topic Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age in Q Talk

Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

Pasta Lover — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 06:42:26 GMT

Hi,

I ama 69 yr old woman with various physical and emotional problems. I have been married to a man for over 20 years who has abused me severely with vertbally & psychologically. He knew i was sick with stress and anxiety before the marriage but he never cared how sick he makes me. The constant yelling and screaming eacg day. My anxiety and depression has worsened greatly! I never leave the house for weaks unless I have a doctor's appointment or sometimes if I am not sick a hair appointment. All these years I have cooked and cleaned a huge house alone with no appreciation. He yells every week and wants me to carry out garbage too. He always is in a bad mood, freshi talking at me or over me. Answers me back viciosly. I have lifted hundreds of pounds carried, and climbed without help. Now i have been diagnosed with a huge hernia needing asap surgery. I ended up in the Er 3 nights ago with terrible pain from it. To be cruel he made a wrong turn to the ER to make me suffer and the long way. I have a therapist but she doesn't know anymore what to say. I stay for the medical benefits and feel I have no other way to get out of this torture. Please pray for me!

Thanks,

Linda S.

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

phoenixbrd — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 09:49:33 GMT

@Pasta Lover I am so sorry. Unfortunately, this board can offer you support to help yourself, but only you can take the steps necessary.

You have the ability to leave the house to seek help.....change your therapist if yours is not helpful. Find a supportive group whether it be at a spiritual center/church/synagogue so you are able to interact with others. Twelve step programs are free ...you can do an internet search to find one that would be appropriate for you. Some cities offer free group counselfing for situations like yours. If you have family/friends spend some time with them, you may have become isolated and now is the time to reach out. Be sure you are taking care of yourself...diet, sleep, exercise and stress relief strategies. Have you made an appointment for follow-up on your hernia. Spend some time in nature and start nurturing yourself. Be determined to take steps that serve you.

Your thoughts, words, and actions are critical....you are a woman able to make choices. Go to the library and find a book that resonants with you that might help you through this situation and read spiritual books of your choice. Perspective is everything, you are not a victim, you have choices...all the actions that I have suggested will offer support and possibly lead to you decding to make major changes in your life.

There is so much I could share, but it is inappropriate on a public board. It is a first step that you reached out....take action, love yourself, seek to take the steps that will nurture you. Much love

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

AngelPuppy1 — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 10:39:06 GMT

@Pasta Lover

I am the same age as you and speaking only for myself, I feel as I have aged, I have gotten more frail in both my body and my emotions. Things I could put up with and handle when I was younger, I struggle with now. I don't know all your situation and that is your business. But I want to say, not knowing with clarity, all that you are going through, that I do wish that you could get away from this relationship, which seems very toxic and unhealthy to you. If you have children, could they offer assistane? Please speak to your doctors, trusted friend, clergy, church friend --- anyone who could offer some help and advice to you. If you are able financially to get out of this situation, please do so! You shouldn't have to live this way if you can find your way clear to remove yourself. Blessings.

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

QVCPhobe — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 11:09:52 GMT

I am so sosrry for what iss happening to youl. I used to be a social worker for CPS. You can make a referral anonomously to Adult Proctective Services, There are also women's shelters that may able to help you. Do you have any family?

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

bobby5 — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 12:16:20 GMT

@Pasta Lover

phoenixbrd, AngelPuppy1, and QVCPhobe gave you wonderful words of wisdom. Please read what they said & try your best to follow through.

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

Auntie CC — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 12:22:11 GMT

Good Morning Linda,

1. 69 is not old!!

2. Sounds like you are depressed. Inaction and abuse will do that to any one.

3. Get off the pitty pot and start doing something to help yourself.

4. Make an appointment with a lawyer. He'll fill you in on your protection financilly and physically under the law.

5. Fire your therapist. If they can't help you with this mess, move on.

6. Make plans for the rest of your life. Step into the sunshine. Smell the roses.

Most of all, you've got a friend in me. I think that's a song?

