topic Re: I need to stop crying... in Wellness

I need to stop crying...

Flatbush — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 05:06:24 GMT

I have a friend of long duration.She is in a memory care home. My problem is crying. When I go to see and spend some time with her. I don't want to cry, and I have pinched myself HARD, but it didn't help. I would appreciate any tips and yes, I cry at everything sad. I go with another close friend, but she said she cries inside and I cry on the outside. I don't want my friend who is ill to see me cry, so I need help.TIA.

Re: I need to stop crying...

fortune — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 05:36:11 GMT

@Flatbush wrote:
I have a friend of long duration.She is in a memory care home. My problem is crying. When I go to see and spend some time with her. I don't want to cry, and I have pinched myself HARD, but it didn't help. I would appreciate any tips and yes, I cry at everything sad. I go with another close friend, but she said she cries inside and I cry on the outside. I don't want my friend who is ill to see me cry, so I need help.TIA.

@Flatbush

Could you just tell your ill friend that you are crying because you are so happy to see her?

Re: I need to stop crying...

manny2 — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 05:57:34 GMT

Since she is in the memory care unit I assume the dementia is advanced? It is very difficult for the friends and family to watch a loved one slip away like this. I also assume it is a lock down unit. Oddly that lock down is freedom for the dementia patient. They get to move around, and there is no fear of them eloping. When any dementia patient is kept in a regular unit it is very frustrating for them, because they have to be watched and constantly redirected.

I know it is painful, but she is in the best place to keep her safe. I hope this gives you some comfort.

Re: I need to stop crying...

kitcat51 — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 06:20:38 GMT

I take a few minutes to remember it's about them, not me & I need to control my emotions...if I need to cry I do it alone at home. I Wish Your Friend Peace & Blessings. Take care @Flatbush.

Re: I need to stop crying...

violann — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 10:28:12 GMT

Or maybe the tears are because you miss her so. I find that with the kinds and numbers of losses I’ve experienced during the past few years, the loss of the DO for whom I’m responsible is almost unmanageable.

I’ve encouraged myself to focus on the little flashes of who she still is whenever I visit, often every day or every other day.

If your friend is in a locked MC unit, it is really unlikely that she will associate your reactions with her situation, and even if she does, her perspective will likely be very quickly forgotten by her.

As I’m sure you already know, your friend’s own reactions may be fluctuating pretty broadly from visit to visit. Would it help you to focus on how she’s acting on any given day that you happen to be with her? You might say “Wow (friend’s name), you sure look bright eyed today! Are you going to the concert later?” etc.

The bottom line is, she’s probably happy to see you no matter whether you cry a little or or not. Focusing carefully on how you find her may help you sort of get around your own reactions.

BLESS YOU for going, even though the experience makes you sad. It’s typically the hardest thing I have to do, but I REFUSE to stop. I

Re: I need to stop crying...

ID2 — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 10:34:34 GMT

I cry easily too. But now that I'm older, I learned how to control my emotions. Its a learned thing. Stick to your guns and get your emotions under control when you need to. If I need to cry, I now know how to hold it to do it in private.

Re: I need to stop crying...

LillyBee2 — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 10:44:18 GMT

It's really hard to control emotions when it's so painful to watch someone slip away. I can only believe she appreciates your visits, crying and all. My mom suffers from dementia, she lives with me. We talk about it, and cry as she has moments of clarity. The thing is, she doesn't remember the conversations. I just think she knows I'm here and we are close. Your friend will feel that way to I'm sure. I think it's almost worse for the family and friends, it's such a horrible disease. Your a very kind friend and and she knows your sensitivity. It's ok to cry.

Re: I need to stop crying...

KingstonsMom — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 11:18:35 GMT

@Flatbush

Prior to your visit, maybe you could just sit and reflect about your friend's condition and how sad you know the visit will make you feel, that way you can have a good cry before your visit.

I can understand why you wish you didn't cry while you're with her, which could upset her.

