topic Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage...... in Wellness

Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

NycVixen — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 23:33:19 GMT

I think I'm ready to talk about suffering a miscarriage this past February. It was my first pregnancy.

It has been very hard dealing with the grief and sadness. However, I'm feeling more like myself these days. But it was very difficult the first couple of months.

After going through this terrible ordeal, I noticed that many women simply do not talk about it. As a result, miscarriage seems to be like a taboo subject and women like myself that go though it feel so alone and isolated. Only going thorugh this did I learn how common it is; 20-25 % of all pregnancies end up in a miscarriage.

I promised myself that when I was ready I would talk about it in order to shed light and offer words of encouragement and empowerment to not only the women that have dealt with this but to the couples as well.

This has also deeply affected my husband. We feel almost ready to try again soon .

To anyone going through this or a loved one, it does get better. Time does heal. I spoke to my pastor that he recommended picking a name if you know the sex or a unisex name if you don't and saying a prayer. Picking a name allows you to honor and respect the memory of the child. It has really helped us.

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

151949 — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 23:29:26 GMT

I had 2 tubal pregnancies back in the days before they had things like in vitro so I was not able to have any children. I do have 2 step children though. I think no one talks about it because they just don't know what to say.I hope and pray you are able to get pregnant again soon, and have that happy baby you long for.

I think one of the reasons this is such a painful time is that you are full of pregnancy hormones that take a while to get out of your system, and they cause you to feel you are supposed to be pregnant. I was an emotional wreck both times.

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

betteb — Thu, 18 Jun 2015 23:34:53 GMT

Oh I'm so sorry. I have been where you are and my best advise is to grieve, don't hold it back and don't minimize your loss.

Several people said to me "Well thank God you weren't any further along" That really hurt, because I felt like they were trying to minimize it.

It did not matter to me that I was only three months, I still lost my baby.

Hugs and blessings to you.

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

surfk — Sun, 28 Jun 2015 01:58:46 GMT

(deleted by poster)

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

NycVixen — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:08:07 GMT

Thanks you so much for all your responses. It helps so much.

I have to say what hurt and still hurts the most is how dismissive not only doctors and nurses can be but people too.

Surfk, I relate to how when I was in the emergency room trying to save my child one of the PA's (almost a doctor, but higher than a nurse) had such a textbook attitude and told me "It's not an emergency, it happens every day so just go home and if the bleeding gets worse just come back". I mean, to me it was an emergency; I was losing my child.

I just wish more women would talk about their expereince so women like myself that are trying to conceive at least are aware of how often it happens. It never occured to me that this could happen to me. That was one of the hardest parts to find out it can when it's already happening and there is nothing you can do.

The silence does hurt more. I was around my husband's family and the majority who knew did not say anything. I think it is hard to talk about but acting like it didn't happen is really hurtful and diminishing of the life that was lost and the pain.

Re:

Penellope — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:10:30 GMT

I'm so sorry you experienced this loss. It is a very difficult topic in our society. After I had my miscarriage there were lots of people who couldn't understand why I couldn't just "snap out of it," as my husband said (now ex). I was completely devastated. I still think about it.

What really gives me the worst feeling is that I wouldn't have my wonderful daughter if I hadn't lost the first one. My pregnancies would have overlapped. How do you reconcile that? I still can't.

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

NycVixen — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:10:55 GMT

@151949 wrote:
I had 2 tubal pregnancies back in the days before they had things like in vitro so I was not able to have any children. I do have 2 step children though. I think no one talks about it because they just don't know what to say.I hope and pray you are able to get pregnant again soon, and have that happy baby you long for.
I think one of the reasons this is such a painful time is that you are full of pregnancy hormones that take a while to get out of your system, and they cause you to feel you are supposed to be pregnant. I was an emotional wreck both times.

So sorry to hear this happened to you. Thanks so much for your well wishes and encouraging words, they mean a lot.

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

NycVixen — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:14:11 GMT

@betteb wrote:
Oh I'm so sorry. I have been where you are and my best advise is to grieve, don't hold it back and don't minimize your loss.

Several people said to me "Well thank God you weren't any further along" That really hurt, because I felt like they were trying to minimize it.

It did not matter to me that I was only three months, I still lost my baby.

Hugs and blessings to you.

So sorry for your loss. I know what you mean. Some people have said "There was probably something wrong with the baby so it's better this way". I was very early on at 6 weeks. To me it was my child regardless if it was 'only' 6 weeks. I still lost my child.

