topic Re: Depression in Wellness

Depression

Midnight Shadow — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 20:41:25 GMT

Hi....I need some advise please.

I'm 65 and have had depression for years. I've been misdiagnosed several times according to 2 different psychologists. I've been told I have PTSD (agree)-depression with bouts of explosive anger (agree) then one said lower for of Bipolar & tried meds and told that was not what I had. Last psychiatrist I saw said that I had PTSD, depression and ADHD. He said meds I was given before (paxil-lexapro-lamictal, all with bad side effects) were wrong for me. He suggested I come in one more time to see him before he made his clear diagnosis. Well, he left the practice 3 weeks after I saw him and was then told I'd have to start with someone else. Only 1 psychiatrist here w/hundreds and hundred of patients and I can't get in for months.

I can't go into detail right now as this would be so very long. I do see a psychologist on a regular bi-weekly basis. Have seen her for numerous years. She too agrees that I need meds but also knows my FEAR of them because of reactions from heart irregularities to paranoia, along with sever anxiety attacks (which are also an issue w/our w/out meds.) She would watch me closely and saw the reactions.

I've been told by my psychologist that what I have only can get worse if not treated. I function to where the majority of people I meet would have no clue. I had fought this and hid it well. Taught myself from very early childhood how to mask it, but now it's to the point that I finally see where I can't mask it anymore. I'm a total wreck. I can't even get myself going to get things ready for Christmas. I've always been able to pull it off....have things in place and one would never know. I just can't anymore. I'm so afraid it's gone too far. Yet at the same time, I make and cancel Dr appointments. I feel like I'll be ok, cancel and then reschedule. When I have spoken to a Dr. I always to them look like I'm so darn put together. That's how well I've learnt to automatically hide it. An example of this is, when at least 20 years ago, I was contemplating suicide. I was nicely dressed for work, standing on the corner by a store, and was actually wanting to end my life. A friends mom came up to me and said, "Oh you always look so nice and put together"..I smiled and let it go at that. I remember thinking Wow, she can't see it and sick as it sounds, prided my self in realizing I hid it well.

Well, it's getting to where I can hide it. It may not show in how I appear, but it's showing in every area from the moment I wake to when I lie down. I'm trying so very hard to get myself going and I just wander around in circles (sometime literally).

My family, who I love so much is coming here for Christmas. I've had eons of time to get the rooms ready, the tree, make soups ahead etc. No major gift buying thank God.
But again, I do a little just to get away with looking like I'm doing something, or say to my husband (who by the way NEVER puts me down, just figures that's who I am, because I always end up getting things done. My excuse I hear myself say is, "I always work better under pressure...Well, it's only a few days away...and God help me I'm so lost. I can't even cry. I can't cry. I just bottle it up and then when alone either tell myself everything I know I should not that's negative, or escape by leaving the house, watching a movie at night or just going up and down the stairs almost in a daze thinking "when is this going to lift". I guess I'm waiting the that time when it does. It used and then I'd feel ok for awhile, but not this time.

I don't know. Part of me thinks I'm wrong in writing this, and then I realize none of you really know me or will ever meet me most likely and is probably safe to put this out.

I've thought of Sam(e)...or Vit D3...just anything to help for Right Now. I don't drink, but I've started smoking again. Even though I know it's not good for me, it does help calm me.

I just need some suggestions as to what there may be out there that is more or less a natural product that might help just lift the veil a little. At least until I can get into see the psychologist. I know, if I went in and said I just can't take it anymore, they would probably admit me. But there's a problem there too. I have a lovely young relative that works there and I'm too embarrassed to know she can pop up my file. At least that is how I feel right now.

I'm rattling on. If I don't stop now, this will be far too long. I just needed to reach out to someone. To you.

Thank you so much. I won't be checking back on the board until later tonight because I have to leave the house right now.

I appreciate all of you for just being here. I'm one who tries to go it alone and I'm so afraid that I can't anymore. I pray, believe me I pray.

