topic Re: Elderly Falls in Wellness

Elderly Falls

KittySoftPaws — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 16:06:48 GMT

My husband and I received a call this moring from EMT's that were at my MIL's apartment. She is 87 and in a power chair and in poor health. She has several caretakers that come and go through the day, but none that stay the night. She has many health isssues. She has a life alert, but for whatever reason, she did not use it, or was not able, when she fell last night and remained on the floor all night until they had to break down the door this morning to get in. The last time this happened a few months ago, it was during the day and she was not down for long. We had cared for her in her home for the last 4 years until it was time for us to get on with our lives. During the time we were ready to move, she had been in an assisted living facility for 6 months that she chose, and decided that she wanted to live in an apartment instead. So we moved her in, fixed up her huge home, had several estate sales etc., sold her home, and moved ourselved to another state. Very hard time. The ER Nurse this morning told us she was being taken to the Hospital, and that's all we know. I feel bad for her, but believe in the philosophy of "live and let live" meaning if you can make decisions and choices for yourself, you have that right and should do so. The real shame is she has two other children that are in nearby adjoining states much closer than we are, but have refused to help her in any way the last 4+ years.

Re: Elderly Falls

Bonkers1 — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 16:04:14 GMT

I appreciate your philosophy but she will always be on your mind no matter where you live. Also I appreciate the fact she can choose where to live. As far as the other family members are concerned you just have to write them off.

Re: Elderly Falls

ID2 — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 16:20:08 GMT

OP, I just don't understsand your statement that you stayed with your MIL for 4 years the "you had to get on with your life". Um sorry to hear you feel that way. When I was caregiving my dad in his last years, my life came to a halt. It was all bout him. It wasn't until he passed away that we retired, sold our house and moved.

Re: Elderly Falls

santorini — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 16:31:23 GMT

I'm glad we're not related.

Re: Elderly Falls

KittySoftPaws — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 16:34:41 GMT

@ID2 You and I will both agree, you do not understand why I said what I said. There is always more to the story and I don't need, or wish to go into it. Don't make assumptions based on your experiences alone, everyone's circumstances are different. We sacrificed many things and were taken advantage of and treated very badly. So don't play the guilt trip card with me.

Re: Elderly Falls

KittySoftPaws — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 16:35:39 GMT

@santorini Ignorant comment.

Re: Elderly Falls

chrystaltree — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 16:37:27 GMT

I understand the temptation to criticize her other out of state children but you should refrain from doing that. Living in an adjoining state would not help the woman in situation like this. The other siblings, like you, are too far away. Your MIL's situation is becoming more common now that people are living longer and with families being scattered all over the country. It sounds like you did all that you could possibly do to make your MIL safe and comfortable. She has the services she needs to "age at home" but she is extremely elderly and disabled so there's going to be some risk. She does have the right to make her own decisions . My sister is disabled and she is in a situation like this. She's in her own apartment but she has a visiting nurse every week, a home health aide and homemaker to shop, do laundry and clean. Hey bff visits weekly. So 2 to 3 people in every day on weekdays. Someone from the family visits on the weekend. But with all that, she was alone at night when she had a heart attack. She does wear a medical alert device. And once she fell off the toilet in the middle of the night and needed the paramedics to help her up. She qualifies for a nursing home but she doesn't want that. She does not need that. So we all do the best we can do, knowing there are some "holes" in the plan. She's in the hospital now receiving care and treatment. Just stay in contact with the hospital and with her. You have no reason to feel guilty. You have been very good to her.

Re: Elderly Falls

Travone — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 16:37:47 GMT

I feel sorry for her. I know I will be alone as I don't have children. But she is all alone and has children.

Was it not possible for her to live in an apartment close to you when you moved.?

Re: Elderly Falls

shy bobcat — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 16:40:47 GMT

I hope your MIL is okay @KittySoftPaws This is a difficult circumstance to be in. I hope her other children see the need and step up to help where and when needed. You have been so helpful in fulfilling her wishes. Take care!

Re: Elderly Falls

santorini — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 16:57:39 GMT

@KittySoftPaws wrote:
@santorini Ignorant comment.

Really? It's an accurate comment. Further proves my point.

Re: Elderly Falls

cotton4me — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 17:05:04 GMT

My heart goes out to you. These situations can be difficult. Sometimes seniors don’t always make the best decisions regarding their care, and we can only do so much. I had a difficult situation with my mother where she refused to go into assisted living. Her family lived out of state and offered for her to come live with them or near them, but she refused. She ended up in the hospital and they recognized that she needed to be in a facility so that’s where she was sent when she was released. That was a blessing.

All the best to you and your family.

Re: Elderly Falls

BlueFinch — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 17:07:29 GMT

@KittySoftPaws I can completely understand your feelings about this long term, deteriorating situation. I promised my mom I would never place her in a nursing home and tried to help her maintain her independence as long as possible.

For over 15 years, I was back and forth at her home, attending to her needs. When her Alzheimer's hit a crescendo, the last three years plus of her life, I hired a 24hr a day sitter (retired LVN) for her safety, which was very expensive. I was in charge of nursing needs, still running back and forth. It was a very difficult time. Basically, I sacrificed some of the prime years of my life in duty to my mom's requests.

Looking back, I've learned that sometimes we have to go against what someone requests, when it's unreasonable and no longer safe. I wouldn't do it again. It aged me, it changed me. It's like my free child exited my body, never to return.

So I would never think -- live and let live, we have to help make the decisions, with someone in risky health. I wouldn't take on the load that I did again, nor should the individual be left to manage on their own, when we know it's going to be a train wreck. It is a dilemma.

