topic Re: Memory Issues in Wellness

Memory Issues

Susan in California — Sun, 22 Jul 2018 21:21:32 GMT

I had lunch two days ago with a dear friend. I have known her for almost 40 years. She had a long career as an elementary-school principal. She is divorced with four grown sons. Our sons were friends when they were children.

Over the past few years, I have noticed she doesn't remember shared experiences we have had.

At first, I took it personally, and felt these events might have just meant more to me than to her.

Then at this most-recent lunch, her memory seemed really poor.

She didn't even remember my older son's wedding party which was a fairly large affair which she attended with one of her sons and his wife. (FYI--her sister actually officiated at this wedding.It was only family in attendance at the wedding itself, but this friend suggested her sister officiate.)

She couldn't remember the names of people we both knew, and acted surprised when I spoke of another friend's sister.

("I didn't know her sister"., when in fact she did.) There are many more examples like this....

It was so nice to see her, we have so much history together. But it also felt odd. At times she is very lucid, and then she seems very befuddled.

I do know her mother had Alzheimer's disease. I just hope this isn't the case with my friend.

It is just sad, and I can't stop thinking about her.

Re: Memory Issues

Snowpuppy — Sun, 22 Jul 2018 21:31:37 GMT

If something is a memorable event for you it may not have been for others. Especially 30-40 years ago.

Some folks have a clear memory of their kindergarten teacher or the names of all their HS classmates. For me, neither was important enough to etch in my mind.

Some of us truly leave the past behind without suffering from memory loss.

Re: Memory Issues

Imaoldhippie — Sun, 22 Jul 2018 21:36:10 GMT

My opinion is you should tell her your concern and suggest she see her doctor.

Re: Memory Issues

hckynut — Sun, 22 Jul 2018 22:10:07 GMT

@Susan in California

I have a good friend that I grew up with in Public Housing Projects back in the 1940's-50's. He is 82, which is 3 years older than myself. Have been connected back with him since the late 1960's, when we met during a Health Spa visit.

He then joined the Adult Hockey League that I started in 1963 and ran for 52 years. There I saw him several times a week during our hockey season, and we stayed in touch regularly during the hockey off season. He played until he was 77.

At no point did he remember even close to the things that I do when growing up in those Projects. I remember neighbors/which apartment they lived in, and on and on. He remembers very little of much of those years. When I re-met him, he would have been in his early 30's, and his memory then is no different now than it was back those many decades ago.

Why do I remember and he does not? Beats me, but it is what it is, and that is where I left and leave it. I still see him at least 1 time every week, because at 82, he is still in excellent physical condition, and I see him skating at the ice rink. He is always the only skater there older than me.

I don't know what to say about your 40 year friend but this. If you know her family talk with them and tell them what you have said here. If they are close to her, I would think they would be aware of this memory issue, enough so they would talk with her about it. Other than that?

hckynut(john)

Re: Memory Issues

Lilysmom — Sun, 22 Jul 2018 22:12:37 GMT

@Susan in California, that’s a tough one. My older sister died at the age of 59 from early onset Alzheimer’s. My family doctor told me that immediate family is 50% more likely to get Alzheimer’s if this is the case. If you feel comfortable, talk to her. If not, perhaps you could have a word with one of her sons. Best to you. LM

Re: Memory Issues

NickNack — Sun, 22 Jul 2018 22:23:02 GMT

I'm sorry this is happening to your friend. Yes, it is sad. If she truly has memory issues I'm sure she realizes it and is frustrated by it. My father's memory keeps getting worse and worse, and he realized it from the beginning. I would not mention it to her or her family.

I know you weren't really asking for advice, but since other people were suggesting you talk with her or her family I just wanted to put my two cents in for the other side.

Re: Memory Issues

jlkz — Sun, 22 Jul 2018 23:52:30 GMT

@Susan in California

If your friend drove to your lunch meeting, I would waste no time in talking to her sons ( plural )....not everyone really listens and gets involved. My concern ( having dealt with each of my parents as they went through different dementia paths ) is for the safety of those around her as she drives as well as for herself.

My mom actually got out of her car on the road and left it there...she forgot how to drive to my sister, her hairdressing appointment. Thank goodness no one hit her and that she was close to her house. Keys were handed over, no questions asked.

