topic Re: Delayed grief.... in Wellness

Delayed grief....

RAVGIRL — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 00:23:10 GMT

Does anyone have any experience with this or know someone that does??? I have someone very close to me that may be suffering badly. Thank you

Re: Delayed grief....

adoreqvc — Mon, 04 Aug 2014 18:21:43 GMT

I contacted QVC yesterday and they also believe this delayed grief thread has invaluable information on it, and it should be reopened to accept continued replies so that anyone who needs grief support can also participate and receive help from others QVC community members.

When I am still at home and not abroad traveling I will definitely check it daily and reply as needed.

I hope all the QVC friends who participated and received help from this specific delayed grief thread, will also check in and ensure that if someone needs some grief support and encouragement they can also offer their support, as it was offered to them during their time of need.

A special heart felt thank you to QVC for reopening the delayed grief thread.

I hope others will also reply on the thread to keep it active, since we all lose loved ones and pets, and really need all the grief support and encouragement we can get at one time or another, in our lives.

Re: Delayed grief....

adoreqvc — Thu, 07 Aug 2014 22:32:56 GMT

I keep checking to see if there have been any grieving visitor's, and do not know if I should feel relieved that no one has visited yet.

I do hope at this point in time no one is grieving and needs support....but somehow I find that to be impractical considering how many thousands of QVC participants there are on the bb's, both as guests and members.

Regardless I hope this delayed grief thread will remain active if someone really needs it, but if no one visits I am sure it will eventually close again, and even though QVC said I should contact them again to reopen it in a year, I probably will not.

That would make me so sad again, because this month is the 3rd year I lost my beloved husband of 45 years, and 2 weeks to the day after his unexpected death my beloved Mother also died.

They were both unexpected swift deaths and I never had the chance to say goodbye, until we meet again in Heaven, I love you.....I never had any closure.......just this big jumbo hole my heart, and that hole will always remain.

My point is I hope this thread does not close again due to inactivity this time.

I know in my heart others will eventually need it for all the experiences and wisdom so many of us have provided in all of our replies, to our own personal grief journeys as noted herein, and the wisdom we learned along the way, as well as all the great QVC friends we encountered and I know I will always cherish.

Re: Delayed grief....

mistriTsquirrel — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 06:55:52 GMT

Hi adore!

I just stopped back in today, and was surprised to see this thread re-opened.

I am really struggling with my father's death; it has been about 3 1/2 months since he died.

I don't know how to pick myself up from this. The idea that I will never see him again is like a knife in my heart every single day.

--mistri

Re: Delayed grief....

adoreqvc — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 14:55:16 GMT

My Dear mistri,

I am so glad you posted, and I had personally paged you when I came back home, but you did not reply, but I am so relieved that you replied now dear friend!

I also look forward to your reply after you read this post.

I contacted QVC since Ravgirl's original grief thread was on the Community bb's, just not accepting new comments, and I felt very strongly that it was an invaluable aid to everyone who at one time or another, may lose someone they deeply loved and cared for, so I sent QVC a message and they email replied to me.

They stated that they read each and every post and emailed me that they also agreed that the thread should remain open, but after 1 year again the comments would no longer display, and at that time if there was activity on the thread I could just email again and request they reopen to accept comments again....so that is how I was instrumental in requesting QVC completely reopen the Delayed Grief thread.

I do hope this reopening of this very important thread helps many people as it helped myself and others.

I also pray Ravgirl is well since she stopped communicating shortly after she started her delayed grief thread. If she is well and reading this I pray she will come back to us on the same thread, or any other thread just to advise she is well and safe. She is also always in my constant daily prayers, as many others are, and will always be.

mistri I know the agony you are experiencing.

I have also walked these grief journeys until I found myself being an orphaned sole survivor of my entire immediate family, and relatives.

mistri it is never easy when we lose those we love so dearly.

Accepting the inevitable after the shock and denial have run their course is extremely difficult, but this is something we all do eventually comes to terms with.