You're a kind and thoughtful friend to think of her feelings before your own, by not wanting to cry when you're with her!

Re: I need to stop crying...

IMW — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 13:36:44 GMT

@Flatbush Is there any activity you can do together? Watch

tv, color , walk, play cards(pretend) take her outside to eat. Maybe that will change the tone of the visit. Did that with my father.

Re: I need to stop crying...

pigletsmom — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 14:12:59 GMT

Not sure what state she's in so it's hard to say. Before going I would get it into my head that I was going there and I'd be happy to see her and spend time with her. Think of a funny story you can tell her about something that happened during the week. Try to treat your visit just like you would if she was in the hospital for a knee replacement or something.

If she's in a condition where she's not even making sense I'd say just go with it. I knew someone that went through issues just during a hospital stay do to all sorts of stuff. To keep our sanity we just went a long with whatever nonsense was being said. It was sad a scary but it made it somewhat tolerable to just carry on wild conversations.

Re: I need to stop crying...

Havarti — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 14:24:45 GMT

I spend a lot of time with seniors in memory care units so I really relate to how you feel. I'll pass along a few things I have found that help me.

When I visit I find their happiness is often where their memory is strongest...in the past. Since you are friends for a long duration, you have shared many memories from years long ago. Use those memories as the focus of your visits. She will likely remember much of the experiences you share and will find comfort in being able to discuss them with you. Let her help you fill in the details of times long past. Ask her if she remembers when you did (fill in a memory) and if she does, tell her you just can't remember (fill in some detail...when it was, where it was, who was there, etc.) Let her feel she is helping you remember those good times you shared. She may fill in details incorrectly - or remember things differently than you, but let her be right. There is so much that leaves people with dementia feeling uncertain and so many people are always trying to correct their thinking - it only frustrates them more, and leaves you sad to see them frustrated. You can lift them up by letting them feel confidence in their memories - accurate or not, accuracy is not important in kindness. I often say to them - you remember so much more detail than I do so I just love talking with you about our adventures. Or, I just knew you would know and be able to fill in the blanks for me. Build her up and you will feel so good when you see her smile. You won't want to cry when you see her happy.

I also find they like to play easy thinking games. One I use that they all have enjoyed uses the alphabet as the basis, and then you just pick different categories on different visits. For example...let's see how many ladies (or men's) names we can come up with in alphabetical order - then take turns going around the room....You start...Ann, someone else might say Beth, next person may say Cindy, next may be Diane, etc. It exercises their mind, keeps them thinking, draws from long known words and when you praise them (oh, that's a good choice, I would never have thought of that name, or that was a tricky one and you knew right away, or, you can do it so quickly - I really have to think hard to come up with my answer, etc.) - then they feel good, are having fun and often smile or laugh. And every one is equal. You can make it more advanced another day by alternating between a male name and then a female name (Andrea, Bob, Caroline, Dan, etc.). You can also do alpha foods, clothes, cities, etc. I haven't met a senior yet that doesn't enjoy this game. It helps them use their brain (which doesn't happen much in memory units because everything is taken care of for them). It also often leaves every laughing because you are having fun. It is hard to cry when you are having fun. Singing old songs is another good way to get smiles & have fun and if someone can't sing on key (that's me) it brings laughter, too.

Your friend is a very lucky lady to have you as her friend. So many residents in memory units never, or rarely, have visitors. People tend to think they won't remember if I visit anyway. In the time someone is there, they bring joy to the heart of their loved one - even if it may not be remembered once they are gone it is still etched in their hearts. You just never know what they remember, or when they might remember...but it is there. She is also giving you memories you will treasure for years, even if it seems now like you won't want to remember her like this. This time in your lives is a very valuable part of your entire friendship. Bless you for keeping your friendship alive & well during the hard times...that is a true friend.

Sorry this was so long. Hope it helps.

Re: I need to stop crying...

