topic Re: Depression in Wellness

Depression

mistriTsquirrel — Mon, 29 May 2017 14:22:53 GMT

For any of you who have had severe depression...

How do you motivate yourself to get out of bed and go to work, to bathe, to eat, to keep in contact with others?

What options have you found that have helped you after doctors have told you that there aren't any more options in terms of medication/therapy?

What do you say to yourself when your life seems abysmal and pointless?

What do you tell yourself when you think about giving up?

How do you avoid a hospitalization when you feel that one may be on the horizon? When do you decide it's time for one?

I know that many of you may tell me that God got you through...but I don't approach religion and "God" that way...so I'm hoping I can get some suggestions that don't seek to push me into a belief system that is at odds with what I believe.

I'm just wondering what practical things others are doing to make life better for themselves. I'm at a point in my life where I'd like to abandon my job and my life, disappear and start over...but I know that my depression will still be there even if I attempt to run away...so I'm trying to think of new options...or be reminded of options I may have forgotten...

--mistri

Edited to add: FYI--This topic is missing a large chunk of posts. The original post was made in May of 2013, and the first reply that appears was made in 2014. The missing posts disappeared when the forums changed to a new format, so that is why there is a huge gap between this post and the first reply shown. A lot happened between May of 2013 and January of 2014, so if some of the replies don't seem to make sense, it's because those posts are missing.

My father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in August of 2013; many posts may be related to that.

Re: Depression

Amber J — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 02:50:00 GMT

My sweet Mistri.......... I am thinking of you and your dear father and entire family. I know how hard this............ and the stress of losing someone you love so dearly. Your father is on my mind a lot, as are you..... I was at the Pet Store yesterday and thought of you : ))... those little pigs.....((I can't spell the word and I even used to have them too/sorry))... I have not found any magic solution to stop worrying..... if I do, I will send you an entire bottle of it !!! I promise.

I leave you a piece of my heart to help you along for a bit now...much love and support, ~Jxx

Re: Depression

Amber J — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 02:53:05 GMT

OH MY...........I am so sorry... Well, as they say GO BIG OR GO HOME.... yikes..

Webbie will ground me for sure..........jeez....Where is my Geritol....or whatever that stuff was.....

Re: Depression

mistriTsquirrel — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 05:13:08 GMT

Thanks, Amber. I had a long reply typed to you, but the site froze up when I tried using an emoticon, so my reply is lost.

I'll be back though...I'm just irritated that I typed all of that out for nothing.

Re: Depression

fortune — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 06:49:17 GMT

Mistri, I have been looking for your post about the Monday meeting. I'm so sorry that the cancer has spread. You are doing the right thing--looking at things realistically but continuing to do research and meet with your Dad's doctors. I have been writing down some of my thoughts and will post a few at a time. You are dealing with so much now, you've got to give yourself and your brain a rest in order to build up your strength!!

I want you to know that my thoughts are with you and your family. HUGS to everyone, including Heidi, Carl, and Carmine.

Re: Depression

mistriTsquirrel — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 06:54:53 GMT

Thanks, guys.

I think it's been hardest to watch my family deal with the crushing disappointment of finding out that my dad is not a candidate for surgery (I already pretty much knew that) and the news that his cancer has spread.

I was not at my parents' house when my brother and family left on the 31st, but my mom said that my brother said goodbye while my sister-in-law and the kids were already in the car. He told my parents he loved them and goodbye, and started to walk away. Then he stopped, turned back and said, "I love you, Dad." He had a tear rolling down his face. I think he is scared he will never see his dad alive again...that this cancer could progress so fast that he will be gone in a flash.

I talked to my dad, my mom and my brother today. There was talk of whether or not Cancer Treatment Centers of America could/would help my dad, going to a grief seminar at hospice and other things. My brother said he has been a basket case since my dad's appointment. He said that when he told his boss he might need extra time off, he started to cry. I can't imagine my brother crying at work. I know this is tearing everyone in my family up. The person who has been most stoic is my dad...and I'm really, really concerned about that. My mom said that he did cry once...but whenever I talk to him, he acts like everything is just fine. I feel like he could be headed for a breakdown if he doesn't deal with what's going on.

Anyway, my heart is heavy, and I'm going to leave this thread for awhile; I just thought I'd pop in and thank you guys.

