topic Re: Changing your life /after 50 in Wellness

Changing your life /after 50

ANewHue — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 05:15:35 GMT

Has anyone here divorced after 20 plus years.of marriage. I've been married for a longtime and during that time as in life we have survived challenges (serious illness, unemployment and such). Had a bad rough patch a decade ago and I stuck it out although I was not happy and really wanted to divorce. My husband has always been a pessimist and it's getting worse. He complains about everything . We are on different pages, wanting different things from life. I feel like I have sacrificed much of my life for him and our marriage. I want to enjoy my time now and although I have health challenges I want more out of life. I worked all my life from a very young age until getting ill and I feel he has taken advantage of the situation. He works but basically that's all he does, My life should be much easier and I should have my house the way I want it. There is work that I cannot do and he does none of it and never will. I am constantly cleaning and the house can't stay clean, it's like he works against me. Although we go out you can't have a decent conversation and he never listens and creates problems for life. He needs to go to a doctor but won't and when he does he want go for the tests the doctor orders. I refuse to make any appointment. He is older than me and has a very negative attitude about life. I told him today that I cannot take it anymore and he will get served. He doesn't believe I'll go through with it, although I will be unstable financially for the first time in My life I am not too concerned , I feel I will have peace

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Colonel Meow — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 05:19:16 GMT

I have no words of wisdom, here, but I'm sending you hugs during this challenging time. You seem like a very kind person from the interactions I've shared with you on these boards.

I won't try to guide you one way or the other because when it comes down to it, only you know what is best for you!

Re: Changing your life /after 50

HappyDaze — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 05:25:02 GMT

I too don't have any advice for you but did want you to know that I support you and wish you all the best in the world. I'm sending you prayers for strength and happiness, beaches. You deserve only the best.

Re: Changing your life /after 50

NickelEmily — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 05:36:59 GMT

No one can know what is in your highest and best interests but you. ... And I can't give you any advice. But I can share I know 50+ woman who recently divorced after being married about the same amount of time. If you are wobbling, please check out retrouvaille, a program for marriages tat have and are falling apart. If you are sure about your path, I wish you all the best. May you find that happiness and peace at last whatever you decide to do.

Re: Changing your life /after 50

ANewHue — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 05:37:32 GMT

Colonel meow and. Happydaze- thanks girls. I just feel like I'm Constantly being pulled down by the immediate family. I have issues with my elderly mother causing trouble and my DH. He's a great guy but he has this real negative view on life. Like a depression sort of . With my own health challenges it just pulls me down. I fight everyday to make my quality of life better and his,outlook really annoys me. He has been very healthy and he takes advantage of it. He's a bad patient. He talks about this or that but never does any of it just talks about it. I actually been snapping at him all week because frankly I'm sick of hearing it. He is great at making excuses, instead of just doing it and getting it done he'll sit and take the time to make excuses. He had something to do in the yard and he went on for months with excuses, finally I snapped, well he did the job within a half hour, so what's the problem? I'm really on the brink, it's like me or him and of course I'm choosing me.

Re: Changing your life /after 50

ANewHue — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 05:39:04 GMT

On 9/28/2014 NickelEmily said: No one can know what is in your highest and best interests but you. ... And I can't give you any advice. But I can share I know 50+ woman who recently divorced after being married about the same amount of time. If you are wobbling, please check out retrouvaille, a program for marriages tat have and are falling apart. If you are sure about your path, I wish you all the best. May you find that happiness and peace at last whatever you decide to do.

Thank you.

Re: Changing your life /after 50

LindaLatte — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 05:51:34 GMT

I was married for more than 35 years before I finally divorced in my late 50's. While I don't know your situation, I know that the divorce was a good choice for me. Not an easy choice by any means. While I was lonely and unsure of myself, I was also proud of myself for finally going through with the divorce.

After the separation, I went through counseling, and a "Rebuidling" group. Both did wonders for me. It has been 10 years since this happened, and I only wish I had done it sooner.

Hope that you find a solution that works for you -- be it divorce or working on "marriage repair."

I'm very happy with my new life. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

Linda

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Tinkerbell3 — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 06:15:47 GMT

I think that it would serve you well to talk with someone. It could really help you sort things out. You don't owe anyone anything. Life is too short.

Have to tried couples therapy? I would certainly try that first... In addition, you really owe it to yourself to find a great therapist for YOU- YOU deserve it!

Re: Changing your life /after 50

violann — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 13:21:36 GMT

I have a very strong belief in the fact that everything "given" to us in life is given for a reason, whether we see it at the time or not. I know why DH and I married and I know why we have struggles when we do. I also know that a re-start is very possible after 50, and careful thinking, planning, and determination is the starting point. It does sound to me as though both of you are experiencing issues that could make life as a couple difficult. If you can find any aspects of your marriage worth salvaging, your attack on the problems might you feel more proactive and empowered. Hope you're very close to finding something to renew your spirits!

Re: Changing your life /after 50

gazelle77 — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 13:46:33 GMT

People do change after 20 years... I am going on 34 years married. The man I married in his early 20's is a different person than the man I live with now... and I also have changed and morphed into a whole new person. In relationships there are always new challenges... but, as my husband and I both get older, we rely on one another more and more and so it is creating a new and lovely bond that when younger we did not share.

I seriously would reconsider your thoughts of divorce... maybe just separate for a few months. Get a new perspective on your life. Being apart lets you see how things would be without your husband. It may help you sort out your feelings.... counseling is helpful.

I seperated from my husband in marriage Year number 7 for 6 months... got my own apartment... did my own thing. I learned how much and how deeply I loved him during that 6 months and that the grass was NOT GREENER on the other side of the fence. We have been together ever since. No, it has not been perfect, far from it, but, life is not perfect and life is full of challenges that I believe make you stronger to handle the next challenge that comes your way.