Group 5 minus 1 — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 14:18:33 GMT

This is an interesting thread. I used to cry a lot,but I hardly ever cry now. I cried when our Reilly died. I sometimes wish I could cry more.

My Daddy had dementia. That is a hard thing to deal with. I will never understand the awfulness of that illness.

Pinching yourself-don't get it? Can you explain more?

Re: I need to stop crying...

Trinity11 — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 15:42:58 GMT

@Flatbush, you sound like a very sensitive human being that is just overwhelmed seeing your good friend losing a vital part of who she is. I am pretty sure that having some tears in your eyes will not affect your visit. Don't be too hard on yourself.

As someone who has great difficulty allowing my emotions to be seen, I think crying isn't such a bad thing.

Re: I need to stop crying...

SeaMaiden — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 16:00:38 GMT

@Flatbush So does this friend with advanced dementia know that you are there;.... or is she pretty much out of it? At this point there really is no reason to go and upset yourself if the person does not know who you are or it you are even in the room. Seems mean, but, you have realize that you do not need to put yourself out there for being so upset you are crying. That is not good for YOUR HEALTH.

Instead.... go to a beautiful place that you love and think about her as she was and send love to her. Just a nice walk will do... or sitting in your garden.

Re: I need to stop crying...

GCR18 — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 16:13:35 GMT

My sister is in a memory care facility. She's in her 50's and has a 17 and 20 year old. It's been a little over 2 years now. The 20 year old had a tough time with visits. He went once and hasn't been back since.

What makes you cry when you visit? Being at the facility? The other residents? The changes in your friend? At my sister's facilith, there is an option to meet her in a neutral area where you don't see other residents. Can you go more often, so you get used to the situation?

Re: I need to stop crying...

manny2 — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 16:31:36 GMT

@GCR18 wrote:
My sister is in a memory care facility. She's in her 50's and has a 17 and 20 year old. It's been a little over 2 years now. The 20 year old had a tough time with visits. He went once and hasn't been back since.

What makes you cry when you visit? Being at the facility? The other residents? The changes in your friend? At my sister's facilith, there is an option to meet her in a neutral area where you don't see other residents. Can you go more often, so you get used to the situation?

@GCR18 My heart goes out to you and your sister's children. Once you are admitted into the memory care/lock down unit the dementia is most likely advanced. She is so young, and the children are so young to have to deal with this. You lose your loved one twice with this disease. My prayers are with you and your family.

Re: I need to stop crying...

vsm — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 16:46:15 GMT

How kind and helpful of you, @Havarti , to take the time to give us the benefit of your experience. You have no need to apologize for the length of your post -- everything you said in it has great value.

Re: I need to stop crying...

Mindy D — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 16:49:45 GMT

Wear dark glasses

Re: I need to stop crying...

chickenbutt — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 17:01:49 GMT

I saw something on tv a while back where the person (sorry, I forgot who) said that if you press your tongue up onto the roof of your mouth it can stop you from crying.

I wish the best for you and your friend.

As for just crying - I absoluetly hate crying (something leftover from my horrible childhood), just in general, so I look for ways to stifle it when I can.

Re: I need to stop crying...

Havarti — Sun, 22 Sep 2019 17:26:38 GMT

I did want to add that I have learned that the dementia patient's memory is not usually gone, those memories are still there. It is the pathway to those memories that has been damaged or destroyed.

It is as if you lived in a small town and need to get to the church, or the library, or the city hall...but there is only one road to get there and it is closed. It is very much like a major rockslide or earthquake has permanently closed the only road to the destination you need to reach/access. The destination (memory) is still where it always was and awaits your arrival, but you will never be able to get to it the same way you have in the past. They are starting to find that new pathways can sometimes be built to get to those destinations/memories, but it takes time, much patience, lots of brain games & brain activities, plus loads of encouragement. The person will likely never be totally the same (too big of a job for the time left), but it is comforting to know those treasured memories are never gone/erased, they remain within us for our lifetime - and it may be possible to rekindle some of them with work. I find the body is a fascinating thing.