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

Still Raining — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:19:31 GMT

All my sympathy to you and your DH. You are right that often it is not something that is discussed. I know I did not talk to my DD about it until she was in her late 30s.

I did go on to have 2 successful pregnacies after the miscarriage and never had another, so the best of luck to you going forward.

The recollection never does go away. Even after close to 40 years I still sometimes wonder things like what color their eyes were and if it was a boy or a girl.

Re: Re:

NycVixen — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:26:12 GMT

@Penellope wrote:
I'm so sorry you experienced this loss. It is a very difficult topic in our society. After I had my miscarriage there were lots of people who couldn't understand why I couldn't just "snap out of it," as my husband said (now ex). I was completely devastated. I still think about it.

What really gives me the worst feeling is that I wouldn't have my wonderful daughter if I hadn't lost the first one. My pregnancies would have overlapped. How do you reconcile that? I still can't.

Wow, I just imagine. It must be hard to reconcile that. I'm sorry for your loss. It's also hard when some people expect you to just move on and try again. They say things like "You'll have another". This does help at first. But after some time it begins to feel like they are minimizing the loss.

My mother told me she had two miscarriages only after I had mine. I also found out that I wouldn't be here if she didn't have a miscarriage due to falling from a ladder right before me. It's so hard to come to terms with this.

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

NycVixen — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:33:59 GMT

@Still Raining wrote:
All my sympathy to you and your DH. You are right that often it is not something that is discussed. I know I did not talk to my DD about it until she was in her late 30s.

I did go on to have 2 successful pregnacies after the miscarriage and never had another, so the best of luck to you going forward.

The recollection never does go away. Even after close to 40 years I still sometimes wonder things like what color their eyes were and if it was a boy or a girl.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I can relate. My mom did not tell me she had two miscarriages until i had mine. That was such a shock and even more so because I would not be here if she hadn't had the second one. She only planned to have two children.

I know I will also never forget and will wonder as well if it was a girl or boy and what she or he would of looked like.

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

Still Raining — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 01:02:42 GMT

Thank you for your kind reply and do not ever doubt the right you have to mourn a child even if it was yours for just a short time.

From a grandma's prespective, one reason misscarriages are not talked about to young mothers is that we do not want to have them worry. We know, but they do not, that the path to a healty baby can be a difficult one.

Someday if you and your Mom can talk about the loss, you might find that she is actively mourning the loss of a grandchild. I know I would be. It is a real baby to grandmas too.

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embgm — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 01:29:07 GMT

I'm very sorry for your loss. I too suffered a miscarriage between my first and second sons. Grieving the loss takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different. If you need to talk about your child then talk,if you need to cry then cry. Your mind is telling you what you need. My sister-In-law was due two weeks after I was so it was very difficult to see her belly growing, and planning and throwing her baby shower.And when my niece was born I couldn't even hold her. I was afraid I would cry and I didn't want to ruin a happy time for my brother and his wife. I was fortunate and blessed with two more healthy sons. Good luck to you. Em

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

KippyK3 — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 02:08:00 GMT

I am so sorry. I, too, want to offer you (and others) a hug. I am glad that you're feeling a bit better, and are willing to talk about it, in the hope of helping others. I admire your strength and courage. I hope that you both feel better with each new day.

Unfortunately, it is more common than some people realize. I think that unless it happens to you or a loved one, most people (the general public) don't know the statistics. I remember 25 yrs ago, after our first loss, my doctor giving us those numbers. I remember thinking - this is supposed to make us feel better? It didn't at the time. After our second miscarriage, I was so shocked, I don't remember what she said about those statistics. I just wanted to go home. A year later we lost our third baby at 10 weeks. My new doctor wanted to do genetic testing. We declined. We were broken. Then came the guilt and the blame... it was so hard.

I tell you this not to frighten or discourage you, but to offer hope. Once my hubby and I truly, and I do mean truly let it all go by accepting it, we were blessed with our daughter.
I believe in miracles. She is one.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you the best.

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

emmysmom — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 02:22:47 GMT

I'm so sorry for your loss! ((((hugs))))

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

adoreqvc — Fri, 03 Jul 2015 17:18:01 GMT

Dear NycVixen,

You have my deepest condolences NycVixen.

I am so sorry you had to experience this miscarriage, and I have returned to edit this thread to repost some newer information. I hope the newer information also offers you greater understanding and comfort.

Unfortunately you lost a very important part when you had your miscarriage, which was you never gave, or received any final closure.