Love,

mistri

Re: Depression

jbinrwc — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 07:12:17 GMT

mistri, I know you don't know me but my heart went out to you when I saw your messages on the Cancer Survivors thread a few months ago. I'm sorry that did not turn out well. You had the misfortune of posting at a time of great upheaval on that thread. You would have gotten a much warmer reception under different circumstances. I have gotten a lot of support from all of the ladies there as I have fought breast cancer since New Year's Eve 2012. They really are a very warm and caring group of women. Sorry that you were not able to see that side of them at the time.

I'm so sorry to read about your Dad. My Dad died of cancer almost ten years ago. My heart goes out to you as I have experienced the pain that you and your brother are feeling now. You are so strong and I hope your strength will help you through many of the days to come. Please know that there are people here who send you hugs and will think of you over the coming days and months whether or not you are here. I know that you may not even see this but wanted to write anyway.

Re: Depression

lolakimono — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 13:12:43 GMT

Mistri,

Just a thought, but does your brother Skype? With illness it's always good to be able to speak face to face without always having to travel, so that might be an option for him. My dad was able to join us for a Christmas Skype session with the West Coast relatives before he passed.

Re: Depression

mistriTsquirrel — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 07:58:28 GMT

On 1/2/2014 JBinRWC said:
mistri, I know you don't know me but my heart went out to you when I saw your messages on the Cancer Survivors thread a few months ago. I'm sorry that did not turn out well. You had the misfortune of posting at a time of great upheaval on that thread. You would have gotten a much warmer reception under different circumstances. I have gotten a lot of support from all of the ladies there as I have fought breast cancer since New Year's Eve 2012. They really are a very warm and caring group of women. Sorry that you were not able to see that side of them at the time.

I'm so sorry to read about your Dad. My Dad died of cancer almost ten years ago. My heart goes out to you as I have experienced the pain that you and your brother are feeling now. You are so strong and I hope your strength will help you through many of the days to come. Please know that there are people here who send you hugs and will think of you over the coming days and months whether or not you are here. I know that you may not even see this but wanted to write anyway.

Thanks, JBinRWC.

I do stop back here periodically, even though I don't post a lot right now.

I feel like I have been grieving alone for many months, and now my family is starting to grieve. It's odd that I'm the one saying I really want to get my dad to Cancer Treatment Centers, and my mom is now the "negative nancy." (She caught up with me, I guess.) I know she's just being realistic though; my dad doesn't want to turn his life upside-down, he wants to go on as he has been...pretending that this isn't happening (most of the time). I'm concerned about how he will handle the final stretch of his life.

I know I dropped into that thread at a bad time...but I also feel that I don't exactly "belong" there, since I'm not a cancer survivor myself. (I probably will get cancer eventually; that's the usual cause of death on both sides of my family.) I'm thinking it's best to stay here on my own thread. However, I'm also planning on attending a grief seminar (hoping my mom will go too) that hospice offers. You have to attend that meeting first before you can be part of any of their groups; I'm guessing I will be joining a group there if any of them seem appropriate (for people who haven't actually lost a loved-one yet, maybe...?).

I'm glad to hear that you are a survivor!!! It takes a lot of strength to get from a cancer diagnosis to being healthy again. It's good to hear people say they are survivors, because it gives me hope that if/when cancer strikes my family again, there's a chance we can beat it.

Once I am able, I plan to work with a group that raises awareness about my dad's type of cancer--esophageal adenocarcinoma. Lots of people don't even know that heartburn can cause cancer. I wish my family had known. I want people to become aware of his type of cancer, so that we can have more survivors of esophageal cancer!!!

Thanks again for your kind wishes and thoughts, JB!!

Love,

mistri

Re: Depression

mistriTsquirrel — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 08:04:57 GMT

On 1/3/2014 lolakimono said:
Mistri,

Just a thought, but does your brother Skype? With illness it's always good to be able to speak face to face without always having to travel, so that might be an option for him. My dad was able to join us for a Christmas Skype session with the West Coast relatives before he passed.

That's a good idea!!

I'm sure my dad and brother could Skype. I don't have a webcam, and I just have DSL...so I'd probably just be at my parents' house to Skype when possible. The only issue would be getting my dad to stay off his IPod long enough. (He loves that thing.)

Re: Depression

fortune — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 08:14:44 GMT

What a wonderful plan, Mistri! Educating others about esophageal cancer is so needed. Think of all the good you can do!

