topic Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ? in Wellness

do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

Cookie777 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 02:30:36 GMT

I don't drink, I have nothing against anyone who does, I just don't do it. My brother is staying with me for awhile to get his life in order. I'm pretty sure he is an alcoholic, because he can't seem to stop and gets upset with me because I don't like him drinking. He drinks either a bottle of wine, or two large size beers a night. He says there is nothing wrong with it and thinks It would do me good to start drinking! I think because it is my house and I don't want him to drink he should respect my feelings. Am I wrong? Do you have an opinion? TIA

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

YorkieonmyPillow — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 02:50:42 GMT

It shouldn't be about who is wrong, or who is right.

You just said that your brother is trying to get his life in order - which I take to mean, he is probably under some stress right now.

This is not the time to press the issue.

No offense but you should care more about your brother and his welfare right now than some rule you have about your alcohol in your home.

Perhaps when he gets straightened out, he can cut back or stop drinking. Right now, I wouldn't insist that he quit - he needs your emotional support.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

brewhaha — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 02:53:16 GMT

Alcohol is fine. Cigarettes are not.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

bikerbabe — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 02:55:04 GMT

I believe a guest needs to be respectful of the host's wishes however I think in your case the issue is not that he drinks but that you feel that he drinks to excess. If he does have an issue with alcohol he is not going to be able to stop just because that is what you desire. If he staying with you to get his life in order at sounds like counseling might be helpful to him but he has to be open to receiving it. Depending on the severity of his issues you may need to give him an ultimatum but he has to abide by certain guidelines while staying with you or find other lodging.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

BORN AGAIN — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 02:56:14 GMT

Persephone, I hope your dear brother gets the help he needs. That is very kind of you to help him out. You are a good sister.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

Nancy Drew — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 02:56:33 GMT

Sounds like he is a loser, get him out asap!

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

goodstuff — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 02:56:48 GMT

If you don't want alcohol in your home, that's your right, and your brother (or any guest) should honor your wishes. I don't know if your brother is an alcoholic or not, but he is inconsiderate and disrespectful to disregard your wishes, and you shouldn't allow him to stay in your home on those terms. Tell him you want your home alcohol free, and if he isn't willing to abide by that, he needs to find another place to stay. Pronto.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

Crisso — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 02:56:51 GMT

i am not making any judgments because it is your house and your brother. However, I do think he needs your emotional support. He may not be an alcoholic. I rarely drink alcohol myself, so I would not know how much drinking makes a person an alcoholic. Would you be O.K. if he went out to drink?

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

Carmie — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 02:59:43 GMT

Well, you might have a big problem with your brother staying with you. If he is indeed, an alcoholic he can't stop drinking just because you asked him too. He must have a drink to keep himself "normal."

He will only stop if he wants to and he will probably need some help with that.

If he is not an alcoholic, but just likes a drink every night, he should respect your wishes while in your home.

The fact that he gets upset when you mention his drinking is a clear red flag that he probably has a drinking problem. You might try to sit down with him and nicely ask him if there is a problem...don't be judgemental and don't mention it to him while he has been drinking. If he needs help with his problem..help him get to meetings.

An adult who has to move in with his sister to get his life in order is more than likely having many problems, alcohol might only be one of them.

My best friend took in her brother last year when he moved back to PA from FL. It was supposed to be temporary situation just until he found a job. Well, he had a drinking problem and he smoked like a chimney too. He didn't find a job and my friend ending up supporting him and providing money to him for his bad habits. If she didn't give him money, he invited his friends back to her house where they partied all day and left her a big mess and a stinky home. With money in his pocket, he went to bars and stayed out all day.

Finally,after a year, she ran into a hardship herself and had no extra money to give him. So she had to put him out, which was no easy task. My friend and her siblings had a hard, difficult childhood and she was very close to her brother. She still feels so bad about what she did and had to do. He did find a job when he really had to at the last minute.

You may want to set up some guidelines with your brother...a contract with house rules..and if he wants to stay with you, he will have to agree to abide by the rules.

The contract should be simple, short and sweet and to the point. If he were to rent an apartment, there would be rules too. If he doesn't agree, well then you have a big choice to make about your and his living arrangements.

I wish you and your brother the best.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

lovesrecess — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:00:41 GMT

On 3/14/2015 GoodStuff said:
If you don't want alcohol in your home, that's your right, and your brother (or any guest) should honor your wishes. I don't know if your brother is an alcoholic or not, but he is inconsiderate and disrespectful to disregard your wishes, and you shouldn't allow him to stay in your home on those terms. Tell him you want your home alcohol free, and if he isn't willing to abide by that, he needs to find another place to stay. Pronto.

ITA!