Good Luck....it is a very tricky situation. You want to be able to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

One additional thought ( may not be applicable here though ): a close friend almost died from meningitis a few years ago. The only after effect: her long term memory is compromised. She worked for me over 40 years ago and doesn’t remember a lot of the stuff that happened. She loves it when I repeat the stories, thinking she is hearing it for the first time.

Re: Memory Issues

phoenixbrd — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 10:17:09 GMT

@hckynut I enjoyed reading your post and have respect for you still visiting with your friend from the projects that doesn't remember past events. Some people work on not being effected by past events. There are tools and strategies to be at peace and accept all that has occurred. So in some aspects, it might be a blessing to not remember. This might be more of a tragedy for those that witness this occurrence that for those that are experiencing it.

You are a true friend to your life long buddy....that speaks volumes about who you are.

Re: Memory Issues

RedTop — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 02:22:48 GMT

I am a very focused, and detailed person, and have strong memories starting at the age of 3. I easily remember lots of family related things as well as school memories. In a recent conversation with my mom, I described the dresses and shoes I wore to my paternal grandparents funerals in 1969 and 1971. I could walk into my old high school right now and go straight to every locker I had from grade 7-12. My brain doesn’t let go of memories, or numbers easily.

My mother has been diagnosed with early stage dementia, and is experiencing the same things you have written about your friend. I think my mom is much farther along in the dementia process, and already she’s not the mom I grew up with, she’s the shrinking little woman who lives in my parents house. Sometimes I am absolutely dumbfounded at what she no longer remembers, like her own health issues.

I see memory changes in a friend who just retired; actually I suspect she retired because she could see a change in her memory skills. I would certainly mention your concerns to one of the sons.

Re: Memory Issues

cherry — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 10:13:44 GMT

@Susan in California I went through something similar with a friend. I noticed she seemed aloof, not at all like the person I once knew. I just felt she had moved on, until a mutual friend called me, and remarked she wasn't the same at all any longer

Alzheimer's diseases ran in her family. We are both sure she had it. Her daughter brought her mother to my beauty shop, and asked how she should care for her mothers hair. SHe wanted to know about cuts and perms...my hairdresser felt the same as my friend and I did

It was just so sad for all of us. She has passed now, but we lost her long before that happened...about all you can do is pray, if you are so inclined, and wish her well

Re: Memory Issues

Nataliesgramma — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 10:39:12 GMT

My hubby's sister is in the early stages....She can remember what happened last year but not yesterday or an hour ago......

Re: Memory Issues

BirkiLady — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 15:44:34 GMT

@Susan in California For her own protection and safety, please speak with her sons immediately. Driving is out of the question. She also may no longer be safe cooking, running appliances (which may overheat), bathing alone (falling or burns), correct medications, and so many other concerns. Tell them exactly what you have noticed. She needs to have an evaluation done for dementia. Her family needs to make important decisions about living facilities, legal health documents (DNR ?), Will updated, finances in order and so much more. Hopefully, they won't feel "Mom is just getting forgetful." That is not forgetful. She's in trouble and need help. Blessings for asking this question. You are an amazing woman to care and share. Thanks for helping her get the help she desperately needs. (I'm sure she is frustrated, but doesn't know where to turn or who to confide in and has her pride.)

Re: Memory Issues

Trinity11 — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 15:59:56 GMT

@Susan in California wrote:
I had lunch two days ago with a dear friend. I have known her for almost 40 years. She had a long career as an elementary-school principal. She is divorced with four grown sons. Our sons were friends when they were children.
Over the past few years, I have noticed she doesn't remember shared experiences we have had.
At first, I took it personally, and felt these events might have just meant more to me than to her.
Then at this most-recent lunch, her memory seemed really poor.

She didn't even remember my older son's wedding party which was a fairly large affair which she attended with one of her sons and his wife. (FYI--her sister actually officiated at this wedding.It was only family in attendance at the wedding itself, but this friend suggested her sister officiate.)

She couldn't remember the names of people we both knew, and acted surprised when I spoke of another friend's sister.
("I didn't know her sister"., when in fact she did.) There are many more examples like this....
It was so nice to see her, we have so much history together. But it also felt odd. At times she is very lucid, and then she seems very befuddled.