Have you been able to talk to your Dad? I wonder if getting him to talk to you would be helpful for him?

Have you done any research on the Cancer Treatment Centers. I haven't. They really spend a lot of money advertising, though. Maybe getting in touch with them would yield results as to what they could possible do for him.

Thinking of you, Mistri!!!

Jasper is giving his best doggie friend, Giles, a kiss! He sends you one, too!!!

Re: Depression

mistriTsquirrel — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 08:31:13 GMT

Thanks for sending the Jasper kisses along, Fortune!

I've looked over the CTCofA website, and it seems like their approach is much more comprehensive than that of other places. That said, what little they offered of stats regarding my father's type of cancer wasn't as promising as I'd hoped...so I don't know if they can help him or not...I'm just looking for something. Clinical trials for his type of cancer are harder to come by than some other types of cancer, so I'm not sure if he will be accepted into one of those or not...or if he wants to be.

The last time I spoke to him, he acted as if everything is fine. He tends to do that. When I ask him questions that cause him to feel uncomfortable, he gets irritated, changes the subject or tells me to ask mom. It really upset me when I called last weekend and told him I thought I had the flu, and I asked him if he could call one of his doctors and ask if he was well enough that I could be around him (with a mask). He told me that if I didn't feel well, I should just stay home. If my mother hadn't called his chemo oncologist, I would've missed out on the entire visit with my brother's family and my parents all together. I felt kind of like he didn't care whether or not I was there. I felt that way on Christmas day too.

So...I haven't had much luck trying to talk to him.

Anyway...I'm going step away from this thread for awhile, I think.

I'll talk to you later, Fortune!!

Love,

mistri

Re: Depression

mistriTsquirrel — Sat, 08 Feb 2014 09:14:20 GMT

I've decided to re-post this here, from another forum and thread, because I feel it's worth repeating...not just for those who have lost loved ones, but also for those who are struggling with life in general...

--mistri

To all of you who have lost loved ones...

I'm looking at the loss of my parents. My father's cancer is progressing steadily, and my brother and I don't believe my mother will be able to carry on much longer after he passes. My best friend will be fortunate if her AML does not return in the next few years, and the other close friend I have has something seriously wrong with her medically, but she refuses to get the bone marrow test she needs that will tell her why she keeps getting so sick. (To top it off, even though the ex and I had a nice time spending time with one another, I feel he is fading out of my life.)

The four people I am closest to are all in danger, and there doesn't seem to be anything to do to stop them from leaving this earth.

However,

I have found meaning in the slow-motion train wreck that I see coming. For others, it may be that they need to find meaning in the ruins that their train wreck has left behind.

I think about what I will not have in the future, and the only train of thought I can possibly pursue that will lead me somewhere good is to craft a new future for myself that gives me new purpose.

For years I've been ambivalent in many ways. Now I know that my future must include certain elements if I am to stand strong. I know that I must educate people regarding my father's form of cancer. I know that I must follow the career path that I now know is meant for me, and that the awful things that will happen are going to make me better at my career. I also know that I must finish writing these books that are still in their infancy.

I've learned that I need to have a purpose in life in order to escape the sense of hopelessness that threatens to overcome me, and I need to build a new life.

I hope that people lost in sorrow can take the sadness, anger and feelings of senselessness regarding their losses and turn them into purpose, fuel and comfort.

Re: Depression

dooBdoo — Sat, 22 Feb 2014 07:30:17 GMT

(((mistri))) I don't know when or if you'll return to this thread, but I wanted to post here and tell you you're in my prayers every day.

With all the losses I've had, from my teen years up to the present, they didn't all come at once. Of course, we can't compare situations, we can't compare pain, but I do know I can't imagine the stress, the sadness, and the grief you feel.

I've tried to think of something to say that would help, and I don't have words of wisdom. I admire your strength and determination, I admire the fact that you're facing your fear and being diligent, loving, supportive for these special people who are facing their own fears. I hope in the process you remember to find ways, no matter how small, to pamper yourself, give love to yourself, sustain your emotional and physical health. Just as parents are instructed before each flight on a plane, you must place that oxygen mask on your face first.

May God bless and keep you and your loved ones, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

Re: Depression

mistriTsquirrel — Sat, 22 Feb 2014 07:54:44 GMT

On 2/21/2014 dooBdoo said:
(((mistri))) I don't know when or if you'll return to this thread, but I wanted to post here and tell you you're in my prayers every day.