The pain and loss will always remain within our spirits as mortals, because we have been given the gift to comprehend, experience love, sorrow, pain and other emotions, knowing our time on earth is but a fleeting nano second in the real scheme of things.

The 5 steps of grief I posted in the very beginning of this thread really cover most of the basics as you already know mistri.

August is the 3rd anniversary of losing my beloved Husband and Mother 2 weeks apart as you already know. Those were the last 2 losses, and their dual deaths so close together with no closure offered or any goodbyes until we meet again said....... I believe are the most painful losses of all.

Losing your dear father of course has been a shock so expect the first year to be shaky and your emotions completely out of whack.

mistri this is the time to seek medical intervention if you are experiencing any of the following symptoms:

Extreme sadness, inability to rest and sleep, having re-occurring nightmares, seeking complete isolation from others, do not feel life is worth living anymore, feel confusion, loss of interest in showering and daily care, loss of appetite and no desire to drink or eat, loss of coping mechanisms, experiencing a non stop tsunami of sobs and tears which steal your breath away, and wracks pain throughout your body,leaving you feel constant fatigue and listlessness.Lost all will to survive, having suicidal thoughts, etc.

Many also feel extreme confusion, anger, denial, ill health, and the inability to understand and accept the death, and move on.

Perhaps if you have not yet considered grief counseling therapy, now would be the time?

I believe in my heart that the hardest loss to accept is the loss of our parents, who are the first faces we see after being born. They are the ones who will always love us unconditionally, and the ones we treasure and always seek for love, support, wisdom, religious beliefs, and guidance.

Unfortunately no one ever promised us a forever after on earth.......but if we hold religious beliefs through Jesus Christ we are promised reunion with our loved ones in Heaven, and a Heavenly everlasting after life.

Since no one really knows the outcome of where our souls go w when they depart from our earthly vessels, I feel accepting Christ into our lives if our parents are Christians will sustain us.

They say everyone needs some sort of belief system in order to survive on earth. Christ and believing in him is the way to reunion with loved ones and eternal life as that is promised in the Holy Bible.

For you this may not be the answer, but search your heart mistri as I know the answer lies within.

Remember mistri "where there is life there is hope, and hope is as eternal as the word forever.”

I know your feelings about religion mistri, as we have already discussed them, but no matter what a person believes in, or does not believe in, I believe it is vitally important for everyone to seek a grief counselor as they take their grief journey. Many Churches provide them free of charge as do Hospitals so please seek them out and take Mom with you if you feel she too can use the therapy support.

From your reply to me below mistri I believe now would be the time to also contact your physician, and go to see that person so they may help you and prescribe much needed meds to enable you to cope in an easier fashion.

Please make these choices mistri as they will help you move forward, as I know that is what your Dear Father would want for you......as I do, and as I am sure your Mom does too.

Please reply when you read this and also reply whenever you feel need.

As long as I am state side and not traveling abroad with my new husband I will reply......and I hope if I am not here someone else will reply to you and others.

When I return again I will reply to all the threads I missed....I promise mistri.

BTW big sister our friend said she checks the bb's frequently so in my absence I know she will reply as she did say she would.

mistri my prayer for you and your Dear Mom today is this.....

I pray God holds you both in the warm loving palms of his protective hands and guides your footsteps. I also pray he sprinkles you both with understanding, acceptance, inner peace of mind and spirit, and gives you both reasons to know life is precious and we must all accept whatever he has in store for us.....because the truth is only God knows the answers.

On 8/11/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:
Hi adore!
I just stopped back in today, and was surprised to see this thread re-opened.
I am really struggling with my father's death; it has been about 3 1/2 months since he died.
I don't know how to pick myself up from this. The idea that I will never see him again is like a knife in my heart every single day.
--mistri

Re: Delayed grief....

adoreqvc — Wed, 13 Aug 2014 04:44:50 GMT

mistri I was hoping you would return to read and reply.

In any event I hope you feel better and will return very soon, until then I will keep checking back.