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

bobby5 — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 12:31:40 GMT

@Auntie CC

Amen!

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

Othereeeen — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 14:19:30 GMT

NO woman(or man, for that matter) today has to put up with ANY kind of abuse from a spouse or significant other.

You have no young kids....But you DO have a house, a husband, and if you're 69, Medicare elegibilty or Medicaid, and Social Security. If there are cash assets, you have that too.

You need to see a lawyer TOMORROW. Assets can be split, married more than ten years and then divorced you will get HIS social security amount if larger than your own benefit ( WITHOUT affecting him....he still gets his)..

There are MANY support systems out there for older singles, but start with a trip to the lawyer.

Be safe if you do this. Most domestic abuse injuries and deaths occur when the woman makes the decision to leave and does.

Get out the phone book TODAY and find a divorce attorney. Why stay married to someone you hate and who probably hates YOU?

You could live another 25 years. NO WAY should you put up with this.

If you do nothing, NOTHING will change.

Don't let him become your "perpetual problem" that you complain about to everyone who will listen, but then do NOTHING to stop it.

And, not to be obvious, but ALL the things you mention that you "do" are things MOST people do every day or week. I am 65, live alone, and mow, shovel, trim shrubs, shop, take out the trash, change the oil in the mowers, wash windows, keep my home including my garage clean and orderly.

I would not trade ALONE and peace and quiet for ANYTHING!!!!!

Good luck Now get that lawyer's number!!!

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

qvcaddition — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 13:54:39 GMT

You are not old. You need to realize you are a worthy person and he is an abuser you need to get away.

I had this situation in my younger years with 3babies and no job, it was the 60,s. After I was beaten up badly, almost killed and he demolished the inside of the house in a drunken rage, I left.

much more to story, even calling the police, who were his buddies, small town, I had to get away.

you have to be strong and care about yourself. You can complain all you want, but only you can change your situation. I know it,s not easy, but only you can do it. Please start making your plans to do so.

We had marriage counseling, didn,t help., but you have to want to leave.

today women have rights. In the 50,s and 60,s we were scrxxxxed. Couldn,t even get a CC. My babies were 5,7,9, no job, no money, but wonderful people willing to help me when I made up My mind to leave, but it was up to me to take that step. It was not easy, but I finally found peace and self worth and good people.

You still have a lot of years ahead of you, don,t waste them, life is precious. I wish I was your age again.

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

kaydee50 — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 14:01:20 GMT

While I'm certainly sympathetic to the OP. she has been married to this abusive man for 20 years! What I find even sadder is that there are women who will put up with a man's abuse rather than be alone.

I hope she follows the advice of previous posters who told her to find a good lawyer and get out!

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

jubilant — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 14:16:24 GMT

I did say a prayer for you. I asked God to give you wisdom as to what to do. You have been given lots of good advice so it is really up to you now to make your choices. Live the rest of your years like you are now.....or get support and make a difference in the way you live your life. Life is short.

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

qvcaddition — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 14:19:11 GMT

@kaydee50

@kaydee50 wrote:
While I'm certainly sympathetic to the OP. she has been married to this abusive man for 20 years! What I find even sadder is that there are women who will put up with a man's abuse rather than be alone.

I hope she follows the advice of previous posters who told her to find a good lawyer and get out!

You hit the nail on the head. Afraid to be alone instead of happy and loving themselves and self worth. Yet it,s not easy, but in time you get stronger and you learn how to take care of yourself and have boundries.

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

wagirl — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 14:27:52 GMT

Sounds like you need to talk to a good lawyer specializing in womens issues---and if you have any good friends/family, they need to help you do this----you need to reach out to them for help--I would start writing down EVERYTHING that you just told us about, as well as any incidences from previous years including dates and time-----make sure your dr/medical team also knows about your home issues--document everything----I feel for you but you are the one that needs to take the first step---I know that is hugely unfair as you are the victim. Just please be careful.

