topic Re: deep grief in Wellness

deep grief

dotdddd — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 17:47:27 GMT

background...24/7 c giver, 93yo mom, lived w/me passed away unexpected in her sleep Mar.4 while I took a 3day vac.My son found her when he went to get her up. my problem, I still have DEEP greif, my heart actually hurts. Everyone [sibs.] seem to have moved on wks. ago, at the funeral[one bro. didn't even come] I was sobbing and I could here bro. in the background laughing w/someone. I can't understand it, I think of her all day and dream all nite and still cry, I have joined a greif group,any suggestions?

Re: deep grief

Linds7 — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 17:53:56 GMT

I am so sorry for your grief! Seems that she had a long life filled with lots of love, and she didn't seem to suffer at the end. Hope you can find some comfort in that. Everyone grieves differently, and in a different time frame, so just allow yourself to grieve in your own way.

My suggestion would be to just realize how short life is and to put your energy into being with and loving the people that mean the most to you.

I wish you comfort and peace!

Re: deep grief

LexaMom — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 17:54:55 GMT

Hi Dotdddd,

I lost my 93 year old mother 5 years ago. I can tell you is to give yourself time. Nothing else helps. I know. And try to think about the long life she had and how fortunate you were to have her for as long as you did. That gave me some peace. It will get easier - but it takes a long time. I could not swallow food for a long time, had to force myself to eat.. but it will get better. I am so sorry for your loss but darn, we did have them for a very long time!

Peace to you,

Ricki

Re: deep grief

saversmom — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 17:55:08 GMT

I wish you strength.

I think the grief group will be a good first start for you.

Loss is very painful. I understand what you have said and what you are feeling.

Re: deep grief

ivey — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 17:55:44 GMT

So sorry for your mom passing away. A lot has happened in a short period of time. You can't measure your grief, nor anyone else's. We all grieve differently. You joined a grief group, and that is very good. So good to talk things out.

After an unexpected death in my family, I went to my family doctor. He was very kind to me and explained that grieving is actually both a physical and mental process. Your body reacts physically with pain, heart palpitations, stomach troubles, etc. In my case, he prescribed medication. I would strongly suggest that you go to your family doctor or someone kind who can work with you through this.

I also went to one-on-one grief counseling, and it was so helpful. One of the things the counselor suggested was to accept the invitations of others to activities, even if I didn't want to go. It breaks the grief process temporarily. You don't have to stay all evening--just get dressed and spend a few minutes talking with others. This really helped me.

I wish you the very best and just said a prayer for you.

Re: deep grief

Preds — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 17:58:06 GMT

Time. Some need more that others to get through. You were with her 24/7 so I'm assuming that you were the closest to her and knew her better than any one else. That alone can cause a deep pain. I also saw that you weren't with her when she passed and felt a little guilty ... which you should never feel guilty for getting a much needed rest. Every person handles things in their own way and in their own time frame. Don't rush it. Your peace will come when the time is right. You are missing her, but she is in a good place and would want you to find happiness now, I'm sure. Time will heal your pain. Therapy groups are a good way to start. Talk it out there and with friends. Be patient with yourself. Chat about it here with your BB friends. Just remember to let it out and don't hold back. Wishing you strength and blessings on this journey.

Re: deep grief

susan kay — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 18:10:23 GMT

I am so sorry for your loss. You can never explain to someone what it feels like to lose your mother. You have recd a lot of good suggestions here. Your going to grief support meetings is a great place to start....whether you go for one or ten sessions, it's good to share you feelings with others who are going through the same thing. Going out even when you don't feel like getting dressed is important, too. Just going through the motions will help. Getting out into the sun and walking may change your mood, even if for a short while.

Your pain will change. Right now, it is a very, very raw feeling since it is so new. I think that you will always grieve after the loss of your mother, but in time, it will just be a different type of pain as you remember the good times and the wonderful person that she was.

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.

Re: deep grief

I am still oxox — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 18:13:55 GMT

I am sorry for the situation you are in, you need to give your self the time to heal and let it go. You did everything you could for you Mom and as unfortunate it is that she passed when you were not there, a 93 death is not an "unexpected event"

Re: deep grief

scotnovel — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 18:21:57 GMT

Very sorry for your loss. It is always especially hard for a caregiver to lose someone that close to them.

But, please don't be too hard on others who don't appear to grieve the same way that you do. Not everyone shows their grief in ways that we think they "should". When my beloved Grandfather died, I was so upset that I could not attend the funeral. Some family members were upset because they knew how close we had been and they thought that I was being disrepectful. However, we had said our goodbyes and he would have understood my choice to grieve in my own way.

Re: deep grief

sidsmom — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 18:25:02 GMT

Sorry for your loss...but like he others have said, grieving is on your own timetable. Question...are you upset she passed when you weren't there? Maybe that was her way of telling you, you will be fine without her...you have so much beautiful life to live. Does that make sense? 10 yrs after my sister passed, I still get teary-eyed when I see certain things....but it will get easier. I guarantee it. Come back here to post, if need be.

Re: deep grief

MSA2004 — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 18:25:47 GMT

My condolences.

Re: deep grief

puglover2014 — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 18:30:04 GMT

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad almost 20 years ago and I still miss him every day. Time won't take away your feelings of loss but you will be able to handle it better over time and some day you will smile about the wonderful memories you have with your mom.

