@Shanus do it soon, you might be saving a life

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

twinny70 — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:30:38 GMT

Your post brought tears to my eyes. You must do something NOW. Not a fun job, but we went through a similar situation with my mom when she was almost 91 years old. She had driven her neighbor to our local Senior center & then drove to Walmart & couldn't find her way back home. Her neighbor called me & was histerical as mom went though at least 5 stop lights/signs. She got to the HS & grade school that was very close to her house & hit a sign of some sort. Some HS kids called the police to report a driver having difficulty. I was sick with the flu & sent my DH over. He called the police & they came to her house & told him to take her keys away. Worst day of her & our lives, but we knew that she would or could hit a child & we would live with the guilt. She never forgave my DH. She was able to taxi to the center for $1 & I did whatever I could do for her, but she wanted go somewhere every day. Mom passed away 10 months ago at 95 at assisted living & never did get over losing her independence. My prayers are with you as it is a very difficult decision to deal with. Good luck.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

makeup addict — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:31:09 GMT

I do not envy you. I'm trying to remember what we did for my grandparents. With my grandmother, her memory wasn't that great so I don't think she realized it. Granddad was another story.

could someone "borrow" the car and not return it?

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

Allegheny — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:31:47 GMT

My sympathy goes out to you. Most times getting an elderly person to recognize and accept that they need to relinquish their license is next to impossible. They aren't aware of their diminished driving skills. They will feel it will be a loss of freedom and that life will become a hassle.

Of course you must first address the issue with her and provide her options and solutions to living without driving. If she refuses to recognize that her driving skills are creating a danger to herself and others then you will have to take other steps.

While you could involve her physician, if your mother has no health issues that would adversely affect her driving ability, there is probably not much the physician can do.

My next step would be to contact your state's department of motor vehicles and licensing and speak with a representative there. They may issue a request to have her retested.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

VenturaHighway — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:32:04 GMT

@Shanus wrote:
@Nuttmeg Unfortunately, he's not a # 1 Ace type doc. I tried to talk to him about her continuing to eat desserts, etc. while taking meds for type 2 diabetes & he gave me some stupid response. He also hands antibiotics like candy. I disapprove of that...especially over the phone refilling rxs.

@ShanusWell, then it sounds like it is up to you. My two brothers couldn't do it.

I was the one that had to take her car away and sell her home. Tough but for the best.

What if she was driving and ran into a car killing someone. I know that sounds harsh but so true.

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

Snowpuppy — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:32:39 GMT

@cherry wrote:
@Shanus do it soon, you might be saving a life

A co worker had been telling me how bad her father had gotten behind the wheel but everyone was afraid to speak up. He got into a 1 car accident hitting a barrier and altho he was okay, the car was done for.

What happens when they drive somewhere and don't recall how to get home?

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

VenturaHighway — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 02:36:07 GMT

@ShanusMy thoughts and prayers for you and you Mother.