Thank you & "Be Blessed" MidnightShadow

Again, I won't be back on the board until after 5 sometime tonight

Re: Depression

Laurel013 — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 21:28:03 GMT

Very hard to read because i, too, suffer from major depression and have since i was a child. My thoughts are that you do need to be admitted because i have been in ur shoes. Is there another hospital you could go to? Again, just my opinion, suggestion. I no longer take meds, left the area i lived in that made things worse, and surrounded myself with positivity which helped. you asked for a quick fix that could help lift the veil a bit and i HAVE to exercise daily...it is the onky way to banish the clouds and anxiety. I also found help in buddhism...such a lifesaver for me. What about a natiinal depression hotline, someone to talk to. i wish u the best...there is hope, dont despair...and u have friends right here...sending a virtual hug to you!

Re: Depression

Ms X — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 22:02:20 GMT

Midnight Shadow: Have you enlisted the help of your primary care doctor or your psychologist? Call them and tell them that you need to see someone right away and ask if they will help you set up an appointment. Have you called that practice that your psychiatrist left and told them you cannot wait? I'm no expert, but I don't think natural products would change things much for you, especially immediately. Let us know whether you do any of this and get any results.

Hang on. Help is on the way!

Re: Depression

dooBdoo — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 23:15:07 GMT

Midnight, I can understand how you feel because I've dealt with depression and anxiety for years. There's so much I could say, but I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I used to "hide it" and make the appearance that everything's okay -- eventually, I learned those things are unintended self-sabotage.

Please put your best interests first. The holidays, family, etc., might seem to come first but they can't in this situation. The best gift you can give to your loved ones, and to yourself, is your own well-being.

1--Make a list. List how you're feeling, how it's affecting your daily life, and any worries that come to mind (including the concern about the relative who works at the hospital).

2--Then contact your psychologist and/or PCP and do it soon. Use the list you prepared, and be clear and honest about what's happening. If you hide things, you've just hindered their ability to help you.

3--Follow their advice, even if it's difficult.

Medications that work for some will be wrong for others. If you try to self-medicate, even with what sounds like "natural" drugs/herbs/supplements, you aren't likely to find a quick fix and you might feel worse. Exercise, bio-feedback, meditation, yoga, special books, self-hypnosis -- things like that can be learned from a therapist and can be very useful in the future. If you follow a certain faith, that can also be an important part of your treatment and healing. But sometimes an inpatient hospital stay is imperative.

You're ahead of the game. You're reaching out for help, you have family and friends who love you, and there are some wonderful people on this forum who can "talk" with you, too.

(((Midnight))), sending cyber hugs and I hope you'll stay in touch.

Re: Depression

Ms X — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 23:23:15 GMT

Midnight: If you're stressed out over your holiday guests, could you ask each person to bring something? I did this a couple of years ago because I don't cook and people don't like to eat what I make when I try. I picked up dessert and already roasted chickens and they brought the rest. They will understand. Alternatively, you could all order out.

Re: Depression

dobiesrule — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 00:13:05 GMT

Midnight, I am so sorry you are in such pain. I understand why you have tried to hide this illness all your life. I think we all want to put the best face on our problems. However, since you have reached out to this board, I'm guessing you are coping less well. As hard as it may be to admit this (to yourself and to others), it may be time to take the drastic step of admitting yourself to a hospital where you will have access to the help you need. It doesn't sound like a good idea to wait until you can see a dr in his office. Please don't be embarrassed by your situation. It is an illness. God bless and keep you.

Re: Depression

dooBdoo — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 00:52:09 GMT

I wanted to mention a long-standing thread in which so many posters have shared their experiences, in case anyone wants to read through it or add comments there:

Depression

link:

http://community.qvc.com/forums/health+fitness/topic/377523/pagenumber/1/index.aspx

Re: Depression

lolakimono — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 01:01:53 GMT

Hi Midnight Shadow,

Here is what I would suggest.

1) Call your psychologist and have her refer you to a psychiatrist. If it is an emergency, I would think she would have a network of physicians she would know who could help and see you faster.

2) Find out where the other psychiatrist went. Look online or at your insurance company's website and see if you can go where he went. That should be faster as an "established" patient.

