topic Re: "MIddle Child" Issues? in Community Chat

"MIddle Child" Issues?

pattypeep — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 15:24:16 GMT

There have been books written about birth order, etc. Do you believe the middle child(ren) have issues that the other children may not have? I suspect that my middle son has a persecution complex that seems to be worsening as he gets older. He's never been married and is 46. My first and third child are so different and such a joy to be around. When my middle son visited this past summer I couldn't wait for him to leave. Sad, but true. It became so tiring with him complaining about everyone and everything. Even his father. Then, it turns out me, too. He went to visit my youngest son when he left here and apparently told him that I lived in a zoo and that I'm crazy because I kiss my cockatiel. (We have two dogs, a cat, and my sweet cockatiel that I recently re-homed). I sent him a check for his birthday which I always do and he didn't cash it. I haven't heard from him since. He lives in another state. This is probably TMI, but I'm really befuddled. PS: We have always had a good relationship in the past and as he was growing up.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

mima — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 15:31:11 GMT

My middle child (daughter) have not spoke for 10 months. She was a problem child from the time she was pretty young. I don't know if it is because she is in the middle or her personality has been inherited. It's sad. I know it isn't just me though, she doesn't have anything to do with any of her family including parents, siblings and grandparents (except her paternal grandma). Her own kids don't talk to her either. This paternal grandma is who she would have inherited her personality. This grandma also enables her.

Thankfully I have a relationship with her kids (my grandchildren).

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

PamfromCT — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 15:43:38 GMT

I don't pretend to be an expert, but I think there are some truths that can be attributed to birth order. And also some truths to some traits in people that they seem to be born with. And that seems to show up very early in life. I guess it's the old nature vs. nurture argument.

I am so sorry for the troubles you are having with your middle son. With some people, everything is always wrong. He should see me kissing my kitty so often! I don't know why he is the way he is, as I am sure you were a great mother to him. Sounds like he is just cold and negative and "stuck" in these traits. How sad for him and how very sad for you and his dad. I certainly know a few people like that. I wish I had more to offer you in this painful situation other than a heartfelt I am sorry.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

Laura14 — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 15:52:58 GMT

@pattypeep He sounds lonely and depressed.

If you've had a decent relationship in the past with him, call or even email and just let him know you're thinking of him and you care but without any judgement or guesses as to what's going on in his life. He may not be ready or able to share with you yet as he probably hasn't figured it out himself. It sounds like he feels like he doesn't have a voice in the world and is pushing everyone away with his frustration and negative behavior. Don't let him do that.

I can tell you my mother emailed me and even wrote letters during some of our most difficult times and, although she couldn't quite keep the judgement part out of it, having something in writing to look at that is your parent telling you they love you always makes your day and inspires you to do better. It's then up to him to reach out to you if and when he's ready and thinks you can help. Please keep letting him know you're there for when and if he needs you. That's really all you can do.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

ROMARY — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 15:54:14 GMT

Isn't there a phrase (or song) called 'Stuck in the middle' ? Maybe there is some truth to being 'stuck' in the middle of siblings, families, etc. Interesting, for sure. Wishing all families with this situation well. I'm sure there will be several other posters who have more information and experiences re: middle (and other) siblings' personalities.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

hoosieroriginal — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 15:55:16 GMT

My sister (middle child) was very socially awkward, very quiet and shy as a child. I remember my mother looking at her across our lake and saying "I really worry about that girl" and she was only about 12. As an adult she turned into an angry person, didn't want to be with her family -we believe she was bipolar - mood swing city.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

2blonde — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 16:13:34 GMT

Hey! I think it's only fair to hear from an actual middle child........ME! I was the middle of 3 girls, one 10 years older and one 10 years younger (weird, I know). I was always the glue that held our dysfunctional family together (alcoholic parents). You can even ask my little sister (who was the real problem child). She still comes to me for "big sister" consolation and advice. My older sister used to call me and say that I always had the right answers for her. She was the apple of my father's eye and a mother of 3. Much to my regret, she committed suicide when she was 49.

When I was young, I was somewhat rebellious against my parents, but that was because they were such a mess, and didn't want to let me out of their sight.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

SaRina — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 16:18:13 GMT

I do believe birth order can affect personality in many instances. I know of a couple of examples of three-children families where the middle child is resentful and angry -- his older sibling got more responsibility and allowances growing up and the youngest was always "the baby", and doted upon and given all the attention. The middle child can feel forgotten or not as important as the other two.

I'm not saying that's the case with your children, but I can understand how that can happen.

All you can do is love and support him. Hopefully, he'll be able to resolve whatever is bothering him or at least open up to you or someone else he is close to.

P.S. Don't ever let anyone put you down or make fun of your relationship with your pets. Too many people just don't get it. You obviously have a big heart.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

qvcfreak — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 16:19:39 GMT

We are 5 siblings but none of us feel or act different. We are all very close and live within 5 miles of each other. The 3 girls we hang out a lot, the boys we text and talk a lot with but only see them when we have get togethers or somebody needs something.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

LilacTree — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 16:33:58 GMT

There were four of us until my beloved sister died of two cancers (colon and lung) in August 2011. I am the oldest, then my sister and one brother, then the youngest, another brother.

The two middle siblings were alike in that they were addicted, my sister to cigarettes and beer and my brother to pot. Neither of them were ever occupationally successful.

My younger brother and I never had addictions and worked all of our adult lives, supporting our families and in his case he still is supporting his two daughters (almost 40) and their three children.