God Bless you and your family my dear friend!

Re: Delayed grief....

adoreqvc — Thu, 14 Aug 2014 22:47:46 GMT

mistri we are contemplating going abroad again, and I hope you will return before we depart so we can cyber chat again.

Blessings......

Re: Delayed grief....

WaJa61 — Mon, 18 Aug 2014 22:24:07 GMT

On 8/11/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:
Hi adore!

I just stopped back in today, and was surprised to see this thread re-opened.

I am really struggling with my father's death; it has been about 3 1/2 months since he died.

I don't know how to pick myself up from this. The idea that I will never see him again is like a knife in my heart every single day.

--mistri

(((Mistri))), so glad to see a post from you. Have been on the lookout for you whenever I visit. I'm so sorry you continue to struggle with the loss of your dear dad. I hope your therapist is helping you navigate the pain of grief with your depression. Maybe when you're feeling a bit stronger, you'll write a book containing all the valuable research you've gleaned, dedicated to his loving memory. I continue to pray for you and wish you only the best. If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me on AF.

Love, peace and comfort to you, sweet friend. ~Joy

Re: Delayed grief....

mistriTsquirrel — Tue, 19 Aug 2014 07:33:33 GMT

Hello Adore and Joy!

Adore, it's okay to go away on a vacation, you know? Don't worry your fun times away! Joy, I'm sure I will be back more regularly when I feel a little bit more emotionally stable. I miss coming here, but sometimes it feels overwhelming.

I am seeing a therapist, and she is very good. I'm also still on meds. I admit that I'm not sleeping well, am tired often, go through periods when I cannot stop sobbing, etc. The thing is, I've been depressed for years, so--even though acute grief is more painful than depression for me--I feel like I know myself pretty well, I've already been medicated with just about everything they could throw at me, and I have a therapist. I'm trying to learn more about avoiding cancer, starting a new career and moving out of the country. If I wind up needing more help than I currently have, the only options I have left are hospitalization or an alternative therapy...so I'm just making do with what I have.

Today, I spent about an hour and a half trying to look back in time and convince myself that my dad really did love me. That is part of the pain I feel. I loved him even though he treated me badly, and I told him I loved him not matter what, hugged him, took care of him, etc....but I still don't know if he truly loved me, and I probably never will...which really hurts.

Re: Delayed grief....

adoreqvc — Wed, 20 Aug 2014 03:53:37 GMT

My Dear mistri,

I am glad to read you are seeing a therapist, as I know that will help very much.

You must believe that your Dad did love you in spite of what you typed.

mistri you must remember that "bad things happen to good people", and many times they need help but do not seek it, so their issues and problems reflect in the ill treatment of their family members, and unfortunate as that is....there is proven medical truth to my statement.

What matters the most is that by helping him and displaying caring while he was at the end of his time here on earth, that was your way of forgiving him of his past actions.

Believe in your heart that he truly loved you and deep down inside he was sorry for any ill treatment or hurt he may have caused any of his family.

mistri you cannot continue to think otherwise because it will eat at your soul.

You must accept that he is not longer suffering the earthly ills we at sometime in life suffer, and know that he did love you, even if he was not really capable of exhibiting that love in an adult mature safe caring and compassionate way.

I wish you all the best mistri, and hope in future that you feel better, and you can come to terms and feel inner acceptance, and peace with what occurred.

I pray my reply helped you mistri, and hope you will recall my words should you experience future moments of doubt again.

God Bless, stay safe, and take good care dear friend!

Re: Delayed grief....

Rottie_mama — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 21:01:50 GMT

I am writing before I read this entire thread so as to keep this alive for a kind soul who aided me this afternoon. Thank you for your kindness.

Re: Delayed grief....

adoreqvc — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 22:22:29 GMT

Dear Rottie_mama,

You are so kind to reply here.

Thank you and please post here to help keep this thread active.

I wish to let you know some of my background and how I came to feel so humble to be able to help others who also grieve.