With all the losses I've had, from my teen years up to the present, they didn't all come at once. Of course, we can't compare situations, we can't compare pain, but I do know I can't imagine the stress, the sadness, and the grief you feel.

I've tried to think of something to say that would help, and I don't have words of wisdom. I admire your strength and determination, I admire the fact that you're facing your fear and being diligent, loving, supportive for these special people who are facing their own fears. I hope in the process you remember to find ways, no matter how small, to pamper yourself, give love to yourself, sustain your emotional and physical health. Just as parents are instructed before each flight on a plane, you must place that oxygen mask on your face first.

May God bless and keep you and your loved ones, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

Thank you, dooBdoo.

I have the "luxury" of knowing ahead of time what is around the bend. I can't imagine what it would be like to suddenly lose the person I've spent my life with. You are a strong woman, and I'm not sure I could be so strong if the rug were pulled out from under me in such a way.

I feel that our situations are different, but we have grief in common.

I wish the best for you dooBdoo; you deserve it!!!

Re: Depression

tiamaria — Sat, 22 Feb 2014 19:11:30 GMT

OP....I just stumbled across this thread. I want you to know that through this thread, through all the hundreds of posters posting and their wise advice, people have been enlightened, helped, or just comforted in a some sort of way. Whether it is realizing they are not alone, realizing they are not suffering alone, reading a post that gives them that moment where they realize something about about themselves, or just finding comfort in all the advice. This has without a doubt helped someone. Thank you.

Re: Depression

mistriTsquirrel — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 06:06:39 GMT

On 2/22/2014 tiamaria said:
OP....I just stumbled across this thread. I want you to know that through this thread, through all the hundreds of posters posting and their wise advice, people have been enlightened, helped, or just comforted in a some sort of way. Whether it is realizing they are not alone, realizing they are not suffering alone, reading a post that gives them that moment where they realize something about about themselves, or just finding comfort in all the advice. This has without a doubt helped someone. Thank you.

Thanks, tiamaria.

When I started this thread, I didn't know what a turn my life would take just months after the thread began. I was looking for practical ways of dealing with my depression, which have--of course--been very helpful. But something else happened that I hadn't predicted; I met some very kind people along the way...what they taught me helped me resolve a few conflicts I had in my life that were keeping me ambivalent about what I wanted to do. When I learned of my father's illness, I was thrown into a state of grief the likes of which I have never felt. I have to credit people on this board for helping me get through the initial stages of grief, while my family was still in denial. Now that I am past the initial shock, I am better able to help my loved ones.

In the end, I learned that the people you meet and what you learn from them are priceless...and feeling that there is some sort of purpose in life is a big part of feeling that your life is worth living.

My hope is that others who are struggling with depression will reach out, learn from the people they meet (and the things that happen in their lives), and find purpose in living.

--mistriTsquirrel

Re: Depression

TRUE — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 06:25:11 GMT

Please know you're not alone. I too go through this. I'm on an antidepressant but I don't think its helping at all and have tried them all... Just knowing you're not alone helps people just don't admit things like this. I try to be happy but some days its such a struggle. My life didn't turn out the way I thought it would and I feel very sad about that. So I do my best to get through every day some how. Some days are better than others. When I get into my comfy pretty bed at night is when I feel comforted because I know everyone else is in bed too and not having fun like during the day = see the depression? I love to watch tv in my bed then morning comes and I sleep late to take the day away.....once I get up I feel a bit better. I miss seeing my kids and g'kids more than I do and one lives a block away but there are problems there I see him but not his wife I see my g'baby when I see my son.

So know we ALL have things we wish were different some to more of a severe degree than others but - if you think you need hospitalization than get yourself there or have someone take you. I'll admit I've thought of the alternative and I know I'd mess that up too somehow then what? If you have a sense of humor you will get through this.....try to find things that make you laugh. Write your feelings and burn them but again YOU ARE NOT ALONE.......I feel very alone too so big hugs to you and know we all care not just in words..... on Piers Morgan his show was on Loneliness the other night so its epidemic....know we care and I'm glad you posted this as others have come out too so GROUP HUG TO ALL OF US AS NONE OF US HAS NOT SUFFERED.....

I just noticed when you first posted this.....

