topic Re: funeral arrangements in Wellness

funeral arrangements

dotdddd — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 02:57:36 GMT

my 93yo adv. alz. mother lives w/me,She has 5 older children, most living within walking distance, don't even visit,some for years. I pre arranged her funeral,not the most expensive nor the least,$9800. for hour viewing then cemetery. my problem is. I'm not sure who will show up for the service,she's the last of her family,no friends, and I've been told some of my sibs. may not. I can have a graveside service for$3500. less,BUT I feel really guilty about it. Any suggestions??

Re: funeral arrangements

Sooner — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 03:02:27 GMT

ABSOLUtELY do not feel guilty! We had a graveside for my grandmother for the reasons you note and it was lovely and appropriate. I've been thinking about the same thing myself. My mom is the last of her family and her generation of friends. I don't see a point in doing otherwise. Also, I don't want to deal with other people anyway, so even that may be not announced.

I have come to the conclusion that a funeral is mostly a get together for the living and I don't think you are necessarily obligated to provide that. A short memorial service is all that is really necessary and more can sometimes be uncomfortable for many.

Re: funeral arrangements

Snicks1 — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 03:08:59 GMT

Graveside services are entirely appropriate, it seems to me. I have been to several of these services in the past few years and they were lovely.

Re: funeral arrangements

terrier3 — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 03:09:28 GMT

I would also go with the graveside service.

We did that for my aunt. She died unexpectedly in her sleep at age 76. but she had pre-planned everything.

She had told me she wanted to be buried in a nightgown and robe she had bought for the occasion. She had them stored in a place where I could find them, with the tags still on them. She didn't want notice in the paper either and no Mass. So we did as she wanted, her BIL lead prayers and it was just those closest to her.

That's what I want too...quiet and private.

You are honoring your mother by caring for her while she is alive and needs you. That is way more important than any ceremony after she is gone.

Re: funeral arrangements

tulips — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 03:41:06 GMT

I am so proud of you for taking your responsibility as a daughter seriously. Your mom is very fortunate to have you by her side. This is something you'll never regret as I speak from a similar experience.

Under the circumstances, I would plan a graveside service. I did that for my Dad & my sister never even came. Someone read a poem that he loved & the minister read the scriptures that I know he treasured. The only thing missing was a hymn or 2 that I wished I would have arranged to have played.

Again, I give you so much credit & hope that can take time for yourself.

Re: funeral arrangements

hsawaknow — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 03:42:35 GMT

A graveside service- we had that with my Dad and it was very nice and appropriate being he served in the Korean war and they did the 21 gun salute. He is buried in Golden Gate Cemetery in S. San Francisco next to my Mom and it is a military cemetery.

Re: funeral arrangements

GCR18 — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 03:44:21 GMT

A cemetery service is nice. When my father passed, that's what my mother chose.

Re: funeral arrangements

ilovedaisies — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 03:44:35 GMT

I would plan a graveside service and not worry about it at all. A prayer can be said, a song can be sung, a eulogy can be said and then you could host a small gathering back at home. It will be a nice service. Most who live to her age, unless they are close to their grandchildren and great-grands, will not draw much of a crowd. Don't put yourself through a long service.

Re: funeral arrangements

jackthebear — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 03:45:28 GMT

I just did the same for my Mother. We had pre-planned the funeral before (which was the best thing we did) The graveside service can be just as meaningful as any other. Given that you are planning now you can decide the content of the service.

Please do not have any guilt over spending less. I know I wouldn't want my children to feel that way.

Re: funeral arrangements

Big Sister — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 11:25:06 GMT

Funny you should bring this up today. Just the other day I made some pre-arrangements for myself.

I would go with the graveside service and don't feel guilty. It is appropriate.

Good luck.

Re: funeral arrangements

JeanLouiseFinch — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 13:16:27 GMT

I think a graveside service is entirely appropriate in your situation. And, by all means, please do not feel guilty. This task has been entrusted to you, either by design or default, because you are the one who can make the best decision. Please don't convince yourself that the amount of money spent is somehow a measure of your love for your mom. The one has nothing to do with the other.

Re: funeral arrangements

luvdoodles — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 13:48:58 GMT

I think you should be proud of doing this and a grave side service will be fine. Shame on the rest of the family for not inquiring or participating in advance for the services. You will be rewarded in the end. My father died at 69 from Alzheimers. Horrible disease. Actually it was 15 years ago on Feb 1. God bless you for caring.