I do know her mother had Alzheimer's disease. I just hope this isn't the case with my friend.
It is just sad, and I can't stop thinking about her.

Before jumping to any conclusions, she very well may be taking medication that is affecting her. I know statins can really change a person, so I would proceed with caution.

If you do say something it probably should be to her directly. Going behind her back and telling her sons could possibly end a long time friendship and be thought of as meddling.

Let me reiterate...Proceed with caution....

Re: Memory Issues

Alison Wonderland — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 16:21:20 GMT

@Imaoldhippie wrote:
My opinion is you should tell her your concern and suggest she see her doctor.

I agree and I would contact her family, if possible. (Especially since she may not remember your discussion and take action.)

And a reminder, no matter what runs in her family, Alzheimer's is a form of dementia, but it's not the only one.

https://www.aarp.org/health/dementia/info-2018/difference-between-dementia-alzheimers.html

Re: Memory Issues

violann — Tue, 24 Jul 2018 09:26:46 GMT

There are many kinds of “memory”, some related to social functioning, some to life skills, etc.

In our family, we have recently become aware of the devastating effects of persistent stress on memory loss.

Memory itself is a complex and confounding subject, for both victims and for those who love them.

What to do next? Really a very tough call. If you know the family dynamic among the 4 sons VERY comfortably, you might ask the one you know best about her welfare, but there’s also an element of risk concerning violating your friend’s privacy.

How often do you see her? Could you visit with her a little more often? Maybe find out a little more about what might be going on in her life? Doing so might help you figure out what to do next.

She’s lucky you’re there for her.

Re: Memory Issues

software — Sat, 04 Aug 2018 20:56:13 GMT

I'm your friend.

And I agree with John

I can barely remember where I lived growing up.

I just can't recall so much of my past but I've always been that way, this is nothing knew.

I rely on a friend I grew up with to fill in the details.

For example, she remembers chapter & verse our prom and all the activities surrounding it. All I remember is my date & meeting his family.

When I was young, I could memorize complicated classical piano pieces. Play them all from memory. But who sat at my table at prom, have no clue. I see class pictures and I may be able to pick out a very few classmates. I can't remember most of my teachers' names. I hated school, maybe that has something to do with it plus I didn't have the greatest childhood.

Unless she remembered at one time and now can't recall, I wouldn't worry

Re: Memory Issues

Susan in California — Sat, 04 Aug 2018 23:54:40 GMT

Thank you to all who have responded. So many wise people on these forums.

There is a lot more I could say about this friend and the memory issues. I'll try to be brief:

All of her sons live close to her. She is good friends with her ex-husband and his wife, and he accompanies her to all her doctor

appts. I am not close to them, but I knew him when they were married.

Her sister lives in San Francisco and visits her often--a close drive.

My guess is they have all talked about this--the sons to each other and maybe her sister with her daughter. This is a family that is close, and they all circle the wagons when issues happen.

I've always admired that about them.

During our lunch, she was confused about a lot of her personal information. She couldn't remember if her brother was married or not (he lives in Sacramento and they see each other several times a year). She couldn't remember so much. But then she would be lucid about other things.

There were some really strange forgotten events too: A horrible fire on her street when a son's birthday party was about to start. People had to evacuate, the road was closed and it was a terrible event. Their house was spared, and it was all over the news. They lived in a semi- rural area, and kids playing with fire works had started the fire, and it happened really fast. No memory of that. (I brought this up casually when we were talking about fires in CA.)

I totally understand when responders here felt maybe what was important to me was just not important to her (or that she had

"moved on").

At this point, I don't want to talk to anyone in the family. I would feel like a meddling friend. I might feel differently if she were more alone, but there are many in her family.

I agree, it could be just how she is, and there is nothing going on other than that. I also agree, that some events/experiences are just not important to some people.

Thanks to everyone for responding. (Sorry...not brief at all!)

Re: Memory Issues

LTT1 — Sun, 05 Aug 2018 15:34:24 GMT

@Susan in California

I am going to say that with someone you know, you just know.

I would need to say something to her family if she was my friend. In fact, you might start with how your opinion is that you have noticed “personality changes.” You could even word it that you are concerned because your friendship just seems “different.” And have any of them noticed anything different?

I wish the retirement complex my mother lived in had been more forth-coming with me. Then I would have believed what I was seeing. HTH