I was recently remarried, after losing my beloved Husband of 45 years, and my beloved Mother in August of 2011.

They both died quite unexpectedly 2 weeks apart.

I never had the chance to say goodbye to either of them and that truly shattered my heart, and inner soul.

It was a dual devastating loss of which I still have not totally recovered, and probably never will completely recover, but I know my religious beliefs are strong and I have always known if we are blessed in this life by doing what I am doing now, as I type this to you......then hopefully when my time comes to journey through that invisible doorway, I will eventually be reunited with all my lost loved ones.

I am what is known as an orphaned survivor of my immediate clan and all family relations.

Now that I have been blessed with this second chance of marital happiness and a wonderful man who also shares everything with me, we do travel abroad pretty often.

I usually do post when I am departing so this thread and participants will know.....and when I return I also post that as well. Other members have promised me that they would also check the grief threads and help anyone in need, during my absence. That is so comforting to be and I am most grateful, so please Rottie-mama please do post when you feel the need, and do peruse the entire thread.

You will lean a great deal about the 5 steps of grief, and about all our grief journeys. You will laugh, and cry, and be amazed when you read of some of the miracles documented and medically clinically proven, as well as miracles some of us personally witnessed in our lives.

I know during the darkest times when I was so loaded with the heavy weight of abandonment, loneliness, and unbelievable grief.... I so wanted to join my beloved Husband and Mother again, same for my siblings and father, and all my relatives who also went ahead.

I really longed for all of them and felt life just was not worth living anymore.

They say when you look into someones eyes you are actually looking into the gateway to their soul.

The eyes mirror what the soul feels, and mine mirrored such intense unbelievable sadness. The tears flowed like an angry raging tsunami, my soul wailed loudly and often, and my heart felt as though it had shattered.

It was during those long dark days and nights of constant grief, that in desperation I turned on the pc again after an absence and began to post.

I received such wonderful support, comfort, and understanding from so many who were also traveling their own grief journeys.

I was the first person to reply to ravgirl's thread, and that was the beginning of our continued support and interactions.

We finally had a thread devoted to grief where we could all come anytime day or night and find someone posting there....It gave me the comfort and strength I needed to seek medical help, Church intervention, grief counseling, and slowly I continued my dual grief journey walk. (Wherever ravgirl is I hope she is well now and prospering).

For that I am so very humbled. I am also very thankful for all the great QVC pals I made on this thread, and still when I check I seem to make even more.....like you Rottie-mama, and the others from the other thread.

Well now you know something about me and how this Grief Journey thread originated.

So my dear new friend, post away and know God hears you and will comfort you, and your replies will flow as answers become clearer to you.

Stay strong and please update me after you have taken the time to absorb the grief journey thread, and its very valuable contents.

I will check back and continue to check, so don’t feel any pressure to post until you feel the need and desire.

Please just know if you do and I am still home and not traveling I shall reply.

If I am gone for a while I will let you know before I depart, and I hope my other QVC pals from this thread, will offer you the same comfort and support, they too were offered during their time of grief.

Re: Delayed grief....

Big Sister — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 22:39:58 GMT

I checked in today and was happy to see your recent post, adore. You are a blessing to so many of us. Thank you for being there.

Re: Delayed grief....

adoreqvc — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 23:27:53 GMT

My dear sweet kind pal bigsister,

I am so glad you came aboard again.

I recall you promised to check on the Continued Grief Support thread which I initiated when this Delayed Grief thread was closed, and we could no longer comment.

Now that it has reopened, (thank you QVC), please sweetie in my absence if Phillip and I are abroad, could you and perhaps others also pop in from time to time, to see if anyone has posted and needs a prayer, some support, and comfort?

bigsister I know we all helped each other so much on this thread and the wealth of information continues to grow.....and if it can continue and not be shut down from interactions again, I will be so relieved....It is truly a blessing and was for myself and many of us at the time we needed comfort, help, guidance and had unanswered questions. I know it gave me the will to continue living when I lost them both 2 weeks apart.

