topic Re: My dilema...... in Wellness

My dilema......

lindalu — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 20:58:54 GMT

I need some helpful input into my situation to help me handle this problem....

My husband has property almost 500 mile away from our families and medical facilities, He is always insistent that we live there for 6 months of the year.May or June to Nov.This was all well and good for the last 10 years.

Now he has many medical problems that are progressing to he needs a lot of medical attention. Beside all of this he is having memory and decision problems.He gets terribly upset because he is not able to handle the mechanics(lawn mower,leaf blower or anything mechanical) and usually most of the anger is somehow directed in my direction.

Being 500 miles all by myself and having to handle all of this is almost driving me to distraction. He is very controlling and getting worse. He is 82 and I am 72 and my health is not that good either. He has NO consideration for me and my health at all and it is very upsetting for me to be worrying about this from now until May or June. I know a lot can happen by then and I may be worrying needlessly..

He has children but one has mental problems and is of no help. The other is a son almost a clone of him and sees nothing wrong. He has a sister and says I should put him in a home.... He listens to no one. Does whatever he wants.

Thanks for listening .

Re: My dilema......

lolakimono — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 21:03:16 GMT

Can you sell the other property?

Re: My dilema......

lindalu — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 21:10:14 GMT

OH God No . that is his kids inheritance and his wife is buried there.....

Re: My dilema......

TeezNu — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 21:17:56 GMT

I feel your pain, and am so sorry. For the last 5 years, I have been struggling with 90+ year old parents through advancing stages of physical and mental impairment. Saving grace has been the loss of mobility, as they are less able to endanger themselves and others. I would strongly suggest that you seek out advice and assistance from your local Adult Protective services office. This stage of life will require you to muster up a great deal of personal strength to make some tough decisions, but PLEASE do not allow this person to destroy your remaining years. Best of luck to you.

Re: My dilema......

151949 — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 21:27:44 GMT

You need to tell him you are absolutely NOT going away anywhere with him and stick to your guns. It does sound as though you need to be thinking seriously about placing him in an assisted living facility - wheather or not you go with him- because you are having difficulty dealing with him at home alone.

Re: My dilema......

LexPex — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 21:36:03 GMT

This sounds like a dangerous situation for both of you. I would tell him that you are not going....period. Perhaps his clone son would be willing to take a mini vacation with your DH and go away to this home for a week or two.

This also doesn't sound like a man you could force into assisted living etc. Unless you are physically glued to him, you need to take care of YOU so make plans to stay home if he decides he has to go

Re: My dilema......

RedTop — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 21:43:41 GMT

My opinion is that since your husbands progressive medical problems have seriously impacted his ability to function as well as he did in the past, it is time to let go of living in the second home for extended periods of time. I would explain his situation to his medical doctor, and push for an overall assessment that helps you fully understand the extent of his issues, and then make whatever decisions you need to from that medical documentation. Based on your words, it does not sound safe for you to be shouldering all the responsibility when you two are so far away at this second home. Very best wishes to you in this worrisome situation.

Re: My dilema......

jubilant — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 21:43:44 GMT

Your DH could also have dementia at his age which could easily escalate his controlling behavior. If he is having more and more memory problems and erratic behavior he should not, in my opinion, be making these kind of decisions. If he is getting this angry towards you.... you need to protect yourself both emotionally and physically from his bullying. That may mean having him evaluated and put in a home if necessary. In this situation, it seems to me, your emotional and physical well being should come first.

Re: My dilema......

Lacey1 — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 21:46:35 GMT

I would suggest that you contact a lawyer and his doctor to find out what options you have. If he is not able to make decisions, (or drive)-you may have to petition the courts based on doctor's recommendations.

Re: My dilema......

GCR18 — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 21:46:55 GMT

My mother went through something similar with my father during his last couple years. Every winter they'd head to their winter home and my mother grew to hate going. After he passed, first change we made was selling the property. I think you need outside support to help you work through this. The suggestion above is a good place to start.

Re: My dilema......

TootyJane — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 21:54:16 GMT

On 1/19/2014 lacey1 said:
I would suggest that you contact a lawyer and his doctor to find out what options you have. If he is not able to make decisions, (or drive)-you may have to petition the courts based on doctor's recommendations.

I agree with lacey1. Please speak to your husband's doctor and an attorney who specializes in elder law. You are not alone. This is a common issue and you need unbiased support and opinions to help both you and your husband. Best of luck to you!

Re: My dilema......

sidsmom — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 21:59:38 GMT

On 1/19/2014 LexPex said:
This sounds like a dangerous situation for both of you. I would tell him that you are not going....period. Perhaps his clone son would be willing to take a mini vacation with your DH and go away to this home for a week or two.