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

DJP — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:01:16 GMT

If he is drinking that much he will not get his life in order. And telling you to drink should tell you that his drinking is a real problem. He should go to AA or Rehab ASAP.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

september — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:01:18 GMT

How are you "pretty sure he is an alcoholic"?

Some people will put anyone who is a social drinker into this category. I know, because I have non-drinkers in my family (Mormons)

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

05gage25 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:04:01 GMT

If he was falling down drunk, a mean drunk, or inappropriate (especially if there are very young children around) I would have real concerns. Otherwise, I agree with yorkieonmypillow. He is your brother...he needs your support. I wish my brother was still around. He died four years ago at the age of 57. He had his share of problems, but I was always there for him. So glad I was.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

Luvtoshopathome — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:06:38 GMT

On 3/14/2015 brewhaha said:
Alcohol is fine. Cigarettes are not.

Did you ever know anyone who died of ciihrosis of the liver? Alcohol in excess is not fine.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

Linds7 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:12:59 GMT

On 3/14/2015 luvtoshopathome said:
On 3/14/2015 brewhaha said:
Alcohol is fine. Cigarettes are not.

Did you ever know anyone who died of ciihrosis of the liver? Alcohol in excess is not fine.

I believe brewhaha meant that alcohol is fine at her (or his) house, cigarettes are not. Same goes for me.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

Moonchilde — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:15:49 GMT

Your OP is sending mixed messages. You say that you have nothing against those who drink, though you do not. You do not say that you have told your brother you do not want him to drink in your home. If you have not told him this, I can see why he would be annoyed when he does drink, and you make comments about how much he's drinking.

If you think he's an alcoholic based on him drinking 2 beers a night or up to a bottle of wine over several hours, you're most likely wrong. When people don't drink, they often assume any alcohol more than one small serving is "too much" or enough to make someone "drunk", with drunk being anything other than stone cold sober. If he's not driving anywhere after drinking and he's not passing out drunk or abusing you, he's just a normal person who enjoys their alcohol.

I have found over the years that most often, those who say they "don't mind", actually do mind, and are passing judgment even if they aren't conscious of it.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

Luvtoshopathome — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:18:52 GMT

On 3/14/2015 MsTrixi said:
On 3/14/2015 luvtoshopathome said:
On 3/14/2015 brewhaha said:
Alcohol is fine. Cigarettes are not.

Did you ever know anyone who died of ciihrosis of the liver? Alcohol in excess is not fine.

I believe brewhaha meant that alcohol is fine at her (or his) house, cigarettes are not. Same goes for me.

In that case I agree, as long as it's not excessive that they can't drive home but definitely no cigarettes in my house either. My friends or family who smoke go outside to smoke.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

DJP — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:20:03 GMT

On 3/14/2015 05gage25 said:
If he was falling down drunk, a mean drunk, or inappropriate (especially if there are very young children around) I would have real concerns. Otherwise, I agree with yorkieonmypillow. He is your brother...he needs your support. I wish my brother was still around. He died four years ago at the age of 57. He had his share of problems, but I was always there for him. So glad I was.

No one has to be falling down drunk to be an alcoholic. I speak from experience. Most of my family members are or were alcoholics. Most were functional. Alcoholism is progressive. That is why I hope he gets help now before it gets worse. My prayers are with the OP and her brother.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

Carmie — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:24:34 GMT

On 3/14/2015 05gage25 said:
If he was falling down drunk, a mean drunk, or inappropriate (especially if there are very young children around) I would have real concerns. Otherwise, I agree with yorkieonmypillow. He is your brother...he needs your support. I wish my brother was still around. He died four years ago at the age of 57. He had his share of problems, but I was always there for him. So glad I was.

If you ever lived with or were close with an alcoholic you would know that many of them never get mean, never appear to be drunk or fall down or act inappropriately.

They need alcohol daily to appear and be normal. If they don't have the alcohol, they will experience DT's and alcohol withdrawal.

It is a disease, but can be overcome, only if someone wants to overcome it. If they have no means of supporting themselves due to job loss,or they spend all of their money on drinks, they can cause you many problems. They need money to support their habit. No different than a heroin addict. I wouldn't want either in my home unless they were open to getting help.

Re: do you think it is OK for a relative who is staying with you to drink alcohol if you do not drink ?

Cookie06 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:27:00 GMT

I always try to make anyone that comes to my home or is staying with me feel as comfortable as possible. That being said, if it bothers you so much that your brother drinks, you knew he drank when you let him come to stay, as you said you think he might be an alcoholic, then why let him stay? I wouldn't consider someone who drinks a bottle of wine or two beers a night an alcoholic. If he is under alot of stress, it won't help if you are complaining to him about having a drink or two. All of that being said, it is your house, and if it is that important to you for someone not to drink, then maybe he should go stay elsewhere?