Re: deep grief

LilacTree — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 18:30:07 GMT

My mom died 47 years ago when she was just 49. I was 29 years old and had lived with my husband and children in another state for five years prior to my mom's death. I felt guilty for that for a very long time because we didn't see much of each other during that five years. I went up there to take care of her for the last four months of her life, bringing my two youngest babies (2 months and 16 months) with me and having to leave my older two (3 and 4-1/2 years with their father). 47 years later, I still miss her.

My beloved sister died two and a half years ago and I still cry every day. I never stop thinking about her. I sometimes say her name over and over again. I just say her name, I don't "talk" to her.

Expect that you will not get over this in less than a month, or perhaps ever. And, as others have said, be thankful that she lived a very long, full life.

My heart goes out to you, please accept my sincere condolences.

Re: deep grief

qualitygal — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 18:34:18 GMT

You like me, had a very close bonding with your mom. I understand your deep pain. You will need to give it time. Just take it one day at a time. You will never have to stop loving her just because she's not physically there. Soon you'll remember more good and yet, in loving a parent we still will have our rough days to get through. Don't be hard on yourself, we all grieve differently. Give it time, there's no rush.

Re: deep grief

glitzandglam — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 21:13:49 GMT

Oh, I'm so sorry. ((hugs)) It is a very short time for you to feel like you should be "over" your grief. As others have said, this is such a personal thing. Try not to take other people's behavior personally. People grieve in different ways and show it in different ways. Also, some people are in an almost shocked state and it takes them a while to truly understand that someone is gone.

((hugs)) and good luck to you.

Re: deep grief

JeanLouiseFinch — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 21:18:03 GMT

It's never easy to lose someone close, but you can look at this another way. Even in her compromised capacity, this may have been the last gift your dear mom was able to give you. Maybe she knew how horrible it would be for you so she waited until you took your trip so you wouldn't be the one to find her. Granted, it's not a position anyone wants to be in, or something we'd wish on anyone, but she knew your devotion and perhaps it was the kindest thing she could do, waiting until you wouldn't be there before she let go.

Everyone grieves in different ways. Perhaps the laughter was your brother's way of coping. Perhaps returning to work or usual activities works for someone else. Allow yourself time to cry, but also allow others what they need to do for themselves. Don't let yourself to get stuck in your despair. Remember your mom in her good days and gain strength from all the life lessons she taught you. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting her.

Re: deep grief

okBlonde — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 21:23:50 GMT

Sorry for the loss of your mom. At 93 it is to be expected. You probably put so much time into her care now that she is gone you don't know what to do with yourself? My mom died at age 63 from pancreatic cancer; I spent a lot of time at the hospital almost every night for 2 months (when insurance paid for things like this in the 80's). After she passed, I had nothing to do when I got home from work at night and it about drove me crazy. It just takes time.

Re: deep grief

hckynut — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 21:50:56 GMT

On 3/31/2014 dotdddd said:
background...24/7 c giver, 93yo mom, lived w/me passed away unexpected in her sleep Mar.4 while I took a 3day vac.My son found her when he went to get her up. my problem, I still have DEEP greif, my heart actually hurts. Everyone [sibs.] seem to have moved on wks. ago, at the funeral[one bro. didn't even come] I was sobbing and I could here bro. in the background laughing w/someone. I can't understand it, I think of her all day and dream all nite and still cry, I have joined a greif group,any suggestions?

I lived alone with my mother for the last 10 years of her life. Many of those years I watched her go downhill from heart disease. With each hospital stay or doctors visit she was told to "do less", and my mother was not a "do less" person. She died mentally ever time she was told not to do this or do that and it was very painful for me to watch this happening to her.

She died in the hospital after I found her lying in the hallway of our home after I came home from working a night shift back in 1969. I had 3 older sisters at the time, 1 has since died of cancer, and the took the loss of our mother just as badly as did I.

Funerals and wakes are not a good place to judge anyone's character, especially people that may also be feeling terrible grief. Laughing does not mean any disrespect to anyone, including the deceased. The biggest and best things I remember about her funeral and wake were not what someone said or how they acted. It was the fact that "they came to the service" to support the living members of our family and to pay respects to our dear mother.

My only suggestion is to do anything you have even the slightest thought of it helping you deal with your grief. Another suggestion would be to forget about any negativity that happened before/during or since the her death. Carrying negativity around with you only burdens you more and does nothing to help you deal with this terrible grief.

I am so sorry about the loss of your mother, but hopefully she lived a full and happy life most of those many years.

My best to you and for many time does make things better, but one never forgets when they lose a close parent.

Re: deep grief

Jeremiah 2911 — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 21:51:59 GMT

I'm so sorry about the sudden loss of your beloved mother.

I think that the intense grief you're feeling is very normal in light of the close relationship you shared with your mom.

Not much time has gone by since she passed away. It's likely you're still in shock over the unexpected timing of her passing.

I think you should just give yourself permission to cry, weep & mourn for as long as you need to.

I pray that the Lord God comforts you and mends your broken heart with his love.

Re: deep grief

gailcoco — Tue, 01 Apr 2014 00:26:36 GMT

I am so sorry for your loss. As your mother's caregiver, you were probably closer to her than any other family members. Grief is natural and each one of us have to grieve in our own way and time. It may take months or it may take years. I still miss my mom (I was her caregiver) but I no longer grieve - I enjoy the memories. Time is the only way you will feel better. I agree with forcing yourself to start doing routine things and going out with friends and family. Taking your mind off your mom, just for a little while, will help. Good luck and God Bless. Gail