Re: Depression

mistriTsquirrel — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 07:10:55 GMT

On 2/22/2014 TRUE said:
Please know you're not alone. I too go through this. I'm on an antidepressant but I don't think its helping at all and have tried them all... Just knowing you're not alone helps people just don't admit things like this. I try to be happy but some days its such a struggle. My life didn't turn out the way I thought it would and I feel very sad about that. So I do my best to get through every day some how. Some days are better than others. When I get into my comfy pretty bed at night is when I feel comforted because I know everyone else is in bed too and not having fun like during the day = see the depression? I love to watch tv in my bed then morning comes and I sleep late to take the day away.....once I get up I feel a bit better. I miss seeing my kids and g'kids more than I do and one lives a block away but there are problems there I see him but not his wife I see my g'baby when I see my son.

So know we ALL have things we wish were different some to more of a severe degree than others but - if you think you need hospitalization than get yourself there or have someone take you. I'll admit I've thought of the alternative and I know I'd mess that up too somehow then what? If you have a sense of humor you will get through this.....try to find things that make you laugh. Write your feelings and burn them but again YOU ARE NOT ALONE.......I feel very alone too so big hugs to you and know we all care not just in words..... on Piers Morgan his show was on Loneliness the other night so its epidemic....know we care and I'm glad you posted this as others have come out too so GROUP HUG TO ALL OF US AS NONE OF US HAS NOT SUFFERED.....

I just noticed when you first posted this.....

It's okay, TRUE.

It's not like I'm not depressed anymore...I still have the same depression and loneliness that I had before, and there are others who do too. I feel a little different about it now, because I feel needed by my family (most of the time)...so I have a purpose now...but I still have the symptoms of depression. I still feel like running away sometimes, or have fleeting thoughts of ending my life. I don't think I will ever be able to escape depression...I'll just have to manage it.

I hope you are able to manage yours too, and feel a sense of purpose that gives you greater strength during the worst times.

I know what you mean about bed. I have a bed I call my "cloud bed." It is sort of my sanctuary, and I have to be careful not to spend too much time there.

Re: Depression

TRUE — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 08:43:18 GMT

On 2/22/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:
On 2/22/2014 TRUE said:
Please know you're not alone. I too go through this. I'm on an antidepressant but I don't think its helping at all and have tried them all... Just knowing you're not alone helps people just don't admit things like this. I try to be happy but some days its such a struggle. My life didn't turn out the way I thought it would and I feel very sad about that. So I do my best to get through every day some how. Some days are better than others. When I get into my comfy pretty bed at night is when I feel comforted because I know everyone else is in bed too and not having fun like during the day = see the depression? I love to watch tv in my bed then morning comes and I sleep late to take the day away.....once I get up I feel a bit better. I miss seeing my kids and g'kids more than I do and one lives a block away but there are problems there I see him but not his wife I see my g'baby when I see my son.

So know we ALL have things we wish were different some to more of a severe degree than others but - if you think you need hospitalization than get yourself there or have someone take you. I'll admit I've thought of the alternative and I know I'd mess that up too somehow then what? If you have a sense of humor you will get through this.....try to find things that make you laugh. Write your feelings and burn them but again YOU ARE NOT ALONE.......I feel very alone too so big hugs to you and know we all care not just in words..... on Piers Morgan his show was on Loneliness the other night so its epidemic....know we care and I'm glad you posted this as others have come out too so GROUP HUG TO ALL OF US AS NONE OF US HAS NOT SUFFERED.....

I just noticed when you first posted this.....

It's okay, TRUE.

It's not like I'm not depressed anymore...I still have the same depression and loneliness that I had before, and there are others who do too. I feel a little different about it now, because I feel needed by my family (most of the time)...so I have a purpose now...but I still have the symptoms of depression. I still feel like running away sometimes, or have fleeting thoughts of ending my life. I don't think I will ever be able to escape depression...I'll just have to manage it.

I hope you are able to manage yours too, and feel a sense of purpose that gives you greater strength during the worst times.

I know what you mean about bed. I have a bed I call my "cloud bed." It is sort of my sanctuary, and I have to be careful not to spend too much time there.

Thank you sounds like we are very similar......almost exact... I try to stay in the moment I also practice Buddhism which isn't a religion to me but how to be happy....its hard work at times because I'm stirring up all the , wish i could say it here but s * * t......so its one day at a time.....glad you are better. Its the same with my "family" sometimes good sometimes bad but I've found we again....are not alone in this.