Grief is horrific, very painful, evolves and changes, but never really leaves, and when you have a miscarriage that too makes it so much more difficult, because you never had the chance to see or hold the baby, and never told the baby you loved it and it was okay to go home because this would be a temporary parting, and you would be reunited again in a sacred place filled with everlasting joy and no sorrow or pain..

NycVixen you unfortunately never received any final closure at all, and also never received either the baby's cremation ashes, or a memorial service for the baby with a head stone and place to pray and visit.

No closure with all our loved ones, I believe is the most painful earthly experience that we as human beings will ever experience.

There truly is no comprehension of the inner death we as women and nurturer's of our species feel.

When we as Mothers have miscarriages, or lose living children, we are left with aching painful empty arms.

Those empty arms will never, or will never again wither hold, hug, give love, give comfort to all our babies which were created.

A Mother's most precious sacred mission in life is to carry their children in the warmth of their bodies and protect them to the best of their ability.

Of course sadly unforeseen circumstances occur which cannot be prevented and two of those circumstances are miscarriages, and loss of a living child.

Mothers also carry the Motherly burden and joys of guiding their children's everyday foot steps in life, and offering all their children their sacred Motherly protection, love, wisdom, and guidance.

When I lost some loved ones unexpectedly I did not have closure either NycVixen, and that at times is very difficult to accept and understand, but eventually we do learn to go on, in spite of our many earthly heartaches, grief, and various losses.

NycVixen please believe me when I say "you are not alone in your grief".

We women which have also experienced these types of "losses share a bitter bondage in Sisterhood Unity.....Our inner souls still scream in silent denial and pain, and our grief will continue until we exit alone through that sacred door into another realm of eternal reunions, with all loved ones we lost, and a sacred realm where eternal joy with no remembrance of earthly pains, or sorrows embraces us.

I have also had 2 miscarriages where both embryos resulted both times in a very life threatening dangerous fallopian tube pregnancy.

I also did have a precious precocious little one, I also lost very early in my first marriage. My husband and entire family, relatives and many friends also grieved together with us .

I am also the last survivor of my immediate family, and all U.S. relatives.

My last 2 losses I experienced were my beloved husband of a very happy 45 year marriage, who died in a violent car accident, and exactly 2 weeks later my beloved Mother, also died.

(When a daughter loses that precious Mother Daughter bond we form at birth and experience throughout our lives, it was then, and still is now for me, the most difficult painful loss of all to have ever experienced).

Yes we are loved by many.......loved by our siblings, relatives, husbands, wives, fathers, daughters, sons, and relatives.....but no one loves us like our Mothers did, especially since it was our Mothers who carried us and risked their lives to bring us safely into this world.

Our Mothers protected us from harm and would give their lives keeping us totally safe.

"There is no stronger love, protection, or bond, like the love and protection of a Mother".

There is no one else like your loving caring Mother.

Especially with regards to the sacred Mother Daughter bond, when that sacred Mother Daughter bond is severed due to death it leaves the other totally shattered, lost, confused, and remaining with numerous unanswered questions...... we had no time to still ask.

Just knowing I shall never again be able to call my Mom just because I want to hear her loving voice or need advice or ask a question.... or visit her to see her happy eyes brighten with love, along with her infectious loving smile which would welcome me into her open arms waiting for a hug to embrace me, and then she would tenderly bless me and kiss me whispering "welcome back my daughter, I love and have missed you so much"....... to which I would always hug her closer, kiss her forehead, pet her cheek tenderly and reply I missed you too Mom very much, and I love you more....(To lose that for me will always remain at the top of my grief list).

The truth is there is no other love like the love of a Mother, and the loss of her truly chips away continuously at our shattered souls, which still remain behind.

2 dual deaths in 2 weeks is something I pray no one ever experiences.

I certainly can relate to what you are feeling NycVixen, and many women cannot speak about miscarriages, or their grief. They carry that grief silenced instead of shared with others, and it remains buried deep within their inner spirits.

Many wish to bury it as it really is very painful, but a miscarriage is a more dramatic different type of grief and loss, and one we never forget.

Keeping all this in mind I suggest speaking with your Physician if you have not already done so, as you many need some temporary prescription meds to help you function now.

Also in view of what you have suffered, grief counseling is free in many places so if you have not asked about that please ask your Physician or Religious Association.

Grief counseling with the last 2 deaths I experienced really helped me an awful lot. I did both group therapy grief counseling, and private grief counseling.

Lastly there is a thread which is titled delayed grief in the Wellness category, and I and others devoted many years on it and answered many concerns, questions, hopes, listed our own personal experiences as we walked through many grief journeys, and I also offered many grief healing poems which I feel always comfort our souls as we walk our Earthly grief journeys.