Re: funeral arrangements

jackthebear — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 14:20:32 GMT

On 2/3/2014 JeanLouiseFinch said:
I think a graveside service is entirely appropriate in your situation. And, by all means, please do not feel guilty. This task has been entrusted to you, either by design or default, because you are the one who can make the best decision. Please don't convince yourself that the amount of money spent is somehow a measure of your love for your mom. The one has nothing to do with the other.

I guess that is the closest to a love/hugs button

Re: funeral arrangements

Jersey Born — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 15:04:05 GMT

Dotddd, you are doing the right thing, if you follow your heart. When our parents live to such an incredible old age (93!) it is unreasonable to expect that their friends are still alive or in any kind of condition to attend a funeral. A small, yet meaningful, graveside funeral is completely appropriate in your case. It is very sad to me that some of your siblings don't care enough to even attend their own mother's funeral, but that is something they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. You need to do what is best for you, as you are the person in the family with the biggest and most generous heart as your mother's caregiver.

One thing you may wish to consider: When your mother does pass on, bring some makeup for the funerary makeup artist to use on her - lipstick, foundation, and perhaps even a neutral eyeshadow. It is a one time use type of thing, so it doesn't have to be new makeup, but some spare stuff in a bottle or tube, which will be thrown away afterward. I say this only because if you want to take a final look at your mother, she will appear beautiful as she is laid to rest, and it will be the final thing that you can do for her. For reasons I don't understand funerary makeup artists use this horrid orangey toned pancake makeup that looks awful on a person.

All the best to you and to your mom.

Re: funeral arrangements

Classylady — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 15:13:08 GMT

Do what you think best. A graveside service is appropriate. I'm sure many of her friends have passed on so the group may be small but the feelings in the heart is what counts.

GOD bless you for your loving care of your mother.

Re: funeral arrangements

sashamatthews — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 15:15:16 GMT

There is no reason why you should have to spend that much money on such a ceremony. When my mother died, she was cremated and we held a memorial service a month later. The total cost was about $2,000. A graveside service for your loved one will not mean any less, just because it is less costly: you loved her and that's the important part.

Re: funeral arrangements

violann — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 15:15:17 GMT

Bless her soul, she will not CARE who shows up. We had NO visiting, the internment, then a luncheon at a local restaurant. That was in February, and she was buried on her birthday. In May, when flowers were bloomong and birds singing, we had a church service honoring her life and her passing. We had NO open casket. If you are wasting one ounce of guilt on anything you are doing, that is exactly one ounce too much. Have the graveside service and forget all the rest. Think of something beautiful to memorialize her life, like books for the local children's library or grade school. They will put plates in the books honoring her name. All funeral services, no matter how kind they may be, are in a money making business. Don't give them $3500 of your mother's money for an hour of nonsense that will mean nothing at all to her.

Re: funeral arrangements

stevieb — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 15:20:53 GMT

I think we do the best we can with what we have. If a graveside service seems appropriate to you then go with it. The one concern I'd have about it is one never knows what the weather will be and if the graveside service is the only service it could potentially be miserable, depending on weather. I recall two recent funerals I attended. After a too lengthy service my aunt's graveside service was lovely and it was a beautiful spring day. On the other hand, after another too lengthy service, my uncle's graveside service was on a very cold, blustery winter day and not at all pleasant. Personally, I too would consider skipping the viewing.

Re: funeral arrangements

Ranchergal — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 15:58:46 GMT

On 2/2/2014 Sooner said:
ABSOLUtELY do not feel guilty! We had a graveside for my grandmother for the reasons you note and it was lovely and appropriate. I've been thinking about the same thing myself. My mom is the last of her family and her generation of friends. I don't see a point in doing otherwise. Also, I don't want to deal with other people anyway, so even that may be not announced.

I have come to the conclusion that a funeral is mostly a get together for the living and I don't think you are necessarily obligated to provide that. A short memorial service is all that is really necessary and more can sometimes be uncomfortable for many.

ITA! We did the same for my grandmother. My DM did not have a wake or a service at her request. We felt no guilt.

Re: funeral arrangements

PINKdogWOOD — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 16:17:12 GMT

My sister and I had pre-arranged funeral expenses for both Dad and Mom only because we had to do the spend down thing of their finances due to both being on Medicaid. We were so glad we had to do this. Mom was still alive when we did this planning for Dad so she was able to have her say too.

Funeral planning, casket buying, all the preps, graveside after the service is or can be so stressful and IMO is WAY over the top expensive. However, for myself and my hubby we're going for the simple cremation process, no service, nothing. And certainly I am way okay with this. The cost to bury someone is HUGE business -- cost a good $10K for EACH of my parents. I will admit Dad's service was much nicer than my Mother's. My Dad did a lot for their church and for his community and everybody loved him. I'll say not so much for my Mother, and just leave it at that.