I believe when one door closes another opens and that is what I would like to see here on this thread .....an open commentary period of interaction which will make everyone cry, laugh, chuckle, be amazed, and read about our very own and other public documented true miracles which have occurred.

God most certainly does work in mysterious ways, and his guiding light although perhaps not always visible to us earthlings, does guide our paths to cross here for a reason....

I hope to interact with all my QVC pals again, and look forward to also making new ones.....(which today I have been blessed, as I already have).

Re: Delayed grief....

adoreqvc — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 23:31:58 GMT

Mistri if you return please we are active here again.

I have kept you all in my daily healing prayers, and also hope you are coming along in view of your difficult loss.

I hope your family is well too Mistri....and you all take good care.

Re: Delayed grief....

Gogos — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 23:34:57 GMT

Grief comes in 7 stages. HOWEVER, you can float from one stage back to another until you are through them all. It's not like walking into the livingroom, then the kitchen, then the bedroom, then the den, then the backyard etc. You can walking into the livingroom to the kitchen, back to the livingroom, back to the kitchen etc.

Here is a link that simply explains it. We are all different. No two people are the same.

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Re: Delayed grief....

Big Sister — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 01:23:28 GMT

Gogos, thank you so much for the link to "recover...." I have bookmarked the pages and will read it when I have more time to concentrate on it. Thanks again.

Re: Delayed grief....

dooBdoo — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 05:03:39 GMT

I'm glad this thread was reopened. I still have my bad days and then not-quite-so-bad days, moving along the path as everyone else is. I want to add my last post to mistri, on her Depression thread. She didn't return there, but I see she's posted here briefly.

Hi, ((((mistri)))). I'm so glad to see you checking in, but wish I could be there to give you real hugs and try to help.

What you're experiencing is normal. It's normal because grief doesn't fit into a neat and tidy package, and even though we have similarities each of us will find it to be unique to us. I've been reading a lot about the fallacies of the "5 stages of grief," and I've come to think that particular theory does more harm than good even though well-intended.

One thing that happens to me when I'm depressed or grieving is the inability to read, comprehend and retain, so you might be the same way. But if you feel up to it try some searches on the fallacies of the 5 stages of grief, or debunking the stages.

Here's an example of what I'm referring to:

". . . Perhaps the stage theory of grief caught on so quickly because it made loss sound controllable.

The trouble is that it turns out largely to be a fiction, based more on anecdotal observation than empirical evidence. Though Kübler-Ross captured the range of emotions that mourners experience, new research suggests that grief and mourning don’t follow a checklist; they’re complicated and untidy processes, less like a progression of stages and more like an ongoing process -- sometimes one that never fully ends.

Perhaps the most enduring psychiatric idea about grief, for instance, is the idea that people need to “let go” in order to move on; yet studies have shown that some mourners hold on to a relationship with the deceased with no notable ill effects. (In China, mourners regularly speak to dead ancestors, and one study has shown that the bereaved there suffer less long-term distress than bereaved Americans do.)

At the end of her life, Kübler-Ross herself recognized how far astray our understanding of grief had gone. In “On Grief and Grieving,” she insisted that the stages were “never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.” If her injunction went unheeded, perhaps it is because the messiness of grief is what makes us uncomfortable.

Anyone who has experienced grief can testify that it is more complex than mere despondency. “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear,” C. S. Lewis wrote in “A Grief Observed,” his slim account of the months after the death of his wife, from cancer.

Scientists have found that grief, like fear, is a stress reaction, attended by deep physiological changes. Levels of stress hormones like cortisol increase. Sleep patterns are disrupted. The immune system is weakened. Mourners may experience loss of appetite, palpitations, even hallucinations. They sometimes imagine that the deceased has appeared to them, in the form of a bird, say, or a cat. It is not unusual for a mourner to talk out loud -- to cry out -- to a lost one, in an elevator, or while walking the dog . . ."