3) Some insurance companies also have a nurse on call, whom you could talk to and seek referrals/guidance of people in network.

4) Make a to-do list and break it into smaller chunks (hopefully some to be divided among you and your DH).

5) Take shortcuts. If you don't feel up to cooking, order out. I assume that it's grandkids and younger people who are coming and could help you with the tree. You can explain that you've been under the weather, and if they want to help "trim the tree" you could do it together when they arrive. Or just say you've been under the weather and don't put it up. The holidays are about being together, not about the decor.

Re: Depression

Bananie — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 02:02:21 GMT

Please see someone ASAP. I've suffered for years with depression/anxiety. Right now my meds are working well, except for nightmares. The Holidays are especially hard and overwhelming. Don't do anything that you can't do. Don't force yourself "to get it together." Just be honest with your family members, especially your husband. I know how it feels to not be able to do anything. I wasn't able to go out for 2 years. My now ex husband was wonderful. But, it eventually became too much for him. There is hope & help out there. I am a survivor and you can be too. I am now engaged to a childhood friend and he understands some of my limitations. Swimming makes my heart sing and feeling the sun shine on my face too. There are special lamps that do help. God bless. P.S. Yes, this is my first post, but it won't be my last. Godspeed.

Re: Depression

NAES1 — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 02:19:29 GMT

...dear Midnight Shadow,

there is another DEPRESSION thread on this forum which Is under mystrisquirrel. I had just seen it posted from a few minutes ago.

Please get immediate HELP~ This [POINT] cannot be overemphasized: a person who is or once suicidal needs professional help. I can NOT understand or explain why your doctor was not available for you when you had your appointment or -why- there was not someone to alternate for S/he?

Do not try and handle 'your' situation by yourself. You...or anyone in this same helplessness needs immediate assistance. A mental health professional(s).

And do not allow untrained individual to act as the only counselor.

There is a crisis intervention hotline that accepts calls. Suicidal, or anyone who wishes to discuss ANY problem. The are in NY city. The Samaritians. You can google this for further information.

212-673-3000 (helpline). or. 212-532-2400. Help immediately 800- 273-TALK (8255).

The can advise you further (local area) who do you call.

Re: Depression

Midnight Shadow — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 02:45:12 GMT

Thank you all for your care, concern and suggestions. My clinic is closed now, but I will call first thing in the morning. I'm sure they will let me see a Nurse Practioner if my doctor isn't available. I also left a msg. for my psychologist to call me.

I'm going to make my list of my symptoms and how I'm feeling as was suggested. And will check out the link on depression. I'm grateful it was mentioned not to experiment with otc products. Your right.

This Christmas should really be one of the least stressful as far a preparing for. Just our daughter, son-in-law and two grandchildren ages 12 & 15 are coming to stay. They are all always so helpful and respectful. A 100% Blessing. Never any problems with them at all. When we are with them it's about the only time I can relate to the feeling of Joy. They just love on us and we them. We're all keeping it simple with getting gifts for the kids only, and they aren't asking for much of anything. Our grandchildren have already called and asked if they could stay longer after Christmas and then we'd drive them 1/2 way back. So just having them still want to stay and be with us is another blessing. So again, I know it's me. I think I've finally gotten to the point to where I'm getting out of my denial and realizing that I can't do it alone in fighting this battle. I think it's always a little harder during Christmas because my past in childhood was totally the opposite and it probably brings back very uncomfortable memories w/out my even realizing it. For those of you who came from a parental alcoholic/abusive background to where horror was more familiar than love, you know what I mean.

"Survivor" thank you for that reminder. I just happened to peak at the posts and see where #8 wrote that. I've been told that's what I am by my psychologist. It was hard for me to relate to it that way. But I think I'm beginning to see what she meant.

My husband is supportive and is also a survivor of abuse. The one thing he has that I do not is resilience. How he goes on and overcomes amazes me. It sometimes drive me up a wall and even makes me envious, but I have to remember I'm not him. He just has been blessed w/the gift of looking at things in a totally different perspective. He said he's never been depressed, yet is a understanding and compassionate person.

I just realized I started rabbit tracking. Sorry.