Best wishes to you and what you decide to do. Just do not do anything fast or quick. Step back, take a breather from the situation, take time. There is no rush.

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Mominohio — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 13:57:59 GMT

Having been divorced, but much younger, the only advice I would have to offer you is that both parties have to be willing to work on changing the dynamic and that usually means each has to change the way they approach the relationship. If both parties aren't committed to doing the work, and trying to change, then it is futile. If only one person really cares about saving the relationship, it is already a done deal, and over. I personally find it a waste of time if someone has to be dragged into therapy, or begged or pushed into dealing with/confronting the issues. Living with a constant stream of negativity, and someone who will not get help (for addictions, mental health help, physical health help etc.) can put stress on your own health as well.

I hope you find what you need as you go through this journey. As with any choice in life, there are things that will be better, and things that will be harder in each choice.

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Ms X — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 14:21:06 GMT

Beaches: Can you tell us what is good about your husband, what he does do for you, and what you will miss if he is gone?

Re: Changing your life /after 50

ANewHue — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 16:18:13 GMT

My DH was a sweet caring man up until now, as he has aged he has become very negative about everything. I am not sure if he has an illness because he refuses to go to a doctor. He constantly complains about everything. This has been going on for quite awhile now, doesn't want to vacation or anything although he talks a good story excuses start. I on the other hand want to travel and enjoy life. We did get away a few months ago but it was upon my insistence, instead of it being relaxing and fun, it was very stressful. He doesn't want to enjoy the good things in life he would rather complain. Yet, he spends money on foolish things. He always changes the subject to me when I say something. I don't go out much and when I do it's for a few hours. I've been home for a few years now and had to adjust to that but I feel like. I'm being taken advantage of now. The harder I work the more work I have. Somedays I work like a dog and then pay the price for it as my body breaks down. If I clean one area they are messing up another area of the house. We are all grown ups here and no one but me cleans up after themselves. It's ridiculous.

Re: Changing your life /after 50

ChancesMom — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 16:23:20 GMT

All I can say is life is very, very short-concentrate on making yourself happy!

Re: Changing your life /after 50

151949 — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 16:25:24 GMT

It sounds like there are more than just you and your husband living there.

I also wonder if menopause isn't making you feel as you do.or at least partially - exaggerating the bad. Menopause has a way of doing that.

I would recommend a counselor - if he won't go with you - go alone.

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Scooby Doo — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 16:41:24 GMT

You talk about "they". It sounds like you have more problems than just your husband. What will you do if you file for divorce. Will you move and let "them" have the house. If not, you will still have more people to deal with and it sounds like "they" are not cooperating either.

I don't have any solutions for you, but I wish you the best.

Re: Changing your life /after 50

chrystaltree — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 16:53:16 GMT

Poverty sounds good until you are actually living it. Trust me, if you dump your husband and have to live like a pauper for the next 35 years, you will not be happy and you will not be at peace. It sounds like you should first a few sessions with a therapis to sort things through and focus on your real concerns and then you should go into couples counselling with your husband. You don't just walk away from a marriage, especially when you are financially dependant on your husband. I understand that you are unhappy and it is possible that you have grown apart and don't want the same things anymore. You just aren't in sync anymore. Divorce my be the final solution. But not now. You are unhappy but so is he. You have your complaints, I'm sure he has his complaints too. No marriage is perfect. Take it one step at a time.

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Lucky Charm — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 17:35:13 GMT

Normally, I would agree with the therapy route, and I still do.

Normally, I would be anti-divorce, but I'm hearing a distinct unhappiness, distance and depressing outlook from your opening post.

First, if you are having health issues and no one in the house seems to care about that alone, I'd want to get out.

If you are having health issues and no one in the house seems to care and just go about their messy ways, I'd want to leave.

If I was having health issues and trying to tell the man I married that I'm struggling day to day and he ignored me, I'd want to leave him.

My husband could be the sweetest man, bring me flowers, gifts, tell me I deserve nice vacations or getaways, tend to my needs when I'm sick.

But if he isn't taking his own health seriously and trying to live and lead a healthy lifestyle, then it takes away all the other good things he does.

That to me speaks volumes about how happy he is with our life together, how much he loves and enjoys our children and grandchildren. How happy he is with his life.....

Immediately, I mean as soon as you can.....Talk to your husband first, don't blindside him in front of anyone else. Tell him exactly what you've said here. How unhappy you are, tired of cleaning up after everyone, his bad attitude towards you and his own outlook on life with the negativity.

Then I'd sit everyone down tell them exactly what you have said here. Let them ALL know how unhappy you are and that it's gonna change, whether they do or not. Tell each and every one what it is that is bothering you. Get it out in the open.

Either they are willing to work with you or continue on as they are. But they should continue on with out you. I'd leave. There's a whole life ahead of you, live it!

Re: Changing your life /after 50

HappyDaze — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 17:39:12 GMT

Beaches, I just noticed you said "they" as well- are there other people living with you? Is it only your husband that isn't cleaning up after himself or are there others living there not helping out?

Re: Changing your life /after 50

Gooday — Mon, 29 Sep 2014 18:01:05 GMT

You will know when it's time and when you do......you will at first feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders.

Just be smart and get your ducks in a row by seeking legal counsel.

I did it after only 9 1/2 years of marriage and when I told him, he swore he NEVER saw it coming. What a crock. The man was a pathological liar who nearly put us in bankruptcy. It was the best move I ever made and that was 21 years ago. I am blissfully re-married without a financial care in the world.

Good luck to you.