Link to article: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2010/02/01/good-grief?currentPage=all

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We all will find similarities, and we'll find differences too. Just as with all of life, right?

I hope you'll keep checking in with us. So many of us love you and want to help if only to be a listening ear and a willing heart. Try to take good care of yourself.

Re: Delayed grief....

Big Sister — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 07:35:49 GMT

On 9/11/2014 dooBdoo said:
I'm glad this thread was reopened. I still have my bad days and then not-quite-so-bad days, moving along the path as everyone else is. I want to add my last post to mistri, on her Depression thread. She didn't return there, but I see she's posted here briefly.

Hi, ((((mistri)))). I'm so glad to see you checking in, but wish I could be there to give you real hugs and try to help.

What you're experiencing is normal. It's normal because grief doesn't fit into a neat and tidy package, and even though we have similarities each of us will find it to be unique to us. I've been reading a lot about the fallacies of the "5 stages of grief," and I've come to think that particular theory does more harm than good even though well-intended.

One thing that happens to me when I'm depressed or grieving is the inability to read, comprehend and retain, so you might be the same way. But if you feel up to it try some searches on the fallacies of the 5 stages of grief, or debunking the stages.

Here's an example of what I'm referring to:

". . . Perhaps the stage theory of grief caught on so quickly because it made loss sound controllable.

The trouble is that it turns out largely to be a fiction, based more on anecdotal observation than empirical evidence. Though Kübler-Ross captured the range of emotions that mourners experience, new research suggests that grief and mourning don’t follow a checklist; they’re complicated and untidy processes, less like a progression of stages and more like an ongoing process -- sometimes one that never fully ends.

Perhaps the most enduring psychiatric idea about grief, for instance, is the idea that people need to “let go” in order to move on; yet studies have shown that some mourners hold on to a relationship with the deceased with no notable ill effects. (In China, mourners regularly speak to dead ancestors, and one study has shown that the bereaved there suffer less long-term distress than bereaved Americans do.)

At the end of her life, Kübler-Ross herself recognized how far astray our understanding of grief had gone. In “On Grief and Grieving,” she insisted that the stages were “never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.” If her injunction went unheeded, perhaps it is because the messiness of grief is what makes us uncomfortable.

Anyone who has experienced grief can testify that it is more complex than mere despondency. “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear,” C. S. Lewis wrote in “A Grief Observed,” his slim account of the months after the death of his wife, from cancer.

Scientists have found that grief, like fear, is a stress reaction, attended by deep physiological changes. Levels of stress hormones like cortisol increase. Sleep patterns are disrupted. The immune system is weakened. Mourners may experience loss of appetite, palpitations, even hallucinations. They sometimes imagine that the deceased has appeared to them, in the form of a bird, say, or a cat. It is not unusual for a mourner to talk out loud -- to cry out -- to a lost one, in an elevator, or while walking the dog . . ."

Link to article: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2010/02/01/good-grief?currentPage=all

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We all will find similarities, and we'll find differences too. Just as with all of life, right?

I hope you'll keep checking in with us. So many of us love you and want to help if only to be a listening ear and a willing heart. Try to take good care of yourself.

dooBdoo, you said it so well. Hugs to you mistri. I'm thinking of all of you who are grieving.

Re: Delayed grief....

adoreqvc — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 09:40:47 GMT

Hi Gogos,

Many thanks for posting that link.

Between the Kübler-Ross 5 steps of grief link, and the link to recover there will be plenty information for everyone which will help them what the grief journey entails.

Just to recap the Kubler-Ross 5 steps of grief link is on the 1st page.... and is my first posted contribution, and now this second Recover link is on page 6.....so they are both easy enough to locate for many.

I hope everyone who needs to, will read both links, as the original pioneers to research and amass all the information about death, and the grief journey were Kubler-Ross.

Of course it is always beneficial to read even more information on the grief journey, particularly when it has also been well researched and accepted in all fields associated with Medicine, Science, Religion, Grief and Death.