Again, thank you all so much. I'll check back on the board tomorrow and let you know how things are going. You have all been so kind.

MidnightShadow

Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible

Re: Depression

ellaphant — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 02:46:19 GMT

Dear Midnight,

I am so sorry for the pain and suffering you have experienced. I would also suggest you get help ASAP. And I mean ASAP. See a psychiatrist immediately. I hope you will let your family know. There is no shame in having depression. Millions of people do. Please get help now and hopefully you will find the doctor and medication that will help.

Wishing you all the best.

Re: Depression

Midnight Shadow — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 02:57:42 GMT

Before I go off the thread I want to say Welcome to the Board Bananie.

Your thoughtful post along with the other's means so much.

Be Blessed

Midnight

Re: Depression

TRUE — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 03:12:51 GMT

You're not alone you sound a lot like me. I've been to shrinks tried almost all anti depressants and am on Lexapro now, yet I still feel "not right". I am a worrier, I do have major ptsd and panic attacks, depression. I just turned 70 and that really upset me yet I know I should be happy I made it. Right now I've had a cold and that makes things worse. I try to fight this demon by myself and with lexapro but feel it doesn't really help I don't want to be a zombie. I do think most of us are bi polar to varying degrees....

One thing I do I am Buddhist is listen to Utube Pema Chodron is excellent "when things fall apart" and everything she does is with humor. A nun late 70's and has been married twice I think you will find it helpful. There are others but if you like this because we can certainly all relate.....I can advise more. It will put a smile on your face. I don't regard it as religion but the universes best psychology~!!

I hope this helps :-)

Re: Depression

shawn101 — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 03:53:07 GMT

As I was reading this, I was thinking I could have written this. I have given up on trying to get help and as you said I hide it well. With the new insurance they do not allow my antidepressants any more so I feel like any moment I can explode. Every day is a struggle but I just take it one day at a time. I hope you find answers for yourself.

Re: Depression

glmama — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 04:14:22 GMT

I just wanted to say hello and thank you for sharing your experience. While it's hard to read, I know that the more people share, the more others suffering in silence may be comforted to know that they are not alone.

I, too, suffer from mild-moderate depression and anxiety. My only suggestion is that just like any other doc I would try to find another opinion. 2nd or 3rd opinion, if needed. There IS hope out there. I have read stories and know a few ppl IRL who have severe depression and with the right doc, right meds, right behavior mods, etc., have gotten much better.

My best to you and I'm sending lots of support (cyber) and love to you.

Re: Depression

glmama — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 04:22:26 GMT

Random thought I wanted to share. There is a "thing" on line, started by a blogger who has depression, and it's a phrase: Depression Lies.

It is such an insidious disease. It changes the mind and our decision making and makes us believe that our thoughts and depression our the truth. It is NOT. One thing that has helped me is to really remind myself that I am separate from my depression. These thoughts you have are not the truth. Depression lies to us about who we are, want we want, and whether or not we can and deserve to be happy. Sounds silly, but sometimes reminding myself of this helps.

Of course, first and foremost, is getting the right medical help. So please know that I realize that these positive thoughts and directives can only take hold once meds and the right treatment are in place.

Re: Depression

glmama — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 04:33:01 GMT

Oh, and one other shout-out about the other Depression thread. Started by MistriSquirrel and loads of replies and good discussion. I think I've only posted 1-2 times, but I do read it on occasion and the thread is still going strong.

Re: Depression

Big Sister — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 04:43:49 GMT

Midnight Shadow, my heart goes out to you. Please hang in there; you can get better.

Please keep us updated.

May God bless you.

Re: Depression

Ms X — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 14:02:16 GMT

On 12/18/2014 shawn101 said: As I was reading this, I was thinking I could have written this. I have given up on trying to get help and as you said I hide it well. With the new insurance they do not allow my antidepressants any more so I feel like any moment I can explode. Every day is a struggle but I just take it one day at a time. I hope you find answers for yourself.

Shawn: It is my understanding that your doctor can get the insurer to approve your medication if you fail a trial on others. Please call your doctor to discuss this.