During one of my mom's later doc visits, the doc turned to me and unexpectedly said: We're at the point, where your suffering is now much greater than your mom's. She's lost. You need a break. I had always tried to be upbeat with him, but he saw through it all. He was the one who put me in touch with the sitter.

Having learned, I would seek nice placement for my mom in an appropriate medical facility, the last few years, before exhausting myself. Even a 24hr sitter wasn't enough, when my mom could become combative. Anyone dealing with such issues needs a strong support system.

Re: Elderly Falls

Kachina624 — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 17:19:14 GMT

@KittySoftPaws. Sounds like this elderly woman's family has blown her off when she's obviously not in a state of mind to make wise decisions. You've got to do what you think is best for you while she founders. She obviously needs to be in assisted living. The family should insist on it.

Re: Elderly Falls

LindaSal — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 17:33:58 GMT

@KittySoftPaws Let me just say, been there, done that. We went through the same type of scenario with my MIL. DH has 3 siblings who are local but never offered to help us.

We did finally get her to go into assisted living after being at her beck and call for several years before that. She could not accept her age and losing most of her independence so she lashed out at us and all we did for her was never good enough. I know what you are going through and I totally get it. People say "oh I would never do this or that"........

if you haven't been through this situation you have no idea what it's like and everyone's family and situation is unique.

Fast forward, MIL took a bad fall and also could not reach her EM button. She laid on the bathroom floor all night long until housekeeping came in the morning. She was taken to the hospital and passed away 4 weeks later at 91. It was a blessing as it was killing us healthwise and emotionally. Godspeed.

@BlueFinch Bless you. I totally understand.

Re: Elderly Falls

KittySoftPaws — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 18:08:23 GMT

@BlueFinch Yes, it does change you because it becomes all consuming and without even realizing it the person in need begins to demand more and more all the while not realizing what the person caring for them is sacrificing. After 4 years of caring for her with zero help, pleading with her to decide on either assisted living or an apartment, taking her to both several times, we said we have to go on with our lives. It was costing us more and more, mentally and finacially. We have, and still are, contemplating divorce because of the ****** she put us through. She was bad mouthing me all the time to anyone who would listen as she wanted her son all to herself. Like my old Boss used to always say, "no good deed goes unpunished" We then sold my home, and were sitting on money to hopefully purchase another one. We were living in her home that was so not conducive for us and she knew that. When we finally made plans to leave, she came to us and said, "I will sell this home and we can put our monies together and get a home that is conducive to all of us as long as you continue to care for me until you can't or until I pass and then the home will belong to you both. We decided that it was the best decision for all of us, so we cancelled our rental and our move that took alot of doing to get. After looking at several homes, she then pulled the rug out from under us and said "I'm sorry I mislead you, I can't do this." Now you may understand more why I say "live and let live" she has the finacial and cognitive resources to make decisions for herself, but chose not to because she was beyond selfish and was only concerned for her own needs. Some decisions have consequences. I have forgiven her, and I still want the best for her, but I will not carry around anymore negative feelings in regards to her as it has taken enough out of me. My husband, her son, has had a much harder time with it. Regretably too, I would never do this again, nor would I ever put any of my family that I loved, in this position. My Mother never would have either.

Re: Elderly Falls

Desertdi — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 18:06:51 GMT

Assisted living apartments in my area run about $14,000 a MONTH. (Yes, I have priced them.)

This could be a challenge for people who don't have the assets to cover such an expense.

Re: Elderly Falls

KittySoftPaws — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 18:36:48 GMT

@LindaSal I still feel good about myself in that I helped her when no one else would. The sacrifices now however seem like all for nothing. If she had only appreciated us and treated us with the same regard, we would all be in a better positon today. Despite that, I still believe everything happens for a reason, even those we don't always understand. I harbour no resentment for her and still wish her the best.

Re: Elderly Falls

GingerHead — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 18:53:49 GMT

@KittySoftPaws

Sounds like you've been through a lot and I think it was very kind of ya'll to take care of her, it doesn't sound like she or her other children made it easy for you.

Being a care giver is so so hard.

My dad lived with us for a year while going through cancer treatment. When he got here he was literally at deaths door but with chemo he has since recovered and left.

That was the hardest year of mine and my husband's life and I now have a better insight into just how terribly hard being a care giver is.

Don't feel guilty, you can't sacrifice your life, marriage and happiness.

Wanting and seeking out your own happiness and sanity is not selfish, you can only do so much sometimes.

Sorry you're going through this and I wish you all well....

Re: Elderly Falls

jlkz — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 19:36:45 GMT

@BlueFinch

My mom lasted almost 5 years in assisted living / memory care / nursing home before passing. As the oldest daughter, my biggest battles were with my dad: it took him a long, long time to understand Alzheimer's.

When my mom went into assisted living mixed with memory care ( it was not the best type of facility as we discovered ), she became very combative. She had a cane that she used on the staff; graduated to a wheel chair and still weaponized it; taken to a lockdown hospital unit.

All this came as a total shock because she had been the most compliant, mild-mannered person !

That combative stage did ultimately pass and we found a facility that was totally dedicated to memory care. Unfortunately, the disease rapidly progressed and she had to transfer to a nursing facility.

Re: Elderly Falls

Desertdi — Wed, 23 Oct 2024 19:42:30 GMT

@jlkz

I had MANY of the same problems as you did. In fact, my mother didn't even know who I was, and thought I was trying to "steal her money". I went thru 14 years of that. di