topic Re: What would you do? in Community Chat

What would you do?

Pqfan — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:23:54 GMT

Someone keeps complaining to me about someone that is cleary wrong for them and I used to give advice but they never listened to it.

Don't you think it is time I shut up?

Do I listen and just not give any advice or tell them I don't even want to hear it anymore?

I feel bad just listening and letting them flounder looking for help but what is the point if they don't even listen?

Re: What would you do?

cherry — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:30:26 GMT

I guess it all depends on what your relationship is, and how telling them something, they don't want to hear ,will affect it?

If you tell you don't want to hear it, that might end your friendship.

I would gently ask them how you can help, since they don't take your advice,

Re: What would you do?

Redboots — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:33:22 GMT

Do they really want help or just someone to listen to them? That's hard to determine, but key to making a decision about what you should do. Maybe just gently ask them what they think they should do and support them or counsel them.

Re: What would you do?

Snowpuppy — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:36:20 GMT

You can't fix stupid.

Re: What would you do?

Laura14 — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:37:11 GMT

I agree it depends on your relationship and how close you are.

If she is looking to vent, I personally would not have much time for that.

If she is sincerely looking for an opinion and/or help, I personally would invest some more effort with her.

My advice is to flat out ask: "Do you just want to vent or do you really want to listen to what I would do in your situation?"

Her response (verbal or otherwise) will usually speak volumes as to whether or not you want to give anymore of your day to her.

Good Luck!

Re: What would you do?

beckyb1012 — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:37:38 GMT

This may be how they prefer their life, Drama.

Your time is too valuable to continue listen to someone who does not listen to you.

Re: What would you do?

RainyDayGal — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:41:04 GMT

Are they really looking for advise or just venting? Either way, it's time to just keep quiet. Just tell them you don't have any advise or answers. The relationship will fizzle on its own.

Re: What would you do?

Pqfan — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:41:12 GMT

Thanks so much everyone.

I think they just want to vent because they are afraid to stand up to their person.

I have basically become the dumping ground for their vents and they at like nothing is wrong when they speak to their partner.

The problem with that is I have my own issues and things that need to be focused on and I don't have the heart to tell them to stop venting.

Re: What would you do?

Shanus — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:42:17 GMT

@Pqfan Nothing like a little honesty. The "someone" asks for an opinion, but clearly is not willing to take the advice you are giving. I would let them know that you have given all the advice you have to give and hope that they can sort out their feelings and come to a decision that's best for them. If the requests for advice continue, I'd say I have no other suggestions other than what I've given you. Eventually they'll get the point & stop asking.

Re: What would you do?

Laura14 — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:43:10 GMT

@Pqfan wrote:
Thanks so much everyone.

I think they just want to vent because they are afraid to stand up to their person.

I have basically become the dumping ground for their vents and they at like nothing is wrong when they speak to their partner.

The problem with that is I have my own issues and things that need to be focused on and I don't have the heart to tell them to stop venting.

@Pqfan You can't control their vent. Just have something else or somewhere else to go or do when she starts and she'll hopefully get the message that your ear is closed for business.

Re: What would you do?

LilacTree — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:48:01 GMT

@Pqfan wrote:
Someone keeps complaining to me about someone that is cleary wrong for them and I used to give advice but they never listened to it.

Don't you think it is time I shut up?

Do I listen and just not give any advice or tell them I don't even want to hear it anymore?

I feel bad just listening and letting them flounder looking for help but what is the point if they don't even listen?

@Pqfan

Bingo!! Seriously, I have lost friends this way, and so have my daughters. It can be said nicely (but they don't listen) however, you can try. Advice from a friend never works anyway, and you'll wind up being blamed if it goes wrong.

Re: What would you do?

QVCkitty1 — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:48:19 GMT

I had a close friend, we were like sisters. Her life was constant drama, and I foolishly tried to give her help or advice. I was young, and it took me a long time to realize that I was her audience, and when I needed help, she didn't want to yield the stage. Only you know how much of this you can listen to. For me , our friendship ended when I realized I wasn't as important to her, as she was to me.

Re: What would you do?

Pqfan — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:48:59 GMT

I am just going to listen and not say anything else to try to help them.

I would just cold turkey tell them to stop but they cry so easily!

I asked them did you tell your partner all of the things you are telling me?

They do but they "sugar coat" everything so it loses impact.

In 2017 I really need to focus on myself more and I just don't have the energy to deal with the relationship stuff of other people.

Re: What would you do?

PinkyPetunia — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:50:27 GMT

It sounds like this person doesn't really want advice, they just want to vent or complain. I'd get tired of listening after a while. Change the subject and start talking about yourself. See how that goes over. Or get up and remember something you have to do. Anything to change the conversation.