Also listed are our own experiences, so even though it was not sent over in its entirety from the previous QVC Community bb's, there is still information listed within which will answer many of your grief questions, and also comfort you now.

I have also posted new information on that thread since we moved into this new QVC forums format, about the grief journey which is outlined now to constantly live within us, and it does change and evolve, just as we human beings also change and evolve.

BTW The 5 and 7 steps to grief published over 3 decades ago do not really address the real story about grief.

The truth about grief, is that grief and loss in and of themselves never die, it always remains with us and evolves, as it is engraved within our being...and that piece I included on the delayed grief thread, really explains exactly how I felt each time I traveled the many many grief journeys, when I lost everyone I so dearly loved.

For the longest time I walked the Earth alone.....but I do believe when one door closes another one opens, and even in my deep grief traveling abroad, I met my current husband.

One door also closed for you NycVixen, but perhaps another shall open and in time you will have a great joy in your lives.....and that I what I will pray for NycVixen..

God Bless you and your family, and please know I will include you all in my daily prayers.

Also if you need to cyber chat please go to the Wellness category and the delayed grief thread and post.

I do check it often when I am not vacationing, and I hope my post and the others help you, and offer understanding and comfort during this very difficult time in the lives of your husband and yourself.

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violann — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 11:06:11 GMT

I am SO sorry that this has happened to you.
I had what was called a "chronic" history of miscarriage, meaning more than 3.
What I learned at the time was that there are NO "right" words to say, so that maybe one of the reasons why people aren't talking to you about what happened.
During that time, it was considered WRONG to say "You can try again" but I LIVED to hear those words, and focusing forward and not on the past was what kept me going.
There is really no way that anyone can minimize your loss, so the fact is, in order to manage the kind of feelings you are experiencing, you will need to start reframing them at some point.
I believe that was what I was doing when I would lose each precious little life, but as soon as possible "focus forward".
I now have 2 wonderful adult sons and 2 very special DILs, but to this day, I wonder how my life would have been different had my first children been born.
Please take good care of yourself, and as soon as you can, face forward with hope.

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RespectLife — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 17:37:46 GMT

Adore is so right..it is the closure we are denied.

I lost my first child at 6 weeks during a blizzard. I couldn't get to the doctor or hospital, not that there was anything they could do. They told me over the phone to 'save all materials' I expelled. Which I loving wrapped in beautiful linens. The Doctor opened the linens, nodded his head and threw my child into the garbage can in front of me.

No burial, no memorial service...I missed the closure and final goodbye which made my grieving more difficult.

As many of you mentioned, the 'well meaning' things people say to you are sometimes so cruel! Even family members can say the hardest statements that I am sure they don't even realize can be hurtful. I lost my first child! I wasn't thinking about 'others in the future'. I just knew the current loss and pain was unbearable.

Bless you, OP, for taking the steps to talk about your child. It does help to talk to those that have been through it.

I had given my husband a stuffed bear when I told him of our pregnancy...which I saved. I look at that bear every day and KNOW when I get to heaven, I have another child waiting for me. What a glorious day that will be!

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

LilacTree — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 19:18:44 GMT

Nycvixen, I am so sorry to hear this. But just to perhaps give you some hope, one of my daughters had two miscarriages, then one healthy baby, then two misses again, and finally another healthy baby. She has two beautiful, healthy girls now. She went through torture (as you well know) to get them, but it was worth it. Six pregnancies, two healthy children.

Please think positive; my thoughts are with you.

Re: Dealing with the Grief of Miscarriage......

sadiemygolden — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 21:00:12 GMT

I am so sorry for your miscarriage. I had two miscarriages before I had three daughters. One was seven weeks early, another 5 weeks early, and my middle daughter was two weeks early and I was able to take her home with me when I was discharged. My oldest and youngest were premies and had to stay under the lights for their jaundice which is normal. Also, they had to weigh at least five lbs. before I could bring them home. I also had a mother-in-law to deal with who did not want me to get pregnant (three months after we were married) she let us know how she felt about it. Shortly after we received her letter (she lived out of town) I had my first miscarriage. I was devestated of course, but my husband was not into babies or pregnancy, so I was so alone and misserable. I lost my baby right before Christmas. Check to see if there are support groups for those who are dealing with miscarriages. I lost mine in 1970 and 1971 which was a long time ago. I wanted to see my baby, but the nurse would not allow me to. God bless you.