topic Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues in Wellness

Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

Laura14 — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 14:51:38 GMT

Some of you may have seen some other posts about my mother who is recovering from a hysterectomy. This is the first major illness of a family member and it's totally ripping the family apart.

Long story short, she did fantastically well for a few days but now she is kind of finally feeling it all and becoming depressed. She's been staying at the house along with her husband until yesterday when her husband had enough and went back to their home in FL for a few days.

I rent the house but have basically been living in my bedroom just to avoid being in their space which they've made clear they don't want me in. It's a very small house so there's just no way to avoid each other without shutting away like that.

My baby sister reached out to me and my other sister this morning over text and said we now need to step it up because the husband left and she has "a full plate". Neither she nor my other sister work like I do although they do run their kids around for different activities.

To make another long story short, my other sister offered that she too has been rebuffed with every overture she's tried to make on her end and believes like I do that our mother is angry with us for some reason and wants nothing to do with us. She only wants to spend time with the baby sister.

Baby sister said it needs to be all about mom right now in spite of everything in our lives and that set the other sister off who's already had issues with our mother about things that were said to her over the holidays and I now have those two screaming texts at one another.

Help.

I have not responded to any of the texts and I had no idea the husband ran out yesterday. Supposedly he'll be back on Friday. Any advice for what to do with surviving this nonsense for however long it is going to go on? I've not been through this before and frankly thought my sisters would behave better when this time came.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

QVCkitty1 — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 15:05:34 GMT

I have no advice, being an only child. Sometimes when .I was handling everything myself I wished there was someone else to help, but I see now that is not always the case. You have my sympathy

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

Kitlynn — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 15:07:27 GMT

It sounds like there might be more underlying things than just the hysterectomy. I had one when I was thirty two and it wasn't fun but it also wasn't anything that caused a problem for anyone else in my family. I would suggest all of you try to sit down and talk to your mother and find out what is really going on. If that is not possible then just don't give in to the drama. Not easy to do I know since you live there but just because someone has a problem it doesn't give them license to be ugly to others. People can only treat you ugly if you allow them to.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

Vivian — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 15:12:54 GMT

You need help! If family cannot come forward, perhaps they can contribute some money to hire help. This isn’t a permanent situation but it appears to be creating a family dynamic that could be far more long lasting. Call a social worker at the hospital call the surgeon’s office...any place where people may know of agencies to contact where you can find temporary assistance. Good luck!

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

shopperqvc — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 15:18:34 GMT

A hysterectomy means hormone changes and pain, those 2 can make a usually "nice" person difficult. Perhaps the doctor can prescribe something to ease the reactions a bit. Try to explain to her doctor what she is doing and he/she may be able to help. If the doctor doesn't seem to have time, speak to the nurse. Before this becomes a split that lasts in the family, get help.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

qbetzforreal — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 15:20:26 GMT

@Laura14- Wow. What does your baby sister want you to do? The better question is what is she willing to do to "make it all about Mom?" Can your mother finish her recovery at your baby sister's home or can she go home and be with her husband?

I won't entering the bickering between your sisters, someone will probably ask you to take a side.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

sann — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 15:21:23 GMT

Contact her physican to let him or her know what is going on.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

scatcat — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 15:25:25 GMT

I’d call the husband and tell him his vacation is over

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

Sweet_Serenity — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 15:29:32 GMT

I had a hysterectomy at 43 didn't experience what your sharing. In my case recovery went smoothly. In fact felt reborn, mentally and physically. The fact her husband seems to be frustrated says a lot. Regardless self care important as someone previously said. Would advise having her speak with Doctor. Surgery effects everyone differently. Take care of yourself. Praying for all involved. 🌹

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

YorkieonmyPillow — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 15:38:44 GMT

I'd do whatever I needed to do for Mom, whatever is reasonable, and I would NOT get involved or be drawn into any of this other static.

Just REFUSE to get involved.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

Carmie — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 15:38:45 GMT

My 2 cents worth based on experience with other people in the past who have had this surgery.

Mom feels that she is sick and not getting enough attention from her loved ones. Instead of just saying how she feels and what she wants, she is angry because her expectations are not being met.

She was so mean to her DH because he is not a mind reader and he didn’t act or do what she expected him to do.so she’s lashed out at him. He had enough and left to avoid a big blow out argument.

Mom is still angry and everyone is on her sh*t list. Also, no matter what the age of the female, a hysterectomy messes with the hormones...kinda like PMS on steroids.

Mom wants pampered and treated like a Queen right now and it’s not happening.

You and your sisters have to figure out how to make her happy or talk with her to work this out. She will probably get over it when she feels better and her hormones settle down. Right now she is highly emotional and depressed.

If she doesn’t come around in time, she may need hormone replacements. She should talk to her doctor about what is safe for her.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

chrystaltree — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 15:47:05 GMT

I don't have any advice because I'm sure there's much more that you didn't share and it appears that there family family issues before your mother's surgery. I also don't know how sick or disabled your mother is. Does she have cancer, is that why she had the hysterectomy? Does she have other health issues that are affecting her? She has a husband so I wonder why she had to go to your house to recover. It would have been better if you went to stay with her for a few days after her surgey. I can see why her husband went back home, there was no reason for him to stay in your house since you were there and the situation sounds like it was cramped and uncomfortable. I think all you can do now is be grown up and take your own house back and remind you mother that she's a guest....until she recovers enough to go home. It's not brain surgery or a heart transplant. I assume she had her surgery in your area so I would think she would go home right after her first post-op visit with the surgeon and that's generally 2 weeks after the surgery. I don't think your sisters are behaving badly. You mother made it clear she doesn't want anything from one sister and the other one apparently likes being "the baby" but she isn't going to take your mother into her home. So, it is all about your mother. It's about you setting clear limits on how long she can be a houseguest in your home.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

beckyb1012 — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 15:47:17 GMT

I had one at 32 and it was the best thing to ever happen, no more pain from illness and no more worries each month. I got frustrated having to take it easy for awhile and getting my strength back. One night I cried on my husband's shoulder that I was ready to just have a normal day. It had been about a week from the surgery but when you stop being able to do all your normal activities it is hard. Soon passed and all was well.

Mine was less hormonal but more stuck in the house and loss of daily living.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

NycVixen — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 16:02:01 GMT

Honestly, I would block her phone from whomever she's arguing with even if they have a point. The holidays were over months ago and your mom needs to be calm and recupertate.

I have a very difficult mother and sibling and there is always family drama. The best thing I've ever done is disconnect. I would take the phone away until she's better or block those phone numbers so she doesn't receive distressing calls and texts.

This is a big change for your mom. This procedure is not a happy time and will make your mother feel older among other things.

I don't see an issue with the husband leaving if it diffuses the situation between them. That's better IMO than arguing with your mom. It's their marriage and I wouldn't get involved. Just take care of you rmom the best way you can.

My mom has always rebuffed me for no reason. I realized a little too late that she harbors resentment and jealousy for my being younger, married, successful etc. There is nothing that I can do about that.

When there is so much baggage in a family there is nothing you can do to erase the past. Do what you can and don't stress it. If she's like my mother, she couldn't care less what you're going through or what you are feeling so don't take it personal. Detach as much as possible and just look at it as a job with as little feeling as possible. Think about how you're going to survive this while helping your mom without losing yourself.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

kitcat51 — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 16:00:46 GMT

If your mom only wants to spend time with your baby sister then let her, simlpy back away & behind the scene ask your baby sister what you can do through her to help your mom. Don't take things personally, let your mom get back on her feet before trying to work out whatever is going on...been there, done that & it's never easy. Best wishes.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

Laura14 — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 16:05:36 GMT

@qbetzforrealwrote:
@Laura14- Wow. What does your baby sister want you to do? The better question is what is she willing to do to "make it all about Mom?" Can your mother finish her recovery at your baby sister's home or can she go home and be with her husband?

I won't entering the bickering between your sisters, someone will probably ask you to take a side.

She won't go to her house because she is more comfortable in the master bedroom at my home.

Frankly I am a little shocked that my sister is so put out by all of this and my other sister told her just that.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

Laura14 — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 16:14:26 GMT

@YorkieonmyPillowwrote:
I'd do whatever I needed to do for Mom, whatever is reasonable, and I would NOT get involved or be drawn into any of this other static.

Just REFUSE to get involved.

Unfortunately I already made that mistake and you were right. I just didn't want my other sister to think she was alone. I thought it would bring some clarity letting baby sister know mom is part of the problem and feeling sorry for herself was a choice on her part and not on ours. Didn't work.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

Laura14 — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 16:16:13 GMT

@Carmiewrote:
My 2 cents worth based on experience with other people in the past who have had this surgery.

Mom feels that she is sick and not getting enough attention from her loved ones. Instead of just saying how she feels and what she wants, she is angry because her expectations are not being met.

She was so mean to her DH because he is not a mind reader and he didn’t act or do what she expected him to do.so she’s lashed out at him. He had enough and left to avoid a big blow out argument.

Mom is still angry and everyone is on her sh*t list. Also, no matter what the age of the female, a hysterectomy messes with the hormones...kinda like PMS on steroids.

Mom wants pampered and treated like a Queen right now and it’s not happening.

You and your sisters have to figure out how to make her happy or talk with her to work this out. She will probably get over it when she feels better and her hormones settle down. Right now she is highly emotional and depressed.

If she doesn’t come around in time, she may need hormone replacements. She should talk to her doctor about what is safe for her.

@Carmie You're two cents are golden. That's exactly what I believe and I don't cater to people's drama even when they've had major surgery. Baby sister is upset because I won't do it and neither will the other sister because she is just too hurt from other things.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

gmkb — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 16:18:54 GMT

@Laura14 Your mother will probably need about 6 weeks of recovery time before she can travel back home to Fl. Being in pain, hormonal changes, perhaps the pain meds and being away from home are probably playing on her mind. You are going to need great patience and compassion. She needs understanding and kindness right now.

I would avoid getting into any discussions with your sisters. They are not there dealing with this and would cause a rift between you. No reason for that to happen. Before long your mother will return home and things will return to normal. It would be sad to have strained relations with your sisters. Your mother will recover and return to her normal life.

Men like to fix things. Seems to me that if they can't fix it, they escape. Hopefully your father will return to fulfill his obligations. Stay strong; this too shall pass.

Re: Need advice on dealing with a bad patient/family issues

cherry — Wed, 21 Mar 2018 16:21:06 GMT

If this wasn't a routine surgery, she might be making a big deal out of something rather mundane. She isn't sick she is just recuperating, big difference

I had this surgery years ago ,and felt fine, and did very well. I had a family to care for ,and carried on doing what I was able to do, even cooking meals, and doing light household chores...