topic Re: I Need Advice... in Wellness

I Need Advice...

NycVixen — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 20:00:06 GMT

My mom and I have always had a negative relationship. For the last several years, I've been trying to finally cut off the relationship because It's just toxic. However, as a normal child, I look for her advice and guidance when I need it only to be belittled and criticized at times in the most insensitive and hurtful manner.

I need some advice on how to finally stop needing to reach out to her. It always exacerbates my life but even though she's been horrible to me, I still love her.

Please for those that understand, kindly offer some advice so I can cut the cord. I know therapy is probably the best answer. I spoke to a social worker when I had my miscarriage and she said I was doing ok. This is just the last thing I need to do. I just need some tips on how to deal with it asap before I can do something more long term.

Thanks in advance. I'm 30 if that helps.

Re: I Need Advice...

Mistreatedbycs — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 20:08:35 GMT

So sorry, not every relationship is meant to be but Dr Laura

wrote a book Bad Childhood...Good Life.

I understand this book is so valuable it will help anyone to seeks help.

I also would look up her number and call the show in the afternoon's, I understand you can also send an e-mail, I think a professional is the way to go.

Re: I Need Advice...

lolakimono — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 20:12:32 GMT

@NycVixen

I thought you might like this-

Re: I Need Advice...

terriebear — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 20:13:42 GMT

Your mom sounds a lot like mine. For my 30th birthday, AND after a couple of years of therapy I wrote a 5 page letter WITH the help of my therapist to my mother. I set out the boundaries for our relationship. She would no longer criticize how I handled my finances, how my house was cleaned, how I Iooked, how I dressed my kids, my relationship with my husband etc. IF she wanted any kind of relationship with me. My mom came unglued and didn't speak to me for 2 years. I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. After 2 years, she finally apologized, and stopped. A social worker is not a therapist. She helped me work through years of verbal and mental abuse, and I realized it was not my fault, and I gained back some self respect. I went a total of 5 years. It was the best money I ever spent. I hope you will do the same to realize you are worth it.

Re: I Need Advice...

2blonde — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 20:22:34 GMT

I like Terriebear's suggestion. Write that letter and let her know how you feel. She can then make her own choice whether to change her behavior or break off the relationship. It sounds like you have already made your choice.

Re: I Need Advice...

alicedee — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 20:25:23 GMT

If you still feel compelled to keep reaching out to her....even though your past experience tells you it is not going to end well...makes this situation too complex for anyone here to give you an easy answer.

I agree that you should talk to a therapist and work through it.

Re: I Need Advice...

SXMGirl — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 20:31:12 GMT

@NycVixen, many people grew up with mothers just like yours and it can be very difficult. I left home at 17 for that reason. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I had other people's mothers to help me, along with my grandmother. I would have loved to have a mother who loved me or even liked me, but those were the cards that I was dealt.

My suggestion is to take care of yourself, and that could mean keeping your distance or even terminating the relationship. I would suggest that you be more assertive and love yourself. That can mean many things. Make yourself into the best person that you can possibly be. Will it replace having a wonderful mother? No; but once you feel really good about yourself, you will not need her validation or advice.

I wish you a happierand successful life.

Re: I Need Advice...

magicmoodz — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 20:40:07 GMT

Re: I Need Advice...

Still keeper of the koi — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 20:52:53 GMT

@NycVixen, unfortunately in life, there are people who are broken, cannot return love and that is fine with them.You have the

ability, although painful to walk away.I grew up with beatings , verbal abuse as did my brothers.I tried and alienated my brothers till I was in my late 40,s trying to make my parents love me, they abused my husband of 25 years as well as we paid for their bills ,vacations etc.It took my husband to stand up for me and end this abuse.Abused children never stop craving and trying to please abusers.But strong adults find a way to escape.My inlaws love me like I am there own.I am in hospital now they have hired private nurses ,closed up their home to care for mine and my husbands home pets and are a God send. Please know many people have parents like this, don't feel alone.The distance we put has made life happy.Please find your happy ....Hugs and love, Maryanne

Re: I Need Advice...

hoosieroriginal — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 20:53:47 GMT

Move, change your phone number, do whatever you have to - make yourself happy again. It's hard, but peace of mind is so much better.

Re: I Need Advice...

Still keeper of the koi — Thu, 27 Jul 2017 18:01:40 GMT

@NycVixen,I need to tell you this.Several Easters ago my mother sat in my home after I had hosted another holiday watching tv.My husband has for many years put aside his feelings knowing how much I wanted her to love me.I walk in sit down and the news comes on, talking about a local woman who drowned her children by driving into the river and swimming to shore telling how she had been under pressure . my mother turns to my husband in says in a sweet voice...You know i hate my children, I always have, if I could have killed them and not went to jail I would have, but I couldn't do jail I am too sensitive... she turned to me and smiled...My sweet husband got up walked to the hall closet and threw her coat and purse at her and told her to get out, and If she didn't he was calling the police.On her way out she says I want my leftovers...My husband shoved her out our door and that was it, he told me no one hurts you anymore..No one , it's over.... some people are evil...That is how we find real love, because of them...Maryanne

Re: I Need Advice...