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

Othereeeen — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 15:01:20 GMT

OP.....the ONLY thing worse than enduring twenty years of such behavior, is enduring it for ONE more day.....

Please take the advice offered and get on with YOUR life....You are, for all intents and purposes, alone NOW.

I guarantee ( from experience) that being alone for real is not as bad as you might think in your mind.

PEACE is so restorative!!!

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

drizzellla — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 15:08:43 GMT

@Pasta Lover

This statement that you wrote struck a nerve with me -

" I stay for the medical benefits and feel I have no other way to get out of this torture."

Since you are 69 years old, are you on Medicare?

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

bobby5 — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 15:22:34 GMT

@drizzellla

GREAT point about Medicare!

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

qvcaddition — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 15:36:46 GMT

@Pasta Lover

@drizzellla wrote:
@Pasta Lover

This statement that you wrote struck a nerve with me -

" I stay for the medical benefits and feel I have no other way to get out of this torture."

Since you are 69 years old, are you on Medicare?

In todays world, you can get medical help. I hate to say it again, but I had 3 small children and no medical until I got a good attorney. I was even losing the house, until my attorney got me in two weeks before they changed the law where you had to split the cost of the home or pay off the other spouse.

I was not a religious person, but I went to church and God helped me I feel. No one from the church came to offer any help, but good neighbors did and my grandma.

He never paid alimoney, and would deduct the food and gas when he picked up the kids, which wasn't often. It was very rough. After not working for 10 years, was a homemaker, I had to go to work, which was even rougher worrying about the kids. We had no day care, just neighbors and grandma, but we made it. I never went on welfare because I was raised if you could work, that is what you did. I wish i had, i could have stayed with my kids more. Two are retired today from very good careers and one will retire in two years. So being a single mom didn't mean your kids could not be raised to have values.

I tell young women today, keep a seperate bank account, and learn how to do things yourself. Don't just depend on a man to take care of you. Still be a good wife, but be true to yourself and take in knowledge and be self sufficent. I could write a book on my life and proberly could other women, but you just have yourself to take care of and time to start.

After my kids left home, i remarried, had my own home and got a pre nup. Don't be neive and stupid.

Kaiser has a good plan for low income seniors. Won't go into it here, but check it out. If you make less than 36,000 a year, you get free medical if approved. You don't pay for prescription, or Dr. visits or any treatments.

You can look for all kinds of excuses because you are afraid, but start making a plan to leave the jerk. Sorry, but I get angry when women put up with abuse.

I'm 85 today and take care of myself. I have to laugh when I hear of life coaches that are in their 20's. You can't be a life coach until you have really lived it.

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

Vivian — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 15:37:02 GMT

To the O/P, has your husband's behavior worsened over the last several years? The reason I ask is that IF he has become more violent and abusive, he may be heading for cognitive decline, even dementia. Of course I may be totally wrong. I don't know anything about your family dynamics so take my comments with a grain of salt.

Regardless of what is at work here, nobody should stay in an abusive relationship. There are agencies that can help. What is most worrisome is that verbal abuse can become physical abuse. You need help and support. You CAN get out of this.

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

SeaMaiden — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 15:37:28 GMT

I do not think these boards are the place to help you. I will pray for you that you are able to leave the B*****D or that he comes to some ending that frees you of him. We all make choices in life, and sadly you chose to remain with him all these years. You gave him the power....

A lesson for younger women to know that they do not have to live with abuse.

Re: Severe Verbal & Mental Abuse At Old Age

Kachina624 — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 16:37:00 GMT

You stay with an abuser and user for the medical benefits? You do not need a husband to enroll in and use Medicare, and you can ENROLL in your own supplemental plan. That's a cop out. You need to see a lawyer about getting away from your present situation. Only you can take the action necessary to improve your lot in life. GET STARTED TODAY!