My sister and I were very close and loved each other very much, but we always were very different. My middle brother disappeared for 25 years and we thought he was dead.

So in our family there was definitely a difference, but I've never been sure why. I should read one of those books.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

pattypeep — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 16:34:30 GMT

@SaRina Thank you. I didn't feel bad about it, but I was shocked, frankly. We've always had pets from the time the kids were growing up. My two other children have pets and love them. My middle son has none and hasn't had since he left home. I'll never, ever stop smooching my furbabies.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

pattypeep — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 16:37:54 GMT

@qvcfreak You are very fortunate. My three brothers and I all stayed close by near our parents and it was the best. Unfortunately, all three of my kids moved away fairly young and now are in three different states. Perhaps it would have been different had they remained closer geographically. ??

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

Vivian — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 17:31:43 GMT

My 94 year old mother was a middle child and I do think that her being the second girl, before a much wanted boy who was the third child, dictated her life. One story is a metaphor for her attitude. When she was a young girl, she found a ring. It turned out to be quite valuable. My grandmother reported the find to the police who told her that if no one claimed the ring in a month, the ring could be kept. The month passed and nobody claimed it. My mother was thrilled. However, her older sister made a fuss and my grandmother made my mother give the ring to her older sister. Why? Because the older sister cared more about the ring and the younger sister should accede to her older sister's wishes.

My mother told me that story many, many years after it happened. I was furious! How could her mother have done that? It seems that my immigrant grandmother thought more of her first born, and of course her son, than my mother, the middle child. To this day, my mother doesn't like to spend money on herself, as if she's unworthy. It makes me angry and sad.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

Trinity11 — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 16:44:07 GMT

@pattypeep wrote:
There have been books written about birth order, etc. Do you believe the middle child(ren) have issues that the other children may not have? I suspect that my middle son has a persecution complex that seems to be worsening as he gets older. He's never been married and is 46. My first and third child are so different and such a joy to be around. When my middle son visited this past summer I couldn't wait for him to leave. Sad, but true. It became so tiring with him complaining about everyone and everything. Even his father. Then, it turns out me, too. He went to visit my youngest son when he left here and apparently told him that I lived in a zoo and that I'm crazy because I kiss my cockatiel. (We have two dogs, a cat, and my sweet cockatiel that I recently re-homed). I sent him a check for his birthday which I always do and he didn't cash it. I haven't heard from him since. He lives in another state. This is probably TMI, but I'm really befuddled. PS: We have always had a good relationship in the past and as he was growing up.

Is it possible he "felt" it that you couldn't wait for him to leave? Does he have relationships with women? He may feel different because he senses some disapproval from you.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

qvcfreak — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 16:46:56 GMT

@pattypeep Thank you and yes the moving away could have something to do with it. Our only son left to attend school at 17 and says he won't come back to the valley. We do text, email and recently started doing FaceTime. He is 21 now and still makes all the holidays. Hope he stays close.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

pattypeep — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 16:58:36 GMT

@Trinity11 I don't think so because he knew how excited I was that he was coming. I took him to see his aunt the day before he left. As soon as we got out of the car at her house he yelled at me for telling his younger brother that he was coming and that he would stop by his house on his way home. (This came out of nowhere). I said I didn't tell his younger brother anything.and for him to call him and ask him. He did and younger brother confirmed and middle son did apologize. Then said he was leaving to visit younger brother. What?? Here's a kicker for you in answer to your question. He has had girlfriends but nothing serious apparently. He has a friend with benefits that is my age!! He said they love each other but can't live together. OMG.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

pattypeep — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 17:01:04 GMT

@Vivian Doggone it, that was just wrong. How very sad and more so that this incident has affected her whole life.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

Trinity11 — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 17:04:46 GMT

@pattypeep wrote:
@Trinity11 I don't think so because he knew how excited I was that he was coming. I took him to see his aunt the day before he left. As soon as we got out of the car at her house he yelled at me for telling his younger brother that he was coming and that he would stop by his house on his way home. (This came out of nowhere). I said I didn't tell his younger brother anything.and for him to call him and ask him. He did and younger brother confirmed and middle son did apologize. Then said he was leaving to visit younger brother. What?? Here's a kicker for you in answer to your question. He has had girlfriends but nothing serious apparently. He has a friend with benefits that is my age!! He said they love each other but can't live together. OMG.

Don't take anything too personally. I have found over the years that I am very sensitive to my children's moods. Often times, it has something to do with their jobs and personal life.... having nothing to do with me. As far as his friend with benefits, you probably are not hearing the entire story from him. I sense there is more to it than he is telling you....

Just be a mom to him as you always have and keep on trying. Our children our so very worth our love no matter what bumps in the road we encounter with them.

From one mom to another.....hang in there....

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

saltysails — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 17:05:20 GMT

I think this is all hogwash. My middle child was the sweetest of the bundh. He was so well behaved, even as a toddler and so so nice. I think I had many neighbors that wanted to just take him home with them.

I do think that middle children can feel that they did not receive the same attention level from their parents as their siblings. Life is what it is and excuses for bad behavior get you no where.

Re: "MIddle Child" Issues?

cherry — Wed, 04 Jan 2017 17:09:04 GMT

I think its a bunch of malarkey.. What if you have 1 child and they are not nice , or 2 children and they both are problems.? Each of us are individuals, with our own personalities, for good or bad