NycVixen — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 21:21:29 GMT

Thanks for all the advice, it has been very helpful. I will try the letter but sadly I think she's a lost case.

@SXMGirl Your post really spoke to me. It has given me back the focus I lost this week when we had another incident. That's exactly what I've been trying to do with my life. The 4 best years recently for me were when she stopped talking me simply because she didn't accept my then boyfriend now husband without even meeting him.

She changed the locks on me when I was 19 with no warning because she didn't like my boyfriend. Notice a pattern. She didn't even let me take my belongings. I had to rebuild my life from scratch and was delayed going to college as a result. Yet she criticizes me for taking a long time to go back to school and says getting was my scholarship was pure luck. Very painful.

Just like in those years, I need to focus as you stated on "becoming the best person possible so I don't need her advice or validation". I would also add love. I was doing ok but had a relapse with needing a mom's love. .

Thanks to all for all the advice. I'm trying to move as far away as possible. Hopefully, that works out. I worry about her being alone but I just need to worry about myself.

Re: I Need Advice...

Sooner — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 21:28:13 GMT

@alicedee wrote:
If you still feel compelled to keep reaching out to her....even though your past experience tells you it is not going to end well...makes this situation too complex for anyone here to give you an easy answer.

I agree that you should talk to a therapist and work through it.

For all of us out there, I agree 100 percent with what was said in the above post. At some point you either grow up and take responsibility for your life or you cling to approval from others. It isn't easy, not at all saying that, but there is a crossroads for all of us. It may or may not be worth it to you and each of us is different in personality and experiences. I hope you don't take this as just mean, because I'm not intending it to be that way at all. BUT, it is your life and you have to be the one to make decisions about it.

It is very very difficult for many of us because of past experiences and circumstances. I hope many blessings and clear paths come to you on this journey and do wish you the best! Hugs!

Re: I Need Advice...

NycVixen — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 21:30:02 GMT

OMG @Still keeper of the koi. I'm so so sorry to read this. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through that. I'm so glad that you finally broke free.

I've been free at times but parents have a way of manipulating you. She's older and I'm not like her so I care. I don't want her to to be alone and suffer one day.

I just need to create some space now so I can be happy. I have to accept she doesn't want my happiness and that is hard to do.

Re: I Need Advice...

EatWell — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 21:33:36 GMT

@NycVixen wrote:
My mom and I have always had a negative relationship. For the last several years, I've been trying to finally cut off the relationship because It's just toxic. However, as a normal child, I look for her advice and guidance when I need it only to be belittled and criticized at times in the most insensitive and hurtful manner.

I need some advice on how to finally stop needing to reach out to her. It always exacerbates my life but even though she's been horrible to me, I still love her.

Please for those that understand, kindly offer some advice so I can cut the cord. I know therapy is probably the best answer. I spoke to a social worker when I had my miscarriage and she said I was doing ok. This is just the last thing I need to do. I just need some tips on how to deal with it asap before I can do something more long term.

Thanks in advance. I'm 30 if that helps.

I recommend that you seek out a psychotherapist. You may be a victim of mental abuse.

Good luck.

Re: I Need Advice...

q-girl — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 21:33:50 GMT

@NycVixen wrote:
My mom and I have always had a negative relationship. For the last several years, I've been trying to finally cut off the relationship because It's just toxic. However, as a normal child, I look for her advice and guidance when I need it only to be belittled and criticized at times in the most insensitive and hurtful manner.

I need some advice on how to finally stop needing to reach out to her. It always exacerbates my life but even though she's been horrible to me, I still love her.

Please for those that understand, kindly offer some advice so I can cut the cord. I know therapy is probably the best answer. I spoke to a social worker when I had my miscarriage and she said I was doing ok. This is just the last thing I need to do. I just need some tips on how to deal with it asap before I can do something more long term.

Thanks in advance. I'm 30 if that helps.

@NycVixen. . . . Your post broke my heart. I can completely understand how you feel. I, too, had a very negative relationship with my mother. Although she could be wonderfully warm and loving with my brothers, cousins and many of my friends, with me she was very critical, demeaning, demanding, belittling, controlling, physically abusive and manipulative with me. I could not go to her for advice or guidance because I could not trust her to tell me the truth. Her advice was often embarrassing yet she would push me to follow it. Even when I would follow it to the letter I would be criticized and yelled at for what I did. She wanted to tell me what to wear, how to style my hair, who to have for friends, what to say to people, (yes, she listened to my phone calls), who to date, where to go, but her biggest expectation was that I had to bring home a report card with straight A's. Oh, and I was not allowed to do homework - because you can't spend time with your friends if you're doing homework, and if you don't spend time with your friends you won't be a popular girl. Go figure.

I learned in tenth grade on the day I brought my first report card of the year home that I would never, ever please my mother. That nothing I did would ever be good enough for her, and that I would never make her happy. On that day I finally brought home my straight A's. Prior to this day I would miss it by one B, or one B+, and this would be met with yelling, screaming, slapping, punching,hair pulling and being knocked to the floor. For a report card that most parents would be proud of. But this day, when I proudly presented her with the straight A report, she looked at it, threw it down on the table, and said that it was about time and to keep it that way. No "good job", no "way to go" , not even a smile.

Something clicked in me that day. At 15 yrs. old I stopped looking to others for validation. I stopped trusting people easily. I became independent in spirit and somehow found my confidence and strength. I realize how lucky I am because I may have gone through life believing it was me. I was lucky enough to know on that day that it was not.

I am now 60 yrs old. My mother passed away 15 yrs ago the day after Mother's Day. To this day it is not her loss that I mourn - I mourned that 45 yrs ago. What I mourned was the loss of any chance for a normal mother-daughter relationship.

I tried setting boundaries for our relationship - didn't work. She didn't like my husband. Not because of the person he is, but because she could no longer attempt to control me, and I would no longer give in just to "keep peace" in the family home. I never trusted her enough to leave my son with her when he was a baby or a toddler.

I am not a cold person. But for the sake of my current family, my husband and my son, I had to be firm and keep distance in any relationship with my mother. If you need the assistance of a professional to do this without guilt, then seek help, but please, do whatever you need to do to live without the burden of that negative relationship.

It is very possible to do it and be content and happy with your decision.

Re: I Need Advice...

NycVixen — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 21:34:30 GMT

@Sooner wrote:
@alicedee wrote:
If you still feel compelled to keep reaching out to her....even though your past experience tells you it is not going to end well...makes this situation too complex for anyone here to give you an easy answer.

I agree that you should talk to a therapist and work through it.
For all of us out there, I agree 100 percent with what was said in the above post. At some point you either grow up and take responsibility for your life or you cling to approval from others. It isn't easy, not at all saying that, but there is a crossroads for all of us. It may or may not be worth it to you and each of us is different in personality and experiences. I hope you don't take this as just mean, because I'm not intending it to be that way at all. BUT, it is your life and you have to be the one to make decisions about it.

It is very very difficult for many of us because of past experiences and circumstances. I hope many blessings and clear paths come to you on this journey and do wish you the best! Hugs!

@Sooner I understand. Unfortunately like almost everything in life, it's not so easy. We are geared biologically and psychologically to love our parents especially our moms. That necessary approval from parents is ingrained.

I'm thankful that in every other respect I turned out ok. I just wish I could have a harder heart and not care about her. But I do. I need to know how she's doing and that is why I always end up calling her.

Re: I Need Advice...

game-on — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 21:41:16 GMT

@NycVixen.....have you ever heard of affirmations? they are positive things we tell ourselves.... there are places you can buy cards that you buy and put up around your home that are beautiful positive sayings..... eg.... I am a beautiful being ... I am going to do 5 positive things today... No matter what others think, I am the one to determine my state of mind.... If I remember right there is an author named Louise Hay who writes books and sells cards like this.... I used to make my own cards after I got a set of hers and read a book or two....

When we are young the people who raise us determine how we view who we are.... when we are older we can reject those messages and re-program the tapes in our head....

Good luck with this....

Re: I Need Advice...

Still keeper of the koi — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 21:45:43 GMT

I am so proud to be here.I am proud of us for coming forward and sharing painful things and offering kind words.I wish someone had told me I was not alone..This is why we survived to hold others hands...This is so wonderful... What a blessing you all are...Hugs,Maryanne

Re: I Need Advice...

q-girl — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 21:41:37 GMT

@Still keeper of the koi wrote:
@NycVixen,I need to tell you this.Several Easters ago my mother sat in my home after I had hosted another holiday watching tv.My husband has for many years put aside his feelings knowing how much I wanted her to love me.I walk in sit down and the news comes on, talking about a local woman who drowned her children by driving into the river and swimming to shore telling how she had been under pressure . my mother turns to my husband in says in a sweet voice...You know i hate my children, I always have, if I could have killed them and not went to jail I would have, but I couldn't do jail I am too sensitive... she turned to me and smiled...My sweet husband got up walked to the hall closet and threw her coat and purse at her and told her to get out, and I'd she didn't he was calling the police.On her way out she says I want my leftovers...My husband shoved her out our door and that was it, he told me know one hurts you anymore..No one , it's over.... some people are evil...That is how we find real love, because of them...Maryanne

@Still keeper of the koi. . . . Your post brought tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. But, in my heart and mind, your sweet husband is a hero!! I can feel the love he has for you from that one simple but decisive gesture. And I can see my husband doing the same thing. We are lucky women in that way.

Hugs . . .