Re: What would you do?

Tinkrbl44 — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:52:42 GMT

@Laura14 wrote:
I agree it depends on your relationship and how close you are.

If she is looking to vent, I personally would not have much time for that.

If she is sincerely looking for an opinion and/or help, I personally would invest some more effort with her.

My advice is to flat out ask: "Do you just want to vent or do you really want to listen to what I would do in your situation?"

Her response (verbal or otherwise) will usually speak volumes as to whether or not you want to give anymore of your day to her.

Good Luck!

@Laura14 @Pqfan

Excellent advice !!

Re: What would you do?

Pqfan — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 17:58:47 GMT

@QVCkitty1 wrote:
I had a close friend, we were like sisters. Her life was constant drama, and I foolishly tried to give her help or advice. I was young, and it took me a long time to realize that I was her audience, and when I needed help, she didn't want to yield the stage. Only you know how much of this you can listen to. For me , our friendship ended when I realized I wasn't as important to her, as she was to me.

@QVCkitty1This hit home with me big time!

I am "their audience"

Well the audience has just left the building!

Re: What would you do?

Tinkrbl44 — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 18:12:08 GMT

@Pqfan wrote:
Thanks so much everyone.

I think they just want to vent because they are afraid to stand up to their person.

I have basically become the dumping ground for their vents and they at like nothing is wrong when they speak to their partner.

The problem with that is I have my own issues and things that need to be focused on and I don't have the heart to tell them to stop venting.

@Pqfan

I've read every post and find it rather odd that you didn't mention if they are male or female, or what your relationship to this person is.

Is this a relative? A co-worker? How often do you see them?

Perhaps you haven't noticed that this person is "afraid to speak to their partner" ..... and yet YOU cannot speak to this person. What's up with that?

IMO, you need to cut these gripe sessions short.

Examples --

You can say they need to re-think WHY they are even in this relationship that obviously isn't working, because it's clear they are very unhappy. Have they considered they are with the WRONG person for a successful relationship?

You could say you don't want to give any advice because they don't follow it anyway, or do anything differently. Suggest they talk to a therapist because the problem isn't getting solved; they are just running in circles.

You could say something like let's change the subject, period. Time to talk about more pleasant topics.

Yes, it's nice to be a sounding board for a friend now and then, BUT it sounds to me this person is abusing your friendship .... and you keep letting them do it. JMO

Re: What would you do?

LilacTree — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 18:19:09 GMT

@PinkyPetunia

I had a very long term friend who used to call me every single day. It seemed to me she had a clock timer, because she would give me about five minutes to talk (always asked me what was new) and then it was an hour on all her "stuff."

When we were in a group it was as though I wasn't there. Believe it or not, I did this for 60 years.

One day she screamed a really horrible bigoted thing at some boys who were goofing around the highway she was driving on. Noted, they shouldn't have been doing that, but the thing she said was the most hateful thing I had ever heard. Something went "BOING" in my head and I knew I was done. This was not a good person and she never was. I was so dumbstruck I didn't say a word.

A few weeks later in a phone conversation, this incident came up. She boldly denied having said it . . . she said "those words never came out of my mouth." I reminded her she had said it to ME. She then got very nasty and I put the phone down. She was always a liar too, an excellent one.

We didn't talk for three weeks. I then received an email from her that she never wanted to speak to me again and I should never call her again. I did not answer the email nor have I called. That was three years ago.

I won't say there weren't good things about our relationship and that I do sometimes miss her. But I couldn't take the bad things anymore.

I'm trying to say there are upsides and downsides to any relationship, including friendships. Sooner or later you will get that "boing" in your head and you will know what to do.

Re: What would you do?

Pqfan — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 18:23:35 GMT

@Tinkrbl44 I am so sorry I didn't mention whether they were male or femaIe I was worried if they would see this.

Like you said the gripe sessions have to stop.

I actually have been having chest pains and headaches lately listening to their rants/vents

After they rant then they cry and go right back to the person that caused it.

Re: What would you do?

Laura14 — Fri, 30 Dec 2016 18:26:29 GMT

@Pqfan wrote:
@Tinkrbl44 I am so sorry I didn't mention whether they were male or femaIe I was worried if they would see this.

Like you said the gripe sessions have to stop.
I actually have been having chest pains and headaches lately listening to their rants/vents
After they rant then they cry and go right back to the person that caused it.

@Pqfan Whoa, you take care of you first. Immediately. If that's not your new resolution it should be. That's not okay and you need to stop it even if you tell her the truth that you have a headache and are not feeling well. And don't forget the doctor to be sure it's just stress. We like you around here and don't want to lose you.