This also doesn't sound like a man you could force into assisted living etc. Unless you are physically glued to him, you need to take care of YOU so make plans to stay home if he decides he has to go

ITA. Living on the family farm, 10 miles out in the country & 50 miles to a hospital, Mom felt uncomfortable living there w/ Dad's failing health. He didn't listen to her when she wanted to move to an assisted living apt closer to healthcare...there was NO way he would move. One Sunday, Mom packed her bags & left to stay w/ my sister..swearing to him that she would never go back to the farm....it was her way to make him wake up about this. She eventually got an assisted living apt & he reluctantly left the farm & moved in. He was happy...and close to a hospital where he passed 2 yrs later. Moral to the story...stay true to yourself. If he wants to go, then have him go without you. In opposite, I totally understand your predicament. Stay STRONG & do what's right for you. He'll come around.

Re: My dilema......

lindalu — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 22:02:30 GMT

THANK YOU so VERY much for all of your input. One always thinks you are alone with these sorta situations...

Re: My dilema......

ennui1 — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 22:05:39 GMT

On 1/19/2014 lindalu said:
He gets terribly upset because he is not able to handle the mechanics(lawn mower,leaf blower or anything mechanical) and usually most of the anger is somehow directed in my direction.

Being 500 miles all by myself and having to handle all of this is almost driving me to distraction.

The upset and anger are understandable; none of us want to get older. Can you hire a person to be a gardener / caretaker type for the summer? He'd have help, and you wouldn't be alone if anything happens.

Re: My dilema......

57babe — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 22:07:39 GMT

Is he taking any medications?

He is at the age where medications can cause him to have drug induced health problems such as drug induced dementia, drug induced anger (statins) and overall cognitive decline due to the fact that as we age, are bodies do not metabolize medications as well leading to the build up of toxins in the body.

I would check with your/his doctor concerning the medications he is taking to determine if any of them are causing him to have the issues you have described. I know that statin drugs like Lipitor & Simvastatin can cause extreme anger and irritation as a side effect. Statin drugs can also cause muscle pain and memory loss.

Even the over-the-counter drug like Tylenol is said to cause depression if taken regularly.

Here's a list of drugs that may be inappropriate for older people:

http://www.americangeriatrics.org/files/documents/beers/PrintableBeersPocketCard.pdf

Also, there are some good videos on www.mmlearn.org concerning bad drugs and their toxic effect on the elderly population.

One of the videos by Dr. Raji called "BAD DRUGS" is a very informative video. Also there is a video called, "Help, My Mother is On Drugs!" These videos are in the "Ask the Geriatrician" series of videos on this website. Just click on one of the topics on the right, then click on "Ask the Geriatrician" and you'll find these videos.

The videos are free, do not worry about putting your email in (if required) they will never contact you. Awesome videos with so much helpful information about caring for elderly.

If you find he is taking one of the drugs on the Beer's List, talk to your/his doctor about modifying the dosage, changing it or discontinuing it if need be. Lots of older folks are having health problems directly associated with the amounts of drugs that are in their systems.

Hope this helps. Take good care.

Re: My dilema......

BellaPaprika — Mon, 20 Jan 2014 01:30:58 GMT

The person with dementia should not be running the home but often we fall into old patterns. If he was the final say when he was lucid, you are of a mind to let him be in charge now. Standing up for yourself will not be without a price. There may be shouting and tantrums but what can he do? I assume he doesn't drive so he can't go to the other home without you or can he? If so, then whoever takes him there will be responsible for him but at least it won't be you. Also have a frank discussion with his primary care doctor and see if he/she has any suggestions for how to handle his stubbornness.

My experience is that men start to feel a loss of control over their lives as they age and especially if they must rely on others to do for them and take them places. This often translates into anger and obstinacy. Women are generally better at handling life's vagaries.

Re: My dilema......

Big Sister — Mon, 20 Jan 2014 01:47:28 GMT

I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. My suggestion, first of all, is to have a

Power of Attorney for Assets, and one for Health, if you don't already have them. Get them now because if he has dementia, it will get worse and you need to be able to act if and when he is not able to.

Re: My dilema......

AuntG — Mon, 20 Jan 2014 03:26:55 GMT

This could end up being dangerous for both of you. What do you think he would say if you simply said you were not going along? Would he then try to go by himself? My only concern is that he could harm someone else if he is driving that distance on his own. I'd like to think he would only go about 20 miles before he realized he needed to return home to you.

Re: My dilema......

BellaPaprika — Mon, 20 Jan 2014 03:37:34 GMT

On 1/19/2014 AuntG said:
This could end up being dangerous for both of you. What do you think he would say if you simply said you were not going along? Would he then try to go by himself? My only concern is that he could harm someone else if he is driving that distance on his own. I'd like to think he would only go about 20 miles before he realized he needed to return home to you.

Given the OP's description of his mental state, I would hope that he has no access to the car keys!

Re: My dilema......

adelle38 — Mon, 20 Jan 2014 05:35:36 GMT

On 1/19/2014 lindalu said:
OH God No . that is his kids inheritance and his wife is buried there.....

Perhaps he could give the property to the kids now and they can manage it? His wife is buried there? I understand you mean his previous wife but you are still his wife. You need to start preparing him now so that he understands you won't be going this year. Have you talked to his children about this